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Husband with cancer taking it out on me

(82 Posts)
bobbydog24 Fri 28-Jun-19 10:22:33

My husband was diagnosed 3 years ago with secondary spinal cancer the primary being thyroid. He has had operations and radiotherapy since and after the initial shock and periodically venting his anger verbally on me he was able to live with the knowledge his illness was terminal.
Fast forward to now and after falling twice it appeared he had a pathological fracture of his upper left arm caused by the crumbling bones. He has had this sorted with a plate and rods and has to wear a sling all of the time. Also since his returned from his stay from hospital he has become incontinent. The reason for this doctors are not sure but he has to wear padded pull ups during the day and a big pad at night.
He has a member of a reliability team come in each morning to teach him how to wash himself and stay mobile. The rest of the time I do everything for him. I appreciate he has a lot to contend with but he is so offhand and bossy. Everything I do is wrong, he has me up and down for things he wants and constantly and if I am in another room he shouts me to do things he could quite easily do himself. If I object it results into a slanging match.
When lady comes to help him he's so polite and friendly, thanking them for all their support, all I get is criticism and nasty comments. He could not function without my help yet it's as if he resents me. We had a huge row last night where I came away feeling guilty and frustrated because I know nothing will change because he doesn't think he's being unreasonable. Is this going to be my existence until one of us pops their clogs. At this rate I'm hoping it's me first. I'm not depressed before anyone asks just totally sick of a husband who is an ungrateful, unfeeling man.

Callistemon Sun 30-Jun-19 14:48:06

I am wondering also what medication he is on bobbydog. I understand that he has always been abrupt and, for want of a better word, bossy?
A friend of ours is the sweetest man and our DD is very fond of him, but he made a couple of remarks to her when she saw him last which upset her; I said to her that I thought it was the morphine speaking and not him.

You should be able to pick up replies by clicking on 'inbox' (top of the page on the desktop site, not sure about the mobile site) and then you will be able to click on your inbox and sent mail.

Perhaps you should try to practise what men do ie selective hearing, put on the radio and try to tune into that and out of the incessant demands once you know that he is comfortable and settled.

annep1 Sun 30-Jun-19 19:04:52

I do sympathise. I feel so sorry for you and your husband. You do need to look after yourself though and have some "me" time in order to cope when he is being unpleasant and tell yourself it's the illness not him.

Teddy111 Sun 30-Jun-19 20:52:26

Thank you,Tillybelle. After telling the specialist nurses that his cancer of the lung was terminal and then spread,one lady arrived.Wrote down his medication for his heart,diabetes,cancer,stood up,shook hands and said 'I will discharge you from my caseload,call us if there is anything you want,it might not be me because I am three days at uni'. All the expensive adverts on TV,of You are not alone,caring,sharing,listening,supporting. Shocked.

bobbydog24 Fri 13-Sep-19 19:00:08

After posting my grumbles in June about my husband's terminal cancer, he passed away 2 weeks ago and I have this overwhelming feeling of guilt. I'd do anything to have him back giving me a hard time. I miss him so much. His passing was not peaceful and my daughter and I stayed with him until the end. The pain I feel is unbearable at times. I can't believe after 51 years together I am on my own and will never see him again.

MissAdventure Fri 13-Sep-19 19:16:50

I'm so sorry to hear your news, bobbydog.

Its still very early days for you, but when you've lost a loved one, even years feel like early days.

I'm sure you have nothing to feel guilty about; its a known stage of the grieving process to feel guilty though.

Again, my condolences to you.
flowers

Niobe Fri 13-Sep-19 19:50:39

My condolences to you bobbydog.flowers

Please be kind to yourself now, you have nothing to feel guilty about. His time had come and you must think of it as a release for him and give yourself time to grieve for the man you spent a lifetime with.