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What is the right thing to do

(56 Posts)
Serkeen Sat 09-Dec-17 19:37:21

When I visit my grandson and it is time for me to go home he cries and does not want me to leave.

I decided that the best thing to do is just slip away and not say bye so to avoid his tears

My daughter in law however thinks different, she thinks that even though he gets upset and cries loads, I should still say goodbye.

Please help with your opinion

So interested in your thoughts

Thank you

vampirequeen Sat 09-Dec-17 19:42:27

DD2 was a terrible 'goodbye' crier. Even now, as an adult, she has a problem with that word but she understands it's illogical so can control it. Develop a routine around goodbye and stick to it. Make it short and sweet and go. Your GS will cry for a while then be OK. The longer you draw out the goodbye the worse it will be. If you just disappear it will confuse him because he's not yet of an age to understand why you just disappear.

Ilovecheese Sat 09-Dec-17 19:42:40

I think you should say goodbye. He might be more anxious wondering if you were going to vanish at any time, so even if he is upset, he does have certainty.

Bridgeit Sat 09-Dec-17 19:54:29

How young is your dear Grandson? Just keep it light telling him you will be back soon & perhaps ask him to count how many sleeps it will be etc until will be back again,try to involve him, by saying something like how many minutes on the clock has Nanny got left etc ... good luck

absent Sat 09-Dec-17 20:27:33

All little ones go through separation anxiety about the important people in their lives. My youngest grandson (two and a half) still sometimes has little fits when he is being driven home from my house, yelling "Other way! Back to Granna!" While flattering, this is also a bit upsetting, especially for his mum who may have to endure the shouting all the way home. He also has a bit of a grumble when mum leaves for work and he stays with me. However, we do the constant reassurance that you will see Mum/Granna again soon. He's now more inclined to say, "Bye, see you next week".

Serkeen Sat 09-Dec-17 21:02:16

Thank you for your comments so far, no one is saying yes just slip out, everyone so far has said that goodbye should be said.

My grandson is two, I feel that if I just slip away without the goodbye, it saves the upset, am I on my own with that thought ?

lemongrove Sat 09-Dec-17 21:11:08

I agree that you should always say goodbye, and then say that you will see him again soon.I used to have this problem and found that leaving my slippers and a scarf there helped.
DGS was about 2.He used to walk about in my slippers! It reassured him that I would be back again.

lemongrove Sat 09-Dec-17 21:11:56

Just doing a vanishing act may upset him even more.

Smithy Sat 09-Dec-17 21:20:29

My grand daughter cries too when I leave their house, and when she leaves mine she sometime cries and sometimes she says she doesn't want to go. I would never not say goodbye to her though, I always give her a big hug and say I'll see you very soon.

Daddima Sat 09-Dec-17 21:28:08

Goodbye should most definitely be said, with a cheery “ see you tomorrow/ on Wednesday/ next week, etc, followed by a swift retreat with no further discussion.
They will soon learn that you speak the truth.
Sneaking away leads to more clingyness.

cornergran Sat 09-Dec-17 22:19:36

I can only agree with others serkeen. I’m afraid you risk your grandson not trusting you if you sneak out. He may only be two but he will understand that you leave and he’s sad but you do come back. I know it’s hard to leave an upset child but it will help him in later life. Why not leave something of yours as lemongrove suggests, it could well help. .

Friday Sat 09-Dec-17 22:41:27

Good advice. I like lemongrass’s idea. Tell him he’s looking after it for when you return.

Luckygirl Sat 09-Dec-17 22:43:29

Say goodbye - he needs to be able to trust those who love him, and know that, even if they have something to say he will not like, they will not be underhand with him.

Jalima1108 Sat 09-Dec-17 23:13:34

I would say bye bye and see you 'whenever it is' too - it's a good idea about leaving something behind for him to look after for you. Children often cry inconsolably and you feel terrible but then it is forgotten five minutes later. Your DIL will probably be ready with something to distract him as soon as you've gone home.

Marydoll Sun 10-Dec-17 07:59:28

My DIL usually picks up my DGD, but the other night my son came to get her. When he started to put on her coat, she started to crying, saying: " Don't want to see mummy!. Want to stay with gran" . My other children and partners had all popped in, so she was having a great time and was obviously enjoying all the attention. . She was two minutes in the car, when the crying stopped!
I thing " Lemongrove's* idea is a good one, disappearing without a word may cause even more anxiety.

ginny Sun 10-Dec-17 08:44:06

I would never slip away without saying ‘goodbye ‘. How worrying that is. Imagine your DH or whoever you live with just suddenly disappearing. As an adult we can understand but probably not a two year old
I have had this with my DGC and have sometimes left something of mine and told them that I’ll be back to collect it on ... whenever.

harrigran Sun 10-Dec-17 09:20:48

I experienced this with GD1 when she was barely able to talk, she fell asleep at my house and DS carried her into the car, she woke up at home and she was inconsolable. DS rang me and asked me to speak to her because he assumed she had missed her cuddle bye,bye. She could only say grandma and could not tell them what it was that had upset her. The same GD asks if she can stay and send the rest of the family home.

Serkeen Sun 10-Dec-17 09:21:55

Ok guys thank you, I will try the leaving something behind thing and will bite the bullet and take your overwhelming advice to say goodbye, otherwise what would have been the point of asking for advice.

I will let you know how things go with it all.

Thank you for your time, really appreciate it x

Friday Sun 10-Dec-17 09:46:27

A thoughtful decision Serkeen Don’t expect miracles though, it will take time.

grandMattie Sun 10-Dec-17 10:07:57

My GS used to cry buckets when we went to pick him up from his mum's, then cry when he had to leave us. It was always the same. He grew out of it and forgave us for taking him away and for leaving him.
Don't worry - it is horrible at the time, but it realy does go away...

grandMattie Sun 10-Dec-17 10:08:48


radicalnan Sun 10-Dec-17 10:11:19

I tell the GC I have to go home to feed the dog, they understand that, and then I can ring and tell them when I am home, and tell them what Ernie ate. I take instructions from them, how many biscuits will he get etc They like to feel they are 'in charge' of the leaving.

If you have no pets, you can have plants to water or even a phantom old lady who needds some help........make a story of it.

pollyperkins Sun 10-Dec-17 10:13:10

I too have been tempted in the past to slip away or wished my D would do that when Im babysitting but really it is counterproductive for all the reasons others give. I now always say goodbye and they do get over it surprisingly quickly especially if reassured they'll see you again soon.

Gagagran Sun 10-Dec-17 10:26:36

My "littlies" used to get upset when I left after visits so I started giving them a big cuddle then opened their hand, put a kiss in it and quickly closed their fingers. I told them that was for them to keep and use when they wanted until we saw each other again. That worked a treat and they still, even though they are all now teenagers, want a big hug and blow a kiss as they leave.

Barmeyoldbat Sun 10-Dec-17 10:31:33

Tell him goodbye and that you will be coming again soon, even say when.