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Mum wants to be in delivery room

(91 Posts)
almostthere Mon 16-May-16 15:35:06

Hello. I hope it's ok if I ask you ladies your advice on something. I'm having my first baby soon and it will be the first grandchild for my parents!

Anyway, my lovely mum mentioned the other night that she'd love to be present for the birth. Now, don't get me wrong - we have a fabulous relationship, are very close and I want her to be in the hospital, absolutely.

But I do feel that I'd like to keep the birth itself entirely private, between my partner and I. Plus I don't really want anyone (who isn't there for a medical reason) down at the business end if you see what I mean. How to I let my mum know this without hurting her feelings? Or is hurting her feelings inevitable in this case? sad I know she'll be the best grandma. I just want her to understand it isn't personal. Just something I feel is deeply private between partner and I. Any advice greatly appreciated. Thank you

MiniMouse Mon 16-May-16 15:51:14

Do you see your DM every day? If not, then you could avoid any confrontation by not contacting her when you go into labour, or not telling her when you do. Wait until the baby's arrived. That may sound harsh, and she may initially feel hurt, but I think it should be up to you and your OH who is present at the birth.

thatbags Mon 16-May-16 15:51:59

Just tell her you'd like it just to be you and your partner but you'd love to see her and show her the baby soon after. I don't really see why she needs to be at the hospital during your labour. It can take a while, you know. Tell her you'll call her as soon as you can after the birth and leave it at that.

thatbags Mon 16-May-16 15:52:30

minimouse's suggestion is perfect.

Stansgran Mon 16-May-16 15:55:35

I think it's a bit odd all this spectator sport for a birth. I would actually say out right how much you appreciate her thoughtfulness for your welfare but you would feel anxious on her behalf in case anything went wrong(nothing will) knowing how much she would worry on your behalf.

hulahoop Mon 16-May-16 15:55:35

Tell her you want it to be a special time for you and partner . Personally I wouldn't have wanted to be there unless they really wanted me .

willsmadnan Mon 16-May-16 16:05:43

Dear almosthere, I second thatbags advice. ... all of it. I'm sure you have a fabulous relationship, but this particular milestone is for you and your partner. Much as you love your mum, this is a moment (or several hours) for you 'almost ' parents exclusively. And I really do mean that. My DD and I are very close, but in no way would I have expected.... or wanted to be present at the birth. Grandparents do not figure in this equation.... take your time to bond with your baby, and be firm!

almostthere Mon 16-May-16 16:09:55

I don't see her every day minimouse, but we don't live too far (about an hour and a half) and we talk every week on the phone. It's only come up once so far, but I wouldn't feel right not dealing with the issue head on.

Were you/would you be hurt by being excluded from the birth? Whenever we've watched programmes like One Born Every Minute, we always seem to see lots and lots of mums present for the birth. I began to think it was me being odd/cold not wanting her there.

She's tough in some ways, but quite fragile in others and we've had some quite difficult times over the last few years (illnesses etc.). We're coming out the other side now, luckily.

Maggiemaybe Mon 16-May-16 16:10:19

Yes, I'd just tell the truth, as hulahoop says. From what you say about your mum, I'm sure she'll understand. I would have hated my mum to be there at any of the births, much as I loved her, and certainly had no desire to be at my DGC's births. One Born Every Minute has a lot to answer for!

almostthere Mon 16-May-16 16:13:41

doesn't it just maggiemaybe!

almostthere Mon 16-May-16 16:15:45

i suppose it's more just a matter of gritting my teeth and taking the plunge now - thank you all for confirming my suspicions! I'm sure she will be fine - maybe a bit disappointed to begin with, but hopefully she'll come round. It's just difficult - I do adore her and hate to cause her any upset, however big or small.

MiniMouse Mon 16-May-16 16:19:04

almostthere Why not broach the subject with her and see how she takes it? I wasn't at the births of any of my DGCs and didn't expect to be. If my DD or DDiL had asked me to be present then I would have agreed to it.

I'm sure that, whatever you decide to do, your DM will be so excited to see the new arrival that anything else will be forgotten (and forgiven!).

kittylester Mon 16-May-16 16:20:47

Tell the truth. I think it's very peculiar for it to be anyone other than the father (if he's available) to be there. My niece has invited her mum to be with her when she has her baby. My brother (the grandfather) is slightly put out that he isn't included.

None of my daughters invited me thankfully and when I asked if they would have liked me there there was a really loud 'no'!

willsmadnan Mon 16-May-16 16:22:54

Stop watching One Born Every Minute almostthereshock That bl....y stupid programme should be taken off. I'm amazed at the crowd of relatives that rock up in the maternity wards. Just waiting for Uncle Tom Cobley and the Man on the Clapham Omnibus to be seen in the delivery room soon!

phoenix Mon 16-May-16 16:33:40

You're the one giving birth, you have the baby your way, and don't let anyone interfere with that!

Luckygirl Mon 16-May-16 16:40:06

I have 3 DDs - one wanted me there for her 3 births. I had to duck out at the point where the first one resulted in an emergency section, just missed the third, but was there for the middle one - it was very moving as my own mother died suddenly 2 days later.

But the other two girls chose to make it a matter between them and their partners and I respected that. I did not feel sidelined or upset, and was happy to go with their choice. It was not a problem at all. We saw the babes when they were ready for us to, and they were then able to make us very welcome as we were not surplus to requirements so to speak.

I have sometimes watched One Born Every Minute and there have been several occasions when Mum has muscled in and it was very obvious that SIL was not happy with this.

Hopefully you can let her know in a nice way that you love her dearly and will want to show her the baby as soon as possible, but that you would like the birth to just be between you and your partner - oh and the midwife!

To be strictly honest I do not think your Mum should have said this to you, but left you to invite her. This does make it sightly more difficult for you. Good luck with your birth.

Liz46 Mon 16-May-16 16:40:52

This could be the first of several things that have to be worked out. My daughter and I are quite straight and blunt with each other as we find this best. Negotiations go better if you are both honest. This will apply to child minding (lovely), discipline etc.
For instance when my second grandchild was born, we were looking after the first. We had precise instructions, after the birth, to take the first grandchild to meet her new brother at the hospital and go away until they phoned and invited us back! We went to their house, nearby and cleaned the kitchen which had been abandoned and then went back for the happy meeting - no problem.

almostthere Mon 16-May-16 16:41:48

Thanks phoenix - I will, don't you worry! I won't be swayed, it's just more a question of how to break the news as gently as possible

willsmadnan - exactly! The world and his wife seem to want to be involved and I'm just supposed to be alright with that

dramatictessa Mon 16-May-16 16:41:55

I told my DS and DD years ago that I'd love to be at the birth of a baby. When my DGS was born I was at the hospital for a couple of hours then went home as both DS and DiL said they wanted it to be just them. I was so pleased as I had completely changed my mind about wanting to be at the actual birth! It's up to you who is there, and I doubt you mum will be upset - just make sure you let know when the baby is born as soon as you can so she can stop worrying and start celebratingwine

thatbags Mon 16-May-16 16:45:32

If you don't want her there, that's what's important. It is not your job to worry about how she feels at a moment like this; it's hers to worry about how you feel. Having your first baby is one of the most momentous things you'll ever do. You'll want your mum there as soon as your sorted after the birth and you can invite her to come and see you and baby.

Seriously, it's worth taking charge and doing what you (and your partner) want with your child right from the start.

thatbags Mon 16-May-16 16:46:03


granjura Mon 16-May-16 16:46:44

I'm afraid you have to be honest and tell her that you strongly feel you should share the birth with your partner- and that you'd love her to be in the waiting room so she can see you very soon after the birth to welcome her grandchild. Honesty, but gently, is the only way. Bonne chance x

MargaretX Mon 16-May-16 16:48:19

the(grand) mother should not forget that it is an intensely private affair and many couples enjoy the experience of being just the two of them and thebaby. DD1 is a midwife and she advises -see no-one until after 5 days. Mother and baby need peace and quiet and NO STRESS until the milk is really flowing. Baby is also better not being handed around.
Its alright if you're all there enjoyng the fun but its the new mum who has to cope with being half dressed or half undressed and having a crying baby to feed as well. New Dads need time learning how to hold the baby. Give them time.

LullyDully Mon 16-May-16 16:48:20

Really I totally agree with people who say it's between you and your partner and a bit cheeky of Mum to expect to be present. Only if you are without a partner would this be appropriate or you were desperate to have her there.

Start as you mean to go on, this is your baby.

Don't worry we will explain it to her once she joins grandest.blush

Daddima Mon 16-May-16 16:59:33

Oh dear, am I odd? ( answers on a postcard!)

When I delivered my first child, fathers were not invited, and, to be honest, I didn't think it was a "spectator sport", so was happy to cope on my own.Not much changed with child 2, but I was blessed with a very swift delivery, so by the time the Bodach returned to the hosp, the son was delivered.

The idea of my mother ( and, even worse, my father!) attending would have scarred us all for life!