My son is an abuser

Get in touch with Women's Aid, both yourself and your son's partner. www.womensaid.org.uk They will help her leave.

Libby, such a difficult situation for you but I am so pleased you are there for her. I take it, her parents are not around?
A doctor should be his first port of call. Good luck !

Surely the victim is the one who needs to report the abuse - unless you think the baby is at risk in which case you have no choice but to tell Social Services. Tragic as this state of affairs undoubtedly is, the child’s safety and well being are paramount.

I am relieved to hear you are supporting your dgs and his Mum and not your vile son. She should report him and he should be made to see that his behaviour is not acceptable.

How long before he starts abusing his child? Do not allow him unsupervised access to son just in case he loses his temper with him too as he clearly has anger management issues.

I would be steering him to seek help in controlling his temper before he seriously hurts his partner or child.

A child's welfare is very much at risk in that kind of environment.

Does your son drink, or take anything else, or is this 'just' anger issues?

I second Women’s Aid as a place of advice & support.

Does your son know that his partner & baby are staying with you ? If not, please take care.

Clearly there is a complexity & distorted dynamic between your son & his partner, & the abuse cannot be glossed over.

I suggest Women’s Aid as the place to start, although they do keep office hours. The National Violence Helpline are available 24 hours, we found them immensely helpful when our niece was in a very difficult place with her abusive partner.

Your dil must start documenting the abuse for future use in court.
Has she ever pressed charges against him?

I would encourage her to get in touch with the dv hotline - www.thehotline.org
So she can plan her next steps.

No matter what, you must not have contact with your son, it will break her trust.

As a survivor of domestic abuse I’m afraid abusers don’t change and often escalate their offences over time. Children in such relationships are always affected even when they are too young to understand . Please contact Women’s Aid and get your DIL to do the Freedom Programme. They will also help her with housing and free legal advice . You don’t mention a husband/partner for yourself . Are you on your own ? If not what does your sons father think? It is a good idea to involve the police. I know he is your son but this behaviour is dangerous to you all

Social Services are overwhelmed & at this stage this case is unlikely to cross the threshold into case management.

Start with WA & take their advice at this stage.
All of this must be distressing for you, a shock to find out that your adult is behaving so badly & hurting the mother of his child. The seeds of this behaviour lies who knows where, but it is not acceptable or excusable.

I asked in pp if your son is aware that his partner & baby are with you. I am concerned that once he finds out how much you know about his ‘secret’ behaviours that this may precipitate some form of crisis or rash behaviours.
The NDV helpline - see image above for number - can give you sensible advice about protecting you & your home, when to call the police if you become concerned about your son & his behaviour.

From what you say, your son already has some MH challenges e.g. anti-depressants, which does not excuse his abusive behaviours but he may already be receiving MH treatments that could help him if his abuse comes to light.

Other posters may know more about what I suggest next: it is not unreasonable for you, as his mother, to contact his GP to express your concern about his behaviour. No more than that. The GP may take note of your comments.

Again, it is Women’s Aid who have the breadth & depth of experience in these matters.

I wish you all the best.

BTW I rang the NDV helpline as Auntie to get the call & subject matter started & my niece came on the call once her confidence had grown.

So you can ring the NDV helpline for yourself as mum or get the call rolling for your son’s partner to step in after a few moments. Open 24 hours a day.

Very distressing. Poor girl.. So good that she is with you. I echo what others have advised.

I can’t even begin to imagine how you must be feeling. Totally devastated.

You can’t make her decision for her but you can get information on the nearest women’s refuge from their website, your local council website or citizens advice.

Suggest that she puts these phone nos into her contacts with an anonymous name against it. Try and organize an exit fund so she at least has money for a taxi and food readily available if she needs to escape.

Ideally she won’t go back now but it seems statistically that she will. She will eventually permanently leave because of the need to protect her little and you really must help her if she has no one else.

Hopefully once she is safe you can help your son to get the help he so badly needs. His pride and reputation need to take second place to her potentially life threatening situation and his long term future.

I’m sure this is totally devastating for you but do feel your immediate priority should be the baby. It’s been shown time and again that children growing up with domestic abuse suffer as though they were physically abused themselves.

You do need to involve the police I’m afraid, or at least support his partner to report. At the very least she needs a non-molestation order.

I’m sure I’m not alone in wishing you strength and courage.
All the best. ?

This may be useful:
childprotectionresource.online/if-i-report-domestic-violence-social-services-will-take-my-children/

You have had lots of good advice, but I wanted to add my very best wishes to those of Notspaghetti. It must be terrible for you, and I can only imagine the pain you must be feeling. xx

you cannot control him, he may well go on to do even worse to a subsequent partner. how would you feel then.
I think you need to make the police aware of all this.
even if they don't prosecute, they can record that he is violent, even in front of the child, so that if someone else reports abuse it will have more priority.

I want to say how I feel for you and how strong you have been
I can’t add any more than others have advised, continue to support your daughter in law and baby and help her get professional help by your encouragement but it has to cone from her I feel
Your son obviously has problems of his own which he cannot handle and have got out of hand and he needs help too A poster calling your son vile isn’t helpful his actions have been horrible and totally unacceptable but you do say they are both hot headed and volatile The fact that he is kind and caring with others doesn’t mean he is putting it on it’s the relationship itself that is toxic, they CANT be together and they both need to realise this, the fact she has left him numerous times (obviously always going back) means she hadn’t realised it up to now but hopefully this is the last straw
I truly hope they will all get the help they need
Keep yourself strong you are a lovely mother in law my very best wishes and love to you

I can't really add any more to BlueBelle's post and the advice given by others.
It must be distressing for you to know your son can behave like this, he clearly needs help too.
You have been so strong in supporting his partner and the baby, do take care of yourself as well.

just want to send you a big hug

you must be devastated xxxxx

How fortunate that you arrived as you did, even better that you took the action you did.
All children suffer emotionally and psychologically when living with domestic abuse. Babies under three are said to experience the same feelings as their mothers. You say this mum was hit when holding the baby. That's a real red flag. The baby could have been seriously physically injured never mind the emotional impact.
The Freedom Project is mentioned by a previous poster. Women's Aid will put you into touch with that, as well as provide good support for your daughter in law and yourself.

It's really up to your daughter in law whether to press charges. it's true that Children's Services are under real pressure but the fact that previous police involvement took place means there will be a record in the social work office.
Step at a time in truth. I do hope your daughter in law doesn't return again. The last evidence I saw suggested 24 attempts to separate before it actually happens. Involving Women's Aid is a good way forward. I do hope it works out for you.

The first consideration is the safety of the mother and child. Therefore, there can be no return home to your abusive son. Support her in whatever else she decides to do.

Secondly, your son needs expert help to overcome his problems, recognise the triggers and develop coping strategies to control his reactions. Seek out that help for him.

Unless the situation is compounded by drug and/or alcohol use, the fact she has left him numerous times actually means she is almost certainly getting stronger, Bluebell, not that they both need to realise the relationship is toxic.

She has been so belittled, undermined and humiliated that she probably sees herself as worthless. She has been told she can’t live without him and no-one else would put up with her. How do I know? Because this is standard behaviour of abusive partners.

And yes, of course, he is charming, “kind and caring” - he has to be able to turn this on or he wouldn’t have so much power and control.

I know, LibbyR you will love your son even though his words and actions make you feel sick, but if you want to prevent something worse than you already know, you are right to act now.
Wishing you strength and courage. X

Reading this made me feel so sad for all concerned. Your son’s partner really ought to contact women’s aid for help and support. The baby is already aware of the distress in the situation, evidenced by his distress when mum was preparing to leave and his poor settling. I wish you strength and courage as you face this tough situation ?

Also recommend woman's aid. DD2 got lots of help from them including name of good solicitor in family matters, what to do when you want partner to leave, how to protect yourself, contacting bank etc. Glad you are able to help.

Notspaghetti I have lived through domestic violence so I am very aware of how both parties feel and behave