Advice please.

Goodness me what an over reaction by the teacher. There are always 2 sides to every story and surely by now she should know something of the character of these children and act accordingly.
This habit of writing letters of apology Is spreading but I think they are a total waste. The child does it because its been told to not because he or she feels sorry. And they're 5 for heavens sake.
And in case you're wondering I was a teacher once!

What a to do about the management of a five year olds behaviour. I worked 20 years ago in primary school with 4 and 5 year olds where playground behaviour was a mixed lot. I heard so many insults and offensive behaviour where most were addressed in a sensible manner without leaving a scarred child in its wake. What's wrong with being sensible these days? What's wrong with private discussion with children/parents/grandparents. I've heard classroom chat about individuals difficult behaviour and it's a sin that this should be allowed. Each incident should be dealt with on an individual basis as each has its own merit. Little children should not be frightened of going to school in any shape or manner. I realise it can be difficult for teachers to address certain matters but I would advise support to them in order to achieve a satisfactory outcome.

It is not appropriate for children of any age to upset other children, even if they did not realise they would ad they need to learn that. In my experience both girls and boys tell adults when they have been upset. Schools teach children to tell an adult if they are upset. It is not sneaky! Teachers are generally not idiots. They know the kids in the class and their modus operandi and are skilled in managing their various needs.

It is entirely possible that GAs DGS had said things like this before and it had been dealt with in class and low key but that he had not responded to the 'early warning' and so has moved to the next stage of the behaviour management policy. That is why I suggested checking what the policy said!

I agree that a teacher should not discuss a behaviour issue with a parent in the hearing of others but the teacher is quite right that she must not discuss other children, or what sanctions they may have been given, with another parent. That would be dreadful!

I can't help but wonder what the debate would have been if the OPs DGC had been the girl in this situation.

I like Anya's suggested approach. I thought an important point she made was, along with a telling off, apology and handshake, it is important to express surprise at such behaviour "in a little boy who is usually kind".

I agree that a child should feel comfortable telling a teacher if he/she feels upset or intimidated but I think how the situation arose should be investigated. In this particular case it sounded like it might have been "six of one and half a dozen of the other" and so the reaction seems heavy handed to me.

I don't think it's very nice for a child to call other children "poo head" or any similar term. Given that it's usually not just one child using these terms, I would think a teacher could speak to the whole class about the way they talk to each other. If the name calling continues, I think it would be appropriate for the teacher to speak separately to the child/children in question.

I don't see the "incident" as being very "serious" but it did need to be addressed. A letter of apology for a five-year old needs be only a few words within the scope of a bright and literate boy as described: "Dear [name] I am sorry" would be fine and would probably have a more lasting impact on all concerned than anything that is just verbal.

I'm not at all sure why some Gransnetters are quite so forceful about little girls being sneaky. All of them?

It is concerning that the teacher has made assumptions about your daughter's and grandson's family life and that should also be addressed – quietly and privately. However, it is important to remember that if a child is showing signs of distress or antisocial behaviour – and I am not making any accusations because I have no details of the whole story and do not make assumptions – we would all pillory a teacher who didn't follow up in some way and then some major problem resulted.

I don't think anyone did say,or even suggest that all little girls are sneaky Absent . In my family we have noticed that my DGS always seems to be the one being caught for doing something silly or naughty whilst the eldest DGD is much more sneaky and is often the one to instigate the trouble. She is a pretty little girl and puts on the "sweet and innocent" face and voice whenever trouble is brewing.

I know we don't know the whole story, and neither did the teacher know what had happened before did she? Which surely made the way she reacted all the worse.

I think it would be a good idea to get an appointment with the head teacher.
Your DD was not happy with the way her DS and his supposed home situation was spoken about in the hearing of other parents. The teacher should never have done that.
Your DD could also ask what basis the teacher has for her ideas on the home situation, and whether there has been cause for concern with her DS's behaviour previously.

Unfortunately, many teachers are not the sensible, well-rounded individuals, skilled in dealing with children, that we might hope for.

Can I just say that it may be that the teacher did know exactly what happened and her reaction was what the school policy sets out. We only know what has been posted on here and I am not suggesting it is not correct it is only one perspective.

That is why I said if it had been your 4/5 year old DGD that became upset because a child had said they were going to kill them what would you want the teacher to do??

It is not the way I personally would have handled the situation however different schools have different rules.

Seems like the teacher is between a rock and a hard place.

I take exception to your statement that

many teachers are not the sensible, well-rounded individuals, skilled in dealing with children, that we might hope for.

Some I can accept but many is a bit of an exaggeration! You should meet the parents and kids!

I must say the teachers that I have come across seem to be very reasonable, committed and caring people.

I have in the past met older teachers with some quite rigid and unpleasant views but hopefully those sorts of teachers are much rarer now.