Daughter in law

I have found that the most difficult thing about being a mother, is learning to stand back and let husband/wife and children take my place. I brought my two girls up on my own and we have always been close but now they are married, I am not the first person they go to. I had to learn that there are other parents who love them all just as much, and when they need me, they will be in touch.

Yes it's hard. I sometimes think they only contact me when they want something, but then they ring and off I go. It's hard for them to juggle family life with working full time and they can do without a needy parent to deal with.

One other thing, young mothers tend to prefer their own parents around when it's a new baby. Mothers of husbands, in my experience, aren't invited to get involved quite so much.

My advice: be patient but let them know you are there to help when help is needed.

I do feel for you, I really do, your hurt is evident in your post. My advice comes from over thirty years of experience as a MIL to three DILs. The advice is have no expectations and you won’t be disappointed. Try to see things from your DIL’s point of view and think back to your own experience as a new Mum. Most new Mums are happy to have their own mother around to help with housework, make a meal, give advice etc, I know I was. However when my MIL visited I felt I had to rush around making sure the house was tidy and make sure there was the makings of a decent meal for her, all extra pressure. It took years before I felt comfortable enough to think she could take us as she found us. Things will work out if you let the new parents call the tune.

I agree with chattykathy people have been hard on you. I would have been very upset if my sons had not let me know when their babies were born. It sounds as though you altered your working hours to ensure that made life easier for visiting. Of course you want to see your new grandchild. Not sure what advice to give you but good luck I hope things improve.

Others have said it all. I'm a grandma of a 4 yr old (son & partner) and yes, it can often seem like her mum gets preferential treatment (but be fair- I bet you included your mother in things before your husband's!) Keep calm, be nice, I've had times where my proposed day out with granddaughter is rejected - they've got friends over or whatever- slightly upsetting but they're a family unit now, and you HAVE to smile pleasantly & accept it, or run risk of irritating DIL & getting cut out altogether. Focus on your own life & interests & see time with them as a nice interlude as and when. xx

I think part of the problem with the situation is that Akenside lives over an hour away and DiL's parents live 5 minutes away, and that is probably why she changed jobs and working hours, to make a space to see her grandchild. We don't know whether Dil Asked her to do this. And as has been suggested it might be that telling Dil that you have a set day with time to travel to her and see grandchild now scared Dil. Anyway, if you go you won't just stay half an hour after the journey, will you? Or she thinks you won't and is worried about entertaining you for very long as she will be feeding, sleeping etc. She probably doesn't have time to get dressed yet .

One of my daughters lives an hour and half's drive away and has a nearly 2 year old. I love to see them both but not just for half an hour if I have 3 hours driving. I need to arrive before lunch, we all have something, even if bread and cheese, and play with the baby for an hour or so before I go home, and I've only really seen them every 3 or 4 weeks.

The other daughter is half an hour away and I see them more and help with childminding her 3 and 1 2 year old. I'd love to help with the 2 year old. It's too far and to see them more often takes too big a chunk of daughter's time. She is at work full time since the maternity leave.

The more distant daughter's Mil lives 4 hours away and doesn't drive but has been to stay a few times, and the couple have been up to visit her too, so she got a few days with the baby at a time, but at longer intervals even than I have. I did feel a bit jealous but do know it is not a competition and I manage to just enjoy very much any chance I get to see them.

We had been waiting around at home for 2 days and when it was close he said he would text. This did not happen. The first we knew was 5hrs after she was born. I was devastated.
we were waiting....
I was devastated.
Oh dear - poor you! What about your DS and his wife? Two days from induction to delivery must have been incredibly trying for them both - but you were devastated!
Oddly enough it wasn't and still isn't all about you. Walk a mile in your DiL's shoes and be patient.

"His wife is calling all the shots and he is a loving husband and just goes along with whatever she wants."
Well you should be extremely proud of your son. OF COURSE she is calling all the shots. She's just had a baby for heaven's sake.
I am an antenatal teacher and I see a LOT of stress caused to pregnant and new mothers by well-meaning new grandparents wanting to come in and take over. The most important thing in this story is the mother's relationship with her baby, closely followed by the father's relationship with his baby, closely followed by the parents' relationship with each other. Everyone else can wait.
Nobody besides the parents has any God-given right to "have a cuddle" of a newborn baby, which is still getting to know its own mother's arms and which is finding everything overwhelming and overstimulating in this strange new world he's found himself in.
These three people are getting to know each other, like an old fashioned honeymoon. Some people advocate having a "babymoon" after the birth which effectively means hanging a sign on the door saying "go away" to all except the midwife, health visitor, breastfeeding counsellor and takeaway deliveries!
If you gave up work etc to make yourself available, was this at their request? It sounds not.
Just relax. Try ASKING what you can do to help rather than expecting it to conform to your program.
Your time will come.

My Grandson is nearly 5 months old. I have seen him 3 times. They live 3 hours away. You can expect no more when it is your son and not a daughter. I have resigned myself.

Akenside62 My DGD3 arrived after a traumatic C section and it was the next day when my son called me,he and his wife had such a hard time I was probably the last person on his mind,we went to see them when baby was 3 days old for a quick 15mins then left it until they came home and visited the next week for 1/2 hr.
I have deliberatly waited until invited and its the best way to go my DILs mum lives as close as I do and she needs her mum more than she needs me.
I had the most enjoyable day yesterday when DS walked the pram through to my home and I took the baby for a short walk to my local shops the baby is now 3 mths old and mums feels she can let her out of her sight for more than a few minutes,I don't expect to be calling every week as they have a life outside of me and my OH and this young mum is making friends with other mums in her area.

Sorry haven't read all the posts, but I think it is entirely natural that DIL will want the support of her parents in the early weeks of her baby's life; I'm sure it's nothing personal against you.

Hello Akenside62 and welcome to Gransnet as I think this is your first post.
I'm not quite sure what you're saying - is that you haven't yet seen your new grandchild? In which case I understand your disappointment. Or is it that having planned to be much more involved in baby's life you now find your hopes have been dashed?
If it's the latter then perhaps it would help if you thought about all the years you have ahead of you to be involved in this new little person's life. Some of us have grandchildren who live abroad and so have learned the art of building up relationships at a distance. We FaceTime, send books, record bedtime stories, write letters and send postcards. All of these are options that are available to you for those times when you wish to be more involved, but they won't feel intrusive to the new mum and dad who are just beginning to negotiate their own journey as parents. I think it's highly unlikely that they want to squeeze you out, just that you haven't factored in that your expectations are so much greater than the reality is likely to be.
You can be be resentful of the other grandparents or you can choose (maybe through gritted teeth) to be glad that this little baby is growing up in the security of knowing that s/he is in the middle of an extended family where love abounds.
I do hope you can take a big breath and accept that you can't change the circumstances so changing your attitude is the way forward. Congratulations on becoming a granny.

I am amazed at this post, why on earth were ;you upset at having to wait 5 hours to be told of the birth and why would you expect to have the baby at weekends? Your son was probably in shock, bonding with the baby and having family time with his wife and of course your dil parents knew first and saw the baby before you, that is mostly the way and you have to expect it. Stop pushing yourself forward and relax its early days yet If you keep on like this I think you will find life hard.

This must be so upsetting. Hearing this from the other side I now realise how the other grandma must have felt, I am the maternal and live close by. The only consolation I can give is that by seeing my grandson most days it became an ordinary part of his life where as visiting the other grandparents became special , he was the centre of attention there. My grandson is 14 now and he remembers doing lots of special things with the other grandparents but the ordinary day to day that I did with him he has no real memory of.You may become "useful" when your Daughter in law goes back to work and the other granny does not want to do full time childcare. Please try not to become bitter and watch what you say, remember your son is in a very difficult position. I really hope you get to see her very soon.

I do wonder if you clearing a set day a week “to see the grandchild” has panicked them a bit.

Having a big regular frequent commitment like that can be a bit difficult. DH gets one day off a week and every other weekend, his one day off is spent taking the little ones up to his parents for the day. There’s always a fuss if he asks to break the arrangement so we can go on holiday or if there’s a special day out we would like the littles to attend.

The PILs rearranged their activity calendars (we didn’t know anything about this until after it was done) to clear off every other weekend and then told DH they expected one weekend day on each of those cleared weekends. It’s practically quite a difficult arrangement for DH to work around but he feels very tied into it because they basically arranged visiting hours and he doesn’t feel he can discuss that expectation with them.

If I was being honest with new parents, I would advise them to try to not get locked down into a super regular frequent arrangement because it really does tie your hands re activities for just you and the baby. And then there’s the potential for a lot of resentment if you try to break the arrangement.

I wonder if they are a bit worried about this happening amd are trying not to get tied in so early.

I agree with chatty. Why does kindness have to go out the window when you have a baby. It’s just mean. I have many grandchildren and the ones I haven’t seen so much I don’t have a relationship with but when they do need you, don’t hesitate to ask. Mums of the DIL aren’t always there in the long term once the novelty has worn off. These mums and dads should be careful what they wish for!

I am afraid that I don't agree with most of the posts,if I knew my grandchildren was five hours old before I knew,I would be very upset too! And the fact that the other in laws have been present much more ,would also make me feel very sad and left out,part of the joy of a newborn is making those exciting calls to let family know of the new baby and hear their excitement too!!
I know so much happens at once,but calling to let a parent know does not take much.And of course you would like to visit and have a cuddle.
As long as you do not tire mum and go overboard with visiting ,I don't think you should be excluded.
As a nan myself ,I was present during the birth of my grandson,something mind-blowing!
And was due to see my granddaughter born ,but she came quicker and I just missed it ,but she was a hour old when I saw her. I'm very,very lucky in this!
Now my dgc are older they often ask me about this,and get a different story about their first hours.
I think that this lady has a very valued point, maybe not giving up a job ,to go part time was a bit much!

Give her a break ,she is very happy and proud and wants to see her granchild,and is feeling a bit pushed out,

I would feel hurt as well.
I

Aikenside62,
At this point I would have called my son so he could arrange for me to meet my new grandaughter.

I'm also sorry that you may have been 'guilted' for having very normal, human feelings. You are not being selfish for wanting to meet your new grandchild.

The arrival of a new grandchild (especially the first one) is a very big deal and "can't wait to hold him or her' is a perfectly normal, loving reaction. The birth of a grandchild is both a rite of passage and a celebration of life!

My oldest daughter had a C section (twins) and my other daughter had a difficult time (pre eclampsia) with the second one. Each time we have been at the hospital and the other grandparents have been right there with us.

Even the Royals introduce the babies on the very day they leave hospital. They make the effort because they understand how happy and excited everyone is and how much they want to see them.

As I mentioned previously, you may want to have a private talk with your son.

I notice this post is headed “daughter in law” and not “son.” Don’t fall into the rut of blaming your daughter in law. Your son is right to put his wife and baby first. I realise you were excited to welcome your first grandchild, but try to remember what it was like when you were giving birth and then a new mother. Your whole being is focussed on the delivery, and then on the new baby and your husband. No one else comes near. Five hours is nothing: if she had a difficult time your son would want to be with her and would not have wanted to phone until he was sure everything was ok. Perhaps they wanted a bit of breathing space too. My mother lived too far away to help, and so did my mother in law, but my three girls have all wanted to see me first before anyone else. Be patient, don’t push things, don’t get resentful.

I agree with others on this post, don't push it. Have some pride, don't show your true feelings as you risk alienating your son and his wife. There is nothing worse than someone putting a damper on things when it should be a lovely exciting times. Please don't spoil things, it's their life and their baby.

Have you met your granddaughter yet OP? I completely missed that in the post.

I'm frankly shocked by all these harsh comments. Akenside, I understand why you feel hurt. Your son had asked if you wanted to attend the birth and you said you did, your DIL's parents were there and no-one had the courtesy to phone you at any time!

That said, now is not the time to say the above either to your son or DIL, but you are fully justified in phoning your son and asking for a definite time when you may come and see your grandchild - she is fully as much your granddaughter as she is her maternal grandmother's, but you will only make matters worse if you say that now.

Take a present with you when you do go for the baby and a bunch of flowers for her mother, and do not stay too long, but offer to come and help as and when needed.

Some time in the future when you have established a good relationship as grandma, you might, depending on your relationship with him, tell your son exactly how much he hurt you when his daughter was born. I certainly would tell my son that WHEN things were better again, but then I have no patience at all with all these young women who seem to consider a child theirs and theirs alone to the exclusion of bothering to consider the feelings of the child's father or his family.

You say that you live an hour away driving?) from your son yet you say 'her parents' live around the corner and drop in every day. Took a while to figure out you were talking about you're DiL's parents.
If I had £1 for every thread and post on GN complaining about not seeing/being banned from seeing their GC and awkward DsiL plus other GPs seeing more of the GC blah blah...I'd be a very rich woman.
Why get in a stew about it?
It will either be resolved in the fullness of time without you having to press the point or if you DO, then the outcome may not be a happy one.
Most women (your DiL being one) prefer their own mum/family and, as most women have the final word, her decision is one your son has to live with.
It's not a competition or a tug o'war.
Be happy that mum and child are healthy and your turn will come soon enough without you having to do anything.
I assume you've sent a card and gift and that will have to suffice for now.

I know just how lucky I am. Our DS and DDiL live in the next road to us, whereas DDiL's patents are about an hour's drive away.
DGS was born by emergency C section, so neither Grandmother received an immediate phone call, as DS was, quite rightly, looking after his wife.
He did, however, call us both within an hour after the birth!
DGS was born late evening, so we didn't see him until the following afternoon.
Both of us Grandmothers spent quite a lot of time with the new family when they came home from hospital, DDiL could barely move, and DS was a bit shell-shocked, so I cooked, cleaned and changed a lot of nappies in that first week, which allowed DDiL time to cuddle and rest!
Give it time though OP, they'll be glad of your help soon!

Chaos Inc
No, the OP meant that the other GPs have visited several times as they only live 'round the corner', although that sentence in the OPs post doesn't makc it clear

I mentioned a gift for the baby, and asking what they would like, may need, rather than presuming what you think they would like.

A small gift for your DIL too, flowers, nice toiletries or even a china mug with 'New Mum' or 'Mum' on it may be a nice idea too - just to show your DIL how much you care, what you realise she has just gone through and how grateful you are to her for producing this lovely baby whom you can all love.