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Feeling unloved and poorly

(130 Posts)
over60plus Sat 03-Mar-18 19:27:39

Well went to Spain on 18th Feb for a weeks sun started to feel unwell on arrival sick, coughing could not get out of bed, when we arrived home I insisted my husband took me to hospitals was admitted with severe chest infection and this dam FLU I have never felt so unwell, they kept me for 4 days sent home under GP care and my husband, went to bed did not get up for 3 days not once did he say how are you feeling do you want a drink etc, got up and dressed today still feel really weak what does he say all the holiday ironing needs doing, Do you realise how poorly I have felt his answer I have not had a proper cooked meal for over a week I give up

Houseseller Sun 04-Mar-18 08:30:25

What a plonker, you are not responsible for your husbands care any more than he thinks he is not responsible for yours. Look after yourself and cook something nice for yourself if you feel up to it, let him go forth and multiply smile hope you get better soon.

Peardrop50 Sun 04-Mar-18 08:31:17

I do hope he has been bringing you at least fluids during the three days you didn’t get up at all.
Please say he at least did that. He sounds very selfish and perhaps a bit spoilt. Time to rethink your training for his own good as well as yours of course.

Jane10 Sun 04-Mar-18 08:31:52

My DH did very well when I had my knee replacement. No complaints. However, I knew he'd struggle with laundering the double duvet cover and sheets but DD suggested he take them to a local laundrette and ask for a service wash. Good plan I thought. Until I heard that had cost £18. He'd had them dry cleaned! He blamed me for not explaining the difference. Oh well.
Hope you feel better soon over60plus

Marianne1953 Sun 04-Mar-18 08:32:51

Don’t do his ironing, you are both on holiday, why should you do the housework. I never iron any of my clothes and therefore only my husband’s clothes are in the ironing basket and that’s where they stay, unless he does them.
You are his partner not his mother.
Hope you are feeling better soon, it’s can take a long time to get back to normal

janchristo Sun 04-Mar-18 08:33:05

Over60plus - have you considered leaving him? He's probably always treated you like this? Like a doormat? Don't put up with this type of selfish, uncaring behaviour any longer than you have to. You deserve better. I've been there too, tolerated an insensitive, unkind, emotionally retarded and demeaning man for almost 45 years before I made the break. I tried hard to make it work and made all kinds of excuses for him - but they rarely change.

dizzygran Sun 04-Mar-18 08:34:18

So very sorry to hear you have been so ill Over60 and you are obviously feeling very low and it will take a while for your health to improve. From experience, many men (and women) find illness hard to accept and deal with. However, your OH takes the biscuit for lack of care and understanding. Send him to M&S for a few ready meals - or to the local fish and chip shop if he wants a hot meal - point out that if you hadn't got to hospital when you did he might well be looking after himself!! Try to avoid a row - walk away - you do not need any more pressure - and make sure that you get plenty of rest and fluids. As for the ironing...... he definitely needs the practice! Hope you feel better soon - a glass of sherry at bedtime helps (I like to believe it has iron in it....)

seasider Sun 04-Mar-18 08:34:49

I agree with getting someone to do the ironing and takeaways or ready meals are the way forward until you feel better. Order online ( lots of offers on first orders) or send him to M&S. Let yourself get better before resuming duties! My dad was like your DH he wanted mum to cook with a broken ankle!

loopyloo Sun 04-Mar-18 08:42:23

You could try to make him feel a hero for helping you . Perhaps suggesting he irons what he needs for the day because you still feel weak and it would be so helpful, thank you so much. And could you roast a chicken, you cook so well. I think he needs to relearn some of his attitudes.

sandelf Sun 04-Mar-18 08:53:58

Dear Over50plus Act on the advice here. When you are this ill, you must put yourself first. It will not be long before you are stronger, and more resilient but for now it's just a matter of one hour at a time. - Later (but not much or it will fade) 'a bit of a chat' - My OH WAS like this - we had a blazing row during which I told him I was shocked, and ashamed to be married to a person who could behave like that - of course the row was hell. And he did not react at all then. HOWEVER, I now have husband who realises he is married to a human being. For now, remember we are with you. sunshine

Nannyto3 Sun 04-Mar-18 08:54:26

Poor you over60plus. I had flu in January and felt unbelievably poorly. It’s taken me weeks to get over it.
You have my sympathies if you feel stuck in a relationship with a miserable, uncaring man too. If he’s always been like it I’m afraid he’s unlikely to change.
When you’re properly better and stronger it might be the time to think very carefully whether you want to spend the rest of your life with him.
I hope you have some kind friends/family who you could talk it through with.....if not we’re all on here for you smile

MawBroon Sun 04-Mar-18 08:54:36

Show him this thread and tell him how lucky he has been.
Time he pulled his weight.

ginny Sun 04-Mar-18 08:59:42

I would just tell him how upset and unloved you feel. Why all this pussyfooting around. Make him feel like a hero ? What, just for doing a bit of ironing or getting you a half decent meal !
He needs a kick up the proverbial.

ReadyMeals Sun 04-Mar-18 09:00:35

Aww lol but you have to feel sorry for the poor old boy, he's obviously totally helpless lol. At least you feel needed!

Grandma70s Sun 04-Mar-18 09:02:08

It’s hard to believe there are grown men who can’t do the ironing or get meals. He should have been doing both for decades. Amazing that people don’t teach their sons to look after themselves and any family they may have.

Of course, maybe he can do it but just won’t. I don’t know what to say really. I’m shocked. I hope you feel better now.

jenpax Sun 04-Mar-18 09:07:18

Gosh I can hardly believe that there are still such antediluvian men in the 21st Century what era are they living in!! It’s not your “job” to be nanny/cook/maid to anyone! Even if you feel well it’s not your “duty”! I would tell him to get with the times, he needs to learn how to cook, clean, iron for himself or pay for these services as others have suggested. What if you were not there would he starve and wallow in unwashed clothes? I expect he would find a way round it and he can do so now! I would take myself off to stay with a family member or friend or if no one able to help and funds permitting check into a nice hotel!

Luckygirl Sun 04-Mar-18 09:10:26

OH and I have flu and can barely move around - if someone asked me to do a pile of ironing I would tell them to go take a hike.

Teddy123 Sun 04-Mar-18 09:11:26

I wish I could send you a magic fairy who would look after you & prepare appetising food for you whilst chucking your husbands' creased clothes into the dustbin. I hope he has some redeeming qualities because, as the old saying goes ..... "You wouldn't treat a dog like that".

My best idea (which a widowed friend did after an operation and no offers from her kids) book into a comfortable local hotel for a week, room service, laundry and comfort. She recovered quickly. Your husband could stay home and learn some basic life skills.

I really wish you well soon 💐💐💐💐💐

NannyTee Sun 04-Mar-18 09:12:26

There is nothing as unattractive as a helpless man. You should be able to lean on him in times of illness. It's shocking . Get stronger at your own pace flowers

Coconut Sun 04-Mar-18 09:17:38

Yes, def show him these threads ! We all deal with things differently of course, but in any relationship we should be allowed to have our pain and frustration listened to and acknowledged, hope you are soon better.

lovebeigecardigans1955 Sun 04-Mar-18 09:22:28

Poor you, my sympathies. This makes me remember how lovely my dear late husband was, if I was poorly he'd look after me if he could, long working hours permitting.
If I were you I'd take care of myself, ignore hubby as he's so uncaring. I'm so sorry he's so unhelpful.
It will probably fall on deaf ears but he needs to be firmly told to pull his socks up. You're his wife, not his servant.

AlgeswifeVal Sun 04-Mar-18 09:26:01

I have been reading the replies to your post and agree with all of them. I am sorry you live with a selfish pig, this marriage must make you feel very unhappy. If it’s not finances that keep you with him, then think carefully about your future. Who would want to live with such a nasty person. If it’s lack of money why you have to stay, then man up to him. Don’t be scared of him. He’ll get his comeuppance. I wish you well.

allsortsofbags Sun 04-Mar-18 09:27:03

No wonder you are feeling unloved.

It's true that some people can't/won't cope with others been the ones who Need Care. And you clearly did need care and gentleness and understanding. You "sound as if" you didn't even get care at the level of human consideration and reasonably you "sound" very hurt.

I'm sad and sometimes angry when I read posts such as yours. I have no way of knowing what your feelings are but I hope getting replies from the folks on GN brings you some comfort. There are some good ideas here too.

I hope you are starting on the road to recovery. As someone has already said certain illnesses affect emotions as well as our physical well being so do whatever you can to take the very best care of Yourself.

Some great suggestions about ordering food and having the ironing done. Or leave the ironing until you need any items and leave your H's as others have said :-)

When it comes to food make sure you get nice meals and if you feed your H (for the sake of an easier life) do it for you not him.

So often people are Useful not Valuable in situations where we would feel so much better if we were Valuable not Useful.

One of the wonderful things about the Web is support and insight from others often dose give the support and valuing that helps to get us to a better place.

Wishing you well and a fast recovery. Take Care of you and if there is someone who can give your H a reality check then let them have at it :-)

harrysgran Sun 04-Mar-18 09:31:57

It's sad when someone we thought cared proves they couldn't care less he is selfish .Have you any family or friends that you could call on for help preferably ones he doesn't get on with. Knowing you have turned to them and he has to put up with them being there might make him pull his weight.

MawBroon Sun 04-Mar-18 09:34:07

This is the one I wanted to post earlier.

For Birthday, substitute Flu.

Teddy123 Sun 04-Mar-18 09:45:02

janchristo your post word for word totally resonated with me. I shall be 'free' next Thursday, also after 45 years!

As I've said before, my main concern is the loss of my walk-in wardrobe 🙊🙊🙊

Well done you x