dgd hates me

Oh gosh, 'Santa won't come' is just not right at all

I do hear it a lot, and it's an empty threat anyway. I have heard people say to children they're going to write to Santa and tell him how naughty the children are, and I think it's unkind and unproductive.

Positive messages are better and keep the atmosphere happy

My wee grandson is almost two, but he understands a lot, and he can be awkward about getting dressed, getting his coat on and so on. What usually works is describing the fun things that are going to happen when his coat gets on, or saying 'which arm in the coat first?' and making a game. Of course it doesn't always work. Last week, I really needed him to get ready and he was running about saying 'no' and none of the above worked...so I just said 'OK, Gran will have her cross face then,' and I just looked at him without smiling, not even especially crossly, and he said 'no, no cross face' and let me put his coat on.

I had only used this once before, and haven't used it since, as I think I could over-use it! I am not expecting it to work for much longer, anyway.

If DGD2 is being awkward about putting on clothes or shoes to go out I often say 'I bet DGD can't put her shoes on all by herself, can she' or 'I don't suppose you can button up your coat, can you' - and she is only too happy to prove me wrong!
It usually works although occasionally she has snookered me by saying 'No, Granny, I can't!'.

It's the power of positivity over negativity isn't it. When and Then - I found myself using the 'when you've hung up your coat, put your school shoes and bag away, Then you can have a bowl of cereal' to my 12 year old. I'd forgotten it works with small children but was desperate - I'd come in and fall over the stuff she'd scattered as she came in and headed for the sofa and a bowl of cereal. The remarkable thing was she responded with 'ok mum', did exactly that and we kept it up (for a bit )

My younger DD would probably not bother with the cereal if it meant tidying something away .....

Ah yes rose quartz but the cereal was something my 12 year old prized above anything when she came in from school. She'd get the huge bowl of cereal, put the tv on and chill out until it was time for homework/evening meal. It was a special time for her - I was absolutely shocked when the 'when and then' technique I taught in parenting skills groups worked. I honestly had expected her to go into teenage moaning mode, it's not fair etc. but she responded in the same positive manner that I'd suggested it. Who knew!? Not me that's for sure.

To coin a phrase, it was master manipulation I suppose. But, it was positive, kind, warm and friendly so what's not to like.

Iam64 I could never find out what worked with DD2
Getting her up and to school was - well, enough said!
Guess what her job is
She's a teacher lol

I do not bribe children to get them to do anything. I didn't when mine were small and I do not with DGC, nor do I threaten them with consequences unless I have every intention of implementing them. I am not fierce or nasty, I always explain why I want something done, or not done, but I speak firmly and quietly and if they continue to play up I always impose the sanction I said would happen. DGC just accept that when with me it is 'Grandma's rules'.

I do not think they love me the less for being like this, at least they are always delighted to see me and we love doing things together.

thinking back to my childhood which was very strict and almost Victorian, I was often told that Santa would not come to me as I had been naughty, as I got older realised that it was an empty threat but I was still quite upset at the time. Ggran often says this to DGD and I realise that its not good, I have told her not to say that anymore.

It was quite common "back then" ethel. I'm sure I had it said to me. Luckily we think differently now

I think that it is much easier if you don't have to think about it- it was never said to me as a child and therefore I wouldn't say it. We probably carry on what our parents said without thinking.

I to have grandchildren although a lot older 3 of them in there 20s/30s hate me and have made that plain to my other grandchildren and why because I commited a sin in there eyes my husband died and after 4 years I married a man who I love very much his wife had also died we are very happy and no longer on our own so tell me is that so wrong to want to share the rest of your life with someone

No - not wrong. Glad you have found a new partner. There is nothing you can do about the family opposition.

It is all too easy to fall into the trap of being competitive with the "other granny". I remember feeling that I could never compete with my daughter in laws mother who lived in the same town as them and had an apartment in Spain for lovely holidays! Till I came to my senses. We live 100 miles away but when the children come they see it as a great treat, and moreover I have become "granny pancake" as we have early morning pancake for breakfast sessions which they help with. I have just the same lovely relationship with them as with the grandsons who live nearby. But they are all under 5 so this might all change as they grow older.

When our eldest grandson was tiny DH babysat him a lot during the day as he was retired and I was still working. We used to take him on holiday every year, and after a day on the beach we would often go to a field to play. Little GS would say " you stay here I go with grandad" which we tolerated for a bit - it suited me to sort out the caravan etc. But eventually we simply ignored it - no problem!!

Just be pleasant, kind and consistent. She will eventually come to you on her own terms. Maybe another granchild or someone else may have made an overheard remark or opinion, that has made your tot afraid of you. Most kiddies instinctively respond to a smile and a welcome. Just be patient, you will win her over.

I can sympathize a bit. My DIL tried to turn my DGD against me and also limiting the times we were able to see DGD and DGS . It was very hurtful and I shed many a tear. DGD, encouraged by DIL would say she was 'frightened' when she came into the room where I was, telling me how she loved her other grandma etc. But, I just tried to ignore the comments and thankfully now DGD often comes up to me and throws her arms around me saying 'I love you so much grandma'.

So, be patient ethelbags1, she will see you for what you are, a caring, loving grandmother. I, like you never thought it would happen - but it does - I PROMISE YOU!

Advice please. My DD is concerned that when her (just) 4 yr old caused an accident to another child (lots of blood but not serious) by driving a trike at her, he not only showed no remorse, but carried on pedalling despite being able to see the hurt and the blood etc. She is worried there was no empathy at all with the hurt friend. Is he still too young to have empathy for another child or is she right to worry? It is not the first time he has shown a lack of concern for his actions.

Ethelbags, there is a new series about four-year olds starting in Channel Four tonight at 8p.m. I watched the last series and it was very interesting and insightful. You may find it helpful in finding your way through the minefield that can be the relationships we have with our families. I would encourage anyone who is struggling with little ones to watch this programme. It's called "The secret life of four-year olds" and should be well worth watching. Enjoy!

Granarchist - interesting question, but start a new thread, otherwise we will all be confused

I will look out for that Bennan, might give me some tips on how to handle a nearly 'fantastic four year old'.
ethel am I right, is your DGD about to leave the 'terrible twos' and enter 'the thunderous threes'?

I mean, of course, a fantastic 'nearly four year old'

This is really painful if you let it be. I realised when my kids went through teenage that if I really needed them to like me I was sunk. Three to four can be a bit like teenage.
Look after yourself, don't rely on her to make you feel better - and bring your friends and family around you too, to support that.
Then I think the behaviour will change, because you're not rising to it.
Good luck!

Dear Ethelbags, I had that happen too and it was horrible and I was so hurt. I think it must be a three year old thing, its kind of an awkward age for them, a transition from baby to child and in her case there was a pair of new twins to contend with. I gave her a bit of space and tried not to expect too much and then one day when I was leaving she yelled out from the gate " I love you Nangie". You can imagine my happiness!

She's four now and so much better behaved and has gone back to her old affectionate
self. I so hope it works out like that for you!

We had a sleepover at my house Saturday night and after playing Halloween games with a (safe plastic) pumpkin . I got lots of hugs and kisses so it seems Im forgiven for what ever I did.