Missing my son

We hold our children by letting them go. DH is an only child. If at the age of 16 or 18 he had decided to emigrate to Australia his mother would have packed his bag seen him off to the airport and told him how delighted she was to see him spreading his wings and kept her tears for later. As a result DH was devoted to his mother and I had a wonderful mother in law.

When we are young we often do things that hurt our parents without intention, perhaps Happygran, your son may just be doing everything his girlfriend wants without thinking of you, maybe she is afraid of you rejecting her as he is the 'baby' in the family, none of these things may be true, but I know I did things as I grew up that I realise made my mother sad and both my children, now in their 40s did things that made me feel on the outside looking in when they were in their 20s, but it was not intentional and now, we are as close as ever.

Such a nice post, flickety

Thank you for all your kind messages.

Phoenix, I am so sorry about your son and it does put my own pain in perspective but I am still grieving the loss of my old relationship with my son. I know I am lucky that he is here and healthy but the 'empty nest syndrome' is real and is a recognised form of loss. I didn't intend to offend you in anyway, I just came on for a bit of support as I was feeling very down.

Happygran you are right that the empty nest syndrome is well known and recognised but it does pass. You may even find in time to come that you really enjoy the time in your life after your children have flown. I think it is very natural to miss ones children for a little while when they leave home however their leaving opens up a new exciting chapter in our lives.

I hope you soon feel a bit brighter

happygran1964 I think that when our children start to find their own lives, leave home etc - we are thinking back to when they are babies and needed us all the time. It's normal to feel a bit wistful about those days but you should be pleased your son is a confident young man that can find his own way in the world. You helped him do that - so let him go - it's part of life, letting them go. He will always need you in some way or other. My son and family call upon me to help out from time-to-time and I'm always glad to do so. However, I've been a sole occupant of my home long enough now to enjoy it.

Roots and wings, cliche though it may be, sums it up!

Phoenix you have put things into perspective for us. (hug)

When I think of the loss that Phoenix and Nellie have endured, I feel ashamed to be grieving because my daughter has cut off all contact with me and has severe mental health problems. I don't underestimate the pain felt by mothers whose sons (and it is usually sons) have started spending their time with other people, but it really is just a normal part of motherhood. Who would want a 'mummy's boy' who wanted to spend all his time at home?
The daughter with whom I still have a close and loving relationship lives 12,000 miles away, but I am just happy that she is living the life she loves with her husband and family.
Yes, we must all count our blessings!
Happygran - perhaps the couple have more privacy in her student digs than they would have at your home - I would have been very shy about sharing a bed with my fiance in his mother's house!

phoenix That is dreadful. I didn't know you were another of the GNers who has lost a child. (((((hugs)))))

Phoenix (((hugs)))

phoenix, there are no words that anyone can utter that can take the edge off how you feel. I know this. It's like a cold wash of grief that comes over us and whichever way we turn there are no comforting words, however well meant, that can help. We have to wait till the feeling subsides again. And it does, doesn't it? Until the next time. xx

Our job is to love them and bring them up to move on and build their own lives, and if they can do that we have fulfilled our job, but it doesn't mean that the love is any less on either side.

phoenix {{{hugs}}} and to all the other Gnetters who have suffered the loss of a child or grandchild {{{hugs}}} I cant even begin to understand

Happygran1964, your son will be totally infatuated with his girlfriend and they are able to be 'themselves' when he goes to see her at her student digs. There will also be the other students around who he'll be getting to know and this will be broadening his life so much! He'll be having fun and is with his girl. He'll know that you'll be hoping he'll visit now and again, but he's all loved-up just now! Remember that feeling - nothing and no-one else matters?
This might sound a bit silly, but one day I came across my son's cub jumper with all its badges sewed on (he's 41 now - a big healthy strapping man, 6' 4" in height!) and I sat on the bed in the spare room and really wept! I didn't want him back as a wee boy, but I suppose I was weeping for different times - I've no idea!

Marelli you've summed up exactly what I wanted to post... I've had the same 'moment' when my son and his partner left to go back home , they live in Gibralter, having just been told they are expecting a precious new grandchild.. I wept buckets when I was stripping the bed they'd used while here for Christmas... rediculous but very emotional for me..
Phoenix you will manage to feel better about the whole thing in time.. or maybe we Mums are just good at hiding it..

phoenix, I know you had hinted at this great sadness in your life, but had never told us how terrible it was for you. You contribute so much to our forums and yet there is this shadow behind you. I can't begin to imagine how you felt then and still feel now but just want to put my arms round you and give you a hug ((((hugs)))). Words are not enough.

Happygran, please don't begrudge your son the experience of 'first love'. They get very bound up with one another at that stage. Either it will blossom or it will wither away. One of mine went through lots of girlfriends which enabled him to know the right one when she came along - now married with two lovely children; the other is still with the girl he met 19 years ago when they were both 21. Today he is 40!
DS1 left to work abroad when he was 21, while DS2 was already away at Uni. Empty nest? I didn't have time to notice as I was a local councillor, was still working and also doing an OU French course. I had several very nice holidays thanks to DS1's job. Be friendly - but relaxed - with the girlfriend, Happygran. Most students can do with a good free meal, so have them round together but don't expect them to stay for the night unless they suggest it.

I'm really sorry my last remark was meant for Happygran ... I wish there was a delete button here..

Tannith - I don't think any mother ever gets over the death of a child. They just learn to contain their grief for the sake of other people.

Tanith - sorry for the typo.

Happy I agree with most of what has already been said but would like to add one thing. If we don't let go of the apron strings there is a chance our children will resent us. If you keep asking him to come your neediness may actually put him off bringing her home to you. There is no suggestion you have done this and I am speaking from watching someone else, not you. A friend recently suggested that I am always getting my 3 to come and visit me and I had to explain that I have never invite them but they keep coming anyway and just assume they will come for Christmas and Easter and any other time they feel like it! She must have been thinking about her own relationship with her sons who only take and never give.

Good luck

phoenix thinking of you I cannot imagine how you must feel x

Oh Phoenix I am so sorry to learn about the tragic loss of your young son. I can't even pretend to know how you must feel everyday.

Phoenix

Phoenix , I can only add to what others have said . Hugs and a kiss .

Phoenix I have only just caught up with thread. As annoand other GN's have said, words are never going to be enough. We mothers can only feel a fraction of your ongoing pain.

Sorry guys I reacted badly after phoenix posted!!! I was taken aback when she posted...I felt ashamed that I was groaning on about how I miss my son when she has lost hers. I was wrong and am Sorry if I have offended anyone..

Hi Cheelu - don't worry please, it's most unlikely that anyone has been offended by your post which Phoenix herself acknowledged was kindly meant.