Hopeless dilemma

Is it possible Luckygirl for your DD and SIL to eventually move house, so they at least eliminate the problem of FIL living too close. He might not drop in so easily.

I would feel on edge having him living so close, dropping in on a whim and causing upset.

I am hoping that there will be a way of resolving this that avoids such drastic action Faye. I am hanging on to the idea that there might be some solution that protects the children without pulling the family apart.

I can't see any point in continuing this thread. It's obvious the child's parents gave to deal with it. And they need to get their priorities right, and man up on behalf of their child.

Why chew this over anymore? The advice has been given.

Have to. Not gave to

Is there perhaps a possible "mediator" figure in the family, an uncle/cousin, for instance, whom he would listen to without losing too much face? Perhaps someone of his own generation who could point out that whatever his experience as a boy might have been, times have moved on and in any case, parents are the beginning and the end of teaching and encouraging good behaviour in their family.
I wish you well as this is a many layered problem, isn't it and not one that can be left unresolved.

I am so sorry your family find yourselves in this horrible dilemma. I hope you find some solution soon. Wish I could offer some help.

Then don't post on it, if you can see no point jings. That's fine by me. I have to say I am very shocked by your post. I would never ever be so unkind to anyone. It simply would not enter my head to do so.

I have to say that I do find it extraordinary that those posters who purport to be Christians have the least understanding. No wonder I stay well clear of religion.

Thanks to ginny and all the others who have understood how helpful it has been to me to chew this problem over in an impersonal setting, as it is not something I would wish to talk about amongst the family or friends who know my DD. Many thanks indeed. I am very grateful.

It starts to seem indulgent.

Does it indeed? I hope that your life will be problem free, and if not that there will be people around with a bit more humanity than you have shown. I am staggered by this.

Don't take any notice Luckygirl.
That was beyond the pale jingl even by your standards.

Can I inject a bit of positivity ( is that a word!) into this thread? It is obvious that Lucky' daughter has had a loving, kind and happy upbringing so she has a good base for bringing up her children, she and her DH seem to be a loving and united couple so, although this is a dreadful event, they will come through this and make the decision that is right for the family. They are blessed to have Lucky and her family's support!

Lucky keep talking to us!

jings and soontobe - what ever happened to the milk of human kindness?

Where I come from, people dont mince words. Then we have plenty of advice, and are glad of it. And most times will act on either a combination of it, or take someone's specific advice.

Perhaps I am a bit strong with my advice for half a dozen posters on gransnet.

Oh dear, when people start saying things along the lines of "I speak as I find" or "I don't mince my words " sometimes I want to run for cover.
Of course honesty is a good thing, but so are empathy, charity (Christian or otherwise) tact and consideration.
There is a temptation on sites like this to assume a point of view and give advice, which is indeed often what is asked for and a person is free to take it or not. But when there is a genuine " cri de coeur " one has to think carefully before putting virtual pen to paper. We can listen without always judging and we need to resist the temptation to assume circumstances or motivation which we may have imagined.
So I do not think it is anything to do with "how many" members might find some views "strong" but whether the OP is regretting his or her revelation of their anguish at a potentially devastating family issue.
* Luckygirl's* has described a situation which could break a family apart but God willing it won't. Tact, understanding, patience and strength are going to be needed and the least we can do is offer a friendly ear and supportive shoulder.

Sorry Luckygirl typing let me down there

No, Soontobe. It's not that your advice is too strong: it's mostly that your advice is a load of twaddle.

Luckygirl, my heart goes out to you and your family over this.
I've had the picture in my mind over the weekend of the wee boy having his backside smacked hard by this horrible idiot of a man, and it's awful. You can only do what you've been doing, supporting and empathising with your DD. Have you had any chance to have any contact with the grandfather (sorry if this has already been mentioned)?

soontobe, are you proud of not mincing your words?

Well said, petra.

Things are likely to come to a head today as the in-laws will be back home. My DD is dealing with 2 sick children, although thankfully she herself is now feeling a lot better. We have just been trying to give her the strength to say it as it is when she sees them. Very hard, as none of us find confrontation easy. Thank you for all the support and kindness from those who understand all the potential difficulties that could arise from this situation.

I think that the "milk of human kindness" is in short supply in some quarters kitty, but thankfully those people are in the minority.

Well put Alea

I have empathy, charity, tact and consideration. You will find it all over my posts across gransnet.

But I now realise that there are a few posters who would rather not recieve them, so I will try and remember who they are in future.
It is not a problem, as long as I remember who they are.

I am trying to imagine taking a deep breath and saying
"Dad, I know things were different in your day, but we don't smack our children and we need you to respect that. "Xxx" is not a naughty boy and he is very young. We do not want him to grow up scared of his grandfather but to love and respect (?)him"

Ouch, is that possible?

Oh soontobe I fear you just don't get it. It is not the recipients of your posts that you need to think about, but the content. Do take time to reflect please.

Has someone told you that you have 'empathy, charity, tact and consideration', soontobe?

It is beyond belief that a thread that intended to ask for some support and ideas as to how this situation might be tackled from others' experiences has been hijacked by the insensitive posts of the self-righteous.

How do we all deal with this? Gransnet used to be a place where people could share their problems, their delights, humour, intelligent debate and fun.

It has now been hijacked completely by one poster in particular who has an agenda to pursue, and who does not grasp the subtleties of such things as this thread, nor has the ability to join in intellectual debate. I would be sad to drop out, as many others have in the face of this, as Gransnet has been a source of support, fun and mental stimulation to me and I have enjoyed being a part of it. How very sad that it is now dragged down by all this nonsense.

Perhaps the power to destroy and spoil is just too tempting. What a shame.