Fallen out with a friend

notanan2 are you sure you aren’t the friend?! grin you seem to be the only one who thinks the OP is unreasonable . I thing friend is “. ‘Avin’ a laugh!”

since most posters here assume that the friends employer is paying for them to tag on a weekend break before work starts, I wish it was me! ?.

(Or that the tax man is happy to foot the bill, no questions asked!).

Its not me though. I have the money chat at the start of any trips planned with friends, as Im sure the OP will do from now on

Oh poor you! She really doesn’t sound very nice at all!

The tax man doesn't foot the bill

Are you sure you are in business and can claim expenses?

Eglantine - don't stress. It is such a pity you have lost the money on your flights but you do not need this! Don't try to talk to her about it, and what BradfordLass said about inviting you to her DH's birthday meal is spot on too.

It would be reasonable to expect to share the cost of the food and perhaps for you to buy wine as well, but she is the one who has moved the goalposts.
As for her remark about the money from your house - that would have left me speechless!

Do not fret over her.

The tax man doesn't foot the bill

A previous poster did suggest that the friend might be self employed and is claiming the whole trip against tax.

Are you sure you are in business and can claim expenses?

Why? Because I'm the only one on the thread who actually has to account for what I claim?

And no I am not in "business". Thats not the only field that has work trips

I would kind of automatically assume that if a friend was paying for the accomodation that meals would be on me & think most people would

I wouldn't.
The extra weekend without work is also a treat for the friend who wanted Eglantine's company. Dare I say it was a good, girly idea? Right from the start, if the deal had been "I book the hotel for a few days extra, and you pay for all the meals and food" that should have been mooted there and then and agreed.

I am sure Eglantine would have treated her to meals out etc, but if that was the plan, it should have been discussed, not assumed.

Not only that, the friend has changed the travel plans and made it extremely difficult and expensive for Eglantine to get to the airport. 'Doing their own thing' hen in Rome wasn't discussed either. That is an altogether different sort of weekend!

I wouldn't want to be a single woman in Rome tbh. It has wonderful sights to see, (which are nicer enjoyed and enthused about with companions) but it's very crowded and busy. All tour guides tend to tell you to beware of criminal gangs and pickpockets as well as people who will distract you whilst thieves take luggage and bags. I am not a scaredy-cat but sadly Rome, like all big cities, is full of those who might take advantage. I wouldn't wander anywhere near the station at night for all the tea in China.
Why go to Rome to find your own way about?

What a strange change of plan. I'd be angry and saddened that my friend had left me up in the air like this and turned what was going to be a weekend enjoyed together into something entirely different!

I'd be very cross and hurt Eglantine. Your friend has put you in a very difficult situation. You do not owe her an apology. I hope she appreciates in time that SHE has let you down.

What IS really strange is that she wants to do her own thing when in Rome.

(She should do as the Romans do, when in Rome, but that's just an aside....)

A weekend trip to Rome with a friend is not about doing your own thing, lunching alone and seeing sights on your own, is it?

She is seeing a colleague out there and using you for cover. She has also decided buttering up husband before she goes is a good idea.

(OK, so I have a suspicious mind.)

What IS really strange is that she wants to do her own thing when in Rome.

Not if she has got the impression that the OP sees her as a walking wallet.

I think the most likely explaination is that she wants the OP to drop out and not come at all, which doesnt fit with the cover idea.

However she should just be upfront and say so but some people dont want to be the one to call things off so make things awkward to force the other person to call it off

She has backtracked.

I wonder what happened behind the scenes she is not telling you about?

It must have been such a shock for you and I hope you recover as fast as possible.

Find something else to do to take your mind off this non trip. You have done noting wrong but don't make the mistake of continuing with this 'friendship'. It isn't a friendship and you have not lost a friend.

When someone leaves your life for whatever reason another person will turn up for you.

I would make a bet with you on that! It just makes a space for someone else to enter.

Mark my words and don't give this person another thought. Wish them health and happiness every time you think of her and how mad and upset you feel then get on with something useful even if its just cleaning the windows or buying some vege to make an interesting new dish.

Your friend is in the wrong.

I wonder what happened behind the scenes she is not telling you about?

Well this is just the way a lot of people behave these days.

They say they are "avoiding conflict" when actually they are creating it in a less direct less upfront way.

I suspect that the OP will never find out what made the friend want to pull back.

People who just make it logistically difficult to stay friends will never tell you why, they will say "well you were the one who decided not to come" and you will never ever find out what annoyed them in the first place.

No point even trying to hash things out with those kinds of people

It all seems a bit odd from your friend's side Eglantine The comment about your house sale was really out of order. I do think you should both have clarified things regarding expenses on the trip though.
The issue around her husband's birthday also seems strange, she must have realised the date. I think you should give this some time to calm down then talk to her to see what really went wrong. I think the reasons given are smoke and mirrors.

I'm so glad you did the right and sensible thing which was to phone and say you couldn't afford to go.

You have not let her down at all and your feelings of having been manipulated are spot on. Trust this feeling and well done for recognising it. The problem with manipulators is that part of the process is to leave the other person doubting their reality.

There is nothing wrong at all in stopping a friendship which we have outgrown which you have this one.

You are the one in the right here for sure Eglantine21

Real friends wouldn't do that notanan- would they?

I know my friends would tell me outright, from the start, about any spending plans. The friend ASSUMED Eglantine would be footing the food bill.. It was never a given. And she also made Eglantine's travel plans expensive and difficult - after agreeing they'd travel together from the start.

If a friend wanted to be a nasty piece of work she'd treat a pal like that - and change the arrangements too. If I had crossed wires with friends, mine wouldn't act so nastily in putting me right.

They'd chat about food and expenses, and certainly not ditch me and expect me to make new travel plans when it had been agreed we'd travel to the airport, for an early flight, from their house.

To make life awkward for a friend because they'd not discussed eating arrangements and expenses is a poor show, a nasty, spiteful move. You might understand it notanan but my friends would never spite me, nor me them, because of unspoken expectations.

tell her it was her that changed the arrangements. had you known in advance that it was her husbands birthday you wouldnt have booked.she is the one who is working,she should be paying her way ,her saying no money till monday ,what a load of hogwash.tell her enjoy the holiday as you wont be going.and tell her go get knotted. some friend ...

Real friends wouldn't do that notanan- would they?

Isnt that the point though. Sounds like the "friend" doesnt want to be friends any more. And also doesnt want the OP to go to Rome any more either.

But also wants to be able to say they werent the one who cancelled.

Its the way a lot of people operate these days. Being upfront is shied away from

Although it does sound like there wasnt much communication in the friendshio to start with

We dont know why the friend is distancing from the OP and making it difficult for OP to continue with the holiday.

Just that she is.

I am not saying that these are the actions of a friend, I am saying that these are the actions of someone who doesnt want to be friends any more. I suspect this is not just about the meals.

Oh my Lord. Gilly said it first and I didn’t really take it seriously but now some of you have got it where I didn’t. I think she doesn’t want me to come any more and it isall smoke and mirrors, even the rage.

And I think I know why she might need a change of plan.

She’d need a reason for her husband why I wasn’t going anymore wouldn’t she?

Oh oh, never saw that coming

Ah well, at least I don’t feel bad about it any more. Thanks everyone ?

I can't think of any reason why the OP was supposed to know that she was to pay for the food/meals just because the accommodation was laid on, because nothing was said.
Also Eglantine21 there is no way you spoilt the friendship, your so called friend did that all by herself.

Maybe this will release you from what is a toxic friendship. and turn out to be a blessing that you now know what this person is really like.

If it had just been a misunderstanding then the "friend" would not have been so angry. As others have said she wanted an out and she is a manipulative person best avoided.

I can't think of any reason why the OP was supposed to know that she was to pay for the food/meals just because the accommodation was laid on, because nothing was said.

By having a conversation about the plans/logistics?

As the OP said she will do in future

Oh, give her the elbow, Eglantine. Your 'friend' is changing all the arrangements that she originally proposed. It is she who has let you down, not the other way around!

And apart from all the new travel arrangements you would now have to make incurring additional expenses, plus paying for her meals for three nights, she has now said that you would both 'do your own thing during the day'!!! How does that equate to a 'cheap, chill-out weekend and having a great time'? I, for one, would hate to be on my own for three days in a strange city!

And that is the real betrayal of her 'friendly' invitation.

What's she going to be doing on those three days, while you are wandering around Rome on your tod?

(And 'forgetting' her husband's birthday is a joke!)

No, you were somehow being her patsy, and you did absolutely the right thing to cancel. It's a shame that you've lost your flight money, but perhaps a cheap lesson to learn ...?

Cut your losses - and this conniving, manipulative person from your life. I'm sure there are many who deserve your friendship more!

One simply doesn't offer overnight accommodation and a ride to the airport only to withdraw the invitation later.
If a friend invites a friend for a weekend in Rome surely it's natural to expect to enjoy each others company and explore the city together.
I doubt you would have enjoyed yourself so I think it was very sensible of you to cancel. Don't dwell on it. Perhaps you can organize an outing for yourself over the planned weekend.

Oh my Lord. Gilly said it first and I didn’t really take it seriously but now some of you have got it where I didn’t. I think she doesn’t want me to come any more and it isall smoke and mirrors, even the rage

I thought I just had a very suspicious mind by saying what I said up thread Eglantine but when you think about it, it all seems to fit and you were just being used as some kind of cover up for the husband not to suspect a thing.