How to find happiness in yourself when you are in a turbulent marriage

Germanshepherdsmum

I don’t think OP would have had more than one response if people didn’t try to get her to think again about her decision Doodledog. I hope the experiences of others will cause her to reconsider. We have given her food for thought. It’s not an exam in which we must ensure our answers are absolutely to the point and don’t stray beyond what the examiner is seeking!

... I second that.

The Family Court is now VERY focussed on controlling behaviour and its impact on not only the recipient but also the children involved. Google Practice Direction 12J and www.childcontactlaw.family or any of the other postings by specialist Family Law solicitors
to see the way in which the court now analyses this behaviour and stops the abuser from having contact until he or she recognises and changes attitudes.

DerbyshireLass

FridayisComing.

As the daughter who was brought up in the exact circumstances you describe I cannot urge you strongly enough to think again. If not for yourself, then for your daughters sake.

I am sorry to be blunt, but if you truly love your daughter and have her best interests at heart then make that move, as soon as you can.

Get your ducks in row, gather information, open a private bank account if you haven't already done so to give yourself some "escape money". See a solicitor to find out your rights.

I am 70 and back in the day women were trapped in abusive relationships, no money, no where to go. My mother had no choice but to endure but its not like that now. There is help for you.

You have a well paid job so can support yourself and your daughter and the courts are now much more aware of abusive and controlling spouses, especially if you can provide evidence. So keep a diary. Log everything, keep a record of texts, even record any instances of verbal or physical abuse on your phone.

At the moment your husband is only controlling and manipulating you but you can be sure he will start on your daughter the minute she finds her voice and utters the word "no".

Even if he doesn't and he treats her like a Princess, do you think she won't notice the way he treats you. What lessons do you think she will learn.

Don't be fooled into thinking you can play this sick game of "Happy Families" and that you can find a measure of peace and happiness within your marriage. You can't.

Don't be a martyr, dont throw your life away but more importantly please safeguard your daughter. Give her the protection she deserves.

My mother didnt protect me and whilst I understood why she couldn't and whilst I adored her, it didn't stop me from resenting her at times. And it did affect my relationship with her.

I had to learn to distance myself from her, leaving home very early purely to escape. Whilst I never denied my parents access to my children (their grandchildren) I continued to maintain that distance in order to protect them from his cruelty.

Visits were less frequent than I know she would have liked but she gave me no choice. My duty was to my children, to keep them safe. And whilst I hate to rub salt in your wounds it is your duty as a mother to protect your daughter.

If you don't, you will pay the price further down the line. You may well end up alienating your daughter and losing her love and respect.

I know you are afraid and you think you are doing the right thing by keeping quiet and not raising your head above the parapet but sadly you are mistaken. It Is not the way out of this mess.

Sacrificing yourself on the altar of a marriage that is toxic is not the answer,

Spot on .... to the outside world our family was fine ... but for those inside, especially us vulnerable children, it was a nightmare.

As an adult I can understand better what was happening and why, but being in such a tense atmosphere and being a pawn trapped in this sick game when young and powerless ..... believe me it never leaves you.

You have made the choice to play the game of Happy Families when you know all is not right. You think that by expanding your life you can find satisfaction; but your child cannot do this. She is stuck in this - she has not choice, She is learning every moment about human relationships, and she is learning something that is highly distorted. If you think she will not find this uncomfortable, you are entirely wrong.

She will gradually realise that this is not how all families are; that the outward show is not the reality - and she will find it very very puzzling. Keeping up a pretence that all is well is not something that a child should be burdened with.

You have calculated what you see as the solution - but your child needs to be in that calculation - centre stage.

You are young now - you have the chance to help your child have a healthy upbringing - it is too late after the event.

To quote your original post: I walk on egg shells

Do you really think that your child will not notice this? That she will not be under stress from this? That she too will finish up doing the same thing? Is that what you want for her? Is that what you really want?

I had a terrible first marriage and walked on egg shells. I felt as if I could not manage on my own because I had 'shrunk' - my confidence had gone. I really feel for you. I think you need the chance to see the world differently - from a different mental viewpoint - not from the egg shells. I wish I had sought support to do that far sooner. If you can, find a therapist just for yourself - your husband is not going to be open enough to get benefit from therapy, from what you say. Go on your own to Relate too might help. Read a book called "A Woman in Your Own Right" By Ann Dickson and there is a book called 'Walking on Egg Shells' by Kreger Randy and someone else. It is about getting your life back. Books may be a good first step for you. Later you may feel more able to get support and maybe to consider a life free of this pain.. I wish you well with all my heart.

Doodledog

I think we need to remember that the OP has decided to stay with her husband, and whereas that may not be what we would do, we don't know all the reasons behind her decision. They may be cultural, for instance, or there may be other valid reasons why she has decided to stay.

As Riverwalk points out, the OP specifically asked for advice about how to make the best of the situation she is in, and whatever we feel that we would do about going or staying, I think we should respect her decision to stay put.

I agree and hope the OP felt my answer took her decision into account.

I can't see how it can help someone who appears to be under a level of coercive control for us to add to that coercion.

I would get myself financially independent of him and when the time comes leave!

If your Daughter was living such a life, what would your advice be to her i wonder ?

Apologies - I suggested a book which is highly relevant but I gave an incomplete title. The correct title is
Stop Walking on Egg Shells and its by Kreger Randy and someone else.
I like the advice given above by granny piper. Also - ask yourself what advice your future self - say 10 years from now - what does she advise?

grannypiper

If your Daughter was living such a life, what would your advice be to her i wonder ?

A very valid point grannypiper.

I know the OP is "not looking for a divorce" and is probably hoping that we might accept that and give advice on how to weather the - what she calls - "highs and lows of marriage". But from what is then described it's fairly obvious that these are not the highs and lows of your everyday marriage. And I think that's why most grans are speaking almost with one voice.

DaisyAnne

Doodledog

I think we need to remember that the OP has decided to stay with her husband, and whereas that may not be what we would do, we don't know all the reasons behind her decision. They may be cultural, for instance, or there may be other valid reasons why she has decided to stay.

As Riverwalk points out, the OP specifically asked for advice about how to make the best of the situation she is in, and whatever we feel that we would do about going or staying, I think we should respect her decision to stay put.

I agree and hope the OP felt my answer took her decision into account.

I can't see how it can help someone who appears to be under a level of coercive control for us to add to that coercion.

I fail to see how the answers that have been given can be classed as further coercion.

Friday asked "how to find happiness in yourself in a turbulent marriage".

The answer is "you can't".

Are you suggesting that posters should have just given a two word answer and not tried to offer advice, support and encouragement,

Friday is in a nightmare scenario, fearful, lost and very confused.

The answer to her problem is not "suck it up and make the best of a bad job" it is "get yourself and you daughter out of there as soon as you can".

Are you suggesting that posters should have just given a two word answer and not tried to offer advice, support and encouragement,
No, and nothing I have contributed to this thread suggested that at all. I have no idea where that idea is coming from.

The answer to her problem is not "suck it up and make the best of a bad job" it is "get yourself and you daughter out of there as soon as you can".
Who said that? I haven't seen a single post that said anything of the kind, or even implied that this is what the OP should do. FWIW, my own suggestions were to consider her daughter, to squirrel away money in case she should change her mind, and to keep a diary of the things he says to undermine her confidence so that she remains aware that his comments do not define her.

I agree that the OP would be better off away from this man, but respect her right, as an adult, to make her own decisions, which she was very clear about, and simply pointed out that all the 'LTB' posts are ignoring the very thing that the OP has asked us to understand.

Twisting my words won't alter any of the above - my posts are still there.

Actually get yourself out of there as quickly as possible is not necessarily advice I would give. Mine would be speak to organisations with experience of this who can support you with this situation.

I find this post really sad, for you and your DD , I myself could never live with an abusive partner and I also couldn’t have my daughter being subjected to this either! You can’t make yourself happy living like this! You must be living on eggshells, you deserve and so does your daughter so much better, you are asking what can you do to make things better for yourself to be happy! There is only one answer Leave Him!

DerbyshireLass

DaisyAnne

Doodledog

I think we need to remember that the OP has decided to stay with her husband, and whereas that may not be what we would do, we don't know all the reasons behind her decision. They may be cultural, for instance, or there may be other valid reasons why she has decided to stay.

As Riverwalk points out, the OP specifically asked for advice about how to make the best of the situation she is in, and whatever we feel that we would do about going or staying, I think we should respect her decision to stay put.

I agree and hope the OP felt my answer took her decision into account.

I can't see how it can help someone who appears to be under a level of coercive control for us to add to that coercion.

I fail to see how the answers that have been given can be classed as further coercion.

Friday asked "how to find happiness in yourself in a turbulent marriage".

The answer is "you can't".

Are you suggesting that posters should have just given a two word answer and not tried to offer advice, support and encouragement,

Friday is in a nightmare scenario, fearful, lost and very confused.

The answer to her problem is not "suck it up and make the best of a bad job" it is "get yourself and you daughter out of there as soon as you can".

Nowhere did I suggest "that posters should have just given a two word answer and not tried to offer advice, support and encouragement". We can all only go on our own experience and my reading was that the OP didn't have a huge sense of agency at the moment. When I was in a similar place being told the one decision I had made was wrong would not have helped. Indeed it could have been devastating if mistimed. Because of this, I attempted to offer something she could possibly do that could give her options moving forward.

I don't think anyone said, "suck it up and make the best of a bad job". I, for one, would not dream of saying such a thing to someone in a vulnerable position. However, this should be about the OP so best to leave it, I think.

I think the problem here is that the OP feels she is making the best of an imperfect marriage with its ups and downs; but those of us who have been children in similar situations can see that this is not just ups and downs. Differences of opinion are part of every marriage and are of little importance if there is a base level of respect and affection between the partners. What we have here is something different - it is a woman being belittled and lives with someone who cannot be challenged over even the smallest thing without arguing and going silent for a week.

I am not telling the OP what to do, but simply providing her with important information about the serious psychological effects that can follow for a child brought up in this unhealthy atmosphere. The child's future well-being cannot be discounted.

Hi everyone,

Thank you for the responses. Its been a very busy day with work and my little one so i have not had a chance to reply.

I will try to answer questions raised:

There has been no physical violence.
My family believes he is great, I have not told them of his ways. He does not stop me from seeing my family or friends. In fact he encourages and facilitates this. He actively supports my elderly uncle that lives alone and needs DIY or things doing around the house. He is a heavily involved dad, takes our daughter to the local toddler groups once a week, has a genuine interest in daughters development and growth, dedicates time to the family. He does not control me financially.

Nonetheless, i believe he is controlling. I do walk on egg shells because he has in the past ignored me for months on end for the smallest of things. His reason is i dont listen to him. His examples are pathetic- dont buy too many groceries, eat fair trade food, reduce food waste, reheat food in a certain way, don't eat in certain rooms, all food must be finished before cooking, skirting boards and windows must be cleaned etc etc. Another section is parenting approach. His view here is “We do it my way or you do it your way alone” in other words if i dont parent the way he wants then the day to day care of my daughter will be my job. This is hard when we are both WFH and daughter was not in nursery at that point. She is now.
People have real problems that are serious. He fights over the smallest of things.
A lot of the responses focus on serious controlling problems. But he does not fit the usual picture of controlling behaviour.
In terms of what i have done to date:
- Become a confident driver
- Sought 2 promotions in the last 3 years (hard with baby and Covid)
- Squirrel away funds
- Gone for counselling for myself which prompted me to do the above
- Sought advice from Womens Aid- he is not a risk to our daughter therefore there is no reason he cannot receive 50/50 access

My mother tells me i am so lucky to have a supportive husband that is hands on with our daughter. But of course i know what it is truly like. People like to focus on the big things and think this is what defines a good person.
I believe he tries to break me mentally by giving me the silent treatment in order to influence my behaviour. In many ways, i walk away and agree to a lot of things to live in peace. But i know i should not have to do this. I sometimes think it would be easier if he was physically abusive. It would make leaving easier.

What is keeping you with him, if you don't mind saying? If you could leave him if he hit you, why do you stay as long as he doesn't, if you know that he is abusing you in other ways?

Obviously you don't have to say anything you don't want to, but the more information we have, the better able we will be to advise. I'm pleased you have a fund of your own money, as that will be reassuring for you, and also that you have acknowledged the things you have done to help yourself.

I did leave him for 5 months. It was during Covid and lockdown and so he was unable to see me and our daughter. It was hard, i felt guilty for depriving my daughter of her father. I have never spent a night away from my daughter and the thought of that makes me stay in the relationship. And 70-80% of the time the relationship is good. Sometimes i think maybe it is me that us hypersensitive, maybe he has some sort of disorder or something and i should be more understanding.
I cant leave the relationship unless i can be sure why i am leaving and that i know there is no way to make the relationship work. That 10 years later, i wont think maybe i overreacted.

In response to the impact this will hve on my daughter, well this does play on my mind. But to date, his approach with our daughter is she should be free to express herself, we should actively work to build her confidence ( to the point where i was asked to not correct daughter when she was not pronouncing words properly!!). I think he saves his meaness for just me. However, i dont want my daughter to grow up thinking that she too must be submissive. Or maybe she will think “dad was very particular when it came to certain things and mum managed to make it work” and not perceive it as dad was controlling and mum a walk over.

It seems clear from your posts that you have considered this from all angles, that you are very aware of what he is doing and how he is doing it, and of what impact this is likely to have on your daughter.

If you are determined to stay, all I can think of is what I have already said (keep a diary, remind yourself that he does not get to define who you are, and make sure you have a secret fund so that you can get out if you change your mind).

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

There is a thread on Mumsnet that you really should read. Strikingly similar 'silent treatment' to what you experience. The thread began in 2019 and coincidentally, the original poster updated it today. It is a long thread but at the bottom of the OP's post, there's the option to click on 'Op's posts: See Next' and you can read her posts in order.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3603074-why-does-he-do-this

Thank you for sharing the link. I have gone on Mumsnet and read the thread. I could relate to so much of it.
Made me happy to read the poster is now free. Gives me hope maybe i will be free too.

@ Doodledog the fund is secret and kept for safe keepings with my brother to separate from marital assets. Maybe a deposit for a house purchase in the future.
I will keep an electronic diary to ensure no one can read it but me. I will also find a good self help book as recommended. Maybe one day i will up and leave but will have all my ducks in a row for when i do.

That sounds promising.