Guests for 4 days

We get set in our ways and having to change routines when having guests can be disturbing especially if there is a health issue too.
My sister uses the excuse of having only one bathroom which is a nuisance at night.

When I asked our guest (by email) what time she was arriving so I would know what food to provide, she replied that it was no problem she would bring a cake! - well that won't go far for 2 days!

The situation is difficult as there are ancient resentments about legacies in this case - don't get me going on that! - and it is hard to forget this. This lady worked a few fiddles and landed us in the puddle of s* as regards caring for an elderly relative, from whom she had extracted money after taking him in under false pretences, then told us this person was dying and he needed to return to Britain and we needed to have him with us - which of course we did - but he was no more dying than I was; she had just got fed up with him! Hmm. Subsequent challenges to organise accommodation for him as you can imagine. There will be a lot of biting of tongues this weekend! I have to remind myself that bearing a grudge is not pretty and I should not do it!! I should be the better person - but am I?

Glennfinnan I feel for you too - having people to stay is hard when there are health challenges in the house. What happens here is that my OH pulls out all the stops and tries to be welcoming, then collapses completely after the guests have gone and we have to pick up the pieces and get him back to "normal."

Wow Lucky, you must be a saint! I'm afraid I couldn't be as obliging as you in these circumstances!

Sounds like there are plenty of reasons to tell your intended guest to get lost, luckygirl.

Slightly more tactfully (although I wouldn't bother) why not tell her that DH is more off-colour than usual this week and he may be coming down with something. So he's not up to a live-in visitor and, anyway, you wouldn't want her to catch anything.

Does your DH want to put himself through the stress of her visit?

Luckygirl - wow why are you continuing to accommodate this person! Personally I would tell her to find somewhere else to stay but if you really are willing to put her up (or put up with her) I would tell her she needs to let you know exactly when she will be arriving and exactly when she will be leaving. She is a guest in your home and as such should be showing you respect and consideration.

I have just emailed her and said that I am about to go food shopping (lie number one! - there will be more prevarications as the visit progresses!) and will she be staying for lunch on Saturday. I await developments!

I have to keep in my mind that she is my DH's sibling and should be able to see him if she wishes; but we neither of us relish it.

Last time she came (with partner) I was at my lowest ebb from my post-surgery depression and barely keeping going. I had written a note to myself about what meals I would need to prepare when and at the end was Home!, indicating that this was when they would be going. She managed to find this (my fault - should have hidden it) and took it that the Home! indicated they were not welcome and took my OH (also ill) on one side to grumble about this. I walked in on this and left the room as you can imagine - I simply was not well enough to get embroiled in it.

So - it is all a bit touchy.

Your posts have buoyed me up as I do not feel so bad about my resentments now. Thank you.

If you don't get any answer on whether she will be having lunch on Saturday, email her again to say that you REALLY do need to kno, because if she isn't you could be having lunch with (insert whoever you like) Add that of course you won't accept that invitation if she is to be there, but if she is definitely not, then you wouldn't like to miss out on both lunch with her AND lunch with your other friend.

You could also ask whether she means to eat nothing but that cake all the time she is there, too - I suspect that might be construed as tetchy, but in her case you have a right to tetchiness.

Surely the answer is "so you're here for afternoon tea and going on? She will have to stipulate meals then.

Harrigran posted 'We get set in our ways and having to change routines when having guests can be disturbing especially if there is a health issue too.'

This isn't always a good thing. Surely it's better for us not to get set in our ways and to try to embrace a bit of variety, challenge and disturbance?

Otherwise it's the slow path to decline and being boring old farts people.

Though as I said on another thread (Young at heart) some people are probably born that way

Too late Anya, I am already that with my health requirements and DH now having cancer, we are skidding sideways into being the most boring people around.

Harri I'm sure you're not. Best wishes to you both.

I am not set in my ways but I would not be pandering to luckygirl's relative.

She does not have a right to see her brother and to impose a visit of several days on both of you, unless he also wishes it.

Harrigan serious health problems like cancer are more than a reasonable excuse to deter too many house guests, particularly those who invite themselves!

Not referring to the OP as such but so many grans on here appear to be married to miserable sods who are not interested in the wider family or the outside world, and as a result the woman is isolated and has to pander to his needs and live a miserable life.

oh dear, I think DH is more sociable than me and I have had to stop myself turning into a miserable so and so who likes her home comforts.

I NEVER have anyone to stay any more. It's sheer hassle and who needs it? We used to get friends contacting us from the Colonies saying "I'm coming over!!!" and expecting to stay. The cheek! We used to have them and they were always crying poor even though they could afford the flight and travelling around the country. Then we would take them out and foot the bill. If we'd waited for them to pay, we'd still be there. So now I just say "We will not be available". If they get the hump so be it.

Your brother is a different case as you would like to stay friendly with him so just tell him it's out of the question due to your husband's declining health and his nerves and DON'T WEAKEN. They would be a worthless bunch if they didn't accept that gracefully, and brother or not, risk it. Good Luck!!

Just reading this while waiting for husband to return from the airport with his brother and brothers wife. They are here from Australia for SIX WEEKS. This will be shared with their sister but still have three weeks to cope with. They are in their 80s we are in our 60s, so they will expect to be catered to in every way. I will survive!!

I admit when I visit my family in Australia I always stay with my brother but I always suggest I can stay in a nearby hotel (an offer my sister in law refuses to accept) but I take them out for lunch most days, take them out for dinner at least once a week, pay for the whole family (10 in all) to have a farewell dinner and buy a thank you present before I leave. (I would like to be able to stay with them if I go again!!)

You sound like an ideal guest sunseeker

from the Colonies

Glenfinna you have my sympathy...and someone who said visitors from the Colonies...mmm.

I have rellies who I love to see, who don't impose overnight but visit for a matter of hours.

The last 3 visits over the last 5 years go like this; they ring/email to suggest meeting and lunch. I make lunch. I wait. they arrive around 8pm. Last time I just made a cake and we had tea and cake but I have to admit waiting from 2pm until they arrived at nearly 7pm.

So it always takes over a whole day.

I have had visits from the Colonies, great friends, to stay for 3-4 weeks, and after 2 weeks I was ready to leave the marital home because I was frankly exhausted. Every night cooking from scratch for 4 people, whereas my DH and I if alone would perhaps eat out 2-3 evenings a week and certainly lunch at the weekends.

Way back when very young and first married with a baby, my parents for 2 summers sent my 2 sisters to stay for the whole summer holidays - and one had just done her O Leves so it was a 3 month stay. With no financial contribution and neither sister came with pocket money. It was lovely having a house full but a dreadful strain on the marriage.

Good luck OP.

I should have said when visitors from the Colonies stayed, both of us were working full time..

I am taking note of how to behave when we go to visit our Colonials.

Where I live is quite isolated, except DD2 lives next door. I welcome visitors, family and friends. Nothing like having lots of time catching up with an old friend. One friend doesn't cook when she stays but she cleans. One time I was house sitting DD's house and friend came to stay for a week to keep me company. She even cleaned DD's fridge, bathrooms, dusted and polished, helped me fold all the washing and cleaned the floors every time I was cooking for us, she is a freak. We had left before DD, SIL and GC arrived home from overseas and DD said it was like a cleaner had been through her house.

Years ago exH's friend and his wife used to visit every six months. They did nothing but sit around all day while I waited on them. DH was often at work and DD1 was a baby/toddler. One meal the male wanted his meal served up to him in front of the television.