visits not allowed

I think she wants to be a matriarch.

My favourite memories of my two are, the moment DGS1 was carried through the door of my house by his dad and placed into my arms, and the picture I have in my head of DGS2 having his after lunch nap on our sofa snuggly under my crochet blanket.

Some impersonal cafe or restaurant just wouldn't have been the same. Not by a long, long chalk.

Thank you all fromboth camps. Is is good to hear both sides as we are so different in some things and so similar in others. We all have the same goal , what is best for our children and grandchildren.The Easter invite has gone. Hope we all have a good Easter.

Oh, and did I mention that in those days they lived an hour and twenty minutes away, most of it round the M25?

Elegran "I think she wants to be a matriarch."

Oh God. Anything but that. It usually involves a lot of cooking.

I hope you have a happy Easter too lizzie.

I have 2 daughters.

I had a nan who never bothered with me and a nan that would do anything for me. Im seeing her today actually! [Grinn]

My daughters have 2 sets of grandparents.
1 set would walk over hot coal for them. They are loving, respectful and kind.

1 set who just can't be arsed. It's their way or no way. They are rude, disrespectfull and selfish.

Turning into grandparents didn't make them like that. They have all ways been that way, both sets. Having grand children doesn't automatically make you a good or bad person.

Lizzy has come onto this site and presumably expected people to have some opinion on the subject that might prove useful to her in dealing with the situation.

Some of us are counselling caution and trying to help her to see that if she digs her heels in, as she says she planned at the start of this thread , there is likely to be a very sad outcome.

From her original thread, it was clear that her wishes were not necessarily reasonable. She wanted to look after the child on his own, take him out on her own, have him to stay etc., all of which I would have found threatening as a DIL at this early stage. I did none of this with my own GC until they were considerably older.

I am suggesting that she should talk to her son and DIL and acknowledge that these desires were OTT and that she can see that this might not have felt very comfortable to them. She needs to rethink her wishes and convey to them that she understands their position.

My fear is that she does not understand and still feels that she should have these "rights".

I really hope they take they up on the invite lizzy. At least you can say you have tried

Lizzyr You have a post on "Surrogate grandparents wanted!!" describing the kind of grandparents you remember. They were very hands on, and I can understand you wanting to repeat the experience' but each family is different - it may take a lot of patience and gentle persistence in inviting them and phoning them, (but without complaining) to have more contact. Take it slowly - softly softly catchee monkey.

I live several hours by road or rail from both sets of GC. I go as often as it's practicable which isn't more than monthly and sometimes with longer gaps. But we have a great relationship when I do see them. I've been on holiday with one family many times. They have so many weekend commitments now they are older, that it would be virtually impossible for them to visit me which is sad, but inevitable. A distant granny can still be a special, loved and loving granny. And there are so many other grans whose GC live half a world away but still maintain a relationship. Don't give up for a matter of 45 minutes - Christmas will still be there, ever year.

Yes, all the best for Easter lizzie. You've done all you can and whatever the outcome, just eat some chocolate because it's impossible to be unhappy with chocolate in your mouth

Ah Readheadedmommy! You're a Mumsnetter!

Could you not find your way back?

Am I that obvious?

Oooh yes!

Lizzy - I too hope they take you up on the invitation, and I think you need to do a lot of thinking before then, if they do come. But please remember your invitation comes at quite short notice and they may have made other arrangements already - do not assume they are getting at you if they are unable to come - do not see it as a "test" for them.

When you see them, try and imagine those things that might make them want to back off - I have outlined some in my last post. Just make them welcome - do not try and hold the baby unless invited to do so; give no advice; express no grievance. Take every opportunity to bolster their egos as parents; criticise nothing; suggest nothing. Just enjoy with no strings. It can be a joy to watch ones own children developing as adults and honing up their parenting skills - they do not always do it our way, but I have learned much from my children as I watch them looking after their own.

If things improve and your GS dos eventually spend some time with you on his own, then reassure them that you will follow THEIR rules; ask for details of his routine and how they might want him treated in different situations. Do not be tempted to do it right (i.e. your way) for once while you have him.

It is only by accepting their rules and their parenting ways, and backing them up with encouragement and approval, that you will get this thing back on track.

The underlying criticism in some of your posts will not be lost on them, and is the last thing they need. If your son chooses to take this little lad around with him, and give him wide experiences (like eating in a motorway service station) then that is absolutely and unquestionably fine and it is not your place to criticise. You may not have done it that way, but that is their way - and he is their son, so that is fine.

I actually really like gransnet.
It's great for looking at things from a nans point of view.
It's lovely to read how much love you have for grandchildren. It's also horrible to read how many grandparents have been cut of for no reason.

I wish my MIL would come on here and see what she's missing out on.

Good advice Mishap and lots of others.

They obviously feel very strongly about creating a close bond with their baby and perhaps are against the idea of anyone but themselves taking care of him.

From reading your OP lizzyr you have seen your DGC five or six times in 8 months and that seems quite reasonable and not a reason to email and ask what is going on.

I hope they can manage to come over at Easter to visit and I hope you can smile, give them a good time and not pressurise them about future meetups - just say how lovely it has been and that you hope to see them again 'soon'.

Hope it goes well, relax and enjoy it.

RedheadedMommy I think I remember you asked for advice on here once

Lizzy-I hope things work out for you over Easter but please don't feel rejected if they don't-as someone has already said it is very short notice. I too wanted to be a very hands on granny, involved in my DGC's daily care - prob triggered by my own peripatetic childhood and missing my own grandmother - but it hasn't altogether worked out that way. And do you know what? I'm quite glad it hasn't in many ways, as I know I could no longer cope with the physical demands of small people for long periods of time. I have my 8 year old DGD 7 miles away and see her at least twice a week and babysit quite often. My 8 year old DGS is 70 miles away and we stay for a couple of nights every 5/6 weeks as they have a big old manse so no problem with space. It's also on the way to widowed FIL so we can tie two visits together. DGS often stays for couple of nights in school holidays or Saturdays if his parents are out and we FaceTime on iPad. My two very small DGS are 100 miles away and we manage to see them around 5/6 weeks as well. We stay overnight in a hotel and sometimes babysit on the Saturday so DS/DIL can have a meal out in a local restaurant. We also sometimes avail ourselves of cheap rail tickets and go up for the afternoon. It all works out very well although I sometimes wish we were geographically a little closer as DH and I charge around the countryside!! We're having a big family Easter weekend when we will all be at Dd's. I wouid, however, be run ragged if they were all living locally. It's not necessarily the way I wouid have chosen, but it's what we have and we make it work for us. Technology is also wonderful - we FaceTime the 2 year old who brandishes his apple and shouts 'eating apple Nannie!'

I fail to see how wanting to see her grandson makes her "want to be a matriarch" Elegran

In the OP lizzyr says that she has seen her baby grandson 5 times in his life. He is 8 months old and they live less than an hour away. Perhaps her family are worried that as she gets older she might just need a little bit of their (obviously vey valuable) bonding time attention and think that it will be better keeping her at arms length. Just another way of looking at it.

Lizzy didn't say she'd only seen her GC 5 times 'in his life'. He was born last August and we don't know how often she's seen him between then and Christmas.

The point is that Lizzy seems to feel a sense of entitlement over and above what the parents are prepared to accommodate - they obviously don't need or want her to look after their son while they work and have made their own arrangements. I'm wondering who would have been expected to do the drop-offs and pick-ups if that had gone ahead. People keep saying 45 mins drive isn't that far - but it would be at the beginning and end of every working day!

OP says she saw him for the day last christmas and other than that she has seen him 4 times Ana. Unless I am missing something, this adds up to 5.

...........and I cannot find anything in the OP that suggests lizzyr would expect to look after him "every" working day.

My son and DiL both work shifts. I do two nights/three days one week and one night, two days the next, plus odd weekends. For us it is a win, win situation. On one of the days I have my 3 DGC I take them to see my parents (their GGP's) and my grandma (their GG GM). We are a naturally close family.

Lizzy what pattern of contact did you have in mind before you GS arrived? Reading your posts it is clear that you are disappointed that it hasn't turned out how you expected but do you think it could be that if you have let your disappointment and expectations show very clearly that your DS and DiL could be reacting a bit defensively. Almost certainly they are also coping with busy lives and new responsibilities in the ways that seem best to them.

I have three GC, my DD has one DS and my DS has a DS and a DD. I love them all but the pattern of involvement and contact has been very different. My DD has involved us much more than I would have expected, (we had a difficult relationship before GS arrived) and we have been delighted to be that involved. My DS said to us quite early on not to expect quite the same involvement with his DC as DiL would be likely to turn first to her parents and sisters but that we should never worry that we wouldn't have an important role in the lives of his children, just not the same as with DDs boy.

That's how it has worked out. We have a great relationship with them all despite the fact that we had had much more contact and involvement with one than with the others.

My best advice to you would be to go with the flow for now, enjoy the time you do spend with your GS and, to an extent, take what is on offer and hope that as he grows and they settle into parenthood, it will get easier.

I hope they are able to come at Easter and that you have a lovely time.

Sorry, gillybob, as you'll see from the OP this is the second thread Lizzyr's started. I looked up her first, in which she says her GC was born in August - I think he was a fortnight old and she'd seen him twice then!

We all have different family set-ups and relationships with in-laws vary wildly so we can't really compare what we do with what is doable in Lizzyr's particular set-up.