Daughter in law

Tell me I'm out of order but I think its very risky telling someone she should leave her husband unless you've been asked for your opinion.
You're not out of order annep but to tell someone to do so certainly is.

Discussing a similar situation, as M0nica has, or speaking of personal experience, is different - it is helping someone explore options.

Muffin I had a friend who had parents who stayed together for the sake of the children. They did not row. They even still shared a bed, although physical relations had ended - that was part of the problem.

I and my sister stayed with them a few times and the atmosphere was really odd. Each barely acknowledged the other partners existence. Communication was reduced to that necessary for running house and family. It was a bit like staying in a hotel. It did irreparable psychological harm to all of their children.

My sister and I both agreed that in their children's place we would rather our parents separated than lived like this couple did.

Tell me I'm out of order but I think its very risky telling someone she should leave her husband unless you've been asked for your opinion. We cannot put ourselves in her place.

The father of my Children and I split very amicably when the youngest was 15 and he handled it very well. I think how you split has a huge bearing on how the kids handle it. We dealt with the whole thing ourselves, we had no arguments about any of it and we encouraged both boys to talk to us if anything was bothering them. We're still on friendly terms today but from what Muffin has said I really don't think her Husband will behave well when the time comes so I can understand why she's putting it off.

If you " stick it out" until the child/children are 18 and split, the young people are going to be confused.

I can only go by my own experience in that my kids weren't adults at 18. They needed a fair bit of support.

Muffin. You’re going to stay in a loveless marriage for 18 years?

Why not cut your losses now and live happily without dh and his family?

Thankyou Greengal. I have learned over the years that the one thing that new parents need is positive encouragement and practical help when it is required. I have had to learn to put my own needs/opinions second, and being quite vocal, that has not always come naturally to me. On the other hand my SIL has practically moved in with her daughter and family since her GD was born. She stays overnight for 2 to 3 days every week. She goes on holidays with them as well and resents the other MIL if she so much as puts in an appearance. She voices her opinions and is critical, on all aspects of childcare/discipline, and frequently takes her GD home - a 2 hour journey- when it suits her. Her son-in-law must be either a saint, or secretly tearing his hair out. My fear is that all this will eventually cause problems in my niece's marriage. The problem is that my SIL doesn't think she is doing anything wrong. Her son in law must think he married two women at the same time. That is something I would not wish on my own son as I know he truly loves his wife and child. The key is to remember what it felt like to be a new parent oneself, even though in my case it seems like aeons ago. When I have shuffled off to a better place I would hope to be remembered with love.

What a beautiful post, Grankind!

Our son is an only child and hasgiven us one grandchild. I sympathise with you Akenside62, even though you may have been a little hasty at the start when you made the decision to adjust your life to encompass the new addition to the family, and I think some of the other comments are rather too critical. My husband and I have been the main support for my son and DIL since they got together, both financially and physically, having done lots of DIY in their home and looking after our grandson twice a week in his first year, as well as giving them the deposit on their house. They both work hard, but have found things a struggle in the last two years. We have never asked for special treatment, but the other GP'S are older than us and have three other grandchildren, so although they meet up regularly with my son's family, they don't do what we have done. When we were told that this would be our only GC we wanted to make the most of it and have formed a very close bond with him, but I am sure he loves his other granny and grandad just as much at the age of three. Although I am close to my DIL, I would never be able to take the place of her mum, and would never try. Instead I regard myself as being an extra friend, albeit a much older one. When our GS was born, our son let us know at the same time as everyone else and sent photos, which were lovely. But for some strange reason the other GP'S did not want to visit for four weeks. I couldn't wait that long as I was going abroad, so I visited them in hospital and was the first one to hold the baby apart from the parents, a memory that is very precious to me. We get on well with the other GP'S, have socialised a little with them, sharing GS birthdays etc. but not all the time. There is an acceptance on both sides that we are a melting pot of different people. That is why I strongly disagree with the maxim about losing one's son when he marries into a new family. It doesn't have to be like that. One thing I do know is that being fun and relaxed when you do see your GC will create happy memories for her as she grows up. We arranged a few days away in Wales together when our GS was a few months old, which meant I could do the cooking and take the baby out for walks while mum and dad relaxed, had some extra sleep, and it worked well. Would something like that work for you? I do hope so. But if they are still delaying your visits, I would call in with a pot meal and just say you couldn't wait to hold your GD any longer. You don't have to stay long, but make sure you arrange your next visit before you leave. Don't voice your thoughts, though it's easier said than done. I have always believed that I must honour my son's choice of partner, so if I criticise what she does that will damage the realtionship I have with my son.
Sometimes new parents aren't thinking clearly, but your time will come. Don't give up hope!!

muffin I have a feeling on another thread I advised you to ask your MIL for help at the end of your pregnancy, I take that back. Good luck

Akenside62 I hope the reason that you have not returned is because things have got better for you. At the very least I hope you have found some of this advice useful. Although some of it may seem harsh, I do believe the vast majority is well intentioned.

Becoming a grandmother for the first time is a bit of a minefield isn’t it!

My advice would be, to please try and forget the 5 hour delay in finding out about the birth. It’s not worth falling out over. It can’t be undone, and you might not know all of the circumstances. My son text me well over 3 hours after dgs was born. At the time I too was slightly irritated, but now with the benefit of time, I can completely understand. Phones are not allowed on the labour ward (at our hospital, not saying it’s true for all) DS waited until he went to get dils bag after the birth. The Midwife performed her checks on dgs & dil, and they were given time to enjoy their new baby. It also happens that dil had quite a bad tear, that required complicated stitches that the Midwife couldn’t do. They waited 90 minutes for a dr (there was only 1 doctor on the Labour and Delivery ward, and so dil had to wait) ds didn’t want to leave her, and she understandably wanted him there when the dr did come. The stitches took over 30 minutes, during which time DS was holding and enjoying his new son. I’d have felt terrible if i’d made a song and dance about the wait, only to then find out why.

Like others I’m a little confused as to whether you haven’t seen the baby at all, or just not on the set day you had hoped? If it’s just not on the day you’d hoped, I’m afraid you’re going to have to adjust your expectations. Having set days is incredibly tying for a family. But try not to worry, I visit my dgs on ad hoc days, but it’s still pretty much weekly, just whatever day works best for my ds’ family and for me.
Same advice goes for your weekly offers of help. I too was very keen to ‘take the pressure off’ with childcare, and often offered to have my dgs, but it was always politely declined (although help with ironing etc in the early days was gratefully received, and dil sent me flowers thanking me for some home cooked meals I brought round with me!) I’m ashamed now to admit that I used to think ‘just give it a few weeks, you’ll be glad of the time off’, but honestly? She took to motherhood like a duck to water. She actively encourages my relationship with him, but I’m wanted rather than ‘needed’. But then when I think back, I didn’t hand over my ds every week, I wanted to be with him.
If you haven’t seen the baby at all then that does seem cruel. I’d text or phone, and ask when would be a good time to pop in, ‘just for an hour’. Offer to bring cake, or ask if there’s anything they need.

Finally, I just wanted to say congratulations. Try not worry about these first 21 days. In the grand scheme of things it such a small amount of time.

Yes - but how would her DS know when she could come. If it was a difficult birth she may have been monitored in the birthing unit for several hours after the birth,

OP wasn't asked to be present at the birth and wasn't complaining about that.

I think you are being unreasonable to be "devastated" that DS did not call for 5 hours. Sometimes when things do not go to plan the couple has to adapt during the birth and everything else goes out of the window.

My hospital does not allow any visiting on the delivery suite unless you are a birth partner. There may not have been any room for you if things were difficult. There were so many people in my delivery room even the paediatric crash team had to wait in the corridor.

*couldn't cope

Tbh 6 hours and I was crawling the walls. I just wanted to get home. There's nothing like home!

My nan had a home birth so spent 1 week at home in her own bed!
Her grandma took over the household chores, my grandad could cope

Oh dear, poor you.

My DIL was only in for 4 hours too.
I was in for 24 hours with DC1 and couldn't get out fast enough.

'Does it work both ways?
eg
Do let the new grandparents know when the baby has been born
Do suggest a convenient time they can pop over just for half an hour to meet the new arrival.'

Yes of course it does!
Both grandparents were notified with the hour, both met them on the same day...
We did all of those and there was an argument met every single time because it wasn't good enough.
New grandparents have been there before and should remember what it feels like after having a baby. My nan was horrified that I was let out after a few hours, yet she had 1 weeks bed rest, it's a shame that some grandparents just don't give a shit.

And:
Don't forget that whatever the new rules are regarding babies, and however old-fashioned you may think your parents' ideas are - baby-rearing is not an exact science and advice from 'experts' will change again as surely as babies keep arriving in the world.

Lots of Dos and Don'ts there, Violetfloss

Does it work both ways?
eg
Do let the new grandparents know when the baby has been born
Do suggest a convenient time they can pop over just for half an hour to meet the new arrival
Don't bristle if they offer to do anything, there are nice ways of saying 'No thank you', we can manage.
Do remember that the new Grandma has been there, done that and can probably remember how she felt after the birth of her own DC.

Depends on your definition of family. And the post wasn't really about helping, complaining, ignoring DIL etc. It was simply about a grandmother feeling left out....which she was. and ok maybe she was forgotten at the time - understandably. And maybe she shouldn't have given up her job. And maybe she is too eager but people are being rude. The lady was obviously overexcited but please, give her a break!

Couldn't agree more with Muffins post.

Practical help is what is needed.
Don't make huffs cause the house isn't tidy.
Don't complain when you can't come down a certain time and day.
Then try and guilt trip your son.
And get FIL involved.
And cry.
Don't tell us how tierd we look. We know.
Don't complain the tea isn't made quick enough...
...and then there's not enough milk in it.
Ask how they are, tell her how proud you are of her even if you don't really like her, tell her she's glowing, build her up, build him up, show her kindness and consideration.
GIVE A CRAP ABOUT HER.
Hormones are crazy. She will feel like she has been knocked down by a bus.
She is not an incubater.

She will remember this and so will he. If you act poorly and selfishly they will remember. If you act with love and respect, they will remember.

So many relationships turn sour after the birth of a baby because expectations aren't met.

See this as laying down foundations. Reap what you sow.

She's just had a baby and been induced! Of course she's going to want her mum there!!

You say you gave up your job - why? Had your DS and DiL asked you to? The first we knew of our DGD being born was a call just as we were going to bed, this is what we expected.

they are a family now, it's not your family but your son's and his wife so be patient and back off!

Sorry if this sounds harsh but that's the way things are!

Muffin, I just caught up with your story and I'm stupefied to say the least! What a terrible first-time mom experience! And how awful to have your H put his mum's needs ahead of yours. In a way, that's really saying he put his relationship with her ahead of your marriage. Again, I am so sorry. I'm not really sure why you're waiting till the youngest is 18 either. Unless there's a lot of good in your marriage - enough to outweigh his favoring of his parents - IMO, you should begin to think about getting out now.

It sounds like you stayed around to have another child with him, and I can't say as I understand why.

Muffin - your advice re helping out a new mum is gold standard! You've some great mates, the cheese and biscuits were spot on!