Son

Anya is accurate in what she said, but there is a big difference between a physical separation that reduces contact and having the contact completely severed as a result of the son's reactions when he is told about the move.

If you call cutting through all the flack and emotions to get at the root of a problem 'obtuse' Madgran no wonder you have issues yourself. It doesn't solve a problem if everyone jumps in with hugs and encourages the person with the problem to see themseives as a victim.

Indeed that only makes the situation worse more often than not.

However you have tried to deflect the attention away from the OP and her problem and onto yourself. So it's a good idea if you do leave this thread and find one where you can get the attention you obviously crave..

Anya, I agree with your original post. However.........................your last post is a bit naughty.

Er what issues?

Well, you obviously have a death wish There are places lots of posters fear to tread!

Anya Good heavens you clearly see everything, including my posts and your own, in a very "different way" to me and perhaps other posters. I note Jayannas comment and read between the lines as I am pretty new to Gransnet.

I do not think your original post "cut through the emotions and flack"; nor do I think it even vaguely got to the "root of the problem"!! I think it was an irrelevant point probably made to create exactly what has happened by me responding to it!!!

However I am not willing to turn this thread into an ego fest of one-upmanship between us as that is not helpful to anyone, least of all the OP.

If it satisfies you to reply and "have the last word" in whatever tone you choose then so be it

TrishaJ I apologise that my original comment unfortunately detracted the thread from your genuine request for constructive help and advice.

As your son has been willing to let you look after your GC for quite a long time then it does seem that the move has triggered whatever he is feeling now. His comments seem oddly extreme within the context of babysitting and holidays together! If you look back over that time with real honesty, I wonder if you can identify unspoken tensions, irritations, walking on eggshells type stuff that was maybe ignored, swept aside, swept under the carpet, but which have come to the fore in his mind due to this move.

|The other possibility is that all of his comments were made in real anger that you had moved away and were irrational but now said, have to be dealt with

As you are afraid of more abuse. I would write/email very unemotionally saying that you are unclear what he means but are happy to listen and discuss; that , even if you have made mistakes from his perspective, you love them all very much and would hope that any problems can be sorted; that you hope that very soon you can all enjoy the pleasures of Devon together as a family. Tell him that you really hope to hear from him very soon to arrange to meet and discuss the issues, repeat that you are happy to listen and try to understand.

If and when you do meet, I would let him say all he wants to say without interruption (otherwise it is more likely to just turn into an argument). When he has finished, you either reply to the points with your own perspective or if unable to do that you tell him you need time to think over his points and would like to chat again ...and arrange another time when he listens to you without interruption

This all sounds pretty convoluted but might help to take some of the emotion out and get to the root of the issues as he perceives them.

This is hard and sad for you and I hope that you can get it sorted

Monica Exactly!

Ladies or some of you !

Chill your beans !

My beans are chilled! Or at least my wine is! But it never was unchilled! However I stand by my apology and my comments to the OP who deserves constructive advice.

The "root of the problem" is probably that he feels abandoned. There are psychological issues as to why this is, as MOnica said. These need to be examined.

I know a few families where the older members have moved deep into the West Country. My first thought when I read Trisha's post was that a caring son would find that worrying if he is looking to the future. Many older people eventually need help/frequent visiting/hospital stays and so on and, in addition to feeling that he is losing his mother, that may be a factor. Having had to spend many years juggling long distance care for my mother with working and keeping an eye on theee teenagers I know only too well how difficult that is.
Cutting himself off from his mum does sound also as though some deep hurt has surfaced and that may be difficult to fathom. I wouldn't assume that it is no more than resenting the removal of childcare.
He needs to realise that you brought him up doing what was right for you both at the time and that his angry messages need clarification or they are deeply unfair.
I do hope that he will come to terms with your right to spend your life in a place that makes you happy.
Good luck and patience.

TrishaJ I am sorry this rift has occurred but for any 'advice' to be helpful it is useful to know if
-you were still providing regular childcare that the family relied on for work
-you saw each other, as a happy family, regularly for outings/ meals together etc.
-how involved your DS and family were in discussions/arrangements re your relocation
Depending on the answers to the above questions my response might range from: "you were thoughtless and foolish" to "your son is selfish and immature!"

Perhaps you could reflect on your son's friendships/relationships with other people in the past and see if abandonment was an issue with them. As somebody else says, you moving away may have opened up issues about your divorce that he has never needed to address before. Whilst these are his problems and you shouldn't be a verbal punch bag, it is obviously something that really hurts him so if you want to regain a relationship, you are going to need to listen to how he feels and respond to that. It doesn't mean you have to apologise for every little thing he brings up that damns you as a parent but it does mean that you have to accept he feels that way. Just a "Sorry, I didn't realise you felt like that," rather than refuting his feelings may go some way to making him feel like you are talking on board what he is saying.
He may also feel like you are "abandoning" his children which will go very deep. Was it your husband who wanted to move? His resentment towards your husband may be because he sees him as "taking you away." I would ask him if he felt that you were a terrible mother before you started talking about moving. Perhaps you could ask him to write down his feelings using honesty but without trying to be hurtful so you can try to get to grips with why he feels the way he does. Also, he needs to tell you what he needs for you to put things right. His answer may well surprise you. Perhaps if he can do that, you can reflect on what he has said and you can put things on paper from your perspective.
If you are close enough, perhaps you could find a relationship counsellor so you could both explore your feelings. No matter how good a parent you think you have been, kids always have grievances and it can be quite hard to hear them.

It's called emotional blackmail and sadly it's your turn to grow up. What I mean is not giving away your happiness or bowing down to your son's tantrum.
You deserve your life. You haven't left the country, only moved South.
He is dredging up every last anger moment and dislike to wound you and make you suffer because you've Heaven forbid, gone against his wishes.
His angry child is going to make you pay, etc, etc.

He will soften and mature one day. For now though, don't let it spoil things. Just tell him you love him and you're sorry if he's upset but you've made the move and you all have to just carry on with your own choices. Above all, stand firm. He can't dictate your life choices just like can't dictate his.

Nina1959 good post!

It sounds as if your son needs space, it may be you're not reflecting to your part in the problem.

It doesn't seem like moving to Devon could be the entire issue.

Perhaps your son dislikes dh and you have ignored that bit for too long?

Maybe you marrying this dh was hard to your son?

I imagine you will get more verbal abuse if you contact him in the attitude he is wrong and you are right. Some self examination of your deeds and motives may be in order.

Age 24 17,and 12

Don't give up the day job Norah. You're methods of giving advice are seriously off the scale.

I admit I didn't attend the "you are perfect, you did nothing wrong, give this not another thought, there, there, there there" school of advice. Whatever works for you and your happiness, you should promote nina1959. I happen to believe totally different to you. Someone must be reasonable

I am with Norah it takes two to cause an argument / rift even if it is unintentional on the part of either person involved.

If you really want to resolve a situation you have to reflect honestly on you own actions/words and put yourself in the place of the person who the disagreement is with. You may still feel your position is the right one and the other has acted wrongly but you have to think that you might be wrong...nobody is perfect!

OP, sorry your son's being a selfish bugger. Probably best to leave him for now and give him time to stew/grow up.

Norah, the OP's son is an adult so he's 100% solely responsible for being a dickhead. OP has nothing to be remorseful for.

Whilst I agree OP is totally entitled to live where she pleases and son is not entitled to abuse her she has expressed upset that her son is unhappy and she is unhappy. Letting him 'stew' is not going to resolve the issue!

If the move came out of the blue and has caused son's family various difficulties e.g. with childcare (unlikely due to ages) then I can understand his anger/frustration.

If however he is angry because he feels his step dad is coming between him and his mum (despite OP feeling they all had a good relationship) there is a conversation to be had. Was the property sold / given up for the relocation his family home with memories of his dad? Is there a financial issue here that is underlying the situation? Does he feel he is 'losing' some inheritance because of the move? Does he see the OPs husband as manipulating the move etc etc. Too many questions/answers unknown to say 'let him stew' or 'grow up'
We only have one side of this disagreement and there are always two. Even if the other side is unreasonable it needs addressing not ignoring!

You have it all wrong Norah

Norah, I'm still waiting to hear how come all 4 our your SILS cut their mothers off. Of course you say this has nothing to do with you.
But you're quick to point the finger in someone else's camp.