How to find happiness in yourself when you are in a turbulent marriage

The answer to your question is that you can’t find happiness in your marriage and neither will your child. I can’t imagine why you think you can. You can play him at his own game and become the same as him, you can ignore it and your child will pick up on unacceptable behaviour. You can keep going away but you have to come back. You can argue and provoke won’t make any difference. Is anything worth losing yourself for or for your child’s happiness.
Sorry I don’t mean to sound hard but that is the reality.

Your husband is abusing you. The silent treatment is passive aggression and just part of his armoury in his effort to control you. I grew up in a household where my mother would stop talking to my father for weeks on end over the smallest things. My father was a lovely man and it still pains me now to think how miserable she made him.

If you are in the UK it’s highly unlikely your husband would be granted 50% custody of your daughter. I think you have to make it your mission now to start the diary, start putting money aside and contact as many women’s organisations as possible to find out your rights and the best way forward.

Life really is too short to continue in this controlling, abusive marriage plus your daughter doesn’t need to be brought up in such an unhealthy atmosphere.

Good luck.

Don’t assume your husband will have the access to your child that you imagine. My child was 7 when his abusive father walked out. He didn’t want to see his father and the court social worker recommended that his father kept in touch by letters and birthday cards etc only. That was how it stayed. Court social workers are excellent at gently finding out how a young child feels. I too urge you to leave this controlling man. With a small child to look after you are not in a position to make any sort of life for yourself outside this marriage other than when you’re at work. In my experience it’s impossible to create happiness for yourself and your child within an unhappy marriage.

You could always phone Women's Aid for advice, they will have dealt with thousands of cases like yours. I'd speak to them and seek advice from a solicitor.

Please do these things to get a clearer picture of the options for yourself and your daughter.

You cannot have an absolute normal life and stay with your husband. Are you able to have friends round? Will your child be able to have friends round? How will you feel when you see other married couples in a true partnership situation? You will feel incredibly sad. And how will you feel at the end of your life having missed out on a loving relationship? You can be strong and stick it out but it will be at a price. Only you can decide if you are prepared to pay this.

I forgot to mention this because it was late at night when I responded to your post. You said you have a supportive family you are fortunate. If your family can help you in any practical way that will be a support and comfort to you and your daughter. You will have to spend time at your solicitors and other agencies for advice this is where your family can help you with your daughter.

Your husband will not get equal access to your daughter this does not necessarily always happen. Access will have to fit into what is practical for you and your daughter work nursery etc.
If you are advised to attend family court as I was limited access can be given but it does depend on the circumstances. There is no way I can say this will be an easy time. The reward will come later when you and your daughter are safe and happy.

I totally understand your fears about divorce and his getting 50/50 contact of your daughter. That happened to someone very close to me a few years ago but staying with him will only get worse and you and your daughter deserve peace of mind...

Contacting woman's aid is very good advice they'll advise and help you then I'd say confide in a level headed member of your family one who can support you and your daughter till you're ready to leave this man because staying will result in mayhem.
Take your time and chat to those who can help you.

You can with the right help protect your daughter. I do know that's what you're biggest fear is.

My sister stayed in a relationship like this and as her children got older, they got the same treatment as she did. It affected them very badly and they blamed her for not protecting them from him. Although he is now dead, she still doesn't have a good relationship with them. tbh I always thought she was a coward but she was actually brain washed until she lost all confidence in herself. Leave!

For myself I walked on eggshells for about 6 months and I left with two small children aged two and four and never regretted it.. I remember when he was due home from work I would say to the children just be quiet when daddy comes in and it was absolutely awful for all of us. you seem to have given this a lot of consideration and you must do what is right for you but as I say I could not tolerate living like that. I wish you well in whatever decision you make

You have made a choice to stay - fine - that is what YOU want to do.

Now start thinking about your daughter. She will be scarred by this dreadful relationship - living in an atmosphere of tension is torture for a child. I know about this - I was that child.

What message will you be sending out to her as she gets older and observes what is going on? ... it is OK for a woman to live in thrall to a man's whims and moods - is that what you want for her?

Your post is about ideas to focus on yourself and build yourself up. You are a parent - it is a massive responsibility. Please focus on your child and build her up.

My dad was fond of the silent treatment towards my mum never us kids though. Mu. Would start opening drawers, lifting cupboards as though looking for something and eventually dad would say what are you looking for, she would rey, ah I've found it, your voice!!! Lol it was a tactic she used rarely as she had to make sure he had forgotten the previous time. It broke the ice between them and they would end up laughing.

The poster has made it very clear that she does not want to leave her husband, and she is right in that divorce can be exchanging one set of problems for another. She is not ready to face that yet.
So to answer the question 'how to find happiness within herself': she needs to develop and build up her self-esteem in various ways. Here are some suggestions.
Focus on job satisfaction, which she seems to have already, and look out for ways of improving her credentials for the time when she may increase her hours.
Look to getting extra qualifications; successful studying boosts one's ego and brings pleasure in itself.
Develop a network of friends to have simple fun with, (coffee, walks in the park etc), away from the oppressive atmosphere at home.
Read, exercise, paint, garden, whatever brings you pleasure; build up personal small achievements without reference to the marriage.
Take pride in yourself.
Take comfort in small things.
Save as much money as possible and keep a record of incidents in the marriage, but not obsessively.
These are short term measures but may help the poster to face the reality of her marriage, since I doubt if things will improve.
Be prepared for the husband to leave abruptly.
I also noticed the reference to the in-laws.

I am seeking advice from those that have perhaps been married for a number of years and have experienced the highs and lows of marriage but persevered.

FridayIsComing what you describe are not the highs and lows of a normal marriage.
Those would be surviving the bad times as well as the good times together, not always agreeing (even having strong arguments) but in the end reaching compromises.

I agree with the wise advice of the majority of posters.
This is not a healthy atmosphere for your child.

All great answers here for you to read but I bet you still stay with him. Think about the pattern that you are setting for your child. My first husband was very abusive after we got married and it turned physical until I ended up at 6.5 stone - a mental and physical wreck. When I left he would cry and I would go back only to be thrown around the house like a rag doll. Please get out now while your child is small they wont thank you for staying if you leave when they get older. You have a life and stop wasting anymore of it. If you go to a solicitor now and ask for advice you will get some idea of what is to come. I did that and it really helped. Who says that he will get 50/50 of the time with your child? As others have said, put together a diary. Go to the doctors and have it recorded. Tell others so that you have back up and witnesses. Gather your information and strength and I wish you well but please do not stay with this abusive pig.

How many times have we heard people say they wish their parents hadn’t stayed together ‘for the sake of the children’, they wish they had divorced?

FridayIsComing, you have made up your mind to stay because of how you expect splitting would affect your relationship with your child. You will not be the first to do that. It was quite common, in the past, for people to say you should stay for the sake of the children.

However, at some point, your daughter will be older and able to decide for herself how much she sees of each of you and eventually she will leave. May I suggest that you work towards when you will be able to live apart from your husband and still have the relationship with your daughter that she wants with each of you?

My advice is that you start working towards the day you are independent of your husband. Working will mean working as hard as you can, outside the home, to become financially independent. Doing this may change your perspective. It may make you feel you want to be out of the relationship quicker or that you have managed to balance it.

I wish you well. Remember, we generally do not regret the things we do, only the things we don't do.

DaisyAnne - that is so true - we always regret the things that we don’t do.

My 2 adult children from my abusive marriage are now estranged from me so I feel that I put up with all of that rubbish for nothing. I should have left when they were small and unable to remember the years of misery.

Many people stay in difficult marriages for various reasons but I bet none has ever found happiness in themselves during that time.

You can learn to rub along, put up with each other, grit your teeth, play the game, bide your time, etc - it's what I did for 25 years.

But you will not find happiness for you and your daughter - it's simply not possible.

I think that anything you do to try to cope with this awful situation will be spotted by your husband and squashed so that you stay the meek wife and Mother.
He doesn’t want you to be upbeat in spite of him, he wants you as you are now, obedient.
So very sad, but you are the only one that can change this for you and your child and if you have another child the situation will become far worse.

Did you think having a child would make things better? Surely if things are that bad the child is going to pick up on it, maybe not now but as she grows up it will be teaching her that a bad marriage is better than none at all.

Sorry, but I have to ask the question that nobody else will; why on earth did you think it was a good idea to have a child with this man?

The replies on here are unanimous, you must prepare to leave for the sake of your child, and your own mental health, there are no merits, no benefits at all to staying where you are unhappy, take control, get planning and get a new life. Nobody on here is going to tell you how to navigate an abusive marriage. Please leave him

Don’t blame OP for having had a child. I did that 15 years into an abusive marriage. I wanted a child and knew the clock was ticking. The marriage survived a further seven years. By then divorce didn’t have the stigma it did in the earlier years of my marriage. I will have my precious child forever.

Fair point GSM.

Thanks Gill.

Wow!
What don't you understand about her having decided to stay?
He's very insecure.
I have stayed in a similar situation for 63 years, but recently things have mellowed and we've finally found contentment.
I 'divorced' him in my mind, but stayed with him as his employee. I regarded myself as his live-in housekeeper/nanny. I treated him as my employer and set myself a timetable of working for him (you will need to filter in your working hours at your job). I also imagined what I would earn from him, less board and lodging, and jotted it down - it kept me amused for months until I got bored with it.
Don't bother with day to day chat about your daughter, don't ask him about his day, you don't need to be nice to him - he obviously thinks he fine as he is, who knows?
If he puts you down in company, look at another female and roll your eyes.
He's not going to change, but its time those egg shells were swept away and you started pleasing yourself, not him -- and this can be done within a marriage as well as out of it. You don't need a divorce to live apart.
No one's mentioned your sleeping or sexual relationship, only you know how important that is to you, but be careful you don't set yourself up for rejection in this area by being needy.
Things like the 'sweety' incident are hard to ignore I'd try to deal with again as though he was your employer, your not very friendly employer, tell her with a smile - "say thank you to Daddy" but later remind her to "pop upstairs and clean your teeth when you've finished". No accusing looks.
It takes years and its not a miracle cure, but it was my way of keeping my self esteem - and I grew to know I was a better person than him.