Dil won’t let me be grandma

I'm sorry to hear this Sadgranma, It's an all too familiar situation with DIL's sadly so you are not alone. What is your sons take on it all?
I have 2 DIL's and one little GD and am so fortunate to be involved in her life and we all get on fine, it's not too much to ask to see your grandchildren and it astounds me that so many DIL's especially want to make this almost impossible for grandparents.
Did you get on ok before the baby, is her attitude the norm or something new now she has become a mum?

I don't know what the answer is I wish I knew, I would say speak to your son if you have a good relationship but try to keep calm and continue to offer support. I don't see my grandaugher as often as I would like too but I work and appreciate that they have their own lives too so I look after her once a week and baby sit in between if needed.
I won't deny mummy was a bit reluctant to leave her in the early days but now she's back at work she is only too happy to have the help, hopefully things will settle down but I understand how sad this must make you ?

Oh Sadgranma, I'm assuming that you are talking about your daughter-in-law, mother of your darling grandchild.

I think most new mum's tend to gravitate towards their own parents in the early days, it's where she will feel most comfortable.

I do think most new parents are concerned about pictures being posted on social media sites, I think it's because the photos are often used and altered by paedophiles (apologies if I've got that wrong).

Both of my daughters now have little ones and, since the children were born, they have stayed in their own homes for Christmas day. Try to remember, they are building their own little family, making happy memories, just like we did.

All of my grandchildren have spent time in Daycare and, as long as your ds and dil have chosen a good one, it will be an enriching experience for your cherished grandchild.

Please try to step back a little and, with time and patience on all sides, I'm sure you will be able to build a lovely relationship with the baby

My husband and I are both retired - we live about 2 minutes away. We could walk over if we wanted but are always told she is busy or has people over and told to come when our son is home.

We see them maybe twice a month.

Everything we say or do is met with a no. We haven’t even taken him to the park! Or to his baby classes. Nothing.

And when dil wants to get a haircut or run errands she always asks her mother or her friends.

Perhaps your dil feels like you are trying to take over though. You have put that she intends to keep "My grandchild" at home on Christmas morning , booked "My grandchild" into daycare and, that you haven't taken him to his baby class. Of course he is " your grandchild " but, he is their son

I would be wary of bringing this to a head at present, you are seeing your GC albeit not as often as you would like. Christmas is always a difficult one regarding moving small children from their own homes, you could have one more go at asking your son what is happening then but be prepared for him to stand by his wife's decision. I note her mother is not doing any childcare when GC goes to Nursery so this is obviously the parent's choice and nothing to do with her feelings about you. She will always turn to her own mum first. I think a lot of us think we are going to be a huge part of our Gc's lives but the reality is different, take it slowly and enjoy your DGC when you are with her.

Just a thought, if you are only 2 minutes away from them could you just ask if it's ok for you to pop for a short visit, with the presents, on Christmas morning. That way you would still get to see them.

Why do you need “time alone” with your GC? If I was the mum that would ring alarm bells with me.

Her child her rules apply,just support her and offer help when needed and things will improve ,Dont insist on "my grandchild" he's THEIR son and I'm sure you wanted to be the one who brought up YOUR son Your way so try to understand where you're going wrong and step back

Do you smoke?
Have you got pets?
Is your house clean?
Are you clean ?
Sorry if it appears blunt but any or all of the above could be the reason why they will not bring baby round.
If it's none of the above then they obviously for some reason and I'm sure deep down you must know why they don't want you near their baby , or themselves.

I’ll be seeing them Christmas afternoon. And for dinner. So I won’t be able to pop by in the morning if my dil has her way.

My home is very clean. Cleaner than hers! She has no reason to keep me away other than the fact that she doesn’t like me. She has called me overbearing in the post due to advice I was giving her. Every time I offer advice she takes it as criticism. But I just want what’s best for my grandson.

I hope you won't be offended, but it does come across that you might try to 'take over' a bit, if given the chance?
Apologies if I'm wrong, but do you think that could be the underlying issue?
One persons idea of what's best may be vastly different to anothers.

I just want to bond with him. When they come to visit, dil never hands him to me or my husband. She plops him on the floor and plays with him - always hovering and never sharing him with us. I have only changed one diaper and that’s because she was falling asleep on the couch. She got upset because I didn’t ask and demanded he be brought to her after the change - I was just playing with him on the bed and my son came to take him back to her.

The thing that struck me most in your post Sadgranma was that every time you referred to your son and DiL's son, he was described as your grandchild, your grandbaby, not once as their son.
I feel sad for you, I really do, because he is your only grandchild and of course you want to be involved and see him often. But I do think you need to take a long hard look at your perception of the relationship between you and this little baby. He is not 'your' baby - you had your baby a long time ago and brought him up your way. Now it is their turn to make the decisions for their baby.
Try to stand back - offer help, be available, but please, please, don't refer to the baby in your DiL's hearing as 'my grandson/ my grandchild/my grandbaby'. He's not yours.

Every child should spend Christmas day at home and as you're having dinner with them and seeing them in the afternoon what exactly is the problem. Your grand child is first and foremost their child so they get to make all the decisions regarding him. If they choose to put him in daycare then so be it. If your daughter in law thinks you're over bearing take a massive step back and keep your advice to yourself unless asked. Sorry but carry on like this and you'll soon have no contact at all, just be aware.

Gosh, I just want what's best for my grandson. What? You think she doesn't? You think only you know what's best for him? No wonder she's withholding him

How old is your grandson, because I was thinking about how I liked to always be in my own home on Christmas morning when my daughter was small.

Why do you think you should have alone time with him? He's not your child; he's your son and dil's child. Stop being so needy, back off, get on with your life and you may find you get invited to see him more. You sound a bit obsessive TBH.

Please take this advice from someone who understands what it is like to love a grandchild more than life itself- you will lose your link to him if you insist on offering advice, and not realising that he is your grandson BUT NOT YOUR SON. Far better to be a terrific grandma, than struggle to be a secondary mother.

The rules to being a modern grandparent are complicated, and very different from how we saw our Grandparents. Parents are the ones who make decisions, do try not to offer helpful advice or comment unless it is asked for and never take the baby or do anything without first checking with Mum. It is hard, but it takes time to build a completely new relationship once baby has arrived. I have always taken a lead from our DIL and stood back unless invited to get involved. Our DGD at 2 now asks for us and to visit us, but for the first year I never expected to have time alone with our DGD. We visited their home once a week when invited, and took the lead from them.
You are lucky to see them ypur DGC on Christmas day, a lot of Grandparents never get that opportunity.

I agree with what everybody is saying
I am repeatedly hearing “my grandchild” , but he is their baby and if you haven’t worked out your place in the pecking order by now, you have to have a hard look at yourself.
I would back off the social media pics too, you are only making yourself unhappy. Why would she let you post pictures of their baby?
And what is wrong with the young family deciding to spend Christmas morning in their own home?
Even your final sentence fills me with dread -“alone time” with your grandchild?
Just think hard, whose child is he? Time to take a back seat, grandma, it is not all about you.

If you are visiting with them in the afternoon and having dinner with them, you have no need to be there in the morning also.

I actually felt a bit strange reading your posts, they come across as overbearing and possessive. So much so that it crossed my mind momentarily that this could be a wind up.I
If not, I feel sorry for your son who will be stuck in the middle.

OP, be very careful, if you don't step back you could be shown the door.

Fall back, give some breathing space.

As a general rule if people (and not just family) want your advice they will ask for it. If they haven't asked they probably don't. The rule applies whether it's about grandchildren, financial matters, fashion, holiday plans, whatever. I agree with other posters that perhaps a little bit of personal soul searching may be needed.

and there lies the answer ..you are overbearing and you criticise.
2 very good reasons why they don't want you to have contact with their baby.
You need to take a step back and make drastic changes or you will find yourself with no contact at all.

You are seeing them for Christmas dinner and the afternoon but it's still not enough for you?
I don't think you need advice I think you need a restraining order.