How to find happiness in yourself when you are in a turbulent marriage

Well done Friday. It sounds like the fog is clearing for you and you are beginning to see your way forward.

It's OK to take your time, to get your ducks in a row before making your move, in fact doing so will make the transition go more smoothly for you. When I said get out asap, I didn't mean just grab your stuff and go, I meant get yourself organised and in a strong position first. Obviously the sooner the better but these things can take time to plan and organise.

Wishing you lots of luck. There is a better life waiting for you and your daughter. Just stay strong and focussed and you will get there.

I unfortunately put up with that behaviour until he was physically abusive do not wait until then.

the bottom line is that you don't love him. how can you contemplate staying so ruining both lives.
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It sounds like you’re moving in the right direction, but please don’t wait too long. It’ll be much harder once your daughter starts to remember more.

All the best and take care.

Friday you have made a start,
Well done. Have your ducks in a row but maybe don't wait for a "perfect row"! Otherwise there will always be a "duck" that is stopping you making the jump! Do let us all know how you are getting on as you start this journey

Friday, you certainly have achieved a great deal within the confines of your marriage and that should make you proud. I understand your fears about your daughter. I didn't experience much of this from my ex-husband, other than idle threats, but I have seen the extent controlling husbands will go to to pursue their ex-wives over custody of their children, insisting on separate appointments for consultations, personal invitations to every event in school, complaints about their work, culminating in written reports for court hearings about custody.

Have you confided in your mother about your husband's silent treatment? She believes him to be the supportive husband, but if you tell her she may pick up signals of his controlling behaviour, although I bet it doesn't happen when anyone else is around. Tell your doctor also, so you have a written record from a professional.
As to being told when to clean the skirting boards, the response is: yes, why don't you? and a discourse on why Fairtrade food doesn't serve the purpose for which it was intended.

I’m pleased you can clearly see how much you have achieved. Unfortunately over time controlling man clouds your vision and erodes your confidence as the control seeps into more and more areas of life. I speak from experience.

I hope you can confide in your parents and enlist their support. I know how difficult it is - typically women feel ashamed to admit that they suffer this sort of treatment. I didn’t confide in my parents until my husband left. I didn’t tell anyone. I really wish I had. Don’t make my mistake.

You seem to feel that you should understand his need to behave as he does. Don’t feel that way. His personality is what it is and trying to understand it will get you nowhere.

I would suggest that you see a good divorce lawyer as soon as you can, as a part of lining up the ducks. Be absolutely honest with him/her about your husband’s behaviour. I know it’s very difficult to pull no punches about your marriage but it’s essential. The solicitor will be able to give you good advice about custody arrangements in your particular circumstances. This will be money well spent.

I hope you can get the ducks sufficiently lined up to enable you to enjoy a happier life outside your marriage before long.

Thank you everyone.

Having read all your further posts I can fully understand now why you are staying You say maybe he has a disorder and that went through my brain at one point but if he had he wouldn’t be able to switch it on and off he would be controlling to everybody so I think that’s out of the equation

He obviously has a very good side he’s kind and helpful to your relatives ( they don’t challenge him though)
He s a hands on excellent dad (at 2 she doesn’t challenge him what happens when she does, because she will)

You are a strong intelligent woman, you are a huge challenge to him, so he has to do all he knows how, which is to put you down, unnerve you, put you on the wrong foot, and control you with his punishment which is every bit as bad as hitting you to keep you in line
Can you continue counselling for you
Also if you could private message the lady on MN and maybe get support and understanding from someone who has been there, that could help
You are well and truly trapped at the moment but it won’t always be like it
You sound a lovely very sensible, clever, strong lady hang in there nothing goes on for ever

Ps as well as a secret fund keep yours and daughters important papers and passports in a safe secret place I know it sounds dramatic but dads can and have taken children away and left the mother behind

When you are being abused (which it is - silent treatment etc.) Your child is also being abused by watching their mother being treated this way.

Could you stand up to him rather than agree? I had a controlling boss once. I did everything to appease him but it was never good enough. One day I told him don’t you ever speak to me like that again! He was thoroughly taken aback and we got on better after that. I realise it’s not the same but you must fight fire with fire. Let him know you won’t put up with the comments or the silent treatment. My DH tried sulking when we first got together and I told him he needn’t bother as I don’t respond to sulking and eventually he stopped doing it. On another point I wonder why there seem to be so many bullies these days.

Skydancer it is my belief that so many bullies/controllers are unaware of the effect their behaviour can have on others.

I strongly suspect that women and men who bully/control are deeply unhappy and have been this way for many years; yet get away with it in the workplace because people leave and others who are not so affected have other things to worry about ..such as not rocking the boat or just keeping their jobs.

That is work though and I think it is the case now that women in particular are less likely to “put up and shut up” in their own homes.
There are, it seems to me nowadays, many malcontents who thrive on offloading their misery by trying to transfer it on to others, especially if they detect a chink of vulnerability in some area of their “victims” personality, by “gaslighting” and manipulation.

You are being abused Get help ASAP Phone the Police report domestic violence tell them you're afraid of him and being coercively controlled Get him removed get legal help involve Women's Aid If you won't do it for yourself do it for your child !