Feeling unloved and poorly

I suspect that your husband is actually terrified of the reality of you being ill and that he could lose you. Some people go into denial and rejection because the force of their own feelings is too scary. Sadly men in particular have very little emotional language or emotional intelligence. It is almost like someone putting their hands over their ears and saying " La, la , la I can't hear you".

Make sure he knows just how poorly you have been feeling. Some men (not all), need telling....and tell him to do his own ironing!

Routine replacement hips seem to normally go out in 48 hours. Knees take longer!
Nemosmum - that’s sad. It seems that deterioration into pneumonia is one of the worrying possibilities of this year’s ‘flu. It’s not to be dismissed as ‘just ‘flu’.

Hi both my husband and me had the dreaded virus I got a bad chest infection I couldn't do anything for ages but my husband just got on with stuff found stuff he cook gave me whatever I wanted to eat looked after the house etc its sharing isn't it so when you feel better give him a good talking to good luck and look after yourself ?

MEN ! what planet are they from that they still expect everything to revolve around them !!! I do hope you feel better soon ....could you husband be ill ? My husband had always been self centred and difficult (he hid it until we were married ,,,,even though his family warned me !) BUT in the last few years it got worse ...he was diagnosed with firstly Narcissitic Personality Disorder, then had two mini stroked and now has Parkinsons with dementia .....he is not ten times worse ! On the eve of my brothers funeral last week when I was in the UK (we live in France) I called, as I did twice a day, to see if he was ok with the people I got to care for him ....NO he said I am going to creep out and commit suicide ,,,,,,I won't be here when you come back'......however on phoning the neighbour she called round and said he was cheerful and no problem ...therefore this was emotional blackmail which I really didn't want ...I have to say I was extremely tempted to stay and live in my late brother's house, which is now mine, and NOT to come back .......but I guess concsience won and I did ...now he is moaning every single day .........is it too late to go back ? !!!!!! but I would feel guilty ....

I really don't think it's good enough to say "a lot of men are like that". If they are, they should be ashamed of themselves.

I agree but in fact some wives have made a rod for their own backs by doing everything for their husbands throughout their marriage and they become helpless around the house. I think that most of today's young women would not do that, thank goodness.

I'd suggest putting your useless husband at the front gate with a sign around his neck saying " Free to a good home" or even just "Free, just take him-please". Forget the ironing, you don't need ironed things when you are in bed and he can just be crumpled. Or, radical thought, he could learn to iron. Maybe order online some quality frozen meals of things that you like that just need to be microwaved. Beside your bed have water, a Thermos with tea or coffee, some books and your iPad/tablet and just hunker down and get well. Can you ring a friend to do some shopping specifically for you? Let your husband fend for himself and if he can't he should be ashamed of himself.
Taker care of yourself and get well soon. Would send you a luxury hamper if I could but a virtual one is the best I can do. ???????????

If he won't stand at the front gate with a notice round his neck you could advertise him on 'Freecycle'.

I also tend to agree with Missfoodlove. Many men are emotionally needy and I think he is feeling frightened and insecure because his life has been so disrupted by your illness. This is the reason for his childish behaviour but is not an excuse for it.

When you feel up to it, you have to tell him how shocked and upset you feel about his immature self centred behaviour and things have to change as you can't cope with repeat of it if you are ill again in future.

Tell him he has to realise he is attitudes are very dated and he needs some coping strategies for the future. You can say this calmly and reasonably. Then tell him any ironing of his he will be doing after some guidance from you initially and he will be responsible for shopping for and cooking 1 meal a week for next month then 2 meals a month etc.

Emphasise you are partners and not his mother's replacement.

All this self righteous indignation , your MIL raised him , you have had several years to try and re train him ! My OH Was like that but I raised sons that can cook clean and iron . Now that OH has PD and dementia they are great help , DS2 has just been in and tidied a bit and made us a cuppa and had a bit of banter and chat with his Dad , so the future of men lies in the hands of our daughters and daughters in law . The silly old man will need to wake up and see which side his bread is buttered . You need a check up from the Doctor and get a bit of help from SW

Over60 I hope you feel better soon.

I am appalled at how you are being treated and there are so many good ideas on here. I can understand if you feel too unwell to pack and move to a hotel but if you have a good friend or family member who can come to stay and look after you then that might be your best option. On the other hand get someone to come and pack for you and take you away either to their home or to a hotel. I would not trouble about your OH as his type will always survive by squeezing the life blood out of someone else. Do you have a credit card or bank card so that you can at least look after yourself?

Once you are well enough you need to work out how you see your future panning out. At the very least your OH needs to be told to shape up or ship out! Old age does not come on it's own and this will inevitably occur again as you age and perhaps become infirm. I presume that as your OH ages and becomes infirm he will expect from you all the care and attention that he should be giving to you right now. Think hard and if you need help to get your point of view across then use the services of Relate or their ilk.
DH says that at the very least your OH deserves a kick up the backside because he is the sort that gives men a bad name.

aggie for the next few days I still have a husband like that! My darling son, however, never ceases to amaze me & make me proud of the caring self-sufficient husband and father he has become. So there!!!! And it certainly wasn't due to his father's influence. Just saying .......

It sounds to me like that throughout your marriage you have allowed him to think that a wife is another name for a servant so whose fault is that. It's yours.You can't change the past but you can change the future so tell him that being ill has made you realise the imbalance in your relationship so it's time for him to step up and take an equal share in running the household.

Are you both retired? If either of you still work then it's even more important for everyday tasks to be shared. He can start by preparing easy lunches like scrambled egg on toast and you can teach him how to make homemade soups/stir fries etc. and how to prepare the veg etc. for the main meal. What have you been eating for the last few weeks if you've been so ill and confined to bed?

Personally, I iron about two items a year. If it's mostly all his shirts then he can start doing those too. If he refuses, then you will have to take drastic action and just prepare meals for yourself and do your own ironing until he gets the message that you are no longer prepared to be his full time servant girl.

It’s really nasty ...I started with flu a month today then got bronchitis and although a lot better still wheezy from time to time and unbelievably tired. It takes weeks to recover..thankfully my husband has been a star... I couldn’t have coped without him...hope to feeling a bit better now but take things slowly

So sorry over60, I am sending love and hugs to you. My mum (84) was in bed 7 weeks with that flu and my sister who is 56 had it for 3 weeks and was still coughing 2 weeks after that. If your OH is always like that I would seriously think of getting rid, life is too short to be unhappy.

Where to start? It appears he knowingly neglected the cooking and the ironing until you could be well enough to do it for him!

How is the workload normally shared in your household? Is it (roughly) 50%/50% or does it always seem like 95% is solely up to you? Most importantly, you were unwell and you needed to rest and to have someone around to take care of you. Why wasn't he up to the task?

He may be insensitive but that's no excuse for selfish, negligent behavior and you shouldn't have to live with the consequences.

Time to sit down and have a serious chat with your hubby about his (unrealistic, archaic) expectations. It's also a good opportunity for you to lay down some ground rules going forward.... Basic household obligations shouldn't have to come to a standstill because you happen to be out of commission.

Even when things get back to normal your wants and needs are just as important as his. Finally, when you are sick and bedridden you need to be able to count on him for bedside assistance.

Huge sympathy. We came away this week for 2 months , starting with some sun in Florida for 4 weeks followed by 5 weeks out west doing National Parks. We both have flu, luckily told not as bad as we had the vaccine but we are drugged up to the eyeballs! I have stopped being sick now but airline food didn't help at the start when we woke feeling I'll the day we flew out.Not in one place either as we had booked hotels, motels and cabins to make an interesting tour. So far we spend most time inside out of the lovely sun and all is an effort but we are trying a boat trip today. The car had a flat tire yesterday and we had to arrange a replacement and now have a giant truck! Still my husband thinks it looks good. Between coughing up!

Thank goodness you have found out now that your husband is self centered and has no idea how to look after you. I suggest you now organize yourself to sort this out with help. Get Wiltshie Farm Foods to deliver meals to the freezer.https://www.wiltshirefarmfoods.com/

If you decide to do the ironing sit down to do it. But if you can find an agency do.

Look on the internet for you local home care agency. Ask what their rates are ie. £15 per half hour and then when you have found the one you like and who say they serve your area next time you are in hospital insist that you have this service once a day and that it is in place before you are discharged.

Put all thee contact numbers in the back of your diary so that if you are ever indisposed again you can sort out your team of helpers.

As others have said if Husband does not like the cost let him do the jobs.

What a selfish man.

Tell him that once he's made you something to eat, he can crack on with the holiday ironing if it's bothering him. Seriously, I'd be all of two minutes with him....he'd be sorry he'd mentioned ironing!

Sorry, I couldn't live with a man like that. For me, it would be 'game over'.

If your husband has always been like that he's unlikely to change, I'm afraid. It's how my ex was [note the word 'ex']. A really good, generous person but when it came to anything to do with the children or health matters it was just a 'get on with it' attitude.

It is very hard when you are ill , to understand how your husband could not be kind and empathetic . You would be , if it were the other way round. But for him it may be very different. People's personalities vary so much and what is easy and obvious to one person may be hard to tune into for another. For instance, some people are at home with detail and practical steps - good at answering how we should set about doing something. While others, who can do the 'how' and be practical, are more at home with the big picture, theories, and longer term vision. We can all do both! But often one feels more like us , than the other. In the same way, some people naturally respond from the heart, and care about impact on people, and others more readily respond from the head, from logic. Again, one is more natural to each of us than the other. I am guessing your husband is not naturally someone who responds from the heart : he may feel out of his depth when empathy is needed. This is not to say it isn't very painful for you - it is! But if you think of ways to approach life which don't come so easily to you, it may help. I have a good woman friend who is 'from the head' and once when I was in a lot of pain, I remember her clearly being irritated - as she says , she would not have made a good nurse!
It is also true that some people are, for whatever psychological reason, unsympathetic or unkind when someone else needs kindness - maybe a hang over from a needy or demanding parent - it is impossible to know what is going on for your husband. Someone once said to me you have three choices in a painful situation. : live with it, change it, or leave it. It might turn out that you can both live with it and change it, if you can see what may be going on for your husband - understand him better , without judging. You may be more relaxed then and able to open a conversation where you listen and ask him to listen, for understanding. I sometimes think that to listen deeply for understanding is hard to distinguish from love. We cannot make someone else change, but we can change ourselves, and when we do, sometimes others around us also change.

Show him where the ironing board and iron are and let him crack on. You get yourself well. He should be making more effort, and cooking YOU a meal.

You went to Spain so no urgencies with ironing some of the lighter clothes. When I am unwell I quickly find many items can go away unironed as they did when i was working.

When you are well again look at how you can share the workload and not be a housekeeper to him. He obviously likes how you keep house and doesn't know how to start helping. You may have to lower your standards a bit, but now is a good time to get him involved so he knows how to do things if needed in the future. Also don't make all his cups of tea for him, if he asks say yes I will have one too when you make it and similar remarks

Get well soon and keep resting.