AIBU to not feel any gratitude?

Just the sort of thing my MiL would have done. She would have made a joke about 'helping' as in, 'You can swear about me when I've gone home'

She was an absolute gem.

I find it hard to sit, I like to be outside, sweeping gardens keeps boredom at bay.

icbn2802, I do the same as your mum, my daughters thank my efforts, we are all happy.

I think it depends on the attitude of the person doing it. If my mum had done it I would have felt that she was judging.

At all of the DD's I would ask, except when I am childminding then I do what I can see - usually hanging washing up or bringing it in and folding.

I think you are being a tad over sensitive here. On your own admission the path was "pretty messy". She saw a job that needed doing, you were occupied happily baking, what was she doing? So she saw a small but useful way of helping out. That is no slight on how you run your ship. I think I would like your mum.

I would love someone to come to my house and give me a hand with whatever needed doing . I would not be in the least bit offended only grateful . I am struggling at the moment with poor physical health and also have been diagnosed with depression , so much needs doing and I can only manage the basics . To have someone come and muck in would be a dream come true , your Mum is only trying to help and feels relaxed enough to just roll her sleeves up and get on with it !

Mumoffmadboys my Dad would ask when I last cleaned my specs.
He would promptly remove from my face polish them and say 'you could grow spuds on 'em!'
Wish he was still here to clean them

My DD a mother of two toddlers would be quite upset if I didn't do anything to help

However when my MIL Visited she would often sweep my carpets with a broom!
The hoover used too much Electric!

I guess maybe I am being over sensitive, touchy, out of order blah blah blah.....but it's happening all the time. Mum will always comment on the amount of laundry I've got, my daughters messy bedroom, how quickly the grass is growing etc etc I suppose she's just thinking out loud really. Trouble is it does affect me, makes me feel like I don't cope & that I obviously do need her help. She doesn't mean any harm I know that but doesn't mean it's any less frustrating.
And I do feel like I'm being judged because I always feel the need to explain just why I've got more crumbs then carpet on the floor! Just come visit mum that's all I ask!

I would feel the same, which is why I do not do it to my children.

It does sound as if your mum's a bit judgmental in a negative way, icbn (may I call you icybean?) so I get where you're coming from. Perhaps I would have minded if my mum had done stuff. I did mind her complaining about my kids just being kids (she'd had five; you'd think she'd remember) and about the time when I was visiting her and said good night and she then said: "Don't be noisy when you get up". I replied coldly: "Mum, I'm the quietest person you know; I can't help it if your floor boards squeak and creak on my way to the bathroom." Grr.

My mil, on the other hand, never criticised or interfered or was judgmental but she did get busy. She was a busy type but also a saint and one of the nicest people I've ever known.

momb, your mum's question about when the windows were last cleaned made me laugh. I can't remember when I last did mine. I'm not even sure it was last year. I think I probably did a few last year at some point. Yes, I think it quite likely since I bought a new reacher squeegee thingy last year so I didn't have to use a ladder (fell of the ladder the time before that).

off

Would you rather have her in the kitchen, washing things up as you go along, commenting on your cooking and getting in the way?

You say you are not on your own so maybe your partner was pleased to see the garden swept. The garden can get messy just after you swept it depending on the weather so not really like a messy house.

Move my ornaments, no way. Comment on toys lying around after the children have gone to bef, no way but I would have tidied them up so my daughter could sit in peace and I won't fall over them. But I go and stay for a week at least not just for the day. She moans at me for leaving the kitchen a bit untidy.

When I married my mother in law lived a distance away and so visits were a stay of at least a week. Mr C and I worked full time. First day she washed the dusters, second day she cleaned the house from top to bottom. I figured I had two choices, I could sulk, get cross and upset her or I could say a big thank you and enjoy a clean home with no effort on my part. The second option won. I appreciated the desire to make my life easier.

Perhaps if you suggest she sits down & has a cup of tea & a chat with you, tell her you'd rather spend time with her, than her doing chores that you think unnecessary. Two possible outcomes, she will either pass a comment about your abilities too keep your garden/house to a certain standard or she will say she is just trying to help by doing something helpful. You can then tell her it's your home & don't want her to do it & that's the way you choose to live. Good luck

Whenever my lovely B-i-L visits with his wife he often disappears into the garden and after he has gone I find he has swept up leaves, power washed the paths or done some other job that I am too lazy busy to do!

Reading between the lines it sounds as if your housekeeping is not up to her standard. If you're happy with the 'lived-in' look then fine, but it obviously irritates her and that's just her way too.

I just wish I didn't feel so upset by it. I should be grateful but I just find it very irritating, which overrides any gratitude. In the past when my children were much younger mum would help me out in various ways around the house & back then I was very grateful but now, my youngest is nearly 14 i do not need the help. And just find these gestures of help unnecessary & judgemental which makes me feel very sad. It's my house my mess & my responsibility.

I'm sorry you feel so upset. You are of course right, it's your home and of course you should be in control. Hard to know how to overcome it unless you would feel able to tell your Mum. I'd love to be able to say and know I am right that your Mum is just being a Mum and not judgemental but I don't know her so can't say for sure. I do hope so, though. Is there a way to go around this, rather than through it? Maybe ask her to do something of your choosing, that way you are in charge. If you would welcome her company rather than activity then do tell her. Is she just someone who doesn't think it's OK for her to just be there and she has to contribute something, whether asked to or not? Sort of paying her way? Or even wondering if she will need your help one day and so wants to do what she can while she can. I wish there was an easy answer for you and I do hope you can find a way to be more relaxed when she is in your home.

If anyone visits me and wants to brush, sweep, dust, tidy or whatever, they are made most welcome. Like you with your cakes we can reciprocate with eggs, bread or cakes. I think it's a good deal. I just wish someone once in a while would offer to turn the compost heap!!!!

I was always very pleased when my mum did jobs when visiting. I knew that she was doing it to help me. She came to stay for a few days after the birth of DS1, and told me then that she would try not to overstep the mark - apparently, when her own mum came to 'help' her in the same situation, she started by cleaning and rearranging a display cabinet!

I regularly do things at DS/DiL's house - washing-up, weeding, cleaning windows), but I checked in the early days that they didn't mind (was babysitting at time), and explained that i find it hard to sit still for long. I also told DiL that she shouldn't be afraid to let me know if i went too far. No complaints so far ☺

That said, apart from a bit of washing-up, I don't usually do anything when there as a visitor, as opposed to childminding. (Mind you, it's quite rare that i am a visitor!)

Sthe last time that DS2and DIL stayed here, she cleaned the inside of the lounge windows. The window cleaner had been the day before, and I was very greatful. When they went home, I was motivated to clean the rest of them ? . I certainly didn't see it as interfering, just pleased that she felt comfortable doing it.

I think you need to talk to yur mum, ic. If something upsets you that much you need to spit it out.

Would your mum just have been sitting around feeling neglected because you were busy? She might be reduced to wondering what's the point of her being there. Have you considered that aspect?

I have a daughter who is fanatically clean but serially untidy. Nothing ever seems to get put away. I always say to her, "is there anything I can do for you", and the answer is always the same; "no". They don't have a lot of time. We are over there two days a week and have time to occasionally help with ironing, gardening, cleaning windows, but she will not have it so there is nothing I can do. I wouldn't dream of taking matters into my own hands or criticising. She would never speak to me again. Not worth that.

I suppose mums always been like it. She's a very restless person.
Just wish she would ask me if I needed any help or jobs doing rather than take it upon herself to just make a start.
The most memorable incident, having mum show up on the doorstep with her lawnmower stating 'I've come to cut your grass!' after walking half a mile with it clanking down the road. I'd not even mentioned the grass needing a trim....
Just needs a gentle reminder that this is actually my home & garden.....and I'm more than capable of managing it, in my own way.

icbn2802 I suppose it's all a question of tolerance and what you think is more important. I think we are emotionally tied into our mothers no matter how old we are and our responses to what they do and say link into what happened when we were children. But you also have to balance that with thinking about how important things really are and if just putting up is better than speaking out. Your mum is obviously irritating in many ways and does things you dislike, but even if you speak out will she change or just take a huff and continue to do the same things just more surreptitiously?
Finally (and I hope this is far into the future) one day your mum may well not be able to come round and 'help'. When that happens you may look back fondly on memories of her sweeping the garden. My mum is 95 and in sheltered housing I remember the days when she came to stay and did my ironing, they were great times.

My late DM used to clean my cooker when she came to visit. I took to cleaning it myself the evening before she arrived but she did it anyway. I have never felt the urge to clean either of my sons' houses (not that there's any need to do so!). One exception is the dishwasher filters as DS2 and partner don't seem to know where they are! I clean those when they have gone off to work so they will never know!