A.i.b.u to not give adult child advice

After paying you very modest board of £160 a month she would have had £1060 disposable income. What were her other costs (travel to work? Phone? Car?). Even if she’d only saved £500 a month she should have had £6,000 saved.
Reality will hit her hard when she and her boyfriend live together …….. sometimes it’s the only way to learn unfortunately. I guess she gets angry with you because deep down she knows you’re right!
I’d still give her the £500 as you promised it but perhaps with a jokey “don’t spend it all at once”!

Blooming kids!
You did offer the £500 so yes I would give her that as a transfer direct to the letting agent. Her boyfriend should pay his fair share too so how they raise the rest of deposit and rent is not your responsibility.
All about wants and needs and if they need to get something cheaper to be able to afford things then they must.
As for the whys and wayfors of her money management I'm afraid thats up to her now as she won't sit with you to make a money plan. Just hope that its sunk in and her verbal attacks are simply that yes she knows what she could have done and is a bit cross with herself that she hasn't and doesn't like being told!!

I don't think tough love works when your child has no idea of what they are doing.

Aggressive response or not, I would persevere to communicate with your daughter.

Before handing over the deposit, make every effort to teach your daughter 'the value of money'. Insist on it as a condition of you gifting the money.

Go through the bills she is going to have to pay to keep a roof over her head, suggest economies she can make, refer her to MSE, get her to join YNAB.

She just hasn't learnt money management and needs your help.

We’ve been all through this. Easiest thing is to give her the money. We did and our relationship with our daughter improved alot.

Teaandsympathy

Yes she refuses to discuss wasting money, will momentarily entertain the idea of cutbacks when she is brasic but haughty about it all . Entitled, but we did not design her that way.

I have said whenever i have offered advice, to get advice from smarter than me, to learn on money saving sites, but she has no interest. She will shout me down if on the odd occasion i hint to stash her cash. I only ever mention when i think i can not tolerate at all any more.

I'd stop mentioning because its obvs not helping...and "is that all you have got" was a bit tactless. If its no hardship to you then give what you rpomised but stop discussing money. If she brings it up change the subject.

Me eight! I don’t think she will even begin to appreciate everything you’ve done for her, or the money you’ve given her until she is in her flat and has to manage financially.

I earned £5 a week in my first job and had to give my (single) mother £3. Just saying.

You asked a perfectly sensible question imo!
Unfortunately at 23 she feels that you shouldn't be prying into her financial affairs, even though you will be helping her out.
I think you should still give her the money that you promised and keep shtum if she comes back to you saying that it isn't enough!
She has just taken advantage of paying the minimum rent and thinking it's easy with extra money to spend!
I don't suppose that some of that money has been spent on items for her new place ?

Let her ask for the £500, don't just give it. It might lead to a conversation that benefits both of you. But remain on the moral high ground, don't let her bully you into it. It's her lack of ability to save that's got her in this situation and she needs a reality check.

Soroptimum

What on earth has she been spending her money on??

Clothes, makeup, takeaway coffees, ditto food, clubbing, cocktails, hairdresser, nail bar, eyebrows, lip fillers, all stuff that irresponsible girls fritter money away on.
Rent? Energy bills? Council tax? What are those?

Teaandsympathy

I will not go back on the £500 - i am just concerned she will be wanting more. The biggest concern is that she can not pay any bills because she refuses to try and i end up with a non paying depressed lodger again , resentful of a token board charge and resentful of me!

Well don’t do it! If, heaven forbid, she does want to turn up at yours again make sure you charge a realistic rent, one that covers her energy and food as well as the roof over her head. She’s got some hard lessons in store but she’ll benefit from having to grow up.

I agree tha£500 bit I can understand how you might feel a bit sick about giving that to someone who is rude enough to put the phone down on you!!

I am confused here as to what you and your daughter had agreed upon,

If you and your husband promised her £500 when she found accomodation then I too think you are morally obliged to hand it over now.

If the promise was made on the condition that she saved the £1400 you mention, and she has in reality only saved £800, then you may justifiably feel that you have no obligation to give her the promised £500.

That said, if you can afford to do so, hand over the money you promised her. If you don't you are spoiling any chance of a decent relationship with her in the future. This may actually already be spoiled, as she is obviously cross with you.

She is 23, so how much she earns, uses or has in the bank is, as she recently told you, no concern of yours, unless you have at some earlier point stood guarantor for her. It would have been more graceful of her not to ask you to mind your own business, but that is the sort of remark we sometimes have to let lie if we want a good relationship to our adult children.

I realise you probably feel that you are throwing good money after bad if you give her £500 now, and I am sadly afraid that that is precisely what you will be doing, but do so and promise yourself that you will not promise or give her any more money in the future. But keep that last to yourself. Nothing in the present situation will get better if you succumb (as I probably would) to the temptation to say, " and don't expect any more from us, ever!"

anna7

I would say nothing and wait for her to mention the £500 first. If she is apologetic and has some sort of plan I might (only might) think about giving her the money but if not I would let her sort it out herself. I would not be offering any money in the future. Time to stand on her own two feet and take responsibility.

I agree with with anna7:

I knew a 23yr old pregnant with their fourth child, who was widowed when her 25yr old husband died in an accident. They had their own house bought before rampant inflation so with a manageable mortgage repayment. She had no one to help her financially and the pitiful compensation she received were literally eaten by the children. Paying for their food and the only things she refused to get from charity shops...... underwear and shoes.
So tell that 23 yr old self centred little daughter of yours to whistle for financial assistance until it is Truly needed. By not helping herself when there was no reason except her selfishness for saving more money, then she has proved herself not the type to deserve financial help. Let her grow up more and earn your respect first.

Until she apologise I wouldn’t give her anything. Unfortunately your little princess is about to get a shape shock of what living in the real world is like.

Sounds just like my granddaughter with her mother. I would give her the £600 if you can afford it but then say no more and mean it.

Sounds like a bargain for your £500, sadly.

Reality will soon hit home when your DD is fending for herself.

You promised the cash towards the deposit. Set a good example & honour that.
If the £160 a month was agreed so she could save £300-£500 per month for her contribution to the deposit I can see why you are cross / disappointed in her. If it is what you hoped she would do..well you can still be disappointed but not cross.
She will learn, once she is buying her own washing powder etc, & the gas bill, rates etc. need paying, that there are choices to be made where money is concerned! I wish her well!

The £500 should have been conditional on her providing the other £800.

I'd hold onto the £500 until she specifically asks you for it and I'd then tell her that she needs to go through a budget with you before you're prepared to hand it over.
I'd have a list of all the bills you have to pay written down and show it to her as an example for her to list her own expected living costs alongside, so that she can see just how expensive running a home actually is.
I agree with a pp who said to give the £500 directly to her landlord.
Oh, DON'T co-sign the lease on her flat.

I agree with going through her budget, she definitely needs help.

I'm sure most people on here will agree that we are all older and wiser, and learning through your mistakes isn't always the best course.

I’m a bit confused by this post. Am I correct in thinking that the DD needed to have £1400 in order to enter into a flat share with her boyfriend? And that the OP had promised to put £500 towards this deposit? In which case she was only £100 short of the amount agreed. The DD probably thinks she has done really well saving this money ! I expect this is why she is annoyed ( and has been rude ) to her DM. AT 23 years of age, in a relationship, no responsibilities, they have certainly been having a good time before ‘ settling down ‘. I definitely think the DM should have charged a more realistic rent, but that option has passed now. Please give the £500 you promised, as I think DD did keep her side of the bargain. It was just way too low an amount.They are about to experience ‘ real life ‘ with rent and bills to pay very soon. I’m sure they will have discussed budgeting and if they haven’t, they very soon will! I also suspect they won’t want to hear too much advice either ! I hope it goes well for all concerned, at the very least you will have your home back !

Only give advice if you ask for it. At your daughter's age if she hasn't already cut the apron strings, she won't realise what a font of wisdom you are; hopefully that will come later when she actually experiences life.
I would be inclined to give her the amount she has been offered on the grounds that it is what you agreed to. Once you've given her that, be very clear that you will not be handing out money again. Stand firm when she falls flat on her face because otherwise you will be bailing her out forever.
Incidentally, my son was hopeless with money whilst living at home. He became much better at handling it all when the roof over his head depended on it. I was similar but I would have died sooner than go back to my Mum and ask for help so I learned too.

As you hand over the £500 as promised, tell her how sorry you are that you can not afford to give her any more than that. If she asks for a top up, you can remind her that the 500 was it.

Nanatoone

Some tough Mamas here! We have always helped our children, now in their thirties with lovely homes of their own, there is no need. The only thing I don’t like is the rudeness when you enquire but that’s a lesson she does need to learn. She is probably going into this with eyes closed. I would dig my children put of a financial mess if I could as long as they were honest about it. I can’t believe the meanness of a few of the answers though. It’s a very different world to the one most of us grew up in.

Me too.