So confused and Angry

By the way Nonnie, a very brave post but rather you than me!

^Crafting when my son is an adult and a grown man with a family of his own, i couldnt imagine imposing myself on him and his family when they didnt want or need me there. Hopefully i will lead a very full life and my kids as adults will add to my happiness, not be my happiness.

I also hope that i have the decency to respect my son and future dil's space and privacy and not desrespect or undermine them and i certainly hope that i have a good relationship with my dil......one that she wants.

One thing is for sure, i will accept...graciously how they want me in their life and how much they want to include me afterall it is their life and their children, not mine.

But you shoukd understand is that cutting my husbands parents off is not an easy decision and not something that has happened overnight. We are talking 10 years of passive aggressiveness, boundary stomping and backstabbing.... Of us....all because they dont get their own way.^

This is all so easy to say now! I don't think this person is going to be at all tolerant of her DiL.

I think the accusation of 'passive aggressive' is often used to attach those who are pleasant and reasonable and don't rise to the bait.

Thanks rose and tigger I must be in a brave mood today but thought I would not be alone. Many on here have had problems with 'difficult' to put it politely DiLs.

OP I wish you would say our baby our child. My makes you sound as though your DH has no input.
Apart from the original input.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I really feel for you LP, my MiL was very similar but I think the three day plan is superb! Don't give them the choice not to take their turn in the kitchen, just smile sweetly and ask what treat they have in store for you tonight! And I can see real advantages to having them to stay while you're working, less time for you to endure their selfish ways. It's a horrid situation as your husband will have divided loyalties but hang in there and hold your ground, sending you positive vibes ??

I can empathise with your point of view LP66. It's hard work being a teacher and it's hard work being the parent of a small child. Your in-laws clearly need to take this into account and come at a time convenient to you. In what circumstances is it acceptable for visitors invite themselves to stay in your house just when they choose to?

I'm sorry I can't offer any great strategies. I would have just said NO a long time ago.

Nonnie -- are you seriously suggesting that anybody who works long hours should refrain from having a child?

Leticia Can I just point out once again I am well aware most teachers can't just take time off and as my posts said we didn't know what kind of teaching jobs the OP and her husband have (we do now)? My first post said You and your husband need to take as much time off work as you can during the visit and if that is no time at all, then fair enough. Laugh away, but I prefer to know the facts and not jump to conclusions.

I feel sorry for the OP who after 10 years is still in contact with her in laws. We only ever hear one side of the story on here because that's how a message board works. I suspect this thread is touching a raw nerve for some who clearly have different opinions than others about what 'claim' or rights parents have over their adult offspring and grandparents over their grandchildren. Reading the whole thread again, alarm bells are ringing for me with posters responding in a negative manner to what LP66 is saying. Ironically I have just been reading the thread about grandparents who have been cut out of their children's lives.

Great post Zelide

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I don't think they should come whenever they want. Their visit should follow discussion and then agreement. Your husband is the one who should be talking to them and making the arrangements which you both have discussed in advance.

Grannynise no, that is not what I am saying, I am just wondering if they really do work all those hours.

Just things about this post which are all about me, me, my which really worry me. There seems to be no attempt to see anyone else's viewpoint and it feels like someone I know who twists everything they say about someone only to come back and tell that person the 'all my friends agree'. The OP imo is not really asking for advice at all, she just wants the ammunition to use to prove she is right.

It opens with wishing us all well, then the 'lovely ladies' followed by I am so nice I didn't cut him off from his family. Next they asked to have a bbq so friends and family could see the baby Why? They were in their own home! Are they so intimidated by her they have to have permission for their own BBQ? I very much doubt if she would ask their permission if she wanted one.

we have told everyone note the told not asked like you would expect. Then in laws say it is not a good time for them to come and presumably had a reason but that has not been taken into account.

but my fil asked "what else would you be doing that we cant come?" When my husband replied that he had to check with me to make sure we had no plans my fil acted like a bully..... That is a perfectly reasonable question but we don't know what the answer was. And it sounds to me like her DH didn't dare have an opinion without asking her. How did he act like a bully?

"i can come and visit when i want". sounds taken out of context and we really need to know the rest of the conversation to understand.

^ We are 2 grown adults with a very busy day to day life anf we dont have a close relationship with them. ^ I ask myself why they don't have a close relationship. It takes 2 to tango.

I have seen this before, throw enough mud without any actual evidence and hope it will stick. I think that if you analyse what the OP says instead of taking it all at face value you will see she is not as hard done by as she is trying to portray.

No I don't know her, no idea who she is but I have seen similar, and worse, behaviour and can see all the signs.

Well said, Nonnie. I wonder what the OP's relationship with her own parents is like.

My DD's in-laws treated her appallingly when she first met her DH. They spoiled her wedding day by sulking and ignoring our family. However, she is now on good terms with them. They are very lucky indeed as some girls wouldn't be so forgiving.

All teachers work those hours- unless they are part time.
They don't actually want to work those hours - it is what they need to do to survive!
I think OP is having a hard time, and I say that as the mother of 3 sons and no daughters. It appears to me that DH has taken the easy way out and not confronted them years back.

I just don't understand why OP's DH didn't simply say they would be at work as it would be term time when FIL asked what else they would be doing then?
Once you start shillying and shallying it sounds like excuses not reasons and bad feeling is much more likely.
I think he may have landed them in it by his lily livered weak reply.

Ufff where do i begin!

Nonnie- i appreciate your comments, but you do not know me, and ive only posted to gransnet once before about a month ago and it is genuinely to get advice and maybe try to understand where my pil attitudes and actions are coming from. The person who posted in summer i can assure you is not me. But if you think im nasty, selfish and telling lies.... Thats your opinion.

In all honesty when they come to stay with us they have never cooked or cleaned or picked up after themselves, i know it sounds untrue but its the truth! Believe me they are not frightened of me in any sense of the word....more the reverse, my fil scares me, he is quite intimidating and any attempt to assert ourselves has resulted in condescending treatment and humiliation.

Yes, the little boy that is their grandchild is our- me and my husbands child, if you knew me, you would know im not possessive in the least with him, but i am when people assume he is as much theirs as he is mine and think they should be consulted about everything to do in regards to him.

As for the bbq, they dont need to ask me to have a bbq, but when they expect us to be there for it and invite people to meet the baby, surely my listening to my suggestion of when would be best would be wise, so that everyone could get a cuddle?

I have a very close relationship with my family, but they are very respectful of my personal space and always ask us when the best time to visit is and we suggest when, if it suits great, if not they understand and we look at different options. They dont tell me they can come when they like- the conversation with my fil and dh was as black and white as i wrote it thats why im flabbergasted!!

We have lived abroad for 8 years, we live in the south of spain and work in Private schools- so a working day is 8-5 and there are nurseries open till 7pm as that is how the working day is here. My husband has a good relationship with his parents, when they are together they have a laugh, but yhe arent close personally and dont discuss private matters, before we had the baby he would prob ring them every few months or so to check in and see how everyone is doing and i have always been cordial and welcoming to them in spite of their behaviour towards me which has gotten worse since we had our baby. So in my eyes i wouldnt say we have a "close" relationship.

Also i dont tell anyone anything or make demands, i suggest or in a nice way explain how id like things to be....i was just truing to keep the post short- didnt realise every word would be analysed.

I will for the 7 days do what i have done for the last 10 years, smile and be polite, give them every opportunity to interact with their grandson, most of which they decline to take part in, and only so many times you can ask if they would like to bath, dress, feed him. I am sure i will be belittled and sarky passive aggressive comments will continue to flow as they always have done.

Sorry to be the "victim", i dont think i am a victim, as i could stand up for myself but if i did o dont really know what the outcome would be.

LP66 you do not have to justify yourself to this degree and wish you well with the visit. .

Leticia do you know a lot about teaching in Spain do you? I was a full time FE lecturer for years, so I know all about how hard and long educators work. And at the risk of repeating myself again, don't supply teachers have a say over when they work? As I said, I try not to jump to conclusions.

Oh well! Southern Spain. They definitely just want a hjoliday abroad on the cheap. Can't honestly say I blame them, although I would much prefer a nice hotel myself. Perhaps they will eat out during the day?

There must be a source of good quality ready meals womewhere in Southern Spain. Get a supply in the freezer and let them help themselves.

Perhaps someone like these people (who are excellent)

I suppose they will jinglebells! But they are welcome to cook in my kitchen as long as i dont come home to the dishes!!

Wilmasknickersfit- i think supply teachers in my school decide if they want to work they days that they are called to cover someone who is ill or whatever. I am a full time teacher, not supply though- i wish i could be!!

Nonnie i stand corrected- im still in September mode and so my last post was in summer, but i didnt have it deleted or anything, its still there.

Littlepig66
And when it is all over promise to treat yourselves/ yourself to something nice, that will keep you going!

Blimey - you would need to take out a mortgage to shop there! they jolly well should be excellent at that price!

Oh god a whole fortnight my mum stayed with us for a fortnight when we were expecting our daughter. I love my mum and have a fabulous relationship with her but blimey it was far too long!

I'm guessing you're a ftm and that your son is around 1 year old or less? The reason is that I felt exactly the same about my inlaws for that first year, everything they did irritated the hell out of me. Made me rage and I had to keep it quiet from my husband as they are his parents and I had to respect that but oh my god lol

I realised that what I thought was wildly passive aggressive was them trying to be 'assertive'. Once I realised and started piling up when I had a problem things got a lot better. We still have our moments but it's much better now.

Mine live just down the road so was every week - at least you only have to grin and bear it once in a blue moon. Try to make the most of it for your husbands sake. I'm guessing he'll quite like seeing them? X