Not allowed to give childcare

If she wont have a talk with him all she can do is be crafty and sit down to work at what is her proper time- and not rush to see to kids when they need it but to say "go ask daddy" or "go to daddy for it" every time they want something etc., and when he's disturbed from HIS work for everything, or they run around making a racket, then I'm sure he will think again! Same if there's any schooling to be done- put him down to go online or whatever it is they do- and stick to it!He will soon see they DO need it! Why should HIS work take precedence in 2021! Is he living in the 1950's?! ?

OCD or 'old' upbringing or not- he SHOULD pull his weight- and he needs to discuss with his employers if he has been given 'too much, too soon' on the job front! And you're all not helping by harping on "his job is VERY important" and "very pressured" etc you are just re-enforcing his idea that his job is much more 'important' than hers-(NOT a good impression to give to his kids) and if he is pressured in his job- and needed help from his wife to complete some of his work as well, then its he who needs to step down from his job,not her..i just hope his 'very important job' doesn't involve making life- changing or life- preserving/saving decisions, or it may be someone Else who suffers for him, as he doesn't sound able to cope with his job at all.??

Harsh Nannan2
Without going into details about his line of work I cannot explain why his wife is involved---purely since the whole Covid thing happened , and ths pressure he is under is due to others problems.
When I said that he had been promoted too early, it isn't that he's not capable, just that the amount of work is much greatesr and Covid has thrown up a totally different way of working.
No outside persons are put in danger or adversly affected by the pressures of his work, quite the opposite

lincolnimp - as a psychotherapist I know that during this pandemic when two professionals have been working at home with young children, the position of the woman/mother has almost always been downgraded in the eyes of the man/father. It's the man who gets the quiet room to work in and whose time is preserved for work while somehow or other the working wife has to operate from the dining room table which she is sharing with the children and possibly having to home school them as well. So, from the point of view of equality, nobody should be tip-toeing around your SIL and allowing them to dictate what childcare his wife - and it will be his wife and not him - needs. If your daughter really needs your help you should be standing by her and giving it on a properly organised basis making sure that you protect yourself.

Sil has been doing half the childcare from the start.Now that the schools are off it has become more difficult as he has now been offered 3 days working away which he can't refuse financially.
D is also now expected to go into work occasionally at short notice. They solved this by getting a lady to come in and supervise children on these days.

While it may be "allowed" by the written rules, it is very sensible and responsible not to use that allowance unless it is essential to do so. Well done for the way you brought up your daughter, and her choice of partner!

This is about power and control and fortunately has nothing to do with you. Lay low so you don't get dragged into a triangulation and are banned forever. Trust me, it happens. Lay low, say nothing.

Tricia1951 was spot on when she said:

'I have to say that I feel many people are using these’ bubbles’ as an excuse to just keep seeing grandchildren rather than providing essential childcare!'

And how on Earth will people live with themselves when these arrangements cause the death of a grandparent?

ReadyMeals please expand I am longing to hear what you mean

ReadyMeals have just reread and understand

He sounds a bit controlling to me - is everything done the way he wants?

A very sensible and honest comment!

Daftapath

A very sensible and honest comment!

lincolnimp how bad is sil’s OCD? If it’s verging on phobia it could explain his behaviour. It is not rational or logical so you cannot apply these. It could also make him more controlling as he avoids any triggers. Dd may not have told you the full extent. If so it is not down to you. All you can do is offer support but don’t push it and be there for dd if she needs to talk.
I speak from personal experience so I understand how phobias impact. There is help out there these days if the sufferer will admit and take it but often they have coping mechanisms which they cling to. I may be wrong in your case but I just wanted to give you another perspective.

25Avalon
Thank you.
I think that it may well be a coping mechanism.
He also has a stammer, which he has to work very hard to overcome, especially as he has to speak in public, and on the phone.
Despite what many people have assumed, I have no intention of interfering.
Thank you for your insight

UPDATE
The GC are finding this lockdown tough, and SIL has , with his wife, asked if we will give child care as and when necessary.
That suits me fine

Lincolnimp Pleased the quiet approach has worked. Take care.

Thanks for updating Lincolnimp.
At least you know now they will call if things get too tough.