Nobody Wants Her

Take a day at a time GDG and do your best. You cannot do any more. Well done to you both. Full of admiration.

An SGO seems the way to go, on all you have said so far. It's a real challenge for loving parents/grandparents to prioritise the needs of their grandchildren whilst still loving their adult child and wanting to support them.

You are a courageous dad and grandad x

So where we are up to is this.

Our daughter refuses to have any conversations or meetings with SS and is completely avoiding them and refusing their calls.

We sent several messages last week to say if she wanted to come home and dust off and if she need any help to get off anything then we can do that, also if she was clean ( thinks shes' just doing a bit of weed) she could get a place near us and start again building a home for her and her daughter with our help that was also workeable and that we were reactive to the situation and not proactively taking her daughter from her.

Her oldest best friend got in touch and was told she'd lost custody of her daughter (??)

So we reached out again and we got a reply that she was happy what she's doing (ie escorting) and was sick of people trying to talk her out of it... we've been trying to talk her into being a proper Mum and taking responsibility but hey ho.

She sleeps most of the day so it's not condusive for a child however our efforts to get a family meeting are frustrating, the SS were supposed to come and see me last Friday as we wanted advice as to how to proceed.

Our daughter is coming over tonight and staying out ours; 3rd time she's seen her in 3 weeks, I hope it goes well in all honesty not that it will give her a jolt into any action.

We've reached acceptance now that this is how it is and we are planning our lives for the 3 of us; I'm going to book us a small holiday in March/April hopefully to get some sun, fun and rest.

We just need the legal stuff sorting now which at a guess will take and age...

It sounds like you need a break, and if your daughter agrees it will be something nice to look forward to. I believe you will need her written permission to take your granddaughter away and will also need a passport fir her. Yes, lots of paperwork. Make sure you work with social services who will hopefully give you proper guidance.
I hope things go ok tonight.

Good luck GrandadGarage , hope it all gets sorted?

Best of luck with all this. Silverlining, from previous posts, it seems the OP wants to and has demonstrated a willingness and ability to work with social services.

Grandad, Is it the social work team who are suggesting a family meeting, or is this something you asked them to help with? Social work teams are so stretched that the goal posts for intervention seem to move ever further. It isn't good enough but it does seem to be the reality.
You need Parental Responsibility, it's unlikely that will be possible before your planned holiday in March. Please see a solicitor whose name is on the children panel, therefore experienced in family law. They will be able to support and advice you on the best way forward. They will understand your desire to support your daughter in getting her life in order. They'll have a lot of experience in situations like the one you find yourself in.
Seeking legal advice doesn't mean you're going against your daughter or the social work team, it means you're seeking the best outcome for your granddaughter

Hi Iam64

They initially suggested it a month ago however they can’t pin my daughter down.

I want to get an SGO asap and get on with our lives as quickly as possible so it’s me that’s impatient to get everything boxed off.

It sounds as though you may need to take the initiative here GG. Social work teams are overwhelmed by safeguarding issues, huge increase in referrals and in care proceedings. This means the fact your granddaughter is safe in your care, leaves her far from the top of the issues to be worked on.
The information you give about your daughter suggests she's made decisions about what she wants in her life currently and that doesn't include staying at home, to build a safe, stable life for her little girl.
Have a look at the Family Rights Groups websites. Also, make an appointment with a solicitor whose name is recorded on the Children Panel as being approved to work in Family Law. The first appointment is often without charge. The solicitor will be familiar with family situations like the one you find yourself in. Seeking legal advice doesn't make you a bad dad, or someone who doesn't want to work with the social workers.

Went to the solicitors today, they agreed an SGO is perfect for our situation and we'll apply first week of Jan.

They suggetsed we ask SS to stump up re the costs.

In the meantime my daughter rather foolishly is telling everyone and anyone she has lost custody of our GD and this has got back to the father who has suddenly shown an interest and is speaking with SS which could complicate things.... oh my days why she's acts with such stupidity is beyond me....

Thanks for the update. It’s good to hear your solicitor knows what’s best. Your daughter is not in a good place and you’re right to take steps to secure your granddaughters future.

Happy New Year everyone.

So, we are on with the SGO now; busy with solicitors and trying to get contributions from SS;

Our GD is quite happy and settled, we're just getting her out of bedtime nappies into pants...we'd forgotten how much washing that creates.

My wife has interacted with a few Grandmas that have their GDs full time which is good as sometimes you feel like you're the only ones that are going through it, they all bring some sort of sadness in their stories which we identify with.

It's clear our GD has seen DV, she told us a few times now about a lad my D was living with briefly and how he hit Mummy with punches and grabbed her throat; she's told us a few times over a few different weeks now so I think we know this is true.

She does ask for her Mummy and is asking where her Mummy lives, she knows her old house Mummy doesn;t live there anymore; my wife had to clear it out which was, I was going ot say heartbreaking, but honestly I'd say traumatic not only how our GD lived but also our D; cig butts on the floor, the odd bag of weed, used condoms, pretty horrible stuff to see so god only knows what went on. However that is past and we're making everything simple, routines, patterns, fun eveyrthing 4 year olds should be doing; discipline is hard; as GPs we used to just have the fun bits and now we have the full hit.

As for our D, she gave up her rented house, she's living out of hotels no fixed abode, we've tried allsorts of approaches to get her to talk and to see sense; we;ve tried it all, soft, hard, calm, shouting, we've begged her but she doesn;t want to know, last night i tried again and she immediately started shouting i was stressing her out; she put her headphones in and ignored me for the next half an hour...that's how she deals with truths and difficult questions, it's a myriad of ever changing emotions for us it really is.

Onwards and upwards as they say; our GD brings us joy that wipes away the pain and sadness we feel...

I’m so sorry you are having to deal with all this, but glad you now have some sort of resolution. Hats off to you for making a home for your grandaughter, and also for not giving up on your daughter. It must be terribly hard. I hope the future for your grandaughter is brighter now, and I wish you all the best in looking after her.

Thanks for the update, I want to say how well you're doing but don't want to sound patronising. It's hell on earth to step in to care for grandchildren when adult children's lives mean they can no longer provide the love, stability and routines children need
You're doing all that as well as still trying to reach out to your daughter. I do hope the SGO application is dealt with speedily and without too much emotional upheaval.

I somehow have missed this thread, but it's been a joy to read all the lovely messages and see how knowledgeable grans like Iam have used their wealth of experience to offer advice and support.

The situation you describe GrandadGarage is very painful for you and your wife, but your determination to do the best you can for your daughter and granddaughter is clear to see. I wish you well in your endeavour to make a happy home life for your little girl.

Glad to read your update GrandadGarage and that as far as your little granddaughter is concerned things are much better, hopefully one day will be same for yourselves and your daughter

thanks for the replies,

granny activist, it's been a huge source of comfort, advice and experience sharing from posters and am very grateful for that

Hello folks, Just thought I would post an update.

Our SGO application is going through albeit very slowly; could be a few months away yet but it's in the courts and we've got to go next week for something or other.

Little one has just been to Disneyland Paris for her birthday with her Mum and my wife, we're trying to get a weekly routine as her Mum can see her 2-3 times in a week then nothing for 2 weeks and she never turns up on time which is really frustrating as if she arrives late she brings her back late which upsets the bedtime routine.

The Dad and their family are back on the scene too, so we're carefully managing that too as they've been in and out her life for 4 years since she was born, right now we do feel this is positive for the little one and are hopeful it will be long term.

We find ourselves in the position of trying to impress on both the Mum and the Dad the need to have set day (s) and regular routine and contact - weird !

One of the diffcult things we are finding is if the Mum or Dad has had our GD then when she comes back for a while she is "anti us" so she'll say things like I dont want to live with you or I don't like you and she can display signs of aggression and getting in our faces a littel bit which is difficult in so far as our original GP role is the fun bit ! Poor little things head must be shredded bless her.

So that's where we are, hopefully we can get both Mum and Dad into a routine so we can also get a break as our "man and wife" relationship is pretty disrupted.

Best wishes.

Thanks for this update, GrandadGarage. We are still following your brave story. Pleased that progress is being made and wishing you and GrandmaG the very best for the future.

Thanks Blinko,

Ah we're not brave really, there's worse in the world going on; alls we can do is our best which we are doing

Hello GrandadGarage my heart goes out to you. You have made the right decision with regard to the little one.

I had my daughters children from an early age, we had a Residence Order in place. No other grandparents were involved, so we didn't have that added problem. Yes, we were tired at times, and the whole situation was very trying.

However, they are grown now and still an important part of our life. They were hard work but would I change anything, no not one jot. We reminisce with them going about the things we did like going to ballet classes, all going on holiday together etc. and look at our photographs.

The eldest one has just rung me to ask how I am doing, I love her so much. They have grown into lovely adults.

Good luck with everything you do

GrandadGaragedont worry about her being ani you when she comes back I think thats quite normal...well as normal as it can be in her circumstances.My two eldest GC 's parents split when they were very young and we had this happening every time they stayed with their dad .They played up,were argumentative and cried for their dad .Thats the dad who did nothing with them when they were with him.Now 9 years down the line they rarely see him ,he has a new wife and a new child and little time for them .My GD stills cries for him ,her brother cant be bothered with him.

GrandadGarageyou sound like a lovely, caring man. I wish you all the very best in the world for you and your family.

GrandadGarage thank you for updating us and very best wishes to you and your wife; your DGD is so lucky to have you in her life to bring her some stability.

Whenever I saw the title of your OP it brought tears to my eyes - but you both want her and love her and that is wonderful. I'm glad you are managing to work with both her parents and her father's family; don't get despondent, your DGD probably feels able to say things she doesn't really mean to you because she feels safe and loved with you and your wife.

Grandadgarage....thank you for the update, it’s so surprising how some people’s life stories stay with you!! I thought of you and gd often.
Can I make a small suggestion (and I hope I won’t sound as if I know better than you!!) rather than hope that gds parents step up a bit more so you can take a break, are there any other family members who could stay over night to care for gd and let you have a rest away somewhere nice once and a while?
I just fear you may be let down by her parents (as they still seem to be somewhat unreliable).
Or are there any friends from nursery whoes parents you trust to take her once awhile?
Just a thought
Wishing you and your wife all the best.

Loads of people are in the same boat and there will probably be a support group in your area. Search on Facebook or Google for Kinship Carers Groups and hopefully you will find something. x