Feeling upset by text messages

Perhaps your expectations are too high or you have more free time than those you communicate with? I experience the same but it doesn't bother me too much unless I require a fact confirmation (such as a date or time). I'm aware I have more time on my hands than many who seem to be so busy nowadays. I think maybe the texting system in itself has encouraged us to believe in instant response. Contrary to what we see around us, we're not all physically joined to our mobiles (thank goodness!).

I fully understand your distress. A bereavement is always a major upset in anyone's life. Unfortunately, people are casual about text messages. Sometimes it seems like people have lost contact with reality and this is a sad reality for you. Casual reading, whatever the text message and not bothering to reply seems quite common. Please accept my condolences for your loss. Of course, once upon a time, we all wrote a letter of condolence or, at the very least, sent a card once we heard the sad news. Sadly, it doesn't happen much any more.

I m really sorry you are having an upsetting time losing a loved one

I think texting about a bereavement that means a lot to you is a bit of a casual way to do it Now that’s not a comment against you but I find texting very hit and miss some people read them and think I ll do that later and forget I always answer texts straight back but not everyone does I have a very very dear friend and we have a lovely friendship but she’s absolute rubbish at answering back I get an answer about a week later if I m lucky but I know she would drop everything to help me if I needed her
Although I use texting a lot if I was upset over something I would use the phone itself
Take care and don’t lose hope just don’t text about important things

I think there is quite a difference between close friends and those not so close. They are often not so close for a reason.
Having said that, and assuming this particular friend isnt adverse to texting, it was rude of her I think.
I wouldnt cut her off though for one non reply. She may have her own reasons going on for not replying, possibly.

It’s not just you, Palmtree. People have so many ways to send & receive messages now, and can often forget. I wonder whether the bereavement one was a case of the person not knowing what or how to reply, leaving it until they had more time to think, then forgetting, then feeling bad that they’d forgotten etc etc

you are over thinking it. was the family bereavement in immediate family or extended family..

my condolences to you.

If we stop and look through the eyes of other people, those things that are of great importance to us may not be to other people. A friend had a go at me last week for not replying instantly to her text. I keep my phone on silent and was having my lunch at the time. I only picked the message up later. Not acknowledge a bereavement is thoughtless, but there again if the person who passed away was well known to your friend, perhaps a telephone call would have been more appropriate. I would never text that someone had died and only use texting for immediate & short messages which don't contain emotional content. We are all different and we all have different levels of expectation. Why not try to focus more on your own interests and activities and try not to let yourself be too influenced by other people's responses. They too have there 'worlds' and perhaps are going through unseen difficulties, especially in later life.

If I hear a text come through and I’m doing something I’ll think: it’s not important, I’ll look at it later, then forget.
I wouldn’t get upset about sending a text that someone didn’t answer.

No it wouldn’t and doesn’t worry me. I do it myself quite often though I usually reply eventually if it is a friend. A bereavement is different,though and that I would acknowledge asap.

I find people who jump on every text to be very rude. If I am in company I ignore texts until I am alone, or at least until there is a break in the conversation. I often have my phone on silent too - eg if I am out for dinner or in the cinema/theatre, and I sometimes forget to turn it back on.

As others have said, text is an unusual medium by which to send news of a death. Maybe the person didn’t realise how close the deceased was to you?

Having said that, ‘leaving on read’ is also rude. Texting has a whole new set of rules of etiquette, and people don’t always abide by the same ones. My husband (and son for that matter) often don’t reply, so I’m never sure if they have registered the message. I now phrase texts to them as questions so they tend to reply. So ‘are you able to get some bread on your way home?’ rather than ‘please get some bread’ is more likely to get a response.

One thing I like about texting, rather than phoning, is that you have time to think before replying, and perhaps look something up. So often after a phone call I think of something else I meant to say, but forgot.
You also know they can reply when convenient, rather than getting called away from a meal etc

We have text messages, voicemail, Whatsapp, Messenger, and PM systems on various SM platforms. Not to mention 'phone calls on both mobiles and landline (I still have mine).

... all demanding our attention during various points in the day. It's too much IMO - an overload.

I have told all my friends and family that - unless it's an urgent matter - I will respond when I have the time and they understand.

Sometimes, it's also having the inclination. I think we've all had messages and mails that are 'chatty' in nature where the things that are said would be acknowledged with a nod or a smile in physical conversation, but for which we have to find suitable words to 'appreciate' in a message. For me, late night is when I have the time to focus on such messages, and I'm often too fatigued for it. In reply to long messages which have outlined the minutiae of a friend's day (or week!)... I simply want to message back, "nice to hear from you" but feel compelled to reply to each bit of 'chat'. And that is often tedious.

Texting is our family’s main mode of communication. We have a family WhatsApp group and all news, titbits etc are via the app. It’s more convenient. Although I have plenty of time on my hands, the rest are busy with work / young families and I don’t like to intrude.

also remember that txt's don't always get through. Better to check first before assuming that your friend is ignoring you..

Thank you so much for your messages of condolence (for a much loved family member but not immediate family) and also your valuable insights in how others deal with text messages. I hadn't really realised how differently we all think of and deal with all the various types of messages we receive .I now realise I am probably overthinking at the moment and have too much time on my hands which is making me feel upset unnecessarily. I am a bit old school and always send a card and usually a letter too if anyone I am acquainted with suffers a family bereavement, but just even telling someone of a bereavement by text shows how much times have changed I guess. I'm sure this friend has a lot going on in her life too and may not have realised how sad I was feeling at the time. Thank you everyone for your replies

You are sensitive at the moment for good reason so I wouldn’t take it to heart 💐. Everyone deals with a bereavement differently some find it hard to respond others easily find words of comfort.
However regarding text in general we communicate mostly by WhatsApp for family and friends. It’s convenient if you are busy you can respond when you feel like. If my family are working I know they will respond later when they can.
Some acquaintances have not replied to texts I have sent and my best wishes text at Christmas so that simply means I won’t bother again.
Some people are soo! busy they just send an emoji I think it’s rude if it’s someone supposedly close.

As others have said, text is an unusual medium by which to send news of a death. Maybe the person didn’t realise how close the deceased was to you?

I agree with this.

Sending news of a bereavement by text does seem rather casual. Perhaps a phone call would be more personal and they may have responded with a condolence card.
Perhaps the person hasn't even looked at the text yet? I recently found a message from someone from a week or so ago. It wasn't that important thank goodness.

We tend to use WhatsApp with friends and family, texts seem to be for appointments and business.

I am sorry for your loss

Maybe your friend was going to reply with a phone call later and never got around to it, then felt she had left it too long to reply. I am only saying that as I have done the same.

Some texts I reply to fairly quickly if circumstances allow, but for the long ones which I know will be a text conversation I leave until I have time and am not in company.

If I have sent texts with no reply I would assume that the person does not wish to have contact with me and that's fine, I would not force myself on somebody.

Perhaps your friend, like me, is not a ‘phone person’. I am very guilty of not answering text messages for the simple reason I cannot be bothered to look at my phone, I only do so a couple of times a day, often forget where it is or to charge it. Yes I am odd but why do we need to be in constant communication? I find it strange that my son and his partner will message each other with something as trivial as asking each other if they want a coffee! What is wrong with yelling upstairs in my fashion?
If I had been told of a bereavement by text, I do not think I would have wanted to reply in that way as I would want a more personal response than what to me would seem a cold short message. Text messages are too instant for such an ocasion.

I often wonder what my father would make of life today. He always answered the phone with ‘what do you want?’ because phones were for urgent communications not for chatting.

Before all these gadgets and apps we relied on traditional landline telephones, letters, or simply word of mouth to pass on news like a bereavement or birth of a new baby etc.
Did we fret about not seeing that good friend from school for so long? Probably not. Did we greet them enthusiastically if we bumped into them in town saying how lovely it was to see them? Probably so.
I think SM, texting, messaging, WhatsApp,and whatever else we all use has turned some us a tad over sensitive when we don't get a response from someone. It isn't always possible to know is a message has been opened and quite often they just don't get delivered either.
Palmtree, I am sorry for you loss but do put aside your feelings regarding the non-response to your announcement - focus on yourself and those around you, they are the ones that matter.

As I have 3 computers all with "proper" keyboards I find texting a pretty silly and tedious way to communicate at the best of times and have never got into it. I have people whom I know are not really into online communications and when I email them I dont really expect a reply although I know they got the information.

Maybe Im so used to communicating with Americans and getting one word replies because thats the way they do things. Not meaning to be curt, just businesslike.

I am very guilty of not answering text messages for the simple reason I cannot be bothered to look at my phone, I only do so a couple of times a day, often forget where it is or to charge it.

Yes this is me! I hate smart-phones and mine is smart enough to stay out of the way! I check it about once a week and life still goes on.

My husband found out from a Facebook post that his cousin in law had died suddenly. Having seen him only a few months before he was mortified to find out like that especially since immediate family had his contact details . It's a funny old world sometimes . Needless to say he was in touch with the family immediately.

biglouis

As I have 3 computers all with "proper" keyboards I find texting a pretty silly and tedious way to communicate at the best of times and have never got into it. I have people whom I know are not really into online communications and when I email them I dont really expect a reply although I know they got the information.

Maybe Im so used to communicating with Americans and getting one word replies because thats the way they do things. Not meaning to be curt, just businesslike.

Interesting what you say about Americans and one word replies. I was chatting to a German lady once who worked in London and she said the hardest thing she found with working in a British office was all the polite phrases attached to emails i.e. Thank you for your email. I hope you are well and ends with Look forward to hearing from you soon. Apparently, in Germany they just get to the point.