visits not allowed

Just seen the update.
He's still only 8 months old though.
There is plenty of time.

They are busy. Babies are busy things. 45 minutes is a long time to travel with a baby. Is that 45 minute there's and back or just there?

Maybe she doesn't want her baby that far away from her? Maybe she does have PND? There are lots of reasons.

BUT if you decide not to see them, you won't be any kind of grandparent.

There is no way forward here until you really take to heart the message that there are 2 sides to this problem and that you must try and see their side, however hard it is for you.

I know that you say you just want to help, but your posts actually don't reflect that - they talk about all the things that you want. They talk about refusing to get in touch if they do not do what you want.

I think they feel frightened and overwhelmed by your approach. Maybe it has been too full-on.

I really do think that only you can solve this problem - because for them there is no problem - they are simply doing what they feel to be best for their child. And you can solve it by re-thinking; by putting yourself in their shoes and assuming that they have got things right for their child and that your needs are irrelevant. You need to ask yourself very honestly whose needs are uppermost in your mind. I must be honest and say that the content of your posts belies your assertion that you are only thinking of them.

It would be so sad if this went on and caused a rift. The solution is in your hands.

I think most of us are saying similar things, it isn't about what -you want in this relationship. However hard it is to accept, they also have their own lives, with a baby of course they are busy but the answer is not to expect them to park the baby on you, they will want to do things together as a little family. Having a strop and threatening to not invite them is going to hurt you much much more. You seem to have your own preconceived idea of "grandparent type things, walks in the park, peekaboo". How about treating your DS and DIL like valued members of the family and adults in their own right, not just the procreators of "your" grandchild?
Ask them to lunch or tea, but don't expect it to be next weekend they do have their own lives, and stop fixating on your "rights" as grandparents. If this sounds unsympathetic I suppose it is because I really think you are on a collision course and still can't see what you are doing wrong.

Which is missing the point because we want to help.

Maybe they don't see it as helping.
Your DIL has given a reason, they don't have time for lots of visits..It's like she has given you an answer, but no, it's not the right one.

It's coming across as you don't really listen to them.

Perhaps lizzie has just to accept the fact that she has a d-I-L with emotional problems, because that's what it sounds like to me.

Maybe there is nothing to be done. It's very sad.

There are no excuses for them. 45 minutes is not a long journey. They could visit. Or invite lizzie there.

And maybe they would do, if they did not sense the subtext that some of us are picking up from lizzy's posts.

It would be so sad if lizzy could not take a step back and think it through from their point of view - she has so much to lose.

lizzyr It is difficult sometimes to accept how our children choose to treat us, but accept it we must, try not to allow it to make you angry at your grandson as he has no control.

What worries me slightly here is that we're in danger of trying lizzyr and finding her guilty as charged. It's so easy to read everyone's views and find your own opinion being influenced by them.
I just re-read lizzyr's original post and the comments she has posted in the thread and to be honest I think she has reason to feel hurt. Maybe assumptions are being made by other posters that she's coming on a bit strong, expecting too much. I can't see any real evidence of this in her original post.
I think we all rather hope, when we have grandchildren, that we will be included and have an opportunity to build a relationship with them and it seems to me that's all lizzyr wants. I find it all rather sad.

She has so much to lose that she needs to examine it from every angle.

45 minutes is a long journey with a baby.
If it's 45 minutes there and 45 minutes back, that's 1 hour and a half hours worth of travelling altogether.

Not all babies sleep in the car. Not all babies like being in their car seat. It could be 45 minutes of a screaming baby. It could not be.

It's not just the DIL, it's her son to. They have both given reasons. They don't see a problem, lizzie is seeing her DGC, its just not on her terms.

Maybe DIL does have emotional problems, like PND, depression in general, or anxiety.
Then Lizzie should be a bit more understanding if that's the case.

It isn't a long time. Not if there are a couple of nice meals in between arriving and leaving.

Also, we all know that taking a baby or toddler anywhere takes a lot more time and effort than just the car journey.

lizzyr. Have you invited them to your place apart from xmas?

And where do the meet ups for a bite to eat happen? Your place, their place, or elsewhere?

Before the baby came along, did you spend time at your son and dils place at all?
May be they think that their housework may not be good enough?

I also advise caution, Lizzie. The parents have the decision making power and for them 1&1/2 hours driving is time they need to spend in other ways. Your time will come and then you will feel better .Keep doors open and hide your hurt as best as you can.

My GC are 45 minutes from where I live and they have visited since birth, once in their baby seats they usually sleep when they are tiny. DS and DIL used to live in London before they moved closer to us, had they stayed I would have travelled weekly or two weekly to visit but staying in hotels.

Everyone's different. Maybe these parents don't find it easy. Or maybe there really is a problem and it's their way of telling gran to back off. Maybe they just want to be left alone and want to stick to the short meet-ups that they have been having because that's what they can cope with.

Maybe, maybe, maybe. We don't know.

I agree Harrigran before we moved house to be closer to our three DGC I regularly did a 45 minute school run for eldest DGD with two tinies in tow. No problem whatsoever except for having to get them all up a bit too early. I guess compared with many I am very lucky. When my first DGD was born just over 9 years ago she was a much welcome new member of our family and by that I mean she was part of the extended family. There are not many of us but we all share in the joys of the little ones. My DGC have stayed with us 2 days (sometimes 3) a week since they were only weeks old. I know my DIL trusts me to look after the children very well. Again I will say that I know I am very lucky. I feel a little bit sorry for you lizzyr I can't imagine how you must feel not being allowed to be a central part of your DGC's life. Children need as many people as possible to love and care for them and the love of their grandparents (if they are around) is priceless.

But parents are free to choose whether they want grandparental help. And they are not in the wrong in any way if they decide that they don't want it. It is the apparent assumption from many grandparents that the parents don't have that choice, that they are doing something wrong if they make that choice (for whatever reason; it may have nothing to at all do with the grandparents) that I find troubling.

Of course they are free to choose thatbags but it troubles me to wonder why anyone would deliberately want to keep grandchildren and grandparents apart. They are the parents of the child's parents for goodness sake. Why would you not want someone in your child's life that loves them as much as you do yourself?

Meant to add with this kind of attitude there is little wonder charities like Age UK and other charities for the elderly are in so much demand . Perhaps our family is different to most. I do hope not .

It doesn't aound to me from the OP's posts that the parents of the baby in question do "want to keep grandparents and grandchildren apart". The parents are apparently happy with short meet-ups. We don't know why that is so we shouldn't assume it's because of any ill feeling towards the grandparents. There is any number of other reasons why the current situation suits the parents best, none of which we actually know. Safest, and kindest, to assume their reasons are just fine and they are not doing anything wrong.

The gran isn't doing anything wrong in wanting to see her grandchild more either, but she needs to accept the parents' decisions about their child and their lives.

I completely agree that children benefit from having a relationship with their grandparents.

But 1) The child is only 8 months, if that.
2) She does see her grandson. She is seeing him and having a relationship with him.

It's coming across as it's either lizzies way or no way. There isn't much mention of visting each other, just lizzie wanting to look after him by herself.

The traveling is obviously the issue as they meet half way to have food.
Maybe they think travelling for that length of time to stop for an hour or so is a bit pointless.
Maybe they are keeping you at arms length because you keep asking to see them more and they feel guilty. Maybe they find you a bit smothering.

Thatbags is right. Maybe maybe maybe, we just don't know, but we know you are seeing your DGC, not weekly but you are seeing him. If you want to cut contact because you're not getting your own way, the only person who will be hurt is you.

Gillybob, not all grandparents are sweet, nurturing and lovely people. Trust me. Sometimes it's the in the child's best interest for their not to a relationship.

How many grandchildren do you have Readheadedmommy?

I too was wondering where gillybob's "deliberately want to keep grandchildren and grandparents apart" came from. She is not being banned from seeing him, she just wishes she could see more.

It sounds to me as though Lizzie's version of how often and how deeply to connect with him is not the same as his parents'. In that situation someone is going to have to feel either frustrated or pressurised and uncomfortable.

There are ways of staying in touch which do not involve imposing her own ideas of whether his father should feed him in service stations and whether she should look after him while his parents work.