Am I right to feel resentful?

We have a joint account for the house but the rest of our money is totally separate. However, atm, I am propping up not only the house but his costs as well and, yes, I do resent it especially as he won't entertain downsizing so I can relate to how you feel. I would suggest a joint account and that he contributes the extra for his wine - does need to be £25 for two bottles? Also why does he need that now - is his drinking increasing...........

I have always earns more and after 24 years of marriage we do not have a joint account but my husband gave me his card and number and we transfer his money into my account and all bills paid from my account, he has no interest in the finances and if he wants anything he just says and we usually buy online as we live rurally, he is not good with the internet ,has always had a manual Labour job etc, my Dad used to give all his pay in cash to my mum , who looked after the finances, he just kept a bit for small things he wanted, it works for us , maybe not for others
Could you set up a subscription for wine for him, laity waited or others paid for out of his account and then he gets wine and it doesn’t come out of the shopping budget

However long one has been married I think it’s important to be independent financially nowadays. To have one pot of money seems incredibly old fashioned to me!!! We’ve been married for 41 years. We have a joint ac for household bills into which Dh puts a certain amount each month and I actually do the paying. I buy all the food and birthday presents etc.

Tell him to buy his own.
All of our money is in one account and everything is payed from there.

Suggest he subscribes to a wine plan, and pays for it himself.

My ex husband used to do the same thing I worked part time then so wasn’t earning much and he was on a good wage, we had separate bank accounts, I would buy the shopping but when he came with me he would put ex large boxes of tea bags in as it was his turn to buy them for work and also large jars of coffee.
I really started resenting it when I was on a tight budget.
It was the beginning of the end when he would want the money for the drinks he bought me after a night out.
Thankfully my second husband and I had a joint account from the start and were earning the same wage.
These things can sound petty to outsiders but they can build up resentment.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Well if he can forget to pay you you can forget to buy it

Fortunately for me been married for over forty years and as we agreed (not verbally just agreed subconsciously) threw our money, mainly his as I earned next to nothing in a be pot. Seemed fair as I did make at at home and mainly child raising too. It always has worked for us and there is no resentment either. But everyone is different.

Doesn't sound petty at all Lesley sounds like a very mean person. I usually find that people who are mean with money are the same in other areas like emotions and love.
My ex was unbelievably mean and revelled in it, nothing made him happier than to save a penny or two or he didn't pay his way in a group etc.

Maybe he thinks that the £150 that he chips in should cover the wine? Maybe start buying the really cheap stuff?

I trust my husband implicitly, but we have separate accounts. His is joint and I use that for groceries etc. He can have any of my money he wants and historically we’ve used it for luxuries etc. I would find it very difficult to not have my own money. Nowadays our pensions go into separate accounts, but he knows what I have. I would find it very difficult for him to know what I spend on him Christmas/ birthday.Married 45 years.

Yes stop buying it,and tell him he owes you 'such&such' amount up to now- two things though, maybe he doesn't like the wine you're buying- (Or does he stipulate which it is?) so feels like he shouldnt be paying for it? Or two- maybe he feels he has been overdoing it on the wine and now wants to cut down, but maybe wont say in case you think badly of him? (He should still pay for what youve bought already though.)- Then tell him about the excellent wine merchants online he can access who will deliver, and he can choose what he likes then, and pay for it? Or as someone else said, join a wine club. As for your payment arrangements, I'm surprised yes that you do it this way, especially as he's got four times the amount you have.Its like he's hiding it from you.?

Having had a very bad, life-changing experience of a shared bank account and shared credit cards with my 1st husband (who was an alcoholic, but I was too naive when I married him to see the signs) when I married my current husband 14 years ago we agreed (he had also had a bad experience with shared bank accounts with his 1st wife) that our salaries, and now our pensions, are our own. We each pay all outgoings on our own cars. All bills and shopping come out of my bank account and each month my husband gives me an agreed sum for his half. Sometimes when there is a big expenditure e.g. a new boiler, one of us pays for it and the next time something is needed the other does. Holidays are paid for with each of us putting in half. I have 8 grandchildren and although my husband is very generous to them and to my adult children, helping them financially whenever needed, I regard the cost of their birthday and Christmas presents as my resbonsibility. I have some friends (all with long marriages) who have shared bank accounts and all money and outgoings belong to both, others whose money is their own apart from an agreed contribution each makes to a shared account for bills, others where one partner pays for food, the other for utilities and they take it in turn to pay for meals out and holidays. I think it is just a case of what works for the individual couple as long as both are happy with the arrangement. Resentment regarding money can be so destructive. If there are issues it's so important that a resolution can be amicably reached before the resentment eats away at the relationship. I know more easily said than done sometimes!

Sounds like my parents 20 years ago!! Except my mother would have been demanding the money for the wine or he wouldn’t get it!

The one concerning thing is have you thought about what happens if he dies before you? My mil was in this position and was unable to access bank accounts or money until probate was granted. We had to lend her money. Had they had a joint account accessible to both she would not have had this problem.

As others have said I would be concerned about separate financiers! Not wishing to be rude but you're both getting older and things happen, if you're partner has an accident or illness you will be stuck unable to access his account! As for the wine, he wants it he can get it!

Just add up the cost of all the wine you have bought for him and tell him this is the amount he needs to transfer to your account.
Why do you hesitate?
He brought up the arrangement and then reneged on the payments.
Just do it!!!

the kindest possibility is that he genuinely has forgotton, in which case you should be able to ask in a neutral voice for the cash you are owed, (Best if you have the receipt to show if he disputes) If there is the least resistance to paying and apologizing , dont comment if he asks you to buy more . Simply dont get it. any queries refer to unpaid bill and if he pays you in any way reluctantly add carriage and collection fee! But the main thing is that the concerns you have re the financial situation really need to be sorted. As you have retired it is a totally different ball game from when you were working. You need to get together and work out appropriate choice of way to move ahead. options could include 1. a housekeeping account from which all mutual costs are paid, for all the basics but such things as the wine are individual choice and paid for by that person 2. a recognition of the change of circumstances and therefore with you both at home a need to draw up a mutually agreeable way to go ahead. This starts by accepting your 50/50 share in dealing with chores. These can be divided in which ever way suits you so you may bargain dealing with the garden for doing the shopping or whatever appeals but make it clear that in no way are you prepared to do the majority of household tasks and that includes doing all the ordering of food or whatever. You could organise 1 day on 1 day off for meals or if he is being unco operative I suggest you politely suggest that you each do your own thing. A shared household pot of money for such things as paper bill groceries etc but then for a month just do your own thing make your own decisions , go in and out as it suits you and he does the same. Not to do this in a confrontational way but just give it a go and see what you both find appeals to you. At the end of a month or whatever time limit you want to use, have another meeting about things and see what is the way forward. At the least you should appreciate things about each other , but at best you will have recognised that this is a new country you are going into and find out a way to go together and enjoy it and learn new things. To leave things as they are seems to me to be the way to end up either totally embittered , or to lose all the pleasure you have shared together. Could it be that he has always been rather thoughtless or selfish and in a busy life you may not have noticed? If it is going to continue in this way without it being tackled and sorted out between you, I would think you may eventually split up. Better to make a decision yourself rather than just drifting into a situation that forces you to do something you may regret. But absolutely you are not there to provide him with support, services and pay for it as well. NO Way. Think of where you really want to end up. Speak to your closest friends who know you both and may tell you they have seen signs of this before or give you some other insight. Take time to think about it , write yourself a letter giving your reasons for what you want from life now and what you are prepared to do and not to do. Put it away safely and then when you are ready and calm call a meeting and sort things out. At least that way you will have been true to yourself and not just pushed into a situation by simply responding to what he is or is not doing. You will be taking control of your own life and this ultimately is what we all need to do to feel comfortable whilst respecting other peoples rights to do the same. Every good luck whatever you do

Not being familiar with posting I did so before I had finished. Apologies for not addressing the original question. Perhaps ask your husband to increase his contribution to cover the wine or if he doesn't want to then either just buy one bottle or none at all or recommend to him one of the online wine clubs to which he can pay a monthly subscription and then get his wine delivered in a box at regular intervals.

Hard to say a because, with us, we always had an account of our owns d a joint account. I earned far less always and now he has a pension and I don’t yet. I used ‘my account’ for as much as I could, but anything jointly used/needed, or I didn’t have a Pugh for, I just used the joint account. We never had this separation to begin with. You could think about a similar arrangement?

*enough for. I really should edit before posting.

Tell him you need money to buy wine. That is all there is to it, because, of course otherwise you'd have to skimp on food. And to all those speaking about joint / personal accounts - we made a joint account and closed the personal ones (it was our decision) but the Bank Manager advised us to make personal ones again, just in case anything untoward happens. So sometimes we spend from my husband's account, sometimes from mine, and sometimes from the joint one - not for anything specific, just as it happens.

We have separate finances after 28 years and it is unlikely to change anytime soon. I have very little income and it is really nice to be able to buy my husband's Birthday and Christmas stuff separately. It works for us.

What I wonder is why you don't seem able to say, "Can you transfer that money now otherwise I'll be short on money." Or, if it is going to be a regular expenditure, arrangements can't be set up for him to give you the extra with the £150. You don't need joint accounts for the finances to work between you, you need good communication. Don't sit there resenting him, just tell him you need the money.

You have a very different idea of what constitutes ‘lovely and kind’. Doesn’t sound that way to me.

We have separate finances - but we are not married. When I was married there were no separate finances.
I am the wine drinker in our house and buy it online (delivered to the door) as I know what I like - my son's, who also drink wine, buy me nice wine as presents.
Stop buying the wine - if asked just say that you can't afford it and suggest he buys it online as you don't know enough about wine to choose it.
Or buy really cheap, nasty wine next time!!!