How to deal with “woke” daughter

If you can’t be jokey without being derogatory, you don’t have a very good sense of humor.

Even here, where there is no need to convince us, your views on race/feminism and Brexit etc are stridently put in a confrontational manner. They reference your and your DH's personal experience, often gained years ago, as source of relevant information. I might be wrong, but they sound to me like opinions of a person who want to voice them forcefully rather than learn more in order to broaden the mind.

In response to the feminist issue your daughter replied, “I don’t want to get into a fight about it”. Well that was her backing off gently in a mature and kind way...that is surely enough is it not?

Why not be soft? Why not be loving, kind and have open arms and mind? Why not just cherish and spoil your dear, only daughter when she comes home to see you? Treat it as a holiday from her busy, clever, modern life and an opportunity for you to hear all about it.

One day, one way or another, there will be no more glorious opportunities to spend a week in your darling daughter's company so why not just make the absolute most of these.

My mum used to say the most inappropriate things, using inappropriate language. In many respects it was the same mentality and language as her parents, born in Victorian times!
Things change so quickly these days, especially because of social media, and frankly I'm quite grateful to my daughter telling me not to say this, but say it like that instead.
Woke just means bring socially aware, especially of social injustice. My mum would probably call that being a good Christian - but lots of people don't believe, and others believe but aren't Christian. So be aware, we don't say it like that anymore.

If you want to know why maybe there isn’t a white poetry prize you might like to read this article
theconversation.com/the-white-privilege-of-british-poetry-is-getting-worse-48516

vegansrock

If you want to know why maybe there isn’t a white poetry prize you might like to read this article
theconversation.com/the-white-privilege-of-british-poetry-is-getting-worse-48516

Oh yes to this.

And why would a woman who had had to work 'twice as hard as men' to succeed not be hugely encouraging when her daughter spends her valuable time at feminist meetings?

The thing is, questions like 'why can't there be a white poets' prize' or 'when is International Men's Day?' are such cliches that it's not just young people who roll their eyes. For years now, people have been patiently explaining why there is no 'straight Pride', too. The answer to all these questions is the same - there isn't one because there is no need. The groups that have these 'things' have them because they need positive discrimination or their voices don't get heard. It is wearisome for those who have to keep on saying the same things over and over; and is maybe more so when they have to say it to their own parents, who were the ones to give them a moral compass in the first place.

Also, it's one thing having a view about Brexit, but when you are young and your future career has been blighted by it, the last thing you need is to hear the views of someone who won't be impacted in this way but has voted to leave, and be expected to be polite about it.

Your feminism example is another one - you say that you lived it, but she 'just talks about it' - can't you see how dismissive that is? Your experience will be different from hers - women's lives have changed a lot since we were the age our daughters are now. Your daughter will be living her own sort of feminism, and probably sees you as 'just remembering' your own way of doing it.

It's obvious from your last post that you are willing to look at the dynamics between you and your daughter, which is more than many people will do after a difference of opinion. I hope you sort it out - it's awful when we feel out of step with our loved ones, and you do come across as caring and loving (if a bit set in your way of thinking ).

tbh, you sound a bit out of touch or old-fashioned rather than mean.
to say that you treated black people as people and then comment about there being no white poetry prize, well i can see why that would make your daughter cringe at least.
but the fact that you admit these ideas indicates a kind of lack of awareness.
so if you are genuinely open-minded, you could easily read up on these topics, and then maybe have a firmer basis for discussion with your daughter.
good luck.

Our major crimes according to our daughter are that we voted Leave and that we support having a Royal Family where she would prefer a republic. We don't have any differences 're being socially aware but are previously good relationship has changed since leaving the EU. We try to avoid the subject but she keeps bringing it up and us very angry with us over it. I expect to get another telling off here now.

Why are you expecting to be told off here?

I do think responses can be quite hurtful if people think they have all the answers. Oofy does what most of us does, just treat people as people, we don’t have to be woke, I dislike that word. Just because she said she treats black and Asian people as people just meant why would she do any different, It’s hard walking on egg shells, I do it to keep the peace, as for the daughter in law that will fall out with anyone that doesn’t hold her views, how boring and tunnel visioned she must be, I have friends who have different political views and religion, it has never ever been as issue, we are all entitled to an opinion, not to have it rammed down our throats at every opportunity as some do. So Oofy, next time she visits, try as hard as you can to not say anything she might not like, but if she does pick you up I would ask her why she does that. I would never ever comment on their finances etc. That is between them, difficult I know when you’ve given them money to buy a place, been there done that. A gift is a gift, the minute you hand it over it’s their responsibility, just think carefully next time.Best of luck, we all need it.

I don’t think you are doing anything wrong, it’s sometimes hard to accept that your adult children have different views, but you just have to accept it.
My adult children were all remainers, as were we, and we all want to keep the monarchy, so no problems there.
But, our eldest can be a bit touchy, she constantly says her life was difficult because she went to a small school and didn’t learn to mix with as many people, we struggled hard to keep them all in independent schools, probably wrongly as it turns out, but we thought we were doing the right thing.
She also plays the university card quite a lot, implying that our lives are very narrow, not having had that experience.
She’s lovely, but I think she enjoys feeling a bit superior.

Just saying….oofy did return and took comments on board!

halfpint1

I have 3 Adult Daughters and have noticed a trend in them as
they go on in life which may or may not be linked to the present day - what is permissable to say/think.
As they reach the 30 mark they become more ready to challenge your opinions as being right or wrong.
By mid 30's the snappyness can get worse as they juggle, kids;
marriage, work, home etc
The 40's approach and suddently calm waters and you become best buddies again, ahhhhhhhh
I know I was like that with my mother and have witnessed the
karma three times now!
I will add Alegria 1 please refrain from commenting on my post I am having a nice day

Now that oofy's had lots of comments, and came back and gave us her thoughts, I think its about time I asked halfpint1, who elected you thread monitor?

If you're going to make nasty uncalled for comments at least get my name right.

How did your day turn out?

Lucca

Just saying….oofy did return and took comments on board!

I know, and my comments were in response to her second post. There was less detail in the first one, so it was more difficult to suggest anything specific that might help. Many of the more recent responders have done likewise, presumably for the same motive. None of us could have done that if we hadn't read the thread .

I gave up expressing my opinion to both my parents and my children. I am considered a bit odd by all of them so now I keep quiet and often keep my thoughts to myself. I read something which said, "Speak the truth quietly". I think that is quite a good way to go about things. I am 70 and often found my parents embarrassing and my adult children's opinions generally are not mine. We are all different generations but I think a bit of teasing and banter is just fun and not meant to offend.

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Thread is from last year

Is being 'woke' meaning being someone who cares about all other people, does not have facist, sexist, etc attitudes - and is a decent person?

I am (I hope) woke!!! Proud when someone describes me as that.

I am also extremely proud that all my AC and my G.children would also come under this description.

So much prefer being woke, than totally uncaring, like so many of our governement ministers.

Once we were having a family conversation about films and I could not remember the actor's name in Silence of the Lambs (Anthony Hopkins). I said he was Welsh and very well known. Our SIL accused me of being racist!!!

I'm not sure what point you're making, but if that's all there was to it, I think that shows that your SIL doesn't grasp the concept of racism, not that being anti-racist is a bad thing.

It seems that this thread has woke-n up.

Sorry. I'll get my coat...

I wish people wouldn’t resurrect old threads. It’s not much more effort to start a new one if the subject interests you.

Why not? It was, is an interesting thread.
What is the opposite of woke? Unwoke?
Was interested to point out to my 45 year old daughter that she shouldn't say "committed" suicide now. Better to say took own life.
My OH used to say "Play the white man" not a phrase I had heard before.
One of the benefits in living in a multi generational household.
We get out knuckles rapped at times.
Metaphorically.

I was in a medical environment and was asked the name of a doctor who'd treated me a couple of years previously.

I couldn't remember his name, but I remembered his regional accent and mentioned this to the nurse. I got as far as... "I think he's from....." and she glared at me, and then I continued... "I think he's from xxx the same part of the world I come from".

Is it bigoted to comment on an accent for this reason? It wasn't to marginalise him, nor ridicule him, just to identify him. And the nurse must have noticed it herself - because she then knew who I was talking about!

I could have mentioned his thick mane of dark hair with grey flecks in it (he was a handsome man), but thought this might be too 'personal'. So chose to identify him by his accent which I thought was more neutral - lots of people have accents. I have one. And I love the variety of them.

Sometimes, I really do feel as if I'm tiptoeing around egg shells. And it really can be very easy to cause offence without any being intended. If I'd joked about his accent (which I wouldn't) I would've understood why she glared at me, but it must have been quite obvious to her that I wasn't doing this.

Later that day, the same nurse was informing another nurse about a patient who was to be transferred somewhere else. The second nurse was looking around vacantly unable to identify Mrs xxx - and my nurse said "she's that elderly lady in the corner"...

Being elderly or having a regional accent are things over which we have no control. Why was she in the right, and me in the wrong?

I think that some examples of what it is that offends your DD would be helpful in order to decide whether she is over-reacting or you truly are making unacceptable comments.

One of my friends has a DD who picks her up on the most innocuous things.