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Breathing monitors

(45 Posts)
YvonneMC Wed 17-Jan-18 00:38:27

Am I being overly cautious for wanting to buy my son and his partner a breathing monitor for my 7 week old grandson, who was born 10 weeks early? They think it's unnecessary, but I think it makes sense and will give peace of mind. Should I still buy it even though they say no, or do I respect their wishes especially as the hospital didn't suggest they buy one.

MissAdventure Wed 17-Jan-18 00:50:31

I would probably go with the parents' wishes. Its best to start as you mean to go on..

paddyann Wed 17-Jan-18 01:01:47

if the hospital didn't recommend it I wouldn't have one.My son was almost 12 weeks prem and we didn't use a monitor for him,if there had been issues with his breathing and the hospital had said get one we would but its best to try to not be panicky with an early arrival,the sooner you start to treat them as normal the better all round .Congratulations to you all and ENJOY him dont be frightened of him which is easy to do.Ours wouldn't sleep unless there was a radio on,because he was used to all the monitors and equipment and singing midwives/nurses and he was a terrible feeder ,your wee guy will have his own quirks and he'll make sure you know them ...ours is 30 this year and has a daughter of his own,but I remember SCBU vivdly AND the terror of taking him home and being responsible for such a tiny wee thing..he was under 5pounds at 10 weeks .Be pleased your son and partner are confident enough to not need a monitor ,he'll be fine

NannyTee Wed 17-Jan-18 05:31:27

If he needed one, they wouldn't have sent him home without . They are tougher than we think . Congrats on the new arrival.

OldMeg Wed 17-Jan-18 05:51:48

I’d always recommend an apnea monitor, but if the parents don’t want one then there’s not much you can do. Even if you bought them one they probably wouldn’t use it.

SIDS has much reduced in the UK thanks to charities like the Lullaby Trust and the advice they give based on sound research. They can give parents an apnea monitor as part of their Care of Next Infant (CONI) programme as this can give parents who have experienced losing a baby to SIDS or SUDC some peace of mind.

magwis Wed 17-Jan-18 10:02:25

Listen to the parents.

Carolpaint Wed 17-Jan-18 10:06:02

No they have said no, if you do you are imposing, stop. Work out where your perimeter ends. You are undermining their skills, capability and responsibility.

NotSpaghetti Wed 17-Jan-18 10:13:49

Yikes NO!
Don’t buy if they’ve said no unless you are absolutely certain that they were only saying no reluctantly (for example because of cost).
Put yourself in their place... I’d be really cross.

janeayressister Wed 17-Jan-18 10:20:15

You are a. MIL to your son's partner, however you think 'if I were them I would ' please! please! just think again.
They have told you what they think and want, and now you are asking on Gransnet whether you should go against their wishes.
Have you not read the tragic threads on here about how son's are alienated from their mothers by their wives.
You go ahead but don't come on here when your DIL has gone NC because you are interfering.
Just bite your tongue, that's what I have done.
You do have my utmost sympathy though as we experienced Mothers, know nothing!

David1968 Wed 17-Jan-18 10:28:23

When my niece had her first baby, I gave her some cash which she used to buy an "AngelCare" baby monitor. Whether this was strictly needed I've no idea (baby wasn't premature or at risk) but it gave the parents great peace of mind. (It was used again for second baby, so it lasted well.) Perhaps you could offer to buy one for your DS & his partner from this "peace of mind" angle?

mcem Wed 17-Jan-18 10:30:21

My DGD was a month early, suffered a collapsed lung and was in SCBU for a week.
She did have a monitor because the hospital recommended it for that specific reason.
I have 3 DGCs who didn't have monitors.
I'd go with hospital advice and parents' feelings.

paddyann Wed 17-Jan-18 10:40:06

JANEAYRESSISTER unless you 've had a prem baby you probably do know nothing.I recently spoke to a friend about my son's prem birth and she genuinely didn't know that he had no sucking reflex when he was born and thought that he should have been allowed home much earlier ...apparently theres no need to keep tiny babies in hospitals nowadays!!Sleep monitors would have been loaned by the maternity unit IF they had believed it was a necessity ..if they dont think its needed then dont use one.if they need advice take itfrom the experts

luluaugust Wed 17-Jan-18 10:50:21

If he was well enough to come home and nothing was said by the hospital then I am afraid this is the first of many many things you are going to have to let go if you want a good relationship with your son and DIL. I know how you feel I often think they are not wrapped enough or when smaller fed the right things but in the long run it is better to keep quiet.

littleflo Wed 17-Jan-18 10:55:49

Appologies if this sounds blunt, but may I ask why you think you know better than the parents? If I was in their position, I would be insulted that you thought they did not care enough about their child to equip the nursery correctly.

You really do need to rethink, as it is likely that in a few years time you will be posting again about being estranged from your grandchild.

blue60 Wed 17-Jan-18 11:00:52

Don't start interfering and think what you think is best! They will make decisions based on medical advice.

Jane43 Wed 17-Jan-18 11:01:36

I realise you want to do the best for your son and his family but the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship is a very fragile one, believe me, I’ve had three. If you go against their wishes you will bitterly regret it. There is a difference between being supportive and interfering.

emmasnan Wed 17-Jan-18 11:13:59

Please don't go ahead and buy one against their wishes.
Having a premature baby is a very worrying time and they will have been given sound medical advice already. They must do what they feel is best for their own baby as I'm sure you did with your children.

GabriellaG Wed 17-Jan-18 11:32:18

Would YOU have welcomed interference from YOUR MiL?
You are a generation away from your GC and not responsible for their care unless they are staying with you which, in this case, isn't applicable.
For smooth relations all round, step back and let your son and his wife do the parenting. There are only 2 people in a marriage.

Jaycee5 Wed 17-Jan-18 11:36:22

You have offered. They have declined the offer. There is really nothing else to say. I would be very annoyed as a new parent if someone tried to over ride my stated wishes in that way and it will make them overly sensitive to any other signs of interference.
They will have enough concerns and need to be reassured not to be told or have it implied that they should be worrying more.

Feelingmyage55 Wed 17-Jan-18 12:16:40

Step back. You have really answered your own questions but are clearly worried about baby. Remember the difference between support and interference. Put "advice" away altogether. Gift baby some money to open a bank account or spend - no strings no accountability - ready meals if they want. You might be surprised at what they buy. Hospital would provide monitor if it had been needed. Compliment them on how well baby is doing because mum and dad are amazing! Praise is an invaluable gift.

Pear102 Wed 17-Jan-18 12:20:11

Hi @YvonneMC - congratulations on your dear grandson, glad everything is going ok now.
Do you mean like a breathing monitor mat, that goes under the mattress when baby is sleeping?
e.g angelcare.co.uk/product-category/monitoring-filtered

If so, then yes, I personally definitely would suggest you buy them one - regardless of whether your darling grandson was premature or not. Whilst not compulsory, they do give parents peace of mind that the baby is breathing. Yes, they can alarm falsely (babies sometimes hold their breath slighly longer than normal) but if there are any issues, the parents know about it straight away and can action.

Sorry, if you mean something more medical, i am not aware of everything on the market.

If you do mean the monitor mat, by DD has the angelcare one with sound sensor. I think they paid about £80 for it 3 years ago on sale. They say that the monitor along with babyborjn bouncer and their swivel car seats are the best baby investments they made.

I don't think you are interfering at all, i think it is a very generous, thoughtful offer.

GabriellaG Wed 17-Jan-18 12:34:04

WOW!!
Pearl02

I think, with respect, that you're overstepping the mark by a long, long way. The parents have said NO thank you. 😯🤐

Legs55 Wed 17-Jan-18 13:30:34

I would never have bought my DD anything for my DGC without asking, if she said NO then I would not have gone ahead.

I always ask if there is anything she wants, I know we all worry about our DGC but don't go against the Parents wishes, instead ask if there is anything they would like you to buy. Don't spoil your relationship with DS &DiL.

Luckygirl Wed 17-Jan-18 13:44:49

No. Their decision.

Cold Wed 17-Jan-18 13:57:18

Do not overide the parents' wishes. They have taken medical advice and it was not regarded as necessary. You may permanently damage your relationship with the family if you try to impose what you want,

I had a DD with breathing issues and I think a home monitor would have made me very anxious and made the PTSD that I suffered around the birth a lot worse.