A very modern death

Yes - the bucket list is a strange phenomenon - I suppose the phrase itself feels a bit distasteful.

There is some merit in the concept, if not the wording - I have been struck by the way wills has taken the opportunity to use her awareness of her life's limitation to see all her friends and family - and I guess that if I were aware that I had a short life expectancy I can think of lots of lovely music that I would try to hear live and I would like to spend a bit of time gazing at the sea. It does not have to be materialistic; but even if it were, I guess it is each to their own. My BIL chose to drive a steam train when he knew he only had weeks to live - he had always wanted to and loved it - I don't find that distasteful - I am just glad he had a good day.

I am not sure what a "good death" is - I am sure it means something different to each of us, as there are now no set social rules.

willsandco is an example to us all. And yes, the phrase has different meanings to different people. It's the thought of spending money acquiring 'experiences' rather than focussing on relationships that leaves a somewhat sour taste.

Driving a steam train sounds fun though, it's the acquisivness of some other examples that I dislike.

Mishap

Yes the things my grandfather wanted to do, none of them involved complicated or costly arrangements. He wanted to sit by the sea and eat fish and chips, see the Bluebells one more time and have a newspaper read to him every morning- all of which we achieved. In fact reading to him every day was something that will comfort me to the end of my days. It was an intimate thing to do really- in many ways more so than the personal care because it reflected the life I led with him. He taught me the importance of reading a paper and questioning what we read. So it honoured that really.

My Mum nursed her Father at home as he lay dying upstairs in bed.

She told the story of going downstairs to get something and as she went back up to him, something brushed past her on the stairs. When she got back to his bedside, he had died. She was always maintained that was his soul/life-force, what-you-will, passing her.

I once asked if he couldn't have just gone out through the window but got into trouble for being flippant.

Some older nurses still open a window to let the soul go free when someone dies, or rather I was told this very recently by a nurse friend.

There is a smell to dying. That's probably why they open windows.

Why am I back on this thread?!

Yes jings go and read something else.

No idea jings ?

Yes, they always open the window at the Old People's home where my parents died- then they close the shutters. For me, bizarre.

Sorry if that was upsetting. But it is a fact.

Jing

That is rubbish.

Dont know about a smell, but I can attest to the death rattle.

I attended a funeral a couple of weeks ago and the deceased had not only planned it, but also wrote a welcome to the mourners and introductions to each of the poems and songs she had chosen. Her coffin was white cardboard that had been decorated with stickers by her grandchildren and we were each given (with the funeral invitation) a piece of card on which to write our own tribute and these were then stuck onto the coffin too. Her family were pleased to know that they were carrying out her own clearly expressed wishes and I do think it helped them through a difficult day.

sounds perfect - if you can say that for a funeral- lovely.

I do love all the humanist funerals that are springing up. Some sound very creative and give a true and memorable sense of the person and their life. Rather than, as mentioned before, a very vague and sometimes wrong description by a vicar who never knew them.

We had a humanist funeral for my Dad as he had no religious beliefs. The celebrant was respectful and caring and spent a very long time talking with us about him beforehand. She wanted to see photos of him and of my Mum. The funeral went without a hitch and felt as though it was a celebration of his life - the good bits and the bad - whilst at the same time being very blunt about the finality of death and how it affects those left behind.

Much as I love our vicar, I would have a humanist ceremony for DBH should he die suddenly, and let her do a memorial service. Just for her own sake, because she is fond of him.

ga that's simply wonderful.

A good death, a good funeral a good life even is something different to every individual. I do think we do tend to make a mystery of death and dying.

Surprised JBF is still commenting considering her first reaction.

Will read your piece in a while TMT

I really don't think we can prepare our minds for the death of a loved one,the only way I can describe it when DH died almost 5 months ago is..like being stabbed through the heart then hit with a sledge hammer o stunned,shocked, even though we knew it was coming(although not that night) I didn't cry not even at the funeral, I have made up for it since most days. As for the funeral..well! I have learned a heck of a lot! as we hadn't chosen a funeral home, the night he died I just sort of rung one that I had visited, but the day after when the costs came to light, I then had to look elsware as no way could I have afford almost £4,000.. previously I had visted 3 funeral homes, one of them I came out quite shocked! not because of the price as they were the cheapest, but it was the attitude of the owners, they were horrible!! to say the least, and I presume it because I had mentioned we had no money and would be trying for help via the Funeral Fund form SF200) you could see straight away they they were not interested in me to say the least!! it was terrible the way they spoke to me, I have since written them a very strong letter and spoke to them. I did have DH move to the funeral directors we did choose...this costs us £125 to move him 3 minutes drive away!! I don't think people are aware that just because you ring a certain funeral home to come and pick the deceased up..you do not!! have to have them deal with them , you can! change your mind, but you will incure a cost of moving the person.

as for a good death. mu uncle died last week, sitting in his armchair and still with the remote control in his hand!

I am so sorrybikergran that you had to go through all that hassle over money at such a difficult time. A neighbour has just lost her partner and she was in no state to deal with it . I can imagine some people being very shocked by the size of the bill afterwards and getting into debt to settle it. The attitude of the first undertakers was inexcusable.

Funeral Directors come in all shapes and forms..I found a lovely independent funeral home in the end, it was like meeting a friend and he made us feel so comfortable, I could have gritted my teeth and stuck with the original one (who had been recommended by several close friends, hence that why I went to them in the first place) as they were! a lot cheaper but!! I don't regret spending a penny on DH.

As for body parts and donating your body, my DD friends mum did this, she has recently died of cancer and donated her body so they could research into her death, she made it quite clear what was to be done with her body, but! her daughter whilst seemed ok with it when her mum was alive, has now become distraught at not having a proper funeral and a body to bury/cremate. they have had a celebration of her life, but this just wasn't enough, the daughters dad has thrown everything out of the house that had any connection with his late wife (she was only around 55yrs) he is so angry at not being able to have a proper funeral, so whilst it seems a good intention for some people to donate their bodies, for them left behind it can be very distressing.

jingle that is very true about the smell!! DH was washed etc with lovely smelling body wash the days prior, but the actual day, I had said to the nurses, that there was a strange smell in the room, I wouldn't say a nasty smell just a strong smell, I couldn't describe it! the nurses said it was the breath that DH was exhaling..(whilst he was still with us I mean) so maybe that's is why they call it what they do,,and yes we opened the window when he had died , as my DD was here and that's what they used to do in the hospital even todate.

annsixty I know what DH would have said if he had know the cost of his overnight stay "Bloody dearest hotel I've ever stayed in" !!