A right miserable wail.

No guilt - absolutely ditch that. You are all facing enormous challenges and stepping up to these as best each of you can. Three children at one go is a massive task when you get to our age and you are simply getting on with it. I salute you. Do not berate yourself for finding it hard. It IS hard - that is a fact and nothing you can do would change that - so no guilt.

Take a deep breath, forget the guilt, regroup ready for the next challenge. You CAN do this, and the notes from your DGC must give you strength to carry on. You are clearly a treasured grandma doing your very very best under such sad and stressful circumstances.

It`s all been said already, but I`m so full of admiration for you, and so sorry for what you are all going, and will be going through. Rant and wail as much as you need to.

I echo everything callgirl says - horrible situation for everyone and your son must be so appreciative of your help even if he doesn't voice his thanks much. The parents of your DiL are having a really rough time and they will be glad of all you are doing. X X

morethan you are a wonderful mum and granny. As others have said, forget the diet, now you need strength. How lucky those little ones are to have you.

I can't imagine how tough this is for you, caring for your DGC and your son. Please come on GN and rant and rave as much as you like. Those little children will have a lot to cope with but having a gran who loves them, they and you will pull through. (I hope you don't mind if I include you in my prayers tonight) (hugs)

You're obviously doing a brilliant job holding things together for your DGC, DS and DiL. Unfortunately when everyone is stressed at the same time it is difficult to show appreciation for each other.

Are you getting support from anywhere? Macmillan have some useful booklets about supporting children through times like this.

This is a good place to rant and let of steam. {{{{hugs}}}}

Try and take one day at a time. Hugs.xx

I'm sending you a box of rollos, these are the non calorific ones, please no guilt, you are doing the very best you can do, an amazing mum and gran, please be kind to yourself

morethan, you are doing a brilliant job and are allowed to vent, don't beat yourself up. Forget about feeling guilty for eating a few sugary snacks as you have probably burnt off lots of calories with all your running around and blow the calories have a too.

Dear morethan2
My heart goes out to you and yours. As a grandparent, you are beginning the process of grief for your son, your grandchildren and for yourself. That in itself is so tiring and you are giving out so much.

Echoing what many others have said ... You are amazing! you are also vital to your family and you will find the strength you need. However, you also need support for you.

Macmillan may be a starting point - their website has lots of info for parents and an advice line - I wonder if they can link you up with support for you?

Thinking of your little grandchild - just yesterday I learned about a 'portable-potty' not a toilet seat - one that you click into shape and has disposable nappy linings that can be used anywhere - if you can lay hands on one it might save all those stairs and make outings less stressful too - I found some on google for under £7 - though linings would need to be bought as well.

As others have said - be as gentle with yourself as you can be and seek the support you need for yourself too.

Love and prayerful best wishes for you all xx

Morethan, my heart goes out to you at this difficult time. O.H and I were in exactly the same situation until my daughter died last February. We supported my s-i-l and the three children through two years of "horrendous treatment" for my D.D. We were both 70 at the time.
Its very very hard but somehow you find the strength and energy to keep going. All I can say is be kind to yourself and relax when you dont have the children. You are doing your very best so never feel guilty for having a rant now and again. I understand exactly what you are going through now. Your son will need you to be strong in the weeks ahead. We coped by just taking one day at a time, and not thinking too far ahead about the future. You will get through this terrible time, somehow you find the strength to support all the family. Please let us know how you are from time to time.

I agree with Imperfect - look for help. This is what I would do, obviously take or leave as is most helpful:

Your DiL should have a specialist team, including someone like a Macmillan Nurse - ask to speak to them, on your own (+ your DH if best). Normally they will do that happily. Arrangements for support do vary from area to area, so begin by asking your SiL, and if you get nowhere, then contact one of the charities, and ask what support is available in your area. Similarly, there should be a child bereavement team who can offer you specialist advice: this is the one I know best:
www.chums.uk.com/ but I know of Winston's Wish as well.

Whilst the family need to support each other, you & your DH need support away from them, including knowing how best to handle everyone. Any of us find the caring you are doing tiring, but the emotional burden adds to it.

You are going to be doing a lot more of this, so think carefully about your priorities. This is what my list would look like, yours may be different:

1. get a cleaner, so some of the everyday stuff is less of a burden
2. get a freezer full of ready meals, at the very least, some pizzas and ice cream

If either of these is difficult to afford, consider asking whichever Cancer charity is supporting you - they are flexible and helpful.

3. Who else helps, and how best to use them? Obviously DiL's family, but there may be practical issues. Are there 'swimming' parents who might help - many friendly families are happy to do what they can (in a similar situation I took children to a youth group & activities to give a granny precious time). You can even consider a taxi for the actual 'run' if there are friends there to look after them / cheer them on.

4. Make a little sacrosanct time for yourself & DH so that you can both recharge your batteries and do your grieving.

I with you and your family th best you can hope for - some more precious time with DiL, and the best ending there can be.

Thank you all for you support. I think there was a collision of many things over the weekend that caused me to fall into a pit of despair. My main concern has always been that I'll let them down. I do normally walk off my miseries but my foot is really sore and getting worse. Any physical problems increase my concern. I worry that I won't be physically fit to do the childcare. I'm putting off going to see my GP in the hope rest will help it. My DiL family are wonderful but very distraught. We get on very well and they often confide in me about their fears. I'm fine while I'm supporting and listening to them but I'm wrecked when I leave. Many of you will know that I I struggled with the idea of retirement. It has made the situation much less stressful but i wonder if I'm missing the emotional support I received from my colleagues. I don't contact them because I feel terrible inflicting all this horrible misery on anyone. My DiL never ever talks about her illness. She'll give me the bare facts or ask for help with the children but even then she mostly pretends that it's just that the children want to stay with us. We all plaster on our best smiles and play our roles of the perfect carefree family when we're with her. If you saw us you'd never guess. I've asked everyone close to her if we should be behaving/reacting differently but they all assure me that this is her way of handling it. So we batten down and swallow our terror and try to carry on like all is well. So that makes accessing support impossible. I will chat to her parents/ family to re-evaluate what is going on with emotional support for her extended family. I'm off to collect some ironing today. I'll put on a DVD and tackle that and remind myself I'm doing somthing concrete to help. Thanks again. Now that I'm calmer I'll revisit this thread and do my best to take on your advice.

Glad you have a space here where you can express some of your worries morethan. I cannot imagine the tensions of everyone being so brave that they are not acknowledging the pain, but I do feel that that is unhealthy and some things have got to give.

Only you know your family boundaries and sensitivities so please take or leave the following, but this is what comes to mind for me ...Sometimes we need to give each other permission to acknowledge pain - this has been true in my family since losing my DD in an accident and I have encountered the same reserve when my father was terminally ill with lung cancer. As his health deteriorated, it became 'the elephant in the room' for some family members... We are so afraid of causing distress ...maybe opening a door on emotions that we fear cannot be managed, but we can also end up denying ourselves opportunities for giving and receiving support that everyone really needs.

It is brave and risk-taking to say anything and we often don't know how to get started. BUT - in my experience, once we make a small first step - just an acknowledgement - it can open the door. On my weekly visits with my dad, I decided early on to make a point of asking 'How are you?' and showing that I really wanted to know ... following it up with ' So how are you REALLY?' or 'How are you feeling today?' if he was evasive in a self-deprecating way. I acknowledged that this was 'Now ' - if it was a bad day, feelings / emotions could change ..- there were better days too. If it brought tears - to us both - we wept together and then dried our tears and talked of everyday things. We were never overwhelmed by sobbing grief (often a fear for people). BUT we both had points where we touched the reality of what was going on. Over time we needed those points of communication to help us process. This in its own way can be helpful to everyone concerned.

I hope you can find ways to share with your DS and DDIL in particular and find the support that you yourself need as you try to balance all the stresses and all the needs you see in others xx

Morethan2 in my book, you're a bloody hero! Holding everything together for the sake of the family, being there for everyone when they need you most. You're earning your laurels as best Mum, GM and MiL. We're all here for you.

I hope your family are being pointed in the right direction with help. Macmillan for a start. You are all going to need help emotionally and with regards to what help your family are entitled to. You are allowed to feel whingy and upset you're going through a hard time

DGC will not notice if the hoovering /dusting etc is not always done. Love them keep on smiling but most of all be kind to yourself ???You can only do what you can do. It sounds like it is going to get harder for you all, sending you love and hugs. I have found comfort ranting and wailing on gransnet, I hope you find a modicum of comfort here also.

You're doing a wonderful job, and to the very best of your (considerable) ability. Its a pity that this kind of situation doesn't come with an instruction manual; as it is, its just one steady step at a time. You have my utmost admiration. And please, at least get your poor foot looked at.

You are doing a wonderful job in the most horrendous of circumstances; you would not be human if you didn't wobble at times when it starts to get too much. To have such worry about your son, dil and the children - that's more than enough for anyone. No one can do more than you are - I found 'one day at a time' the best thing when life hit a brick wall some years ago with one awful day following after another; I would shower, get into bed, and just lie there thinking 'we have got through another day, the children are fed, and asleep, we can cope' and try to hang on to that. Keep your chin up, Morethan as all things pass, good and bad,and although there is not a happy ending here for your Dil your support for the children will help them through this terrible time and this will help you DS very much too.

How brilliant you are !!!!

It is the toughest of times and there you are thinking of everybody else, you put me to shame.

I send you all good wishes, please let us know how you are all going along.

So so sorry, what an awful situation for you, and the rest of the family. Sending you a virtual hug and , wish it was more. Try to get whatever rest you can, and seek help and kindness on Gransnet, they're a nice kindly bunch of people. Sorry I can't offer more.

You are amazing... I don't know if I could even begin to cope as well as you. I can only agree to suggestions about trying some time-saving things, meals, cleaning, etc and not be so concerned about trying to do it all. Your family is so lucky to have you! [[[[[[hugs]]]]]

You are an amazing person doing a wonderful job.I agree with everyone who has said let standards slip a little and find some time for you and hubby to relax.But please go to the doctor with your foot problem-it sounds like it is causing you pain and distress and needs sorting out quickly. If you leave it,there is a chance that it could worsen,adding to your woes.
I wish you and your family strength and love during this awful time.

When I look after 1 GD for a day I am shattered and you care for three as well as having the devastating news of your DIL and her terminal illness and all the attendant worries about your son and the future. You are doing a marvellous job and are more than entitled to moan, groan or whatever, you have to have some outlet for everything going on in your family life. Take care.

You're doing a fantastic job - your son and his family are so lucky to have you. You're coping with a huge amount both emotionally and physically; you can wail and moan as much as you like on here. We had a similar problem last year when DIL was hospitalised and I defy anyone to manage especially in the heat without feeling grumpy and frustrated. We ended up roping in other family members and friends to help out and also enrolled the kids into some activities. It just gave us all a bit of respite from each other. I also agree that it would be worth contacting Macmillan services for the whole family - it sounds as though it is really time to bring in extra help. Hugs to you!!

'Love you nanna' notes should tell you that you are doing great. The relationship you have with this family of 5 shows that you are such a support to them. Sit down with husband and think about how to reduce your tiredness. Food in freezer, quiet day before they arrive, a few hours of a cleaner after they've gone. Definitely play schemes, getting out of the house, away from reminders of their pain and mixing with new people will help them adjust.
Love to you, your son and your loving lovely family.