So confused and Angry

I never realised how little our children apparently want to see us.
And how much their partners secretly hate us and grin and bear us.

Perhaps not all DC and DIL/SIL are the same though.

I don't think they are rosequartz. I think the transition to parent and grandparent just causes boundary issues that can be really difficult to deal with. As all parents do things so differently it's never going to be 100% rainbows and lollipops. It takes time to adjust. Took me ages but my relationship with my inlaws is getting better.

Funny that you should say it like that though - most Dil/sil think their inlaws hate them - I know I felt like that for a long time. There's 2 sides to every story and everyone thinks they're the victim lol

Rosequartz for what its worth i dont hate my pil, i would just like them to respect our decisions and come to visit us when everyone can enjoy their time and company. I can change how they behave towards me.......

We love seeing family and friends, just not the ones who make our lives difficult! And i know my inlaws dont like me- ive overheard them bad mouth me and seen the messages, so im always going to be in the wrong, arent I?

Mummyagain, you are correct in your assumptions, im glad im not the only one to feel like this. Its good to know that your relationship is getting better, i hope mine will too. I should consider myself lucky that im in another country, i know i dont have it as bad as some.

I mean i can't* change how they behave towards me

One word, compromise (them and you - with humour and a smile, they can't argue with that). I suffered much the same for many years with MIL. It was a constant struggle to keep thoughts to myself as husband didn't see it so it caused us many arguments and me much hurt. However many many years later she is in her 90s and and of course things are much different as she now leans on us and of course has mellowed. The gap between us narrowed and thankfully harmony is reigning. My advice, stick with it if you can with a bit of compromise and see where it takes you. And .... Give yourself a huge pat on the back and a bar of chocolate (or maybe a stiff drink) when they go!!!

You have my sympathy Littlepig. My husband was not English and his family (sisters, brother, cousins, niece)would come whenever it suited them. Sometimes we only knew when they were on the plane and expecting to be picked up at the airport. They always expected to be taken out and about and wanted their own country's food on the table. I put up with it for my husband's sake as he left his own land to live in this country with me and our children. But it did cause a few arguments!! Now my daughter is in the same position!! She doesn't mind immediate family such as his parents and brothers but resents the cousins who won't speak English with her, treat her rudely and expect to be waited on while letting their children run riot in her home. Saying they can't come is not an option when it is your husband's family, although she has said Christmas is off limits.

Others have given advice on this thread, I can't really as I just put up with it! Good luck!

I'm not sure I'd try humour on them. My MiL (who was difficult in different ways) had no understanding of humour at all - in 45 years I don't think I ever saw her laugh at anything. If I had ever tried to improve a situation with humour I think she would just have been offended.

I do know a lot about teaching, Wilma, and it is very hectic even if you supply teach- which OP doesn't . I admire anyone who teaches with a baby- I didn't have to. I don't think it possible to entertain visitors in term time unless they are self sufficient- in UK, Spain or anywhere.

However much you detest your pils, and however unreasonable they are, unfortunately they are the parents of yr husband and the grandparents of your son. To cut them off would cause distress to your husband and deprive your child of a relationship with his grandparents.

You are lucky that they live in another country. Think of it that you are not being put in prison for a couple of weeks twice a year, just having to put up with unwelcome guests. Maybe try to leave the four of them to their own devices as much as possible. Invent a crisis at school to be out/occupied with school work more than usual? Grit teeth and cross off the days!

Strangely enough, I'm a grandmother whose DiL has decided she doesn't like my husband (my sons stepfather) and doesn't want to be around him. I can't seem to get an answer apart from apparently he said something she didn't like. Not anything as bad as "get yer knickers off" apparently, but won't say exactly so have no idea. As I work in one country and they live in another it is awkward. Have currently settled for renting a holiday flat near dil's parents over Xmas period as ds has enforced leave then as do I and other grandparents house full so good excuse for holiday rental. Fortunately for me my son has negotiated an alternate day policy so we get to see him and the dgc whilst also having time to do our own thing. What we would do if we couldn't afford to rent holiday home I have no idea.

Thank you for all your suggestions, they have all been taken on board.

Flutterby123 i dont think we would cut them out of our live, im not that type of person i genuinely wish the relationship was better but i cant do anymore than I've already done and i can't change them, and i certainly wouldnt force my husband to cut off his parents- the kind of relationship we have with them now was a joint decision.

I think i should just try to concentrate on the positive and look on the bright side in that we arent close and we dont have much contact with them, so to "put up" with their behaviour towards me for a few weeks a year isnt as bad as some have it. I think that will just be my mantra from now on followed by a nice g&t!

Isn't it sad that it's almost always the sons poor mum that gets pushed out.Even when she's done nothing wrong.Its often just pure resentment.Dont you younger mums kid yourselves,you will feel just as heartbroken if it happens to you,and do you know what,Nobody can be truly happy,if they've caused others misery.And what goes around comes around.

If she has nothing wrong that is sad marmark1, but that isnt the story in my case.

Mar my sentiments. It is so easy to find reasons not to like the in laws and not to be tolerant of other people. Yes, so easy to get on with those you have been brought up with as you understand each other. It seems empathy is lacking.

Interesting LPthat you twice refer to my reference to a summer poster. In no way was it a reference to you but you suggest it was. A touch of paranoia? Might explain a lot.

I misread the post....apologies!

Mine are here, they arrived yesterday. They invited themselves to see DBH on his birthday, needless to say that was not how we had intended to spend the time but they were very insistent. MiL was very well-behaved until the meal last night, when she criticised the choices of meats and seafoods and cheeses in the buffet meal, and in particular the bowl of chocolate toffee eclairs which are DBH's favourite sweet and were put there as a joke.

She felt that the meal should have consisted of her own favourites. I tried to remind her that it was DBH's birthday and the foods there were for him, but she kept trying to override my explanation, saying 'he likes lemon bonbons much better!' At which I replied that yes, he had liked lemon bonbons, twenty years ago maybe...

DBH is also a teacher and he flatly refuses to have them anywhere near him in term time, he just gets too tired to cope with it, let alone when the children were small. MiL would say, let me help, but all she did was follow me and get in the way, occasionally carrying something to the dining table. She never finished a task I gave her, she would drift away on spotting something more exciting, so I'm not sure why she ever offered in the first place.

Before anyone gets upset and thinks I am just MiL bashing - my first MiL, with Ex, was just wonderful. I still miss her.

Thank you for giving me the chance to vent, littlepig.

Now excuse me, I have to listen to the life stories of a whole village of people I have never met. Again. Dashed with a soupcon of her funny turn last year, ending with a day-by-day (literally) account of what she has done over the past few days while they were on holiday - only today this will be accompanied by the dreaded Photos.

Oh you do sound a lovely tolerant person. How lucky for your mil, having you married to her son.

Is this site being totally over-run by Mumsnetters. I hope not.

I wonder if this is what Mumsnet is like? Not going to look though.

but i cant do anymore than I've already done and i can't change them

You never know, though, try the book I recommended, perhaps a different approach from you may have an effect on them - and cheer up, but a brave face on it, they are only there for a week or so. Don't be confused and angry, talk with your DH and work out the best way to handle this - and them - in a calm and rational manner.

Now excuse me, I have to listen to the life stories of a whole village of people I have never met. Again. Dashed with a soupcon of her funny turn last year, ending with a day-by-day (literally) account of what she has done over the past few days while they were on holiday - only today this will be accompanied by the dreaded Photos.
Keep smiling, stillhere they are older than you and won't be here for ever and then you will be free of them. Go and wash up while the old ones witter on with your DBH, I am sure she won't miss you being there to listen, it's probably him they've come to see, not you.

Strange one, though, isn't it. I have been thinking about this last night and again this morning. We have had threads started by DILs who are very concerned because of the distance their MIL (and FIL) keeps from the family. Being the mother of grownups or MIL is like walking on eggshells; apparently if we don't contact them, go to see them and cuddle the baby we are cold and unfeeling, if we do all that we are a nuisance and they can't bear to have us around.

Perhaps some straightforward honesty in a nice fashion is the answer.

I fail to see what else can be added to this thread.
OP has said her bit, others have chipped in with (constructive) suggestions, and OP has replied that she will just put up with it.
Is there more to say?
If OP is out at work all day (8-5?) she will be out of their hair but makes no mention of what her PILs will be doing all day. By the time she gets home and puts the baby to bed it will be their own bedtime. And it is only to be a week after all. Soon pass.
What's next?

Alea from the timing of her posts she clearly isn't working all those hours.

Bit of sleuthing there Miss Marple?!
OP did say her working day was 8-5 so I took that at face value.
Now I am going to have a moan.
If a person asks for advice/suggestions, gets it/them, and then says ," well, actually I'm going to go ahead anyway," what more is there to say? Other than opening the floodgates for diatribes against insensitive mothers in law when most of us would not DREAM of more than a flying visit especially when the DCs were at work. I am not talking about visits to DCs on the other side of the world, Australia or New Zealand, or of the sort of visit where Gran whether DM or MIL takes over by request in the event of illness/a new baby/any other emergency.
Maybe our feeble attempts at conversation are boring, but so can be the minutiae of breast feeding/stitches/potty training or tales of nights out with the girls on a Friday. Hasten to add I have never been party to ANY of the above, just saying, that maybe MIL is lonely and doesn't have much else in her life.
I started off sympathetic, but feel if a person cannot be adult enough to organise their own household in a civilised manner, don't go pleading "PIL from hell - poor me".

Like you Alea I usually take things at face value but for some reason this one simply feels like there is another agenda. Maybe because I know someone who does just this sort of mud throwing in order to gain sympathy and I know the truth!

I wonder if this is what goes on in Mumsnet, must pluck up the courage to look. Is it full of MiL bashing?

Oh Dear - life really is too short - just be nice and disarm them, they need loving, otherwise you will not just end up being the disgruntled daughter in law but the moaning wife. Try to be patient it will benefit your child too.