Adult Sons, any good experiences?

Thank you morethan2

I second morethan the years soon pass and those two little men will soon grow,enjoy the time and watch them come on in the world the years pass so quickly so please do stop worrying about them growing up and just enjoy the experience,mine have given me endless joy and are now both happily married to lovely girls who I class as DDs rather than DILs.

As someone else has said, you do hear about the relationships that have gone wrong in a great deal of bitter detail (from both sides) but the ones that have stayed happy and supportive without anyone feeling smothered or exploited are just accepted as the normal way of living, so there is no need to make a song and dance about them.

when DILs and MILs do get on well its often because the MIL doesnt have a DD so the DILs become substitutes for the daughters they never had. Those MILs who have our own DDs in contrast are almost always going to be closer to them than any DIL our sons provide for us!

Not sure I agree with this. I have a DS and DD and I am still very close to DDiL. DD and DDiL have such very different personalities that I have equal but different relationships with both, they complement each other. DD has chosen not to marry or have children and is very independent. DDiL's DM did not work while, like DDiL, I followed a professional career while juggling home, work and outside interests and I fully understand all the pressures and juggling she does to keep her life going. We also share a similar taste in clothes! She has bought me clothes as presents confident that I will like what she buys and that was indeed so as recently as this Christmas and I have passed on to her clothes that I have bought and DGD told me how much she wears them!

You cannot get closer to another woman than to be able to buy them clothes they will happily wear!

I have a wonderful 32 yr old son. He's single ( any single daughters going)? He lives at the pub/ small hotel where he works but visits about twice a week. Today he came for lunch and built our flat pack furniture for us. My DH is dyslexic and struggles to follow instructions. The table and chairs are excellent. He's very thoughtful and I love him dearly.

I have two DDs (very different personalities) but my DIL is a lovely girl and I am so pleased that DS found her!

And yes, I have bought her something that she wears

but??

My DDs are lovely girls too

I hate the expression A son is a son till he takes him a wife ! so untrue . I have great relationships with my boys and also love their partners . I know that their partners must come first and would have it no other way but I also know that my boys are there for me if ever I need them . The youngest Dil has told me that I will be coming to live with them when I get old ! and that they will not be putting me in a home . I thought that was the sweetest thing to say considering I am only 65 . I just hope I will be in a Granny annex because I like my own space .

I am the mother of two married sons and have two lovely daughter in laws. I remember the first time we met our first daughter in laws parents. It was immediately after their engagement and her mother said "so,what does it feel like to be losing a son". (It's 13years ago and I still think it was a tactless thing to say) Before I had chance to reply, my son said "That will never happen" and my now daughter in law said "she's getting a daughter".
I have always been very careful never to step on either of their Mums toes, to a point where I sometimes back off a little to much.

"*DD and DDiL have such very different personalities* that I have equal but different relationships with both, they complement each other. DD has chosen not to marry or have children and is very independent"

I can see how that can work. But my suggestion isn't a rigid one just a general pointer, and I do think MILs are more likely to take to a DIL when there is no DD, and I would add, especially no DD with children. Another situation is where the DILs own mum is absent or dead, and the MIL becomes for her a major source of support.

When boys marry, the wife usually calls the shots. I am sue I was the same. I got on very well with my MIL but my relationship with my own mother pwas a stronger bond.

If what you want from life is that your sons are happy, then try to accept who they choose as a life partner and support them and try not to make your sons choose between you and their own family.

I am blessed with two wonderful sons who have turned out to be great dads to their children. I too am blessed with two DILs, who although they are quite different are, in my opinion, the best mums for my DGC.

I do my level best not to make life difficult my not insisting they spend Christmas with us or put us first. When they do choose to be with us that makes things even better.

Sure not Sue

I have 3 sons, and I love them dearly. None are married or even (as far as I am aware!) in a relationship so I have no experience of either DILs or being a MIL. I have good relationships with all, but I have to confess I would have loved a daughter. However that was not meant to be so "c'est la vie"!

For any of us our relationship with our children is, I think, as unique as they and we are. I'm not sure gender is the primary factor. We have two sons, very different personalities, both married with their own families. We agree, their first thought should be for their own family, this is the message they grew up with and we are so very proud of the way they are involved with their children and how they support their wives. They have enough love for us all. It has been a joy to get to know two daughters in law who are also very different characters. We help our adult children and their families and they help us as they can. If there were to be an emergency we know they will be here in an instant. I was close to my Mum and know my relationship with our sons is different, but then a relationship with a daughter could have been equally different so it hasn't been a sadness. I know some have lost touch with their adult children and there is great pain, but that isn't gender dependent. As little boys our sons were a joy, they still are as men and now they come with the benefit of their lovely wives and beautiful children. What's not to like?

Elegran, I didn't say I believed the saying to be true. Merely posted it as I have heard it quoted in these sort of discussions. I agree with cornergran that gender does not come into it but what the son/daughter is like as a person.

I am not sure you are right about wives calling the shots, Crafting. Where his parents were concerned DH always called the shots. He was an only child with parents who did everything to help him fly the nest, especially his mother. I was one of 3, with parents who were younger and healthier. I loved my DM but she had deep insecurities and there were times when I could talk more freely to my DMiL than I could with her.

And I will never forget DMiL, coming to stay when DS was only a few weeks old, under the weather and keeping me awake all night. She took one look at me, told me that DS would be spending the night in her room, with a bottle, if necessary, (I was breast feeding) and that I was to go upstairs have a hot bath and go to bed, then she came and tucked me up and kissed me goodnight as if I was still a child myself. I felt so much better after a good nights sleep.

Biscuitlover,there is absolutely no reason to think you won't get on with your DILs.you hear a lot of negativity here,but I suspect some here wouldn't get on with anybody,remember you get back what you put out. My DIL can be tricky sometimes,but I've always had a very good relationship with my son,I know he wouldn't let her go too far.Funny enough,since she's become a mother herself,we get on much better,I do most of the babysitting,and we spend a lot of time together.Enjoy your children,they will be 40 years old before you can blink an eye.

I do feel there is a certain amount of 'blaming' of MILs who do not manage to establish a good relationship with their DILS from some posters on this thread. There is also a lot of self congratulation going on when it works out, which verges into smugness.

I think it is insensitive and blinkered towards those MILs who would dearly love to have a good relationship with their DIL and have tried their best to establish one to imply that they should be judged negatively for it going wrong! Sometimes they may bear some responsibility, other times it is only down to the DIL, who after all, has far far less motive to retain the relationship than the MIL has. It is an intrinsically tricky relationship and as the many complaining posts on mumsnet that the OP speaks of show, there are clearly many many DILs who find this a relationship of duty not affection, still less love. The many conflicts of interest that arise coupled with possible personality clashes (nobody chooses their in laws) must mean that in many cases nobody is 'at fault' it simply is a relationship that would never work as friends, colleagues or neighbours, let alone family!

My adult son is very loyal to his wife, a marvellous father to his son and I have dropped a couple of places in the Love Charts. I have to be careful not to imply any criticism towards my DIL in front of him because that is the quickest way to upset him but I admire his loyalty in the face of adversity We have always been very open with one another but I have learned to be more of a diplomat; on the occasions I fail, he knows that I am more exasperated on his behalf but I wouldn't like to put it to the test too often.
I do try to foster a good relationship with my DIL and genuinely like her but it is still hard to make the relationship work on all levels.

The DIL-MIL relationship is nothing but a duty, why does that matter? A good son is sure to speak nicely to his mum.

"on the occasions I fail, he knows that I am more exasperated on his behalf but I wouldn't like to put it to the test too often".

I am sure there are many many MILs have this relationship with ASs after they settle. Think of Madame Bovary's MIL! My DS is currently single but I am fully expecting that I would have to be very careful when he marries as he is very touchy about anything he sees as interfering.

I think there could be some truth in the whole Freudian thing of the Oedipus complex going on with mothers and sons here, where the mother has to be emotionally pushed away to allow him to become a man. Mothers caring are seen as overprotective, and criticism of the DIL seems to suggest that the mother still thinks he needs her protection (from his wife!)

Yes I've never understood why is is perfectly fine for a daughter to be close to her mother or a father to his son but if you talk about a close mother son relationship then it's seen as strange and he is labelled a 'mummy's boy.'

Lots of interesting responses and lots to thinkabout. How I wish I could just enjoy the here and now instead of worrying about the future, unfortunately I'm a worrier by nature though and it's a tough habit I can break. I suppose all I can do really is try and be a good mum and hope it all works out!

Tough habit to break that should say

Oh biscuitlover don't worry so much. Love your little boys, enjoy their uniqueness as much as you can. No Mum is perfect, being a good enough Mum is more than good enough. Your boys will grow into themselves, don't listen to the doom mongers who may even be envious of you being the mother of sons. You have a good relationship with your mother in law so an excellent basis to be one yourself one day. Please don't let worry about the future spoil the present. Good wishes to you all.

Thank you cornergran I will try!