Another family get together ruined

Not having been there, it is always difficult to judge but, dortie had just got in from work after a busy day. All the others had eaten so she sat down to eat her meal alone. As soon as she did this, her daughter asked her for water,
We don’t know if OP snapped at her daughter but, if she did, I think she might have been justified. It would not have hurt her daughter to wait until her mum had finished eating: it was not going to take all evening.
Maybe, had the daughter asked her mum to finish her meal and then get a drink of water, none of this drama would have happened.

DORTIE, you arranged a lovely day out for your family, went to work and came home exhausted. Surely your daughter could have asked before you finally sat down to relax. You were entitled to have a couple of drinks too.
I think maybe you should steer clear for a while and let both your mother and daughter get on with it. Life’s too short to be falling out, especially with family.

I thought it was after the meal, when OP got wine and sat down.

4 week old baby - I bet your daughter's knackered.

Having read the original post, most of my sympathies are with dortie. After a day like the one she had organised, I would have been exhausted, even when I was 64. Asking her daughter to wait for a time while she had a short rest is not unreasonable: her daughter would not have died from lack of water. When I was breastfeeding our babies, I had a drink of water or whatever after feeding, after one or two unintentionally baptised babies!! Surely daughter could have asked before dortie sat down. I also wonder why the whole family did not eat together after what appears to have been a lovely family occasion. Dortie probably needed her g&t and glass of wine after such a busy day! I would have enjoyed that, and I'm almost TT!!
I think there's a lot going on here, and we mustn't prejudge this situation. It would be lovely to hear that everything has been resolved

The were other things affecting the timing of eating - young child, baby's feeds, dad leaving for work.
I wouldn't have expected them all to wait till 8.30.

I'm assuming you love both your daughter and your mum or you probably would have distanced yourself from them.
It's good that you've had the chance to get closer to your mum during lockdown.
Are they perfect? No
Was your family life perfect? No
Are any of us without faults? No
Are there patterns of behaviour being repeated, past hurts and unresolved issues? Probably.

Forgiveness is part of love and , difficult though it is, try to forgive your mum and your daughter for what may well be unreasonable behaviour. The only person's reactions and emotions you have direct control over are yours. If you can deal with the hurt, forgive and continue to love them, and give an appropriate amount of time to help them, then anything else needs to come from them. That's not saying there may not be a suitable time to try to discuss some of these issues - but it could be a minefield.

It may even be worthwhile getting phone/face-to-face counselling to help you understand the past and present family dynamics going on and develop strategies to deal with it, which might include how to raise some of the issues directly with them.

Good luck. I hope you manage to restore/maintain a loving, two-way relationship with all concerned for everyone's benefit.

I’ve reread the OP and I interpreted it as G&T, maybe while dinner was reheating, then glass of wine with dinner, not unreasonable to me after a busy day. This is the daughters second child, if she always has biscuits and a glass of water whilst feeding, I’d of thought it would be habit to get herself both.
If it were me (hindsight is brilliant) as the 4 year old was probably asleep, I’d have declined the meal and gone straight home from work as I’d have been tired too. In future maybe don’t rush about clearing up after them, enjoy a shorter time 1 on 1 with the GC then go home.

So many red flags and questions:
1. You and your DD already do not have a good relationship. Anything else added on top of this will make it worst

2. You also do not get along with your mother

3. Your DD and her kids were visiting YOUR mother.
Do you live with your mother?
Was it ok for your mother and DD to be with them while DD and GCs were visiting?

4. The drinking - like other posters said, it is the volume of alcohol that matters. A G&T and a glass of wine the same night seems like an orange flag.

5. You, your mother and DD are together for only 2 days - clearly there is something else that is the problem because a glass of water is not the real reason why it escalated so much and so fast

6. Your DD JUST HAD A BABY. Babies that young can go fast and furious when they are hungry.
Your DD was taking care of her baby.
It is very well known that postpartum, breastfeeding and recovering from a birth is a really hard time for a mother. Add a 4 year old on top of this.
She is exhausted as well.

How did she ask for the glass of water? what exact words she said?

Why not just assisting your DD when she needed you as she was feeding her baby?

7. Background information would help clarify why a simple glass of water and your reaction to this exploded like a nuclear bomb.
What issues have you had with your mother?
What issues have you had with your DD?
How all those issues started?
This is not about a glass of water. That is the straw that broke the camel's back - death by a thousand paper cuts

worse, sorry ;(

A G&T and a glass of wine the same night seems like an orange flag.
Really?

Although I probably wouldn't have on that occasion, I don't think it would be unheard of after a very busy day.

It depends on the size of measure, of course.

I think you crammed an awful lot into that day, dortie so perhaps, unless you live there too, it might have been better to have stayed at home after work. But what's done is done and you could perhaps apologise and say to your DD " Sorry about that, I was shattered".

Totally agree with Toadinthehole. I would add that if anyone doesn' t want to talk to me ....so be it. They usually crawl back when they need something ..

Thank you all for your replies it has really helped to look at things from. different angles and I think a no drink policy when family are around is the way to go Cheers

In both your past open threads, there are huge red flags for alcoholism

In this one, you admit you drink too much and you had to move out from your mom's house
www.gransnet.com/forums/aibu/1272987-Guilt-over-my-Mum

A boyfriend of yours also raised that flag in another thread.

Good luck. dortie
I hope harmony is restored.

Goodness!
I wouldn't like anyone stalking me on threads checking up on what I do and being judgemental.

Rosequartz 39 excellent response and the only thing I would disagree with is that an alcoholic would have a hip flask with them all day as many alcoholics don’t have this behaviour. For some people even 2 drinks is enough to make them behave an think irrationally and to anyone else not drinking it can be irritating... put family resentments into the pot and you can have meltdown ! Far better if you’re not seeing someone regularly to pop that mask on and to be sweetness and light .... people can’t fight against kindness can they ?

I am not stalking. It is public information available in this forum

Feedback is only as good as the information it is based on

I'm curious as to why your Mother could not get her the drink? Is she disabled? To be honest if my daughter had been busy all day making things nice at the beach for us, clearing up, playing with children, going to work etc. I'm pretty sure I would have looked after my own daughter and told her to rest and got the water for granddaughter myself. You were not the only person in the house capable of getting a glass of water and breast feeding daughter should have been responsible for herself and made sure she had what was needed. I fear you have always been the one to fetch and carry and look after. Seems both were perfectly capable of making themselves food when they needed it but as soon as you are on the scene it's back to being princesses and servant, You've been compliant too long and they are too used to it and I feel it's shameful for them not recognising or totally ignoring that you must be tired and need a bit of time with your feet up. Sounds like they are very selfish.

Callistemon

Goodness!
I wouldn't like anyone stalking me on threads checking up on what I do and being judgemental.

Quite, Callistemon. I find some of the comments on here very judgemental anyway without previous perceived transgressions being dragged up.

Your reaction is very measured and fair, dortie. Good on you.

I sympathise with you, dortie, as it sounds like you’d had a busy day.
Whether it’s alcohol or not, I always offer a drink to others in the room if I’m getting one for myself.
If you already don’t get on with your daughter, I guess you knew what the probable outcome of refusing to get the drink of water would be. Sometimes it’s easier to do things that irritate us just to preserve the peace.
Hope you get things sorted out.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Thanks Maghiemaybe, I thought I was being a tad paranoid.

Just enjoying a Shiraz.

That's not why I can't spell! Maggiemaybe, I'm just not very good with this stylus.

I watch people flicking away with their thumbs on their phones and think 'how do they do that?'.

You were obvs pissed or well on the way

And you know this dil964 because? You were there? You're the offended daughter? The outraged mother? Or just another keyboard warrior who actually knows no more about the situation than anyone else. If "long hard looks at oneself" is the advice of the day, I'd offer it to you too.

One G&T and one wine after a busy day looking after DGD and then working.

As the OP was not in loco parentis I think that was fine.
Had she been in sole charge of the DGC then it would not be fine.