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Ask a gran


(42 Posts)
Tayli101 Mon 18-Dec-17 17:26:33

Ok, my mum died 16 yrs ago when my first child was 3 months old. Devastated doesn’t even begin to cut it. I have three children, a fab hubby, lovely house etc. I just have no family older than me. I haven’t seen my dad since I was 14, he met someone else and ‘the new wife’ didn’t like me so I stopped seeing him. As an adult I realise he should have had more backbone to stick up for me and not just to pretend I didn’t exist. Anyway consequently I don’t have any relations at all. Most of the time my husband and kids are ‘enough’ just sometimes I am just lonely. Love to have someone older I suppose I could talk to, an adoptive grandparent? Any ideas?

Greenfinch Mon 18-Dec-17 18:08:52

Do you have a neighbour that might fit the bill ?

Tayli101 Mon 18-Dec-17 18:20:29

Not really. We live in the country and the neighbours don’t fit the bill 🙁

BlueBelle Mon 18-Dec-17 18:45:28

Well as you get older there is no one older than you I m definitely next in line xx
You sound as if you have plenty of love around you so I d say embrace that all you can
Have a lovely Christmas with your family

Tayli101 Mon 18-Dec-17 18:57:29

I am only 42 though!

paddyann Mon 18-Dec-17 21:57:07

I found it bvery difficult when at my Mums funeral my cousin reminded me she was the last of her generation and that we were now the elders in the family.No one who remembered us as babies or first days at school etc.Sadly ,it comes to us all ,and we may not like it but we have to learn to live with it.Maybe you could help at events for seniors in your area and you might strike up a friendship ...or two with older ladies who would love to speak to you.In the meantime be very grateful for what you do have and enjoy christmas and have a2018 thats full of peace and love and laughter

Luckygirl Mon 18-Dec-17 22:04:15

There are schemes for befriending older people either by phone or in the flesh - speak to your local Age Concern.

Does your OH not have older relatives?

Tayli101 Mon 18-Dec-17 22:16:10

He does but they don’t live in this country. We see them two maybe three times a year

MissAdventure Mon 18-Dec-17 22:29:27

Ah yes. You could volunteer as a befriender. Its a lovely scheme.

durhamjen Mon 18-Dec-17 22:44:00

AgeUK now.

Granny23 Mon 18-Dec-17 22:46:00

When my father died (the last of that generation) my sister announced dramatically ' We are orphans now'. I did not feel like that, I was just grateful that our parents had lived longish fulfilled and happy lives and had passed on much love and wisdom to us and that my DC had a full set of grandparents until they reached adulthood. My DGC are similarly lucky with a full set of GPs and I have made sure, via photographs and reminiscence that they are learning about their family history, their GGPs and why they have some of their middle names.

Your children have not had that grandchild/Granny relationship which is more than sad, but you can make sure that they know all about their Grandmother and how much she would have loved them'.

Locally, there are many organisations short of volunteers to help at lunch clubs, or befriend lonely elderly people. Perhaps if you volunteered in this way you would be rewarded by developing friendships there.

Also feel free to join in on Gransnet, we would be happy to hear your joys and sorrows and how your children are growing up. Do any of them resemble your Mum or share her talents and characteristics?

moobox Tue 19-Dec-17 09:24:37

Join the WI. Ours is full of active young-at-heart elderlies.

Teetime Tue 19-Dec-17 09:32:13

Well you can talk with all of us on here Taylil101. There are often meet up and there nay be one in you area. Lots of people on here have formed friendships - keeping talking with us you don't have to be a gran to be on here. I know what you mean even though I am a bit older than you I miss not having older relatives to sit with and here their stories and ask their advice.

lemongrove Tue 19-Dec-17 09:34:01

Yes, join WI for sure! I joined when I was about your age, they always appreciate younger members.

Jaycee5 Tue 19-Dec-17 09:34:15

I agree with the suggestion that you contact Age Concern or look for similar organisations in your area. They may know people who would like an occasional visitor and you might find someone you like.
You have to be careful because people can become a bit dependent probably without them really realising. I befriended an elderly neighbour whose wife (who was a lovely lady) died very suddenly and he was at a loss). He used to watch for me coming home from work and the phone would be ringing as I walked through the door and it got to the point that I had to walk around the block and come down the road from another direction to avoid it. It was my fault for giving him my phone number for emergencies. If I hadn't done that, it would have been fine.
Or you could volunteer to help in a charity shop. Most of the people who help out in the shops near me seem to be quite elderly. Then you would be meeting them in a mutual way and friendships would either develop or not.

lesley4357 Tue 19-Dec-17 09:36:01

I get it. An only child, mum died when I was 32, dad when I was 50. I have OH, daughter and grandkids, but still feel the loss of unconditional love you get from parents .

Maidmarion Tue 19-Dec-17 09:36:24

My mum died when I was 14 and I've lost the rest of my 'older family' so I 'get it'! I'm thinking of becoming a 'rent-a-gran lol!!!!!!

SussexGirl60 Tue 19-Dec-17 09:37:59

Whatever you do, I’d do it after Christmas. This is such an emotive time of year. Probably everyone feels lonely at times. If it still feels important to you some time in January, there are ways of changing things as the other posts have mentioned. If Christmas seems impossible, you could maybe volunteer with giving out Christmas dinners on the day...lots of organisations do that. Look forward to a Happy New Year.

silverlining48 Tue 19-Dec-17 10:04:43

I watched the programme on tv last night about the lonely elderly people who were put together with 4 and 5 year olds. It was truly heartwarming.
The suggestions already made are helpful taylil . You need to meet a few people and if you hit it off invite them for a cuppa and take it (carefully! ) from there. Good luck.

Coconut Tue 19-Dec-17 10:09:55

This scenario always gets to me for a very different
reason. I am 65, my Mum is 88 and I am the only one out of my numerous friends, who still has their Mum alive. Unfortunately because of my Mums dictatorial ways, we have a very fractious relationship. I am a calm person and have done all I can to mend this but she is the same with everyone and upsets many people. She is not losing her marbles, far from it and has been bossy all her life. And I will always regret not being able to have a Mum where we can be friends. That programme on the tv shows how elderly people so enjoy contact from children and vice versa so others suggestions on here re the befriending scheme, sounds just perfect and well worth a try.

Eglantine21 Tue 19-Dec-17 10:22:51

I somehow managed to lose two sets of parents, natural and adoptive before I was 40 so I do sympathise. Fortunately I got on well with my MIL. She was not like a mum but a very independent, wise lady. I also "borrowed" friends' mums quite shamelessly for tea and chat.
But I do remember that feeling of the house not being full enough at Xmas when everyone else had their parents to stay.

EmilyHarburn Tue 19-Dec-17 10:39:22

Germany has an adopt a grandma scheme

There is a very small UK scheme started in 2012

Lior Smith

[email protected]

If you are interested in getting involved, as a surrogate grandparent or family, please call or email us. We are also looking for volunteers to help promote Adopt-A-Grandma
and put on fundraising events, so please also let us know if
you would like to help out. We look forward to hearing from you, whatever your interest!

Thee might be a Facebook Group but I do not know as I do not do Facebook

Good Luck!

luluaugust Tue 19-Dec-17 11:36:13

I do understand a little of what you feel, I only had one very elderly granny when I was growing up and by the time I was your age only my mum survived of the next generation. Now she is gone I have a lovely husband and a kind brother but no females of my generation. Thank goodness for my children and grandchildren and good friends, some of whom are in a similar situation - far too many unmarried aunts when I was growing up. I assume you are not looking for an opportunity to contact your father or other family?

Jalima1108 Tue 19-Dec-17 11:50:11

That was a rotten time to lose your Mum, I am so sorry. My DP had both gone by the time I was in my mid-forties, although I did have a lot of other relatives including siblings and a MIL.

Sometimes it's very hard to have to always be 'the grownup' when you need an older family member to talk to.
I do hope there are some good suggestions on here to help you.

GabriellaG Tue 19-Dec-17 11:50:40


You could talk to me. All my children live outside England and I wouldn't mind being an 'adopted granny' in fact, it might be fun having another family. Aside from that, how about finding an older person in your area? Try finding out (Google) if there are any organisations in your area who might know suitable people for you to befriend or possibly think about a small discreet in your local paper.
I hope you find someone special smilewine