moving on after bereavement

Learnergran what a dreadful thing. Never feel you are giving too much information on here. Let out every single thing you want to say if it helps.

With much love and sympathy to you and all your family

Jendurham I have just read your post and my thoughts are with you.
My husband died in April a very sudden and unexpected death and I also have days that are not good.
I have found the support found on the site invaluable and often log in to read the posts. This is a club that no-one wants to belong to but we do all support each other and sometimes writing about how you feel helps a little.

Learnergran - we are all with you in spirit. Keep posting.

Yes, reading this thread with great sympathy and admiration for bravery.

Learnergran
I am so sorry and my thoughts are with you. The first few weeks are so busy but remember to take some time for youself.
Post here whenever you feel the need. I have found the support on this site very helpful

Learnergran, I am really sorry for your loss. How very sad. ((Hugs))

Oh dear*Learnergran*, how awful for you my thoughts are with you. Post on here when you can (((hugs)))

Jendurham and Learnergran having just read your messages, I can only say that I am dreadfully sorry. You need your family and the support of friends [and that includes we Gransnetters] at this sad time. Please keep sharing with us.

Learnergran That must have been a shock to you, so as well as the sadness of losing him you also have the effects of the horrible experience. When you feel you can't speak out loud but want to talk, gransnet is the place to go. There is usually somone about to listen and reply. Do you have good neighbours as well as your family? I found when my dear husband died that neighbours I had hardly met became a source of strength to me.

I am not going to say that time will make it better - it doesn't - but you will eventually be able to do things alone without feeling stranded, and take pleasure in visiting places which have good memories. It is possible.

One of the things I could not do this year was go to my grandchildren's birthday parties. The thought of all those parents and grandparents either sympathising or asking where Ken was was just too much. No need to upset grandkids unnecessarily by crying at their parties.
My husband died at home. He was taken to bed on January 1st, halfway through his mother's 90th birthday party, and never got out of it again.
He died 3 weeks later. For 3 weeks he had been on the Liverpool Care Plan.
My grandson lies down on the bed and talks to his grandad.
We have 4 grandchildren ranging from 19 to 5 years of age. Only the 19 year old knew him from before his accident, although he could kick balls without falling over for all except the 5-year-old, just not very far.
We have bought a seat for him at Beamish, for all you people who know up North. We go and sit on it and have picnics there.
The last time he was out of the house with the family and under his own steam was half term last year, when we went to Beamish. He suddenly decided he could not cope any more, and one of our sons brought us home.
This was after he had had the brain operation but before radiotherapy.
We'll be going there next week with three of the grandchildren.
They are what keep me going.
Our youngest son runs for his dad. He has done the Edinburgh and Chester Marathons, and Thirsk 10 mile. He says when he runs he talks to his dad.

Learner How heartbreaking for you and such a terrible shock. Please let us all help you to get through the difficult and sad times ahead.
How wonderful that your children are all coming to your side, and they will be a source of comfort to you even as you comfort them.

Be kind to yourself and let it all out when you need to

jendurham

I am so grateful for all the messages. It makes a huge amount of difference to know that I am not alone in this. I don't know many people here but the few neighbours I do know have been wonderful - everyone saw the ambulance and police at the house yesterday and one neighbour in particular, who has become a good friend over the months, even helped with the cpr before the paramedics arrived. Several nurses from the cancer unit have called to say how shocked and sorry they are too. Post mortem tomorrow, after which we will know what happened.
Can I admit something which will sound so awful? Last night DS helped me bag up all DH's clothes and toiletries, apart from his best suit and things for the funeral. I caught sight of his slippers where they had come off his feet when he fell and just could not bear it. I knew I would not be able to tackle this later and just plunged in while I was still so shocked.
This is a terrible time. It was my mother's funeral today, in Australia.
But she was very elderly and was, I am sure, ready to slip away.

Learnergran my heart goes out to you. I wish that I could do something to comfort you.

Leanergran what a desperate time for you. I don't know what to say except my thoughts are with you and your DC as others have said, feel free to come here and pour your heart out any time, GNers are a truly warm-hearted and caring lot.

Jendurham

Learnergran So sorry - what a terrible time for you and the family. As others have said come back to us whenever you feel the need,

Both of you have made me feel very moved. It is so important to be able to talk about the person one has lost and keep their memory alive but I can well imagine that it is the "little" things - like the slippers - which are so poignant. I feel that whatever you do will be right for you - there are no rights and wrongs except to do what you feel is right for you - so nothing sounds "awful" and nobody can tell you what you ought or ought not to do,. Thinking of you both and all the other GransNetters who have lost their dear partner.

Learnergran
I do understand your need to bag up all your husbands clothes but can I suggest that you simply place them out of sight and not dispose of them just yet. I have derived great comfort from wearing a jumper that belonged to my DH and you may later regret getting rid of them straight away .
My thoughts are with you and your family .

Thank you narg. In fact I got up in the middle of the night to retrieve his dressing gown to take back to bed with me.

Learnergran my heart goes out to you, keep posting and let us all hold your hand

Jendurham thinking of you too

Jendurham I just read your posts. You have my deepest sympathy, it is so hard to see loved ones suffer. ((Hugs))

Learnergran my sympathy on the loss of your mother, it really is a sad time for you. ((Hugs))

I am so sorry I have just stumbled on this thread.

learner I am so sorry, take each step when you are ready to, there is no right and wrong way to deal with things just go with your instincts. {{{hugs}}}

jendurham {{{hug}}} I live not too far from Beamish.

Sending all on this thread

ohh dear..Learnergran what a sad time you having right now.
we are here to listen to whatever it is you feel like saying, as other posters have said, we all hope you keep popping back in and out when you feel like it, we are never far away day or night.

Jendurham and Learnergran my heart goes out to you both and to all of you who have lost your dear husbands.

Learnergran: it seems presumptious to offer my sympathy but it is heartfelt. You moved me to tears and I am so sorry that you are going through such a terrible time in your life. I hope you find some comfort when your children are all back home with you. I hope too that all the messages on here help in a small way too. You aren't alone.

Thanks to all of you for your wishes and my sympathies to you, Learnergran. Unlike you, Learnergran, I did not get rid of Ken's clothes. They are all still there. My son, who lives in the same village, says there is no hurry. He says the same about his dad's ashes, says I can hang on to them until I'm ready to join him. I'm 63. Ken was 65, and Ageuk had just helped us get some extra DLA to help with finances.
Actually, Learnergran, when I go away I take his dressing gown with me instead of my own. I also take his slippers in case I need to wear any, as I do not have any of my own. It helps that we had the same size feet.
There is a charity near us called Lifespan and they visit people with lifethreatening illnesses and give massage and talk. One of them used to massage Ken's feet until he fell asleep. She still comes to see me and talk and massage my shoulders to get rid of the tension. She's actually the only one of the care team who visits me. I have not heard from the Macmillan nurse or the GP surgery. It's as if now I'm no longer a carer, I'm nobody to them, but I am to Lifespan.
I have had to take my granddaughter to the surgery 3 times lately and each time I have tears streaming down my face. I used to have to go there at least once a week with Ken. They all knew him, but do not seem to connect me with him any more.
Glassortwo, his seat is in the picnic area near Pockerley Manor, if you go to Beamish. I once went there with my grandson and there was a family sitting having a picnic in front of the seat, so we went over and explained and they asked us to join them. We often wondered what would happen if someone was sitting on Grandad's seat when we got there. Now we know.