Is my partner rude to me?

I was with someone like this, opinionated, rude and arrogant. Never stayed in a job for long, so I had to pay for everything. If I said anything, it was 'none of my business' and when I left it was like a huge weight off my shoulders. I realised I had constantly been treading on eggshells, and the relief in getting away from this was overwhelming!

It seems he needs you more than you need him Shangela so of course he doesn't want you to leave. I never had any money back that was 'loaned' not a penny.

Only you know what you should do, and you have to be strong enough to do it, and don't give in to the emotional blackmail.

Elizabeth1

Sorry everyone I’m not sure I agree with most of your posts. After a long time being married experience has taught me to listen more and learn sometimes to keep my mouth shut I too can give an opinion different from himself doesn’t mean to say I’m rude perhaps keeping mum will help! there’s worse things at sea as they say - grow a pair you’ll get through this.

Well it your choice but I would not stay in a relationship where I had to learn to keep my mouth shut.

It really doesn't matter if he has a mental health issue, a partner should make you feel better about yourself not worse. His behaviour is bullying and undermining. Please leave and find someone who deserves you.

PM sent

Shangela A close family member was treated like this and it completely undermined and over the years took all her confidence. She should have left but didn’t and ended up feeling totally inadequate and too anxious to do anything about it. This is emotional coercion which is highly damaging. It’s early days for you, and time to get out of this situation,

I hope you can get the strength to untangle yourself very soon. This is what you need to do. I think you know this.
Really, once you are your own person again, you will look back and see this was a mistake even if today you are uncertain.

You say It's hard to leave after a year - well it will get harder as time goes by because your confidence and courage will be chipped away by this person.

Whose home is it? If you have been supporting him I'm assuming you have some sort of income.
You can do this. Don't keep putting it off. I'm sorry that living together didn't work for you but now is the time to say so.

Thinking of you and wishing you all the very best.

P.S. don't just stay out of pity.
That isn't a good foundation for a relationship.

People will only treat you badly if you let them. I would not stay a moment longer, it will only get worse. You’ll lose your confidence and self esteem then be to afraid to leave. Please take the advice we’ve all given.

Shangela, he is a controller! this just the beginning of worse to come. Being affectionate after his bad behaviour towards you is his plan to regain your trust , build you with hope , so he can crush you again. Do not be so willing to imagine he will change - he won't! Please don't think he would behave differently with someone else because that is not the case, he would continue his behaviour. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!? Please bear that in mind and escape before the situation escalates. Once you are away from him you will be able to ' step back' and clearly see what is happening now. You know you are worth so much more than this. Good luck , you are better on your own and who knows you may meet someone who gives you the respect you deserve. Either way build yourself a new life away from him. Like is too short and precious to waste !

I feel for you Shangela. Your mind must be all over the place. I’ve been there and once I realised that it wasn’t me, it was him, I left and my life changed so much for the better. But when you’re in it you can’t see the wood for the trees.

You know deep down what you need to do.

Stop being a crutch for this bigot. Everyday that you stay with this knob you are digging a deeper hole for yourself. Get out whilst you have the energy to do so. Ohhhhh, why do women out up with this kind of sh*t?

Shangela123 please read your OP and try to read it as if someone else had posted it.You havent been together long,and this is supposed to be the "honeymoon" Loved up period but instead it's you being corrected.I wonder where it will end? Disliking how you speak,then what you wear or cook.Laughing at things you didn't know,is not nice behaviour.I see this as a beginning of Coercive control.Its him,not you and you wouldn't have written the OP if you weren't already concerned.For me the biggest and most important thing in any relationship is "respect" and he clearly has very little respect for you.

fannycornforth Please don't be sad & upset by the Autistic spectrum suggestion.
AS is workable - for some. Gaslighting is not. Knowing what you're dealing with helps.
Would Relationship Counselling help?
Some men look to the men they've known - or even seen on TV as role models. Maybe he needs to learn new rules of social interaction?
This would give him more confidence & re-balance your relationship?

It takes more than a year to get to know someone, you are lucky to have found out what he is like early on before babies come along.

Get out now.

You should be in the romantic, everything is wonderful stage at just one year, not doubting your own capabilities and intelligence. This man is a failure in education, relationships, work and will try to drag you down to make himself feel better. Forgive the amateur psychobabble from me, but please leave him, life is too short and you don't want to get deeper into the toxic relationship with this man. Write off the money he owes you if you can, and just get out. Being scared to open your mouth for fear of being mocked is not the way to live. There have been brave women on here who have walked out of 30+ year marriages for the same reason, don't leave it as long as they have, do it now before there are children to consider. He would probably demean and humiliate them as well.

At best, this man doesn't respect you, at worst there are some very big red flags regarding this man's behaviour. Either way, it is probably not a relationship you should continue. People who are "overly sensitive" are ideal targets for emotionally abusive partners because they are uncertain about their own emotions.

there’s worse things at sea as they say - grow a pair you’ll get through this.

What appalling advice blaming the injured party. If someone is regularly putting you down, why do you have to grow a pair? That's the sort of advice that keeps the abused with the abuser. Yes, everybody is allowed their own opinion but surely the way you express it is what counts. If you are belittling someone, you are unkind. If you can't be yourself in a relationship, it isn't the right relationship. If someone is well aware of their faults but does nothing to change them even though they know it, that makes them selfish. None of those traits make for a happy relationship.

Putting up with it as one poster suggested, MAY be suitable advice if you have small children and/or financial insecurities which cannot be immediately resolved, but this is a new relationship, why would you? Just leave him, get on with your life, he will not change.

It sounds rather unequal - it's all right for him to be picky with you but if you behave in the same way he doesn't like it. A good relationship is give and take - you treat each other as you would like to be treated. Perhaps you bring out the worst in each other - it sounds like you are treading on eggshells and that's no basis for a partnership. I think you would be happier without him. Don't be afraid of being by yourself as it is better to be alone than with someone who brings you down.

You seem a lovely tolerant lady, but this is abusive behaviour.
If he is not capable of stopping or willing to stop, you must protect yourself by leaving.

Shangela I agree with the view that this man will gradually chip away at your confidence and leave you feeling low and anxious all the time.

It is a shame that he has issues himself but he can't resolve those issues by making someone else feel horrible. He needs to get some help rather than pick on you.

If it's like this after only a year, imagine what it will be like in years to come.

All the things you mention would certainly irritate me if my husband behaved like this.

In your place, I would take your partner up on this behaviour, as and when it occurs if you and he are alone that is. Explain that you find it hurtful and demeaning.

A comment such as "Do these actually work" while pointing to his ears or yours because you misheard him, is both juvenile and insulting. However, before telling him so, you might just want to consider whether your hearing is deteriorating. If it is not, then you have the perfect answer the next time, he is so rude. You tell him you have consulted the doctor and your hearing is just fine, so will he please stop mumbling?

Is the relationship so good that you are prepared to put up with his rudeness?

If not, you either have to get him to change, or you need to leave fairly soon. The longer you remain the harder it will be to either get him to see your point of view about this, or to leave him.

Your description of this man reminds me so much of my ex partner. He was forever putting me down in the way you describe. We were together for 17 years, -on and off,- and it never got any better. I would urge you to leave now if you can find the courage. I hope you have family or friends who will help you.

I don't think there was enough info. in your post for a definitive reply.

It's possible that he is and always will belittle you and that you should leave immediately. It's also possible that you actually do have some irritating communication habits, that his comments are not that frequent or something else.

Therefore, if you aren't ready to leave the relationship right now, in-between options are also available.

One is, of course, counseling, together or alone.

Another is to simply stand up for yourself in the moment and see how that goes. If you have reason to fear saying something back to him, that's a clear danger sign. Or could you use assertiveness training? Does he speak to everyone he's close to like this?

If my husband spoke to me that way, he'd probably think twice the next time because he would get it right back. Again, can't tell for sure what all's going on here from just a few paragraphs but whether with this guy or in life generally, not allowing people to disrespect you is an important skill to learn. Let us know how it goes.

If you don't feel safe standing up for yourself when you feel put down, that's definitely a sign that it's time to leave the relationship or at least start taking steps that way, perhaps even just with with an internet search of "abuse" to learn more about it.

Otherwise, when you don't like the way he speaks to you, shut his azz down. For example, you could say, "yeah, you don't talk to me like that." Or "Before we continue, you can apologize for your rudeness." If it continues, say something like, "This conversation is over" (then get up and leave the room).