difficult adult daughter

I am with radicalnan. I cannot believe the way some people tolerate adult children's dreadful, selfish behaviour. It's difficult to cause a scene, and we love our offspring but we do them no favours in allowing them to trample on our feelings and good nature.
I would be inclined to point out how she was rude and off hand. It may help her. I'd also be inclined to say the next meeting is off if she intends to treat you in such a manner again.

I think it's an indication of her thick skin that she wants you to provide her with examples of her thoughtless and rude behaviour. Hopefully in time she'll appreciate consideration and kindness towards her mother might be the appropriate way forward.

It may cause a rift but I do feel you have to make a stand, to teach her a lesson if nothing else.

Good luck. I hate bad feeling but I'll never be a doormat or allow others to treat me in less than a fair manner. She is a grown up. She needs to see the light.

Can we ever judge what might work. I have a similar situation with me son and DIL. I am not sure that anything works(12years of experience) if they feel so strongly that they are in the right. They seem obsessed these days with feeling they can say what we want but when we stand up to them they blow! Conflict can be constructive but each party has to understand how they make the other one feel or how they are perceived to be able to work together to find a mid way solution. In my experience this works fine in the work place but it seems less so close to home. Through ups and downs I just keep the door open. I think though if I didn't have grandchildren that I have to ask to see it would be even more difficult to do. It ends up asking yourself how important your daughter is to you...sadly...regardless...Best of luck

Sorry typos, my son and say what they like

This is a hard one. My daughter is same age she has a 6 year old daughter and lives with us. Its a little bit like having a 17 year old in the house. Long lie ins, very little help around the house, a cloud of doom every time a relationship breaks down. Unfortunately she cannot afford to live independently although she holds down a full time job. We did pay half the rent on a house for a year but even that was not enough to allow her to cope on her own. Then of course there is own granddaughter to consider so we try our best to keep the peace and not nag but honestly puts such a strain on us. Its hard some times to believe we are in this situation.

Oh my goodness I really feel for you in this situation! What is it with daughters?! They can seem so high maintenance at a time they should have long flown the nest, and yet in my experience the stroppy teenager is still alive and well at 32! I used to think having a daughter would be so much easier than a son, but boy have I learned the hard way after having a very laid back boy. We all love our DD's dearly and I'm sure many of you have daughters who give you no trouble whatsoever, if so be grateful and enjoy. In the meantime grit your teeth , count to 10 and put yourself first for once. Good luck!

I wouldn't even bother to do any "sorting out" just let it blow over but let her know asap that the end of month lunch will be happening after all, so it doesn't fester too long.

Some people seem to think this 27 year old woman had a point! In my opinion however tired or grumpy she was (from a fun night out by the way not from a trauma or over work!) she had no right to be rude and to order her mother about! If she didn't feel up to the outing to the market she should have said she was feeling too tired etc I am sure the OP would have understood !!

joolz: thank you for your post. It gave me some insight on how I let things slip at my end. It's always easier to give advice to someone else so on this occasion I will take my own advice and go back to standing on the house rules I used to impose when they were children. They were never allowed to behave however they pleased and if they think they can take liberties now because they are grown ups and we are more like equals, then they also have to behave like grown ups.
ziggy: maybe you can let this one slide as she has a bit of an excuse with being tired after the hen party, but since you said her attitude has been a problem for some time maybe going forward be a little more direct on when her behavior is upsetting? What I said to my son that got him to apologize was simply point out that I felt he was very aggressive in the way he spoke to me and I didn't think I did anything to deserve that. I didn't walk away or end the meeting and in the moment he sulked so I had to move on to a more neutral subject and then ensure I gave him a warm good bye. It was temporary solution but thinking back to when they were teenagers it was all a matter of choosing one's battles and calmly but consistently reinforcing behaviour standards. Perhaps we too think/hope we're done parenting when they reach a certain age...

I agree the daughter's behaviour was wrong. But when you read on here of the heartache some people are suffering from falling out with their children and not being able to see them, I'd strongly advise against cancelling the lunch or letting one bad weekend fester for longer than the bad weekend itself lasted! You can reach a place in your own mind where the social ineptness of others can roll off you like raindrops off a water repellant coat, and that lets you enjoy the good bits.

Sadly, I can offer little by way of comfort. I have 'bern there, done that, got the tee shirt'. Mine seems to have finally grown up, but it took until she was well into her 30s. Her husband appears to be a stabilising influence on her behaviour.

Though I absolutely agree with Ethelwolf above this is such a difficult one. Thanks for raising it. When you are being attacked by Your adult child it is emotionally so hard to be the grown up as it hurts so much, it feels so unfair. The last time this happened to me I didn't for once laugh it off to make the rest of the company feel OK, I clammed up entirely as I also didn't want to make a dramatic scene. Aware that everyone felt awkward. DD tried to bully me out of it. 'For heavens sake come outside and get a grip' type thing. But I couldn't. I was frozen. Grandchild eventually broke the icy spell by projectile vomiting all over the resataurant table and my son. It was so ghastly it was funny. That night though I woke up with a heart event which has turned out to be quite serious. I will never allow that mix of people to celebrate my birthday again. Keep them separate. There were lots of anger jealousy issues rumbling underneath. We all hope we can be like those wonderful effortlessly loving families we read about. But the other side of the coin is there is no one more reliable and caring than my DD.
I also remember I was awful to my mum at times when about that age and I had no idea why.
It's about power, it's about separating, so much easier to separate from someone you dislike. It's human. It's awful and somehow we have to get through it. And reach s point of deeper love with warnings on boundaries. I feel for both of you. A kind of a very firm forgiveness.
It seems your daughter wants to knock you off your perch (so unfair). I bet she feels dreadful - and that's your fault too! Philosophically it is the time when power is, or should be, shifting. And as a mother you will want to help her do this even though it hurts you. That seems like masochism. I think we all need to go to bed and weep. Or meet her. Look at each other shake your head and I hope in her own way she will say she is sorry. You'll know. You can't be too strong. You can't be too weak. ? thanks for sharing.

Sadly Know just how you feel , my eldest daughter is just the same. Not married but with a partner.
I've cried so many tears over the years over her behaviour
I have had Secondary Progressive M S for over twenty three years, l have never asked her to do anything for me , l told both my children to get on with their own lives ( l looked after both my parents when they were ill and l don't want them to feel they have to do it for me, not that they ever offered )
We have bailed her out of credit card debts on numerous occasions but no more. Once we told her we couldn't help anymore she cut us off, just nasty messages via her sister and other people.
It was making my illness much worse with stress .
I love her because she's our daughter, but I don't like the person she's turned into.
Hope you can find some peace.

My first thought was - does she get bad PMT? Sound quite hormonal to me. My second thought is that a hen do usually involves a lot of alcohol and hangovers, perhaps it would have been best not to lay on any other entertainment for her.

Ethelwulf has hit the nail on the head! Not my daughter ( although she comes pretty near sometimes) but my husband! For forty years of marriage he has shouted at me... when his life didn't go as it should...blamed me for everything from his corns to his moles... and all in all verbally abused me all our life together. I've always taken one step back for the sake of peace and my kids. But when I turned sixty I woke up one morning and decided enough was enough. When he decided that getting in the wrong lane while he was driving was my fault I knew the worm was turning! Really! He actually blamed me for his bad driving. I started ranting at him, I ranted and ranted and ranted! Told him everything I thought of his behaviour over all those years.He was absolutely bemused by it all. Couldn't believe I should mind at all being blamed for all the ills of his life as that was how his dad was with his mum. Thinks I'm being unreasonable in not putting up with all the crap and has sulked for the passed 4 years. Wonderful! He doesn't speak unless spoken to now. Completely subdued! Thinks I'm gonna ask for his forgiveness anytime soon. Wrong! I'm enjoying the peace and quiet all too much. If you think me harsh ...don't! Nobody else can abide him either, friends or family.. they only kept up the pretence for my aske. Wonderful life.? Result!!

Ethelwulf has got it absolutely correct. Not my daughter...although she comes close sometimes....but my husband. He's treated me with disdain and rudeness all our married life (41 years). I always backed down from him. But from my 60th birthday ...which went unnoticed by my husband as did my 50th and 40th! I decided that enough was enough! I just stood up to him and told him how I felt over the way I had been treated all our life together.He physically recoiled from my verbal onslaught... couldn't believe I was standing up for myself. I'm 64 now and he knows I 'take no prisoners'. He doesn't cross me anymore. Somebody once said ' you're treated the way you ALLOW yourself to be treated" I know that to be correct . Address bad behaviour immediately wether from daughter OR husband. RESPECT.

I think it is childish to get irritated because she was asked to do something she didn't want to do - go to the market . I am surprised that anyone suggested that that was the case. We all have to do things we don't want to do in life and we can't just take it out on people when we have to . We can't just cave in to this spoilt behaviour. This is of the " stamping ones feet" syndrome. No, I think she need firm dealing with . No-one wants to lose contact with on'e Mum and she is heading that way . Tell her so. I reckon she is testing the boundaries, like a child.

I find it strangely reassuring when Gransnetters share their problems with adult children! Sometimes I think it is only me!

Did her boyfriend witness this behaviour? I hope so, maybe it will give him pause for thought.

I agree it is good to cancel the dinner, leave it a while and see what happens next. When you do meet again, react immediately, but not aggressively, if she is rude to you eg say something like "Hey what have I done to deserve that (tone of voice)'. It will give her a chance to apologise. Don't let her take you for granted. Why on earth was she sending you to get her bag instead of going herself?

It's called a hangover. If you got her to 27 without experiencing one- lucky you. Don't fall out over it. She was rude- forget it. Life's too short

So many posts on this - It must be so common its almost normal. We do have high hopes for family relationships don't we. I guess she is not happy letting you share the limelight - was OK when you were out of the picture. Got to tough it out. It is hurtful to know ones child wants one out of the way - but that's life. Read 'The Rules' - apply - happy and busy. Just give her the amount of time you are comfortable with. We are all human.

I find my adult children can go straight into teenage mode as soon as they come to stay. It's a well known thing. I'm very bad at confrontation and would find it hard in front of others. If it was me, I'd send a nice card, carefully and simply worded, saying that weekend was very upsetting due to her rudeness, and that u are willing to put it behind u and give her one last chance , but that should she start again u will be simply going away out of the situation straight away. Then it's up to her. She s got a clean sheet, if she kicks off, simply stand up, and go! Have a back up escape route planned and ask ur new guy beforehand to support u by going too. GL

My daughter and I have a very bad relationship. She is 38 and single. Apparently I have done something wrong but she won't tell me what it is. I have to work it out. I'm sorry but I have better thing to do with my life that is left. Have had bereavement counselling about it and now don't worry too much. She has awful now for ten years. She won't change. She is selfish and everything has to be about her. I'm happy with what I am doing. Maybe some of you would want the contact but in have had enough.

Ziggy it sounds like post alcohol stroppiness. I can hear that she hurt you, but now you know not to meet her if a big intake of alcohol has happened.

I would be careful not to cut her off, too many grans get cut off buy their AC.

I would forgive her, then meet.

I have the same problem and find it really hard to deal with. Sometimes she's angelic and I feel as though we have a good relationship and then other times she's a nightmare. I just have to hold on very tightly to my boundaries around her and state exactly what I will and will not do. As for the verbal abuse, I find it hard since it's so unpredictable. On the phone I just say: "I feel angry now with what you've said, so I'm putting down the phone." And then do so. I usually then receive text after text. She will eventually calm down but it is like dealing with a toddler. You have my sympathy.

Pity you cancelled the August meet up. I'd have gone but with a strategy in place.

Up until a few years ago I had to tiptoe around my daughter too, then one evening when she'd invited me, her sister in law and a friend round for a meal, she started in on me verbally. I excused myself and left even though it meant I had to walk home across a deserted track. I don't think the penny dropped for about 10 minutes, but about half way home my DiL caught up with me and escorted me home.

I had a profound apology from my daughter (she said she'd had too much wine) but things have been much better since.

You don't always have to actually say anything at the time if you find it hard. Just remove yourself by walking away or giving a stony stare.