Graduation Dilemma

I gu (gave up) after reading the fp (first paragraph).

new nanny, do you have children of your own, please?

The therapist is there for the client - in this case it is newnanny's niece. She/he will have been trying to help her make sense of whatever pain or anger she has been living with. It isn't their role to reconcile families. That's what a family therapist might look towards.

Re what to do... I think you could maybe call the uni and ask what their system is regarding extra tickets. Then at least you have the information. But you are right you are in a tricky place and if she doesn't want her parents there that is her choice. I think asking your niece to tell them that they aren't wanted could be a further blow to your sister. And it might actually initiate more angry words. I wouldn't want to call them to say "I'm not inviting you" if I was your neice - and if I did, maybe would say unhelpful or hurtful things... It actually might be better coming from you.

Maybe you could discuss the situation you are in with your sister - and maybe ask both parties about interest in family therapy too? It might be a seed worth sowing.

Good luck.

What is the point of her parents going to the graduation. Your Dn will most likely ignore them, won’t want to celebrate with them and it will spoil her graduation. Are you expecting her to put on a happy face and be nice to 2 people who she doesn’t want to spent time with.

She wants you and her boyfriend there and she will be even more hurt if you refuse because you don’t want to hurt your sister. If your sister is really a caring mother she will except the situation and be pleased her daughter is having the people she wants. She must have noticed her daughter hasn’t been home.

Don’t blame the therapist, she has most likely asked the questions you suggested. Therapy is about helping people to reach the best way forward for the client.

A very difficult situation for you but I think you could cause more hurt by not attending

!

What is diss and def ? It is important to know to understand the situation but it is not on the acronyms list. I love this site but cannot understand why almost everyone uses acronyms and it spoils it for me. Why ? Other sites don’t have this secret code so why Gransnet ? Is there a reason ? No coded replies please !

Got my acronyms wrong ! Meant dais dbf and dn. what the heck are they ?

I agree pippa. I know a lot of folk like the acronyms but in posts like these it make it awfully difficult to make sense of it all.

Closer to the date, she can apply for an extra ticket.

I presume there is nothing awful about your sister as you seem to get on with her and discuss her daughter with her. Do you have any idea what your niece has against her own mother or is it a product of her stress and depression. I should speak to them both, tell the niece your dilemma and explain the situation to your sister then you will have a clearer picture of everyone's thoughts and can make up your mind.

d=dear
n=niece
bf=boyfriend
sis/s=sister

Oh I wish some therapists would keep their thoughts to themselves! It's common, and no reason not to be that when both parents have to work that the older siblings look after the younger - maybe your nieces' friends didn't have to do that, so that is why she is feeling hard done by, but who she has chosen to be at her graduation is your nieces choice and quite frankly it is up to her to explain to her parents why they are not being invited! Quite honestly I feel sorry for her parents - both obviously worked hard to keep a roof over her head and to give her what they could and according to her "therapist" because they did that, they are the cause of her problems! You need to talk to your niece and explain why her parents did what they did and why you help her out and that you are thrilled to be asked but they should come first. If she is about to graduate, she is an adult and therefore needs to do her own dirty work ! Sorry, but I get tired of adults wrapping youngsters in cotton wool !

Thank you for your replies grannyactivist and Nanny27.

From what you’ve said about the relationship between your niece and her parents I very much doubt that she will ask them to be there under any circumstances. Extra tickets can usually be gotten as not everyone takes up the allocated two tickets.
Has she said they are not being invited because of this, or are you assuming this

Ahhh the wonders of therapy. I haven't a lot of faith in therapists as they are only getting a one sided view of the situation. In your situation I would be having a conversation with your niece explaining why you do not feel comfortable in taking the place of her mum. I would be surprised if she doesn't understand your predicament.

I agree with Luckylegs9 and jaylucy above. Your niece has made you 'piggy in the middle' and that is unfair. Especially as you do not think your sister is a bad parent. It would be very different if she had been abused in some way. A lot of children are spoiled and entitled these days. Although your niece is yet to realise it, she may well have learned some valuable life skills because of her upbringing. About hard work and caring for children. If your niece insists on cutting her parents out of her life she should be the one to explain to them why and that she's asked you to attend. It seems very cruel to me that she's cut them out because she had to help out with sibling child care so they could work to provide for her. Something the therapist seems to have missed. Of course she's going to favour her generous auntie. Who helps her financially without having to parent her. You sound like a very nice and intelligent person who realises that someone will be hurt by this decision. I would speak to your sister and explain that 'you' feel very uncomfortable about this as you don't want to hurt her. Then explain to your niece that she's put you in a difficult position as you love your sister and it could cause bad feeling. If she cares about you as much as you care about her, she should understand. She may have been mixing with more privileged students at Uni and resents her poorer background. And combined with the pressures of studying and exams, perhaps hearing all about 'gap years' and 'travelling' she could feel her parents are to blame when they are not. I hope you can resolve this and perhaps then all of you can attend via the suggestions above for extra tickets or outside viewing and have a celebration afterwards. My heart goes out to your sister. I don't know if you have children yourself, but if you do, you will know how much that will break her heart. Try to mediate. I wish you luck and hope your niece comes to her senses and realises her parents did the best they could.

Breeze I think you have hit the nail on the head. I am sure she has been mixing with students who are well off and I wonder if she told any of them about her childhood and they made fun of her calling her Cinderella. She also works so many hours to try to keep her debt down and she has had severe depression. She got counselling to help with depression which she says is a bit better but I actually think it has caused rift with her parents. My dsis is not a bad parent at all, just a struggling one who does the best she can. She did tell her dd she did not approve of her bf which i think made rift worse. I don't think therapist has been very helpful and i can see how i have been cast as Fairy Godmother without ever intending it to happen, as I did treat all my dn and dnep whenever i saw them, as most aunties would if they could, and took eldest dn on hols with me to give her a break. I could see how hard her childhood was compared to my sons who was a year older. I did help my dsis out with other stuff occasional uniform or bus pass etc but her children would not have known that as i suppose at some level i was conscious of not wanting to buy their love. I will ask dn if she think family therapy could help to put issues in context. I am not sure if you are supposed to see two different therapist at once though.

Maybe your niece has already spoken to her mother about it and your sister knows about the situation .
Perhaps she has said that in view of your generousity she would like you to attend.
I think the best thing to do is to speak to your niece about it.

When son graduated he had two free tickets and any others had to be paid for. All universities are different of course but it might be worth asking about.

Tell her that you suffer from sudden attacks of claustrophobia.The ceremonies are excruciatingly boring.Steer clear if at all possible.

I agree newnanny, this particular therapist has not been helpful at all, in fact completely detrimental to the situation. Like most therapists she has pushed the blame on to her parents rather then the situation, but as I said in my previous post she is doing it from a totally one sided direction. No matter how much you love your niece I would have to say no and explain why. Even if there were extra tickets I would think your sister would be very hurt in knowing she'd played second fiddle to you. Your niece seems to either not care or has completely overlooked the fact that it could easily cause a rift between you and your sister.

I think you are being unfair to the therapist. You are making presumptions that she put ideas into dn’s head that weren’t there before. Therapists don’t take sides and don’t encourage distructive family dynamics. You weren’t in dn’s sessions to be fair. ?

ohmother Therapy can be very dangerous in the wrong hands. Not all 'therapists' are highly qualified in their field and can do untold damage.

I have heard a lot of stories supporting this but to repeat them would be anecdotal. However, an acquaintance recently announced she wanted to earn money after her children were offhand. She went on a ridiculously short hypnotherapy course (something like a month). Hired a room above a dental surgery, had business cards printed, and started to charge about £30 p.hr. as a hypnotherapist. I had to really bite my tongue when she told me she was treating a cancer patient to manage her fear. How you can learn how to hypnotise someone in 4 weeks then charge a cancer patient £30 p.hr. is beyond me.

Good psychotherapists rarely plant ideas. They listen then come up with coping strategies. It seems on this occasion, the therapist concerned told her client she should take the person who had supported her most. Thereby making a decision for her. I disagree she should have done this.

breeze, you're the voice of reason here.

She can get extra tickets but thats not the point she doesnt want them.there
My daughter refused for her step dad to attend and wasnt keen on her real father attending either although she finally gave her real dad an invite
She wanted her brothers and two favorite uncles to attend and they all did she had a great time but i was in a very difficult position
Years after she still says how happy her step father wasnt in attendance
He was extremely hurt and the relationship that was suffering has never recovered so I feel for your situation