How to deal with “woke” daughter

I don't think that things are going as well as you think they are for her, but she doesn't want to admit it and also the fact that AC tend to seem to want to jump down your throat or be patronising over comments that parents can make (get it all of the time from my son)
I think it is just a way that some show they are growing up and away from us as parents, which is quite normal!
I know that you and your OH have done nothing wrong, but I'd just give your daughter a quick call and apologise and say that your intention was not to upset her, just a comment to say that she looked as if she had had a good time at the wedding and that she was ready to go back to her job. Hopefully she will apologise back for being so snappy - even if she doesn't, you all need to move on and hopefully it won't be as long before she visits again, with her partner.

May we please have some examples of those comments your daughter does not agree with?

In an adult relationship, people speak up instead of keeping quiet and eating their thoughts to keep the peace.

*Oofy I came from a working class family, neither of my parents had benefitted from the good education and opportunities given to me but they worked hard and provided well. Your post made me think about how I had behaved in my 20's. Yes, I could be very snippy and condescending with them as they were very much a product of their upbringing. It made them angry, resentful and defensive. With hindsight, my more progressive views were correct but my way of delivering them not. It would have taken more maturity than I had in my late 20's to change their opinions, sadly they both died very young and I never got the chance to be different. I don't know the content or the context of the issues that you had with your daughter when she stayed. Perhaps her views are worth considering (or not) and perhaps she needs to learn that the content of a message gets lost if delivered in the wrong way. Anyway, I hope things improve for you.

If the “jokey” family communication, which in my own experience is a way to excuse passive aggressive comments and inappropriate commentary is causing stress/harm to your DD, then surely just don’t do it?

Without examples of what she took offence to it’s difficult to determine if the average person would class it as overreacting or not. That said, she’s made it clear she doesn’t like it - so avoid those topics.

The fact you have helped financially really had no bearing at all on this, unless it was done as payment for good behaviour?!

From personal experience, I’d get stressed out as an adult around an uncle who was a bigot with a big mouth. I was so disgusted by what he would say, so would pre-emptively change subjects etc to try and avoid losing my head. I dare say he thought is was a prickly snob and I probably did overreact at times, but when someone shows you that side of them - even in a “jokey” way, it does make alarm bells ring for any future exchanges.

I really wouldn’t put that much importance on it. It’s generational. I remember being like that with my mum and dad. Now, our kids do it with us. Tell us off because we just can’t say/ do things anymore.
It may feel more intense for you, just having the one child. We had four, and were always messing about and joking. Now they do it at us more than with us, but it’s all good spirited. They all have each other to bounce off.
Just enjoy her when you see her, and appreciate what she’s saying, but she should also appreciate where you’re coming from. In fact, on a few occasions, each of our children have admitted they can now understand things a bit more. Having your own children does that I think. Our youngest is 30.
So it does happen. Don’t make it bigger than it is.

What exactly did you say about her partner she took offence to? If woke means being anti racist and wanting more social awareness then why is it a criticism?

I have heard of two sayings which can apply to all parents of adult children. Only give advice when asked for it and even then do not give it! Keep your mouth closed and your wallet open!

LoveOc how very right your post is. Even when asked for advice think really carefully before giving it. My son often asks for advice but when given he does not like what he is told.
So mouth closed and wallet open and just try to keep a bit of money for yourself.

That word ‘woke’ is like finger nails on a black board to me
I ve been accused of being woke because I m anti racist I ve been accused of being woke when I m kind to someone
it really gets on my tits

I have 3 Adult Daughters and have noticed a trend in them as
they go on in life which may or may not be linked to the present day - what is permissable to say/think.
As they reach the 30 mark they become more ready to challenge your opinions as being right or wrong.
By mid 30's the snappyness can get worse as they juggle, kids;
marriage, work, home etc
The 40's approach and suddently calm waters and you become best buddies again, ahhhhhhhh
I know I was like that with my mother and have witnessed the
karma three times now!
I will add Alegria 1 please refrain from commenting on my post I am having a nice day

Oh, dear, where to start?
Firstly, many thanks to all who responded, some of the more critical comments reflect some of the questions I have been asking myself and wondering if we are wrong in our views. Don’t think easy-going DH is as introspective as me, though he did comment about it when she visited.
Firstly”woke”; I used this as as shorthand for current mores around addressing issues rather than as an insult. I should also say that we are very proud of her and what she has achieved, and tell her so.
I think Dragonfly hit the nail on the head when she mentioned attitudes which we thought we had before it became fashionable to espouse them. For example, we have always had good friends and colleagues who are black or Asian, and have always just treated them as people, but DD now quotes racist ideas at us, when we truly never thought we were racist. I commented about a black poetry award, and remarked that you wouldn’t be allowed to have a white poetry award, and she went off on one. When I tried to discuss it with her, the response was, “I don’t want to get into a fight about it”. I wondered when a reasoned discussion, and as several have said, maybe learning something from her, became a fight? Have had a similar comment from her about feminism, she attends feminist lecture days, which perhaps would not be to my taste, but she knows that I worked in a very male dominated profession, had to be twice as good as the men to get on, glass ceiling for women etc, and “lived” the feminism as opposed to talking it.
Remarks about the partner to her-well, that was critical, to be fair, but he was spending very big sums on his hobbies, cycling and tech, certainly more than we would spend on our own pastimes, not considering cutting his coat according to his cloth, at a time when we were being expected to give help with the mortgage. Can’t really remember what I said, but was trying to be tactful and mentioning it to her, rather than him, on the quiet. And got my head bitten off. Should I have kept my mouth shut? Maybe. Would not have said anything to him directly, but I felt it was potentially storing up money troubles for them further down the line.
We had opposing views on Brexit, well DH did, as European legislation was a big problem for him. I worked in Germany before we were married and felt fairly neutral, whereas her partner was stridently pro remain, worrying about research grants. She now takes any opportunity to point out when things are problems because of Brexit, whilst we a while ago realised we needed to stay off the topic for the sake of peace.
Would have talked things like this through with my own parents, who were very right wing, I think, rather than openly criticising them as she does.
Just all boils down to feeling we have to be very careful what we say, can’t just be relaxed in conversation around the house
They are supposed to be visiting again soon (he had a clashing commitment this time) and am so hoping it goes better, don’t want to feel a sense of relief when they leave.

Thank you very much for coming back and for your thoughts !

The money spending thing is tricky and there is just the smallest possibility your daughter is also concerned about her husbands spending but naturally became very defensive!

Just keep trying to avoid what you know will wind them up ! Best of luck.

I think it sounds like you can learn a lot from each other it's good she feels comfortable enough to be herself with you and vice versa.

I also agree with Lucca, maybe she is cross with him that he is spending money when she knows you have helped out. She most probably feel embarrassed and guilty.

Try not to worry too much. I do think it all sounds normal

When family are ultra sensitive you can be sure there is more to it, in your daughters case either her husband or work are the cause, finances are probably tight and too much stress. You really should not be falling out over Brexit or being PC it’s your opinion which is just as valuable a hers. I voted the opposite to OH in the Brexit vote we don’t discuss it, we just get on and make the best of what we have

I would give them some space to run their life and get on with yours.

Thank you for coming back and explaining your thoughts oofy. Good luck

I can see how your dd gets ticked off

Those are very sensitive subjects and also, you have very different points of view.

I would say stop discussing anything that you know pushes anybody's buttons.
Find another person who likes the same discussions and is happy to hold them with you, go for it

Your dd is clearly interested on it

Generations change the way people behave - your dd is not supposed to behave like you did when you disagreed with your parents.

About the house deposit, just because you are expected, you always have a choice in giving them money or not

You dont approve of their financial planning, so mentioning it to her was not going to go well.

Could it be that your dd and you dont have matching personalities?
DNA doesn't guarantee getting along

Rainwashed

What I noticed was your mentioning you helped them with the flat purchase. This was of course very kind of you, but does not mean they should be so beholden to you, they agree with everything you say. Surely we want our adult children to have independent thoughts and lives. Also isn’t it better for them to say if something offends them rather than bottle it up, both for their mental health and to stop future resentment.

It was indeed very kind of them to help with the deposit for their house .

Having independent thoughts is one thing but it’s quite another when your daughter is a guest in your house and she’s creating atmospheres. I would let her know that it wasn’t acceptable. It’s one thing having a difference of opinion but she should show respect for her parents. Most children disagree with their parents but they should be polite and certainly not create atmospheres particularly as she hadn’t seen them for over a year.

I think there are of course issues on both sides but it is hard to spend a week with someone you have hardly seen for the past year. I rather think you touched a nerve there with remarks about how your DD's partner spends his money.

I am sure it will go better next time as her partner should be there which will hopefully neutralise the atmosphere and you will know what subjects to avoid.

It's so hard when you have to watch what you say... ?

Next time you are with her or speaking to her, if she reacts this way, ask her what's wrong, why she's taken offence and ask her to speak to you in a civilised manner Oofy.

Maybe her opinions and attitudes have changed, but that doesn't give her the right to give you "short shrift" because of yours and most certainly not the right to have you feeling worried about saying anything, in your own home, "for fear of getting (y)our heads bitten off".

Politeness and respect for the opinions of others, even if you don't agree with them, works both ways.

It is also how it is said, not what is said.

My mother always talked with such an angry tone, and when we asked her why was she angry, she would reply- "what do you mean? I am not angry at all, very relaxed and enjoying a chat with you"

Then she would get really angry for mentioning it and she trying to shut her down

It would take several people mentioning the angry and combative tone for her to realize we didnt mean any harm and she was truly coming across like that

It can be a difficult transition for young adults, one day they are running their own life, career, home, relationships, and then they come home for a visit and it is travelling back to a time when they were dependent upon you, and the conflict can be tricky to negotiate. We all grow and change our opinions and attitudes, and what may have been jolly when we were teenagers living at home, is no longer funny, and I am always very doubtful when people talk about banter, one person's banter is another person's bullying. Your concerns regarding her partner's spending in view of your help financially is completely understandable, but helping with a deposit does not give you permission to run or even comment on their finances, however irresponsible. I am so sorry your long awaited meet up with your only child didn't go as you hoped, but maybe try to see your DD as a much loved adult with her own opinions, not just a grown up version of your own child.

And us trying to shut her down