Horrible grandchildren....HEL P

notanan2.
The OP said she wished to discuss this with her daughter, It was not my suggestion.
You say we don’t know if there is a problem..... I think the headline “Horrible grandchildren HELP” indicates the OP feels there is a problem.

@notanan2 I don’t think she feels labeled as the black sheep, but her self perception is not likely the same as ours. We often tell her we are proud of her, she works hard, has a successful career, and I’m sure she’s exhausted at the end of a day. If I thought they only act this way with us it would be different. I’ve heard remarks made by her friends directly to her about how the kids need rules and boundaries and it’s like she doesn’t comprehend that they are meaning HER children, as though it’s a general statement.

You only see how DD parents when she is parenting in a goldfish bowl (watched and judged by family)

If she can relax around you more. You may see a better parent in her!

Kids sound fine. They wouldnt be so happy and relaxed at school if they werent happy and relaxed at home. The kids wouldnt have the skills to behave alone with you if they were never parented.

If the combination of you/other ACs AND their mother in the same place at the same time is tense: kids sense that and either overly "people please" or go the other way and missbehave to try to cut through the tension

We have the same problem with our grandson, his behaviour is awful. Cheeky, out of control, insolent, running about and jumping on furniture, pouting, going into meltdown (he is 9 by the way)

It was put gently to us recently not problem with GDS but DD who I am afraid to say is only interested in herself and own life. It's so sad. We have tried speaking to DD but goes on the defence immediately and won't discuss the problem. We have got no further and I really do feel for you Muddigran, we are all stuck in the middle here. I dread the teenage years with GDS, the problem will only get worse. DD did go to parenting classes for a few months and there was some improvement but now gone. Muddigran you are welcome to sent me a private message. Keep your chin up and remember they are your grandchildren.

We used to call it ‘showing off’ if they seem fine on a one to one, I doubt that they are horrible.

If any of ours started playing up we just drew them aside and made them sit down, surely you can do this without upsetting your DD?

I’ve heard remarks made by her friends directly to her about how the kids again, in "goldfish bowl" situations with family there.

Try a bit more love bombing. I dont mean general "we love you and are proud of you" I mean specifics. On both the mum and children. For whatever reason shes got into a situation where she knows shes judged (and she'll know!) and thats a hard pit to dig yourself out of without a leg up.

Shes not her best self/parent when shes in company/your company at the mo.

Meanwhile maybe have get togethers in less formal places where its okay to be boistrous and noisy (much easier in summer: parks/picnics)

I do not mean that your family gatherings need to decamp to softplay (shudder) but some nice country pubs have big play areas, some nice cafes have play corners etc

Yes! We love having them without DD because they act like normal children. I do realize being a single mom isn’t easy, and she does a wonderful job in most situations, and I don’t expect kids to be miniature adults. They act like they are starved for attention and will do whatever it takes to get it. When they spend weekends with us away from her, we never have to scold or raise our voices. Yesterday was my mother’s 81st birthday. The 2 kids were so wild and unruly I was nearly in tears and completely relieved when she took them home, I hate feeling this way.

Think as a child:
you alone: adults happy, children happy
Mum alone: adults happy, children happy
Both of you in the same room: adults tense, children......

Muddigran,
We have recently spent time with two children of similar ages.
On a 1 to 1 without technology they are delightful, a walk on the beach, baking etc and I love every minute I am with them.
Once they are in a public place where they need to behave they are very difficult.
The iPads are used as a pacifier.
I have every sympathy.

Do you have an OH who could step in? My DH has great fun with DGC but if they step out of line he has a look and his teacher's voice and they listen. This is for things like defiance if I ask them to do something - saying no to me. (DD1 would be horrified as she stands no nonsense - also teacher). He rarely has to do this so it is very effective. This is for 6 and 3 year old neither of whom would behave badly in a restaurant/cafe. 22 month old is too young for this but DD2 is also quite strict and if something needs done eg. nappy - it gets done so expect he will be the same. If you don't have OH then maybe a sibling of your DD could try? It sounds like she is struggling with the safe and acceptable boundaries for the children whilst in her care as it sounds like school is not an issue and they can accept the discipline there.

Why did we need to know they have different dads and you think your daughter is stupid when it comes to men? If she is happy and the children are happy, leave them to it x

That's rather sad. Calling your grandchildren horrible.

They're only little.

This reminds me a bit of my childless sister

My 4 children were pretty well behaved but would run and play

My sister would give them this look. Well, if looks could kill etc etc

If I was your daughter I'd probably not bother with family functions!

Children are always always naughtier in the presence of their parents, it shows they feel safe around her x

I don't think that the children sound happy. I think that they have learned that if they want their mothers attention then they have to act up. As they have grown so has their behaviour. What to do about it? Well if your DD can't see a problem then it impossible. However if she says that the children are not getting invited to parties, sleepovers etc. Then you could point out that their behaviour may be the cause. Having said that, you say they are different when their mother is not around so it may not arise. I think that she has made a rod for her own back.

As a TA I worry much more about children who are acting out away from their parents (unless they have special needs), that can mean they feel safer away from parents than they do at home. All children need to push boundaries and let off emotional and physical energy. Some have more than others, especially if they have had stress in their lives with parents who left etc. I would make more effort to include their mum and make her welcome so she feels happy and loved. The children will also respond to that x

Are you not engaging with them? Playing games, encouraging them?

Or are you all talking over the top of them, all adults together and they just want some attention?

My mother always expected my children to just be quiet and still but my auntie... When my children were little she would be armed with things for them to do, if I looked tired I got sent for a nap or she'd send me for a walk if I looked stressed. When I had newborns she would put me and baby to bed and take the others out to play. She had two energetic boys and knew how exhausting it was. When we were with her, it was my time to just be relaxed and mothered while she had great times with the children. I'm hoping to be just like her x

My granddsdons can be very unruly. My DD Siblings think that she doesn't do enough to 'sort' them sometimes, but I can see a completely exhausted woman who needs a break, and relaxes into a 'mum will sort it' attitude when she is at ours. Not all the time - but sometimes. Your daughter coudl be struggling herself, and I suspect you are right, if they only really play up when she is there they are desperate for her attention. I do n't know what yor relationship with your daughter is like - but I think you need to talk to her.

I dont think the OP expects seen not heard or anything like that. I think they ARE acting up

However I suspect the acting up is at least partly to do with the atmosphere when the mother and OP/other children are there rather than being all the mothers fault.

I m afraid your headline put me off to start with How can you call your grandkids horrible ....poor kids and your daughter sounds judged by you and the other more perfect siblings
Perhaps they play up because they recognise tension between you and your daughter

If they are OK with you, but not when their mother is present, it suggests that there is something not quite right about the mother/child dynamic.

Do you ever visit your daughter and DGC at home and see how their home life runs? Then think whether there is anything there that causes problems.

The fact that the children behave when just with you is a positive point because it shows they know how to behave.

If they are OK with you, but not when their mother is present, it suggests that there is something not quite right about the mother/child dynamic.
The acting out the OP had talked about isnt when the children are alone with their mum.
Its when their mum is there WITH her parents and adult siblings... who dont like her life choices..

The fact that the children behave when just with you is a positive point because it shows they know how to behave. and are probably well parented most of the time.
Just not when the adult family is all together..

Unless somebody else brought your daughter up, I would say she is showing the parenting style she was taught, she may have adapted it slightly.

Is she the scapegoat?

Do the children pick up your thinking that they are "horrible" - I'm sorry, but that is an abusive way to talk about you loved ones, when it cannot possibly be their fault. They will know by now they aren't liked, and that will have fed into their confidence badly.

They will also have picked up the vibe that all other kids in the family are liked better.
Under the circumstances they would probably think "I may as well be the black sheep I am being labelled".

This is not a quick fix issue. Thinking back to your daughter as she grew up, with the view to seeing where this all started, might be a place to start.