Dear Nelliemoser
You say you've got into a despairing mess with negative feelings for months.
I think you need to talk to your doctor because you sound depressed.
I second Cornergran's advice to contact family and friends . Sharing your feelings will help. Keeping a gratitude diary is a good idea too.
Doing a mindfulness course is a good idea but perhaps better postponed until you are feeling better.
You can always find some sunshine abroad if you want a holiday.
What were the first ever records that you bought and when?
Parents-in-Law. What do/did you call them?