Not relevant to babies - but the herpes virus can be spred by sexual contact.
It's a nasty thing
My four year old grandson "doesn't want me"
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No kissing my baby
(239 Posts)Hello everyone. Am I being unreasonable? I've issued a blanket rule to both my own family and my husband's:
No kissing my baby! She's 5 months old.
Here goes:
My husband's family has a tendency of getting cold sores...very rarely..BUT his sister is affected very regularly...severely! Almost every week in the winter, and every time I see them, I scheme and plot to hold my baby and NOT pass her around since I've never had an open dialogue with her or his family about it. I feel stressed, sweaty and shaky whenever she's around my baby with an outbreak because of this.
If my own sister got cold sores, I'd be free to say "Hey, please don't kiss the baby." Or "Hey...be careful she doesnt touch your mouth, okay?" ...because my baby is reaching and touching people's mouths a lot now and putting her hand in her own mouth right after. I had no idea before having a child, but swapping saliva with a young child is a cause of tooth decay and premature dental issues as well..their mouths just can't handle it.
In order to keep myself from losing my mind, I've told everyone via whatsapp message and in person not to kiss my baby. Nobody has ever kissed my baby's mouth. Ever.
My husband's sister kissed her on the forehead and had a cold sore coming the other week. I spotted the redness and when I gently questioned her, almost whispering "you aren't getting a cold sore, are you?"
She said "no...why??? " and then her hand shot up to her mouth and she jumped back..then sat down...it was obvious she'd just forgotten she was getting one at the time.... but my husband's family doesn't talk about a lot of things directly, so it's that much harder for me....
The last time I saw her, that very same redness had turned into a very big cold sore.
This situation has been stressing me out, so I took matters into my own hands as my husband in this regard is pretty useless and
I have explained to his incredulous parents that saliva can get into a baby's mucous membranes (she rubs her own face a lot and can wipe saliva into her eyes, nose and mouth from cheek kisses) even when they are asymptomatic (i.e. not showing any signs of herpes) and cause my baby to get it. At this age, it can be super detrimental to her health.
My beloved MIL said her husband doesn't get them. She flat out lied or she's cherry picking facts. He does get them. HE even said so during that very same conversation. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone where denial is better than fact.
They tried to change the subject but I stood my ground. My husband backed me up and said "Do you understand, mom? No kisses for the baby."
She reluctantly agreed to our request.
His parents had no idea (and still don't believe) that it was even contagious and say it's from stress and not a virus. They are in their 70s, so perhaps they don't know it's initiated by a virus first, and then stays in your system forever.
Anyway, I'm getting reading material on it from gov website and the hospital so they finally believe it. They encouraged me to ask the pediatrician to make sure.
I'm not sure what his sister thinks (I haven't talked to her about it because I don't want her to feel bad AT ALL! Her own 3 kids don't get it, so SHE must know it's contagious. I don't want to alienate her or anybody...just want to keep my baby safe.
My own family understands and is going along willingly. The in-laws, however are trying to say that herpes isn't contagious and that it's from stress.
They've obviously UNknowingly infected their own children when they were young, as their adult kids have had cold sores since childhood (my husband says so). I don't want them infecting my child out of ignorance.
When I decided to finally bring it up to his parents, I made up a phantom friend who almost lost her child to meningitis brought on by herpes because I knew they'd be incredulous. They told me "no..not herpes! Herpes can't do that." I said very pointedly that it can cause blindness in babies, meningitis and encephalitis. I know that these are rare complications, but my child is STILL very vulnerable.
So I have said NO kisses for baby! They've reluctantly agreed, but I feel like the bad guy.
For the record: I do not have HSV1, but I kiss my baby on the head or anywhere else she can't transfer the saliva into her mouth (rarely do I kiss her face, but I'm extravagantly affectionate in other ways). My husband is well aware of the risks, and does the same. Am I being unreasonable?
Thank you.
Your baby, your rules, surely?
@Welbeck as well as John Snow, Semmelweiss suffered too when he tried to get his colleagues to wash after being at autopsies before seeing women giving birth, the death rate was horrendous, but in wards where no doctors were present the death rate from childbed fever was minimal. He worked out what was causing it but was mocked and women continued to die. He's always been a hero of mine - 'Despite various publications of results where hand washing reduced mortality to below 1%, Semmelweis's observations conflicted with the established scientific and medical opinions of the time and his ideas were rejected by the medical community. Semmelweis could offer no acceptable scientific explanation for his findings, and some doctors were offended at the suggestion that they should wash their hands and mocked him for it. In 1865, the increasingly outspoken Semmelweis supposedly suffered a nervous breakdown and was treacherously committed to an asylum by his colleague'
I'm still reading these responses. Thank you, everyone. I'm not a passive person, but the in-laws are super nice and don't mean any harm...their real fault is that they seek their own happiness from their adult children and grandchildren and it's a bit unhealthy. I've told them that their grandkids are not an excuse to not live their own lives, but I haven't got it all figured out so why should I judge them? Perhaps I'll be the same in 40 years!
I will continue to stay on message IF needed...but I hopefully won't have to reiterate my point. When my daughter gets a bit older I'll allow kisses on the top of the head. For now: NO KISSING my baby! Again, thank you! I'll learn more about asserting myself.
Hi Naty,
I’m a MIL 4 times over my three DILs and one SIL, are all different in the way we get on together But, I don’t see why you felt you had to give a false story to get the point across.
(I say what I mean, but mean what I say) I’ve always lived by that saying and brought my children up to do the same. No one has to make up stories to get the point across that way. We talk things through, no one gets nasty or uppity if I thought anything that we’ve talked about wasn’t right I google it and see the facts for myself. my grandchildren are very precious but if my DILs asked that the children weren’t to be kissed if we had a cold sore. We would respect that and not-kiss them.
But I would Hate it if I was referred to as preloved and incredulous. Enjoy you baby daughter Naty good luck and a happy new year to you
I was asked not to kiss my 2 dgds by my Dil. End of. I didn’t. Nothing to do with cold sores or anything else, she just didn’t want me to, so I didn’t. I still only kiss them on the forehead now they are 6 and 4 yrs old.
I think they should respect your wishes, without you having to do so much research and explanation.
I hope they’ve got the message by now.
Perhaps a bit like Harry and Meghan ...
you can do exactly as you want and wish, as long as you don't depend on them.
Friends help with looking after GS, and they are given a long list of things to adhere to, both does and don'ts - and are quizzed and questionned on adherence like the gestapo- and now the child is old enough to speak, the parents question the child about the 'behaviour' of GPs.
Sounds a bit over the top jura.
I love how you ladies tell people that they are over the top. It's funny
. We don't use it that much in Canada.
It just means an exaggerated response Naty.
Of course every grandparent who does childcare for their grandchildren expects to, and should, totally respect the way the parents are bringing their child up. So for example, if the parents say no sweets, then so be it, the grandparents don’t give sweets. But in the example given by Jura, lists of dos and donts and being quizzed by the parents on compliance like the gestapo, well that sounds a bit over the top, or it’s an exaggerated response.
My grandson was infected as a new born by the cold sore virus, we never knew how or who infected him. At the age of three days he was blue lighted to Birmingham Children's hospital, and put on life support as the virus was invading all his vital organs, he remained on life support for three months and then on the liver transplant list for two years. he is now a thriving 7 year old, but his liver is still compromised and he has blood tests, gastroscopies and a liver biopsy every two years and will do for the foreseeable future. Please please do not go near a baby if you have a cold sore.
Pippa000,
So sorry!
Pippa000, Oh what a terrible thing to happen to your grandson and your family.
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