Cousins

I don’t have Grand’s yet but my sister does. She has the same concerns that you do. Her daughters children are quite sophisticated and up on all trends on clothing, etc (ages 7 and 10) whereas her sons children are not as mature, I guess. It is quite obvious.

I'm quite amazed by all this 'worry'.Please don't! Life is too short.I have had massive health probs in the last 7yrs plus & one thing i've TAKEN back from the cancer is my teenage 'attitude'. If you wanted to put me in a category i suppose it would be Arty&Liberal.I have 33 cousins!(mother was one of 12) Aged from 55 to 88,i'm in the middle. Meet most at funerals&weddings.Some family groups are relatively poor,some rich-mainly to do with profession.But they are not differentCLASS.And if anyone tried to'put on the style' they'd get short shrift,if from no one else,from me! We mainly 'mass communicate' at Xmas & as it happens,NOW-to check that everyone is well.Over 50 2nd cousins.If some want to be stand-offish ,let them.We all have to go to the devil in our own way.Everyone contributing must have lived&loved thru the 50's,60's &70's,were we so judgemental then?A 17yr old told my husband to'chill out,it's cool' the other day wh
en he apologised,he burst out laughing.But its as good advice now as it was way back then!

Daughter’s children say please and thank you but at FiL’s funeral son’s children went round the room shaking hands at ease with everyone, standing up for women etc. Everyone was impressed and spoke about them after but no mention of daughter’s children.

Your daughter's children sound just fine. I think your son & DIL are trying a bit too hard - it's impertinent for young people to go around shaking hands with older people and are obviously instructed/reminded to do such things - then everyone is impressed with their 'performance'.

Very clear favouritism. One set gets you more praise from others. One set clearly will do better in life? Your daughter and grandchildren will eventually pick up on this and you will not be a favourite of theirs either

The behaviour of those cousins also gave me red flags.
Shaking hands, standing up for women, etc?
And they are in their teens?

No, just no. They sound like robots being programmed to live many decades ago.

People being impressed instead of concentrating on comforting the family is very gossipy.

Op's expectations are way out of warp.

These kids/young adults are individuals, brought up differently and with different experiences. I think you just need to see them as individuals in their own right, and stop comparing them with each other. How their cousins are is totally irrelevant to how they are!!

Spend time with them as individuals, enjoy their company as individuals. See them as individuals within a family group.

Just enjoy them for who they are!!

I'm not surprised that the two sets of cousins don't get on that well. You are worrying too much and life's too short. Also, you can't chose your family but you can chose your friends. I suspect that there's many on here who don't get on with some of their siblings and/or extended family. There's even some who don't like their parents (this comes from a different thread)

Are your children and grandchildren happy? Because that is all that matters isn't it?

well i can see where you are coming from.
although i agree with PPs who say you cannot control the relationships your GC have with each other, and it's pointless to try; so you should relax, concentrate on your own life etc.
but, but..i think this is a part of your own inner life for you.
you are reflecting on a deeply emotional level, not discussing an intellectual point.
you wonder whether your influence on your daughter has disadvantaged her children somehow, unintentionally; and this is brought into stark relief by the contrast you see in the manner and ease of the other GC.
i had thought the word class just before you mentioned it.
it is the confidence of the middle classes that gives them a smoother run, better prospects, more choices etc.
and you see this self assurance in one set of GC and not the other. so you wonder, and feel uneasy that it has something to do with you. that it may be your fault.
these are the feelings i think.
and this is the point where you have to bring your intellect in. your daughter brought up her children, she chose her style and priorities. and what felt right for her. the other set may experience some unseen difficulties, you cannot tell. and above all you cannot control it and you are not responsible for how they turn out or what chances they have.