Trying not to resent caring for constantly sick husband

Oh Grannybuy, I'm so sad to hear your story

Luckygirl, I had the same - DH calling 111 because he had sore legs ( ongoing, and the bane of our lives ). I told him that it wasn't an emergency, and that they would only tell him to keep taking the painkillers. Which they did! Another time, I called 111 as he would not respond to anything, including very loud noises and pin pricks to his skin. He only roused when the paramedics took off the ECG sticky pads from his chest! They took him to A and E, but I had to
Pick him up late at night as they didn't find anything medically wrong. Before we had left the building, he said that he'd kick my a---e when we got home!! I replied that we wouldn't leave the building until he accepted responsibility for being there. He grudgingly gave in. When I questioned him the next day, he said that he had been practising being in a trance!! I know how bizarre you must be finding life too.

Thank you Brigidsdaughter x

Siela, no you are not being unreasonable in being fed up of having to cope with other folks eternal illnesses. My first husband had MS, a pretty horrible disease that would come and go, he had the relapsing/remitting form of it, but each relapse left him that little bit more disabled and so on. Now, not to sound unsympathetic or anything, but I always had to be the ‘strong’ one, which was fair enough, but..............if god forbid, I ever felt poorly, forget it. If I had a really sore back after doing the gardening for instance, his back would be sorer, if I had a pounding headache, his would be pounding harder and so on. Just for once, it would have been nice for someone to acknowledge that I was ill and was allowed to feel sorry for myself. Even my youngest daughter would only allow me one day of sympathy, then I should be able to ‘bounce’ back. But she was only behaving like she could see was the ‘norm’ in our house I suppose.

So, hell yeh, moan, groan, shout and swear, cry, do whatever you feel like you need to do. You are just as important as everyone else in your family. Take care xx

Oh Sielha ....I could have written your post! Except for 1 detail... I've been caring for my husband as well as working for 22 years!!! He sits for 15/17 hours a day watching t.v. won't keep doctors or hospital appointments.... won't go for blood tests.... he's now going deaf and won't get a hearing aid.... hasn't seen an optician to get new glasses (25 years)....ignores every suggestion I make to make his OR indeed my life easier. I don't drive, but look after my grandkids for two days a week ...they keep me reasonably sane!! He is a law unto himself. I deliver up all his needs and he accepts them ( ungraciously I might add). He goes through almost 12 monthly 'obsessions' like preferring one food to another... Like having to go to the loo as soon as I mention he might like to put the next load of washing in or some such !! I have lived a waking night,are for 22 years in the hope that he will finially 'wake up' to what's he's doing/done to us but I now know it's in vain!! NOTHING works on him blackmail ..bribery.. Threatening to leave... calling ambulance...nothing works. He just shrigs ans stays sitting in the chair!! Please..please..please..... get out of this and go our own way! He will not change. He doesn't like or love you enough to make it worth his while!! Sorry to be so blunt but I'm speaking to you fron 22 long years of misery. RUN!

Join a carers support group in your area they are INVALUABLE.it was not a rant no it was a cry for help....please go get it for yr own sanity.

Being a carer is tough but you do need to arrange some respite. Haven't you got anyone who will look after your husband for a few hours a week?

I guess I jumped in late, but I know full well how it feels to have a loved one who is incapacitated by a serious illness, The journey is fraught with unbelievable stress, sleep deprivation and anguish. It is both physically demanding and emotionally draining.

So, never feel guilty whenever you reach your tether. It can happen many times....I know.

Many here have also given you excellent advice. I can only leave you with this small bit of wisdom....... you can continue to be supportive of your H as well as your family, but the longer you put your own needs aside, the less effective you become.

I do hope things get easier for you.
Healing hug going your way.

Sorry you are feeling overwhelmed with your caring role.I suggest you contact Carers organisation who have many branches and exist to support the Carers .They provide excellent support Sielha.

Seilha,you are doing a wonderful job, and you need to get this off your chest and Gransnet is here for you.I hope we have helped you a little.
Sending hugs and some virtual flowers.

I'm a carer, and it's just sometimes good to switch off mentally to give yourself a bit of space. My husband loves to talk and give instructions but hates to listen, though he is a dear! Try taking some time out for yourself each day, and see friends if possible. I'm not really up to hobbies yet, but seeing friends and family is a treat, and taking time out to read last thing in the day is great if I'm not too tired. I do have an allotment as an escape which is lovely in the summer. But I find I really need to shake off the daily invalid whinging I get, which can be a little exasperating!

I took Early Retirement at 50, DH had retired at 65 but he had periods of depression. We had some good times but others when he sank into depression when all he wanted to do was sleep. The hardest to cope with was personal hygiene & changing his clothes. I used to escape into the garden or go shopping. We moved (downsized to a new area) which he found difficult to cope with at times. He was admitted to Hospital finally, firstly diagnosed with Pneumonia then Terminal Lung Cancer, he moved to a Nursing, I could not have cared for him at home, sadly I was widowed at 57.

I had support from good friends & DD but the strain of caring for him fell to me, I wish I'd found a Carer's group.

My advice is seek out help from Carer's group if there is one locally, try to take time out for yourself, you are no good to your DH if you're "running on empty"

I wish I'd known about GN for support, just "having a rant" or writing down how you feel helps. Sending good wishes &

I would agree with all those who say take a little time for yourself here and there, find a regular hobby or interest, anything you enjoy or can just cut-off and/or concentrate on - it is so important for you to look after yourself - this in turn will benefit your husband. Resentment is a very human emotion so no need to feel bad for having feelings. I cared for my nan towards the end of her life and struggled as her dementia meant she rarely knew who I was, would say hurtful things or be uncommunicative etc - caring is damn hard work, physically and emotionally. So often carers get the arse-end of everything, yet without them relationships and the social structure would suffer further. Child carers are overlooked and under-supported. My partner has spent long periods caring for me and admits to having gone through the whole range of emotions from guilt, anger, resentment, fear, frustration, loneliness, helplessness, right through to love and hope with a dash of positivity etc. I know he loves me and would never begrudge him taking time out - he needs it - even a short break, like escaping to his shed for an hour. Who cares for the carers? So many on Gransnet will relate to your situation and it can be therapeutic and comforting to talk to 'stranger-friends', so feel free to rant and to accept some moral support

I feel very deeply for those of you who are caught in the caring role when you are still relatively young.
My H has dementia and recently suffered a stroke which has left him with further brain damage.
He is very hard work and as I am now 81 I struggle to cope.
He is incontinent and that is another thing hard to deal with.

I get one day a week when he goes to daycare, that costs £60 plus £16 taxi fares.
I get 6 weeks respite care which I am fortunate to get via SS for £150 a week.
I am totally trapped the rest of the time as he can't be left at all as he is a falls risk.
Two weeks ago he fell 4 times in 8 days.
My main worry is, what happens to him when anything happens to me.
He is actually in better health than I am.

What a lovely lot of posters you are.
I am sure that Seilha fells better for having shared her problem having received such supportive advice.
A friend and neighbour of mine is 96 years old and is the primary Carer for her 83 year old sister who has schizophrenia .
Sometimes she tells me she just wants to scream.
The one thing that seems to help her is that she has a sense of humour and can have me in fits.
By golly does she need it

What I am unable to understand is -Why are so many more elderly people suffering from dementia?
Many people say it is because we are living longer but I know of people in their 50s who have dementia yet when I was growing up my grandfather and his seven siblings were all alive and lived until they were in their 90s.
A friend suggested that it might be because so many people are taking too many pills which often react against one another.
I haven't been any help Sielha but my thoughts are with you and others who are in a similar position to you.

Lorelei ,you mention young Carers.
Some years ago I saw a programme where a blind couple had I think five or six children.
The two eldest were girls and the others were boys.
The two girls -below the age of 15 -looked after both the parents and the little boys one was a baby.
It was a heart rending story
One day a month I think it was ,they were able to have a day away from home.
I often wonder how things worked out for them.
Does anyone else remember seeing the programme?

Who cares for the carer? That's what you are. Get in touch with your local social services for adults and ask for a referral for you as a carer and your husband (if he will have one) too, to see what support you can get. Our local services also give grants for the carer to have some quality time out. Find out whats available and start looking after you too

I am now going to let my guard down and admit to something that I don't usually do.
Do any of you drink more than you know is good for you to cope with your situation.
I will admit that I do.
After a trying day I will have a G&T before my evening meal and then when I have got my H in bed, usually around 8:15pm I will have a whiskey or a brandy, probably a large one. I know it is not a solution, just a relaxant.

I am also a carer - to my 20 year old son who has severe learning difficulties and yes, I am beginning to feel some strain (I'm 60 now). It's ok to have the feelings you mention - you too are human and a person in your own right. Don't feel guilty - rant away!

DH and I have good health, a great social worker and our son attends college four days a week, so our 'respite' are those days he's there enjoying college life.

It was only recently our council got in touch to ask about us as carers, but really couldn't offer any practical help, so I don't really know what the point of that was.

Even when there is help, it's still down to you to carry on. Do get in touch with social services and ask for a visit when you can discuss the difficulties you face. Also, there are some benefits you can claim (e.g. attendance allowance, if you qualify) which could help with some of the expenses.

Keep writing on here too - we're here to help just by reading and will try to support you as much as we can. Take care lovely girl xx

You are all so lovely and I have read all of your stories too. There are a lot of us out there, perhaps more than I realised. Big hugs to all of you xx

Sometimes you just need to let off steam! I know how it can get you down though,myself&two youngest children(19&15)all have various medical conditions and its me who administers all medications/makes appts/accompanies to appts etc.Its all my youngest child has ever known,both boys were very premature- but i always put their health&appts first before mine,and sometimes yes it gets a bit wearing.But then i think that it must be worse for them and that im so grateful its not much worse,im lucky to have them here,and it puts things in perspective somehow.

People think they are far more stealth than they really are.

But snidey judgements show on their faces.

Does being glared at smugly make people better parents? Or does it further deplete their reserves making them even less up to playing peekaboo for the 735th time that day? Do you think?

Sorry wrong thread

Yes i agree seilha-1 yr old is a liitle young to be worried about the baby being on the ASD spectrum- perhaps your daughter could have a word with her health visitor or gp if shes at all worried but all children meet milestones at different ages so theyl assure her if everything looks fine.

And saggi?your hubby does sound like he needs help from gp- a lot of what you mention are often symptoms of depression or mental health,even autistic spectrum issues,not wanting to go anywhere/do anything/food obsession issues,"nothing working even threats to leave/ calling ambulance" etc(asd isnt just for kids&can be diagnosed later in life)please seek your husband some help instead of just being resentful.