Am I being unreasonable

Oh dear I wish that was my only grumble about other half, you don't know how lucky you are. However saying that, if your not happy with him and feel you shouldn't be together DO NOT BUY THE HOUSE.... need to sort out your relationship/ feelings before you commit any deeper.

Gifts can be tricky. Most of us probably like perfume and therefore think it's a good present, but it depends what it means to the OP. She describes it as "impersonal" - so maybe she feels he has bought something labelled, in his mind, as a suitable present for a woman without thinking about her actual likes and dislikes. A bit like buying a man something car-related, because all men supposedly like cars. You can't really judge someone's reaction without knowing what caused it.

She does say that her husband's help with the chores was very much appreciated, and presumably it would be appreciated even more if he did it more often, given that they both have full-time jobs and she's doing most of the domestic stuff.

As for MiL moving in, it depends on how well they get along and whether the layout of the house allows them both some privacy. Also depends on MiL's attitude to their marriage and whether she is likely to get involved.

I wouldn't write off this relationship yet. We've been through much greater storms in our marriage and we're still together!

IN all the 40 years of marriage my husband and I never gave each other birthday presents except love. For our silver wedding he was going to buy me the engagement ring he couldn't afford at the time but I opted for a new motorised lawn mower. Marriage has to be worked at and love and understanding and give and take are more important than material things. I still miss him after 30 years of widowhood.
Make sure that MIL has her own space. granny annex?

Could it be that MIL moving in could be a bigger issue than you think or you perhaps (lack of a better term) resent Ataloss123 - In my humble opinion 2 queens cannot rule a castle .. he can always look after her if she lives on her own .. or if you can afford her own 'granny flat' we all need our own space and privacy - just my opinion ladies please don't be harsh!

Using the money from her property along with your own, you should get something a bit bigger which could give MiL her own space, then you too can have your own space. But make sure that you and your husband are both singing from the same hymn sheet, or there could be discord.

The perfume issue is neither here nor there, there are bigger issues at stake.
You may well love your husband, and he you, but you seem to be on very shaky ground at the moment. You sound as though you are already feeling alienated and unappreciated, this can only get worse when MIL moves in or if you lived with her.
I think that you both need to sit down and talk without arguing about what you both want to get out of the marriage, but to have an in law with you is really really difficult and unless you have a very strong marriage, it's going to be a recipe for disaster I'm afraid.

I think that the perfume is a sympton
The ultimatum of MIL moving in
Or you all moving in with her is the cause of your disquiet.
After your DC has gone to bed,
Sit down with a glass of wine and an egg timer.
Allow each other to say how they feel for the turn or turns of the timer.
No interruptions or raised voices are allowed.
Then both reflect for a couple of days and then have another quite discussion.
Perhaps you will both have some answers

Good luck.

Very ungrateful to moan about the gift. Even if I don't particularly like a gift I would never be so ungracious. Just be thankful he took the trouble to get it and also do the chores the day before. As for buying a house together and moving Mil in with you, recipe for disaster. Think long and hard about the implications of such actions. You may very well regret it later and there will be a lot of painful unpicking to do!

If my DP bought me perfume,I would be well pleased,and would not regard it as an ' impersonal gift'!

I wonder if you could try " mum s net" as it s full of younger mums.
Honestly, don't even consider either moving into m.i.l s house or buy one for all. It would be a disaster !!
It's not the right time. You need to explain to husband that it's not the right time, and you could re consider once you feel your relationship is more solid. Has m.i.l. Said she agrees to this, or is it all your husband s idea? Maybe she could buy a flat near to you? Rented seems best for you to remain in until you feel this relationship will last, cos you'd have all the expense of re selling or buying the other out if things don't work out. You can go to counselling on your own .

Ataloss don't know if you are still reading this. There seems to be a lot for you and your partner to sort out. Why is he holding back some of his income? Will your MIL pay her share of the expenses when you all live together, what will she do all day, will you still be near her friends? - will MIL help with childcare etc so that you don't have to do everything? Will you have your own sitting room when you move or share with MIL?
Meanwhile, in your current situation. If you are paying equal shares into the bank, why are you not also doing equal shares of the work? Does your partner do the gardening and DIY as his share? It sounds as though he might be amenable to doing more and maybe you need to talk about having a rota or something, so that you don't get tired and can enjoy each other's company. If MIL is not going to help with housework, you could consider getting paid help for cleaning and ironing, or you could reduce your hours and do it yourself, deducting an appropriate cost from what you pay into the joint account. Starting again in later life is never easy, but neither is being on your own. Do you get out together for a meal, or a drink, go to a show etc? - learn to talk - Make a list of what you love about him - think of tennis - it is easier to fight for every point to win the game, than to give up and have to play another whole set!

I think most of us are of the same mind about not living with m-in-l until you have sorted your own issues. I must say though I think you are lucky getting a w/end away on your own I never did when mine were young as for perfume unless you really hated
Then accept what I think is a personal gift . It is easy to feel unappreciated when life is busy you both need to sit and have a good talk without arguing or shouting. Good luck

What was the perfume ? That will tell us a lot about this situation. Was it one he knows you like ? I am still using some C no 5 that a lover gave me years ago. It still means something.

Until things are better I would suggest putting buying a house on hold for the time being. And under no circumstance have your MIL move in with you. It will not work.

Keep it simple on the financial front - if you part whilst renting and without MIL living under your roof it will be easier.

If you, your husband and MIL all have a share of the house you would be heading for a more complicated and expensive divorce procedure.

Have you thought of one of you moving out temporarily to give each other breathing (and thinking) space? You thought enough of this man to marry him. If you can't fix it move on!

i think we have to decide what we want from a relationship. Some women want a very close thing, where you are 'living in each others' pockets' - as my mum would have said. I would hate to be in that sort of a relationship - I need to have some space and be able to do things on my own Of course marriage is about 'give and take', so we all have to find a way of getting along together, valuing each other and ourselves. I don't really know if the OP knows what she wants out of this relationship, nor how well she knows herself. So, I would suggest it's time for a good, long think and then take up some of the many excellent suggestions that GNers have already posted.

Thank you to all.
Clearly the consensus is that I was very unreasonable. I accept that.
While I do respect all opinions given, I do struggle with the thought that because I am a woman I do an unequal share of chores and this is how it must be because this is the life of women everywhere. And no he doesn't do gardening or DIY.
MIL would have her own sitting room and bathroom in the house should we all move in together. I will say again as perhaps it wasn't clear that it is not me asking MIL to live with us, it is my husband's wish that she does. I have no problem with MIL, she is a lovely woman.
Thank you again to all.

Ataloss you are in quite a muddle aren't you because it has all become very tangled up. Do forgive the long post but there is an enormous amount in your post.

I am interested in your communications. You say you always argue so do you only communicate when you want to argue or pick holes in something or other? On the other hand do you communicate when you want to tell him how good he is looking today, how well he has done something, how much you appreciate him just being there, what a good dad he is to your child etc. etc. Communication is not a tool for criticism alone and is better when used to build up and bolster rather than knock down and destroy.

You say that as you don't communicate well then you don't get on and shouldn't be together. I am sorry to say this but that is just back to front illogicality, plain laziness or just muddled thinking! Take your pick! No one has ever found marriage to be easy or that it is not something you have to work on. So turn that around and just think about what you said and look with me at the opposite for a moment. You could have said that if you communicated better you would get on better and would clearly see that you belong together!
There was clearly something that brought you together in the first place and then the two of you also made a baby together which does change everything for you both. We haven't heard much about the little one in all this and that interests me too because you are not just a wife now you are also a mother. You are also a DIL but we haven't heard about your MIL either. Do you get on together?

Your husband needs help to know what you would like for a present and you can do this in a number of ways ranging from 'the subtle' to the 'dropping a brick on his foot' method. Men are not mind readers! You need to be gracious when he has had to do his best because you have failed to help him know what you want and resolve to do better for the next time!
You say that you do nearly all the cooking, childcare etc. so clearly he does some of those things too which is good. He did quite a lot of good and nice things when you were away and sadly you blew them all away. You need to apologise big time.

Your finances interest me too. DH and I have always had joint accounts and all money is paid into the joint current account, bills are paid from that, savings transferred into a joint savings account and we have discussions on holidays, purchases and other spending. We find it easier to talk about OUR money and OUR plans and that prevents resentments building up. We always earned differing amounts but we always ignored that and we put our all into our marriage and shared everything. It works.
You are married and therefore not a single any more so it is not surprising you don't have time to yourself and in any case you should be working on your new identity as half of a pair and a parent. So when did you last go off for a romantic weekend with your husband, have an evening out, go to the theatre or just for a walk together? Do you go out as a family unit at all?

You say that you do all the child care and yet you work full time so I find that puzzling. Anyway if you don't need to go out to work for financial reasons then think about your feelings about this area of your life. It often pulls a mum in different directions to her natural feelings and even costs money to go out to work, often in unexpected ways, funnily enough

It seems to me that the possibility of buying your own house is changing the dynamics too and then the addition of MIL into the household alters everything yet again. Why do you think this is? Get a piece of paper and write down your thoughts on the whole scenario. I think you will find it most revealing and you may well get to know the real you. If you can communicate to your husband what you find out about yourself without causing a row then you are definitely on to something!
You could try asking him questions lovingly and listening to the answers from him without your added criticism would help you to understand him too.
Will be interested to hear how things go.

Sorry Ataloss x posts!

You say "While I do respect all opinions given, I do struggle with the thought that because I am a woman I do an unequal share of chores and this is how it must be because this is the life of women everywhere." but that is NOT how it must be. Share and share alike, the work of the house as well as the use of it. Your two incomes are "our income" and your home is "our home" When you both come home from work, you each do half the work.

Elegran,
These are not my thoughts but what some of the people responding have said. I believe that some were saying this is a woman's lot. I have tried to tell my husband that I am struggling with the amount I do.

Synonymous

I haven't said much about my child because they are not part of my aggrievements.our child is a funny, charming and thriving child. When I say child care I mean caring for our child. Our child will come to find me even though my husband is in the same room because mummy is the one who more often than not sorts him out.
We go out as a family unit but rarely as a couple.
I know I need to apologise big time. He is out tonight so I haven't seen him yet today.

Ataloss you have said your MIL is a lovely lady.
But you have not said if you
NOT your Husband) are in fact happy to share a home with your MIL
You also said that your DH has said that either way (you move in with MIL or you buy new home that will accommodate your MIL
So he is not asking you
He is telling you how its going to be.
If this is the case then I'm afraid he is putting his DM before his family
And you ANBU

Is it that You are cross with your DH and just using the perfume as an excuse.?

What does he buy his DM for her birthday?

Hello Ataloss and well done you for thinking through the situation you were in and trying to get another perspective on it.

As you can no doubt discern from the range of responses already given, there is no 'one size fits all' when it comes to relationships, each one is unique and we all muddle through in our own way.

I hear your resentment at juggling the household when both you and your husband work and it seems to me that there is room for a direct discussion about this. One obvious (to me) resolution is to suggest to your husband that as he doesn't currently share the chores he might like to consider doing so or perhaps pay for additional help in the home.

It seems there is a great deal of talking and listening both you and your husband need to do in order for there to be a change in your circumstances. If counselling hasn't helped then I suggest you try something different until you can agree on what you both find helpful:
www.careforthefamily.org.uk/family-life/marriage-support

He bought you perfume? I think that's personal but I suppose it depends if you wear perfume or not. If he did all the ironing I'm surprised he didn't buy a nice new iron as a present. Or a set of saucepans.

You had a night away with a girlfriend? And you have a young family? I think that's wonderful. Lucky you, I can't remember ever doing that.

I am wondering if you have underlying concerns about your MIL coming to live with you and picking an argument over something small like perfume was an outlet for your frustrations?

You need to talk and discuss things without it descending into an argument.

You say you don't go out as a couple - if MIL comes to live with you could this be an opportunity to have a live-in baby-sitter (without taking advantage of her too often) and the two of you could go out for some romantic evenings together.

Ataloss how are the pair of you at communicating with other people? Is it that you don't get on, or do you have problems dealing with others as well?

Some people really can't do it. My DH is nearly impossible to talk to at times but it's only since we've had an autistic grandson that I've realised that his brain just doesn't work like mine.