How to let go of my adult children

I don’t think you have issues. You just love your children. When mine left home 20 years ago I felt as if I had died inside. It’s hard to stand back but it does get easier. You will never lose them.

When I chat to my AC's about any of their concerns I offer a little bit of advice, then leave them to it. Sometimes it helps, sometimes not. I think we help each other, which is how we think it should be.

Just imagine how they feel if they look at their phone and possibly think oh no, it’s her again! That’s my worst fear in my relationship with my children. Much as I loved my mother I never thought her life was relevant to mine, luckily she never interfered and I loved her all the more for it. She was just always there when I needed her.

My mother insisted on phoning me every evening after she and my father retired. At that time, I was approaching forty, had been living on my own for over 20 years and found it incredibly annoying being reduced to what felt like teenage status again.

I tried hinting that I was busy in the evenings, and tried not anwering the phone. She never took the hints. At last I just uncounectd the phone and said the next time she phoned that I hadn't heard it.

Please, do not continue as you are. Accept that you have done such a good job bringing up your children that they can manage perfectly well on their own now. I am sure they will be in touch if they need or want to speak to you.

Start going out again now that this is possible; invite friends, do anything rather than just waiting for the phone to ring.

I think I one of my sons would like to phone me every day if I could stand it. I live alone which I think inspires the thought. However, his latest ploy is to involve me in a daily contest of Wordle. Strictly by text. I rather enjoy the competitive element of this with him and he gets his daily 'fix'. The other one's calls are akin to annually!! Do not believe for one moment that one loves me a jot more than the other. Very interesting to me how different they are -and always have been - although reared identically. Lovely........

I had to remind my mother that my sister and I were old age pensioners, so really fairly capable!

My tongue has holes from having to bite it so much!?

I send my children texts every so often- just to ask how they and their families are - sometimes I may need their help with phones or the internet/computer etc - or medical problems ? (2 are doctors) might ring them now and again. 2 of them live in London and the other in Wiltshire - we are in Hertfordshire. We try to see them every few weeks I suppose - but not always possible- they are all very busy - but so are we- U3A is a good organisation to belong to - lots of interest groups - self generated- eg book clubs, play reading, family history, crafts, walking, singing, art appreciation, theatre visits, local history - there should be one in your area, this2willpass- maybe think about joining a class of some sort - Pilates, aerobics, Zumba, or take up golf? I was lucky to have been working full time when my children scarpered so didn’t really notice the gap left behind 2 of them bounced back unintentionally but soon went off again - then my father decided to move in when my mother died - so the house still seemed full. Do try to find lots to interest you - ask friends to meet for lunch, or host a Macmillan tea and cake party - maybe volunteer in a charity shop or a food bank - you will start to feel better when you fill your own time - lots of luck - let us know how you get on ??

I'm glad you have realised that your behaviour is not normal and that you will seek counselling Go out and get yourself a life

If I heard from my AC on a daily basis I'd be concerned I had not raised them to be independent beings. Let them go, they will respect you for it.

I look after my elderly mother along with my siblings,my sisters and I do most of the care side my brother is good for practical things, only to be told to my face by my mother "I don't know how I would cope without----" to say i was upset is an understatement, has anyone else experienced this.

Jules
Sorry your contribution is not appreciated

I have sadly heard it from other GN members.

Please do not lose focus of your own life - you have the right to be happy

Get more involved in your own life and there will be less time to worry about theirs.

Sorry new to gransnet

My four adult children are old enough to make their own decisions while 3 in 40’s and one nearing 40! We wouldn’t dream of giving them advice, they are all successful in their own fields! They know we would always be here for them 24/7 oh my word op I wouldn’t be contacting my Ac everyday! They have there own lives to lead

All the adviice in the world is no use because they have to do things their way make their own mistakes ,otherwise they learn nothing .
Mine both made mistakes as did I ,nothing that they couldn't fix though or get over.
Surely thats just how life is ,for all of us .We cant make their mistakes for them ,its not how it works

I agree with 4allweknow.
And with the quote; "If you love someone, set them free...."

As a mother you have spent years and years of giving advice and guidance. It's hard to stop. I would say work on stopping by getting yourself busy with a new direction. Find other interests.

Welcome Jules. If you start a thread with your problem you will get a lot of people commenting I'm sure. Perhaps in the Am I Being Unreasonable forum.

I’d hate to have to text /phone my adult DC every day . I do see my Dd every day because I live with her . I see DS1 about 3 times a week and DS2 twice a month . That’s enough for me . I have other people to see not just them ?

i had to learn very quick to let go when my son had just turned 18, we lost his dad when he was 16, so it was just me and him, he joined the TA and then 6 months later he came home one night and said he was going to iraq for 6 months, this was at the height of the war and i was so scared, but i needed to let go, a month later he was in canada for training and then to iraq, he would call me and i would hear the bombs in the background. he grew up over there and lost some friends but he came back and since then i have been here for him for advice if he asked but i do not interfere in his life, he is 35 and has a family and i feel i do not have the right to interfere, a neighbour of mine has done what you are doing and has lost her daughter and gc because she would not keep her nose out of there families business. maybe it is time you got some help, or find something to do.

Oh my goodness op sorry to say but it’s certainly not healthy it’s coming across as obsessional you can’t rule your AC lives like this! And you will do! Why on earth are you concerned about positions of rooms in the new home and where they will put the bins. Please please get help

I think the trick to letting them fly on their own is to listen to what they say, remind them the door will always be open to them, but tell them at times yes you will still be Mum and give them the benefit of your wisdom even if they dont follow your advice so they know it comes from a good place. Hold back though. It is their life to live. I doubt many of us here always followed our parents advice either. Its how we grow and learn to navigate our way through life .
Make time now for yourself.. Good luck.

As I said to my 40 year old daughter a couple of weeks ago ’You’ll always be my little girl’ and then I remembered that my wonderful Dad had said exactly the same to me!

This2willpass,
I was just wondering if your AC know how you feel about constantly worrying about them and whether they have said anything to reassure you that they are perfectly fine.
In my case to a point it's the other way round.
I hope you can let go and start to enjoy your life.