How to find happiness in yourself when you are in a turbulent marriage

I left an abusive marriage ( this is what you are in!) when my children were adults and independent but I so wish I had left when they were children. He made me think I would never manage without him. I did and was so much happier .

Divorce was stressful but I got a restraining order against him as he became violent as well as controlling and that was when I left. My children still love me and we have a good relationship but I was lucky this happened as they are scarred and they remember many things I hoped they wouldn’t.

Don’t do this to your daughter she deserves better ( as do you) don’t stay, leave and protect her.

What a waste of a life ExDancer.

Germanshepherdsmum

What a waste of a life ExDancer.

I agree. Ironically, if I was the OP, the post by ExDancer detailing the minutiae of 63 years of a wasted life would be my reason for leaving my husband

You are wasting your life OP

I feel so sorry for you, but please, please take a long term view. If your child is only 2, you sound quite young, with many years of life ahead of you. "Walking on eggshells" is no way to live a happy life. Your anxiety levels will always be raised, and you won't ever feel fully relaxed. Don't cage yourself with this man if you can't be comfortable with him on a daily basis. Seek advice and find a way to leave this relationship. You and your daughter deserve a better life.

ExDancer what you've detailed is how you managed your life over 63 years - what you didn't say was that you found happiness throughout this time, not day to day minutiae but happiness.

The OP asked how to find happiness within her marriage - most of us seem to think that's not possible.

I haven’t read any other posts...but this is not going to end well if you stay. You shouldn’t have to put up with a bad marriage. It should be about love and respect. There doesn’t sound like there is any here.

Take your little girl, while she is too young to remember anything.....and go. You have all the rights as a mother, as we’re just finding out with our son.

Don’t waste another minute on this man. All the best.

I think we need to remember that the OP has decided to stay with her husband, and whereas that may not be what we would do, we don't know all the reasons behind her decision. They may be cultural, for instance, or there may be other valid reasons why she has decided to stay.

As Riverwalk points out, the OP specifically asked for advice about how to make the best of the situation she is in, and whatever we feel that we would do about going or staying, I think we should respect her decision to stay put.

Doodledog

I think we need to remember that the OP has decided to stay with her husband, and whereas that may not be what we would do, we don't know all the reasons behind her decision. They may be cultural, for instance, or there may be other valid reasons why she has decided to stay.

As Riverwalk points out, the OP specifically asked for advice about how to make the best of the situation she is in, and whatever we feel that we would do about going or staying, I think we should respect her decision to stay put.

Yes, I did see this. My point is...I don’t believe there is a way she can stay with him, and make the best of it.

Sometimes, the only answer is perhaps the one you don’t want to hear. None of this is fair on the child.

GillT57

Germanshepherdsmum

What a waste of a life ExDancer.

I agree. Ironically, if I was the OP, the post by ExDancer detailing the minutiae of 63 years of a wasted life would be my reason for leaving my husband

Both these short posts make big points.

GSM thanks for the post on this thread and on similar where you were open about what must have been a difficult time in your life. To read your positive comments about Cafcass/family court advisors/children’s guardians must give support .

FridayIsComing
What are you going to do when he dictates:
What you wear.
Where you go.
Who you talk to.
Alienates your family and friends.
Forbids you to go to work.
You might be shaking your head at the above but believe me, there’s more chance of it happening than not.

Thanks Iam. I must confess I felt I had really failed my son having to take him to the court social worker as his father was insisting on contact. I will always remember walking to the social worker’s office, holding my son‘s hand. I needn’t have worried. He was such a kind man and the result couldn’t have been better. It’s testimony to how good he was that my son has no memory at all of the appointment. I will always be grateful to that man.

GSM it’s your kind of feedback that keeps the family court team functioning positively.

Wishing you all good luck. A word - before he knows what you are about, please see a solicitor and work out your terms. Having a controlling and verbally abuse husband is dreadful. |Mine was a "Jolly good chap" to all those he met and they would never have believed how vile he was. Still, he is long gone and |I am becoming the person I once was again! Fly free.!!

Thanks again Iam. It was one of the best things I ever did. My son blossomed once he stopped (of his own volition) seeing his father. His teachers commented on the change. All thanks to that very clever and gentle man.

Yes they tend to be jolly good chaps to others, don’t they? Jekyll and Hyde.

Germanshepherdsmum

What a waste of a life ExDancer.

Gosh yes....so sad. What’s the point?

Doodledog 'staying and making the best of it' is often a sign of how completely the abused person is cowed and under the thumb of their abuser that they have come to believe either, his threats that even if she goes he will always pursue her. or when he is at his 'most persuasive' that she really could not manage without him and the harm it would do to their child.

Doodlebug if staying in an abusive marriage then you cannot make yourself happy the two do not fit together they just don’t meet , staying will just be a continuation of what happens now it won’t change and she will not find happiness or contentment so if Friday is determined to stay she must expect many years of continuation of this therefore there is no positive answer to her query

You’re right there BlueBelle. When such a big and important part of your life is unhappy it is impossible to find happiness in my experience, except in your work and with your child (to the extent that the controlling person doesn’t spoil that too - for instance the sweetie comment).
I hope the comments here will make OP rethink her decision to stay.

I understand what you are saying Friday and your reasons for staying with this man. However, I would just add this to all of the useful posts above, think about it long and hard and do not get to the point 40 years down the line when you had wished you had done something different.
The past cannot be changed but the future can.
Good luck.

M0nica

Doodledog 'staying and making the best of it' is often a sign of how completely the abused person is cowed and under the thumb of their abuser that they have come to believe either, his threats that even if she goes he will always pursue her. or when he is at his 'most persuasive' that she really could not manage without him and the harm it would do to their child.

Yes, I know. And in my first post I did point out the impact on her daughter, and say that I do have some experience of being around someone who sounds very similar, so I don't think there is much chance of him changing. I also think that in the same circumstances I would leave, although my own marriage is not like that at all.

My point is that when someone asks for specific advice, says that she has considered other options and discounted them for reasons of her own we should respect that. If we don't, and if we keep telling her that she should do exactly what she has said she doesn't want to do, it could deter others from posting about what they perceive to be controversial or difficult situations, as there would seem to be no point.

FridayisComing.

As the daughter who was brought up in the exact circumstances you describe I cannot urge you strongly enough to think again. If not for yourself, then for your daughters sake.

I am sorry to be blunt, but if you truly love your daughter and have her best interests at heart then make that move, as soon as you can.

Get your ducks in row, gather information, open a private bank account if you haven't already done so to give yourself some "escape money". See a solicitor to find out your rights.

I am 70 and back in the day women were trapped in abusive relationships, no money, no where to go. My mother had no choice but to endure but its not like that now. There is help for you.

You have a well paid job so can support yourself and your daughter and the courts are now much more aware of abusive and controlling spouses, especially if you can provide evidence. So keep a diary. Log everything, keep a record of texts, even record any instances of verbal or physical abuse on your phone.

At the moment your husband is only controlling and manipulating you but you can be sure he will start on your daughter the minute she finds her voice and utters the word "no".

Even if he doesn't and he treats her like a Princess, do you think she won't notice the way he treats you. What lessons do you think she will learn.

Don't be fooled into thinking you can play this sick game of "Happy Families" and that you can find a measure of peace and happiness within your marriage. You can't.

Don't be a martyr, dont throw your life away but more importantly please safeguard your daughter. Give her the protection she deserves.

My mother didnt protect me and whilst I understood why she couldn't and whilst I adored her, it didn't stop me from resenting her at times. And it did affect my relationship with her.

I had to learn to distance myself from her, leaving home very early purely to escape. Whilst I never denied my parents access to my children (their grandchildren) I continued to maintain that distance in order to protect them from his cruelty.

Visits were less frequent than I know she would have liked but she gave me no choice. My duty was to my children, to keep them safe. And whilst I hate to rub salt in your wounds it is your duty as a mother to protect your daughter.

If you don't, you will pay the price further down the line. You may well end up alienating your daughter and losing her love and respect.

I know you are afraid and you think you are doing the right thing by keeping quiet and not raising your head above the parapet but sadly you are mistaken. It Is not the way out of this mess.

Sacrificing yourself on the altar of a marriage that is toxic is not the answer,

I don’t think OP would have had more than one response if people didn’t try to get her to think again about her decision Doodledog. I hope the experiences of others will cause her to reconsider. We have given her food for thought. It’s not an exam in which we must ensure our answers are absolutely to the point and don’t stray beyond what the examiner is seeking!

Oh come on. I didn't suggest anything of the sort.

I was just . . . . oh, it doesn't matter.