Jealous of other “grandparents “

You have had a lovely Christmas with your family and are so lucky to be a part of your DGS life don't allow jealousy to spoil the relationship you have be glad they are loved by so many others

I would re read Luckygirl’s comments on page 1. I also feel resentful that the other grandparents spend a lot of time with the grandchildren .....jealousy is such a painful emotion and seemingly uncontrollable at times. But time will change things, as always, children grow, circumstances change, and who knows what the future may bring.

ive got family, grandchildren too.In an ideal world it would
be Walton like! As I age I realise my close friends are as important as my family,old quotes like blood is thicker than water etc seem to hold a family up as sacred and I think its true that no one can hurt us like our family can,after all how much time have we given for them?
I would say the best family we can have is our family of choice.

Dear Emm14, lots of advice here, some you may want to take and some you may want to leave. Are you actually more upset, rather than jealous?

I try not to be jealous (but was initially often VERY upset) when in our case, my SiLs mother has decided that she is the ‘real’ granny and therefore the one to do the majority of the babysitting, etc. She announced on several occasions, even when I was actually in the room (!), that she is the ‘best’ granny in the world. She has even physically pushed me out of the way to get to one of our ‘mutual’ grandchildren first!

I have said several times that in my view children need as many grandparents, and as many people to love and care for them as possible, but I’m afraid that this falls on deaf ears.

It sounds as though you had a wonderful Christmas with your family and grandchildren (as did we, which was marvellous) and now they have gone to their other family (as have ours!).

I have found some online Mindfulness exercises to be very helpful, and have also taken advice from other Gransnetters, which has helped tremendously. Hope you are feeling better with lots of lovely holidays and Christmasses to come!

You had them for Christmas but are now jealous because they are spending New Years with the other grandparents .....time to pull yourself together. This isn't about you - it's about your grandchildren. If they have lots of people who love them, great ! Do try to stop feeling jealousy over something as silly as this.

Similar feelings here.

But it is with a family friend, my age, who has decided that she can be a BFF to my DIL, and has dropped our relationship, and I feel is encroaching on my relationship with my DIL.

I understand all the 'good' reasons why it is good for my son's family to have lots of good people in their lives; but still struggle with this woman 'taking what is mine -- a relationship with my DIL'

I empathize; no real answer for you; I continue to come to terms with this, as I am sure you are trying to do the same.
Good luck! (Again, I empathize)

Good advice; thank you!

I agree fully with Mycatisahacker. In my family, a new (blood related) grandma was welcomed a few years ago. Until then DH & I were the only GPs. We've made every effort to welcome NewGM and to make her feel part of our family: I now count her as a friend. This has been a positive experience for all: not least, I wanted to show my DGC what it means to be part of a "loving & giving" family.

The OP already said she knows her feelings don't have a reasonable basis so I don't know why so many people are scolding her for feelings. OP you're allowed to have any feelings you happen to have, and yes it's obvious from reading other threads on here that LOADS of other grandparents feel the same for whatever reason.

PS SiL in this context is son in law! ?

mabon1 - that is harsh; sometimes we cannot help our feelings - we do not plan to have them, they just drop in on us.

I am sure that Emm14 is not proud of how she feels, and needs help to move forward from this.

Yes OP, you are being unreasonable.

When my son met his now wife both her and her parents tried to take our place in our grandsons (from his previous partner) lives. As they had been with us every weekend for all of their lives, we were a bit annoyed when they started doing things with these others. Sad to say it didn't last long, as soon as dil had her own child, the boys were forgotten about to the point that they would take "their" Gran daughter out and if it was the boys weekend with their dad they would leave the boys at home. Same at birthday and Christmas the girls would get great presents boys just a token gift. Now boys are older in their 20s, sadly have nothing to do with their dad and rest of this family. But thankfully we still see them.

My daughter in law sadly died 5 years ago, leaving behind my son and their boy, aged 4. Son remarried last year and so now we have step grandparents as well as ddil family. Tbh it is hard when step grandparents come to look after him from time to time when my son and new ddil go away, but dgs loves them, and they are kind to him and as we live minutes walk away and have been involved so much whilst there was illness and after the death that we have a really close relationship. He still stays weekly, and has a room, clothes, toys in our house! I guess I just am glad dogs has so many people who love him! He certainly needs the support after such trauma... so, your feelings are valid OP, but maybe try to see the love that’s there? Flowers ?

Your feelings sound natural to me but you would be unwise to do anything but keep quiet, you have had a great Christmas with them and your DIL obviously feels close to these friends as a parental substitute so just try and let them get on with their lives and enjoy your DGC as and when.

I posted on gransnet some time ago about similar struggles with the time my children and grandchildren spend with their father (my ex) and his wife. I was helped at the time by posts saying just be happy that your grandchildren have more people to love them. ..

Perfect response. My thoughts exactly. Sometimes Im really shocked by pettiness on this site !

There's no point in telling the poster off when all she's doing is being honest and has actually said she knows she's being unreasonable! Isn't it better to acknowledge your feelings as a first step to changing them?

Stop trying to control how your Grandchildren are brought up- Love them when they are with you teach them how to show love and have respect for others.
Let Son and DIL be parents to their own children- Cheers

Sorry OP - But yes, I do think you’re being unreasonable.

Feelings don't often care about what's reasonable, but you can consider how to reign these feelings in.
Life is much nicer when you try (very hard!) to see the positive in everything, and this situation has many, for many people.

Emm14.I could so easily be very jealous of the fact that my two granddaughters who live 300miles from me see far more of their lovely stepmum’s parents than either I, or their Dad’s Mum here, do. I rarely see them at all. I did get to spend 6 lovely hours with them in August ,when they did come back to stay with their Dad’s Mum. That was the first time in 18 months that I had seen them!!
They lost theirMum,my younger daughter ,when they were 4 and 2 . They are now 13 and 11 . I miss them and my daughter all the time ,but am glad they are happy . Their step Grandparents live very near them and they are the ones who see them often. I think you are very lucky to have seen your family over Christmas. I’ m lucky to have my other daughter nearby and I saw her and family on Christmas Day. ,but have no idea when I will get to see my other grandchildren again. Your jealousy is just eating away at you. Can’t you try to be glad that your DIL has such good friends after losing her own parents. That must be difficult for her.

my mum and dad died a few years ago and their godmothers parents came to be like their granparents at first i was resentful but now i realise that my grandkids are lucky to have people that choose to be in their life and love them like their own they dont have grandchildren of their own its also lovely that they have older people in their lives . be grateful , you are not sny less thought of

My DIL's mother and I have always got on well from day one. They live fairly near so we have just visited each other, most times if they drove to see the GC I'd be included. Also when my son is away on business we'd share the child care.
Sadly a bit in the past now as the other Granny has had a number of mental issues so doesn't get about as much. She's unable to see the GC very often.

I think its wonderful that you are brave enough to say how you are feeling. Sometimes, even though our brains tell us we shouldn't feel a certain way, we can't help our feelings. Just acknowledge how you are feeling without judging yourself, and then put those emotions behind you and think about how lucky your grandchildren are to have as many people love them as possible.